Dumbass on Drugs, Dumbass on Fire, Hazmat & the Car Wash!

Best of Dumbass News

I have traveled to, through and/or lived in over 30 of the fifty States in the Union.

North Dakota fills none of those bills.

For the Yoopers in the audience, that means “I ain’t never been there.” 

Therefore, I don’t know a helluva lot about The Dakota On Top.

I do, however, know that North Dakota is home to less than 750,000 people and the do a lot of oil bidness there.

There is a small town of about 18,000 North Dakota-ites, most of them White North Dakota-ites, named Mandan. I have never before heard of this burg.

Can You Show Me to the Nearest Car Wash, Please?

Until now.

Thanks to a Dumbass.

I’d like to thank David Kissee for this.

Let me splain.

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Dumbass Crime: Break Into Home, Sign Into Facebook, Leave Profile Page Open, Go to Jail!

Just when I feel good about the future of the United States…….

I mean Barack Obama is mandated by the Constitution to leave office on January 20, 2017.

Even though America’s disastrous experiment with Socialism, i.e., Soft Dick Tater Ship and RINOS Without Nut Sacks, will mercifully come to an end, even what will be the Second Most Important Day in American History can not buoy my spirits when I think of what lies ahead for our country.

The direction of The Fruited Plain will be steered by the hands of young people like Nicholas Wig of St. Paul, Minnysoda.


Allow me to elucidate.

Nick was going about his normal daily bidness of planning to commit a felony when he came upon James Wood’s house.

Nick soon discovered that Mr. Wood was not at home.

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OMG! A Gun Tattoo! Let’s Do a SWAT Raid!

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I am a Texan.

I am also a Foreigner.

In Maine.

Or as Mainers are prone to say, I am “from away”.

Away from what, I don’t know, but they say that a lot about non-native Mainerds.

Except for people from the state in which Boston is located. Residents of this area are commonly referred to as “Mass-holes”. With good reason.

While the Pine Tree State is a fine place to live and raise a family, it is also a great location for making fun of the way people talk.

I am of the firm belief that I am the only resident of this beautiful land that speaks like The Almighty His Own Self. For instance, take Down East Maine or as I call it The Lower Right Hand Corner of Maine. It is this region of the state that Mainers say stuff like, “Pahk the cah in the doah yahd and come on ovah heah and have some lobstah and buttah this Satdy.” 

I think it is very unlikely that The Creator would speak in such a manner. I am positive that when God texted the content of the Bible to the Joos, that he explicitly said “Y’all should…”, “Y’all shouldn’t…” and “if you sin I’ll slap a knot on your head so tall you’ll have to tiptoe to scratch it…” and stuff like that.

Google Translate’s God Language to Language of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Moses, Jim Bob and Other Guys Who Wrote the Bible must have been in Beta at that time. Thus the linguistic discrepancies.

Other than being separated by a common language, Texans and Maineiacs have a lot of similarities.

For instance, a love of and a respect for guns.

And tattoos.

And gun tattoos.

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Lady Buys Wrong Lotto Ticket But Wins $25 Million!

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Have you ever been in a convenience store to buy a soda, snack or whatever and think, “What the hell, I’ll buy a lottery ticket” just for shits and giggles?

You patiently wait your turn, standing behind a homeless guy who smells like the north bound end of a south bound mule and stale Pabst Blue Ribbon, and you have made your choice of which lottery ticket you plan to buy. Then, out of nowhere the homeless dumb fuck pays for his Meister Brau 40 ouncer and discovers that he has a dollar’s worth of change and decides to buy your lottery ticket! What are you supposed to do besides stand in line and buy the next ticket in that bunch? Fair enough. But the homeless asshole that bought your lottery ticket, scratches the gray crap from it and wins $500! Your $500! Almost. Wouldn’t you feel, instead, like following him to his homeless guy cardboard box and kcikin’ the living shit out of him? I would. But since that’s not the Christian Attitude, I’d just call him everything but a Child of God and let him go about his merry homeless guy way and celebrate his winnings with other homeless guys. PBR for everyone!

I have actually had this happen to me before but insert “my little brother” for “homeless guy” and the story is basically the same. The little fucker (my brother) bought the ticket I wanted and he ended up winning $500, while I wasted my dollar on a loser. Since I am thirty-three years older than my brother and he was about six years old at the time, I decided that kicking his ass was out of the question.That’s just how I roll. But I know I could’ve taken him out.

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Mega Millions, Schmega Millions


Fast forward to today.

T G I F: Dumbass Auto Correct FAIL!

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I love technology.

I don’t have nearly as many gizmos as I’d like too.

A glaring omission from my Hi Tech Gadgets List is a smart phone.

Oh, I have a cell phone, but it’s a $90 job from Straight Talk.

A cheap ass Blackberry ripoff.

I only use when I go to Wal Mart or grocery shopping when Mrs. Fearless Leader can’t go with me so she can call me and tell me if we forgot to add something to The Shit I Am Supposed to Buy Today List.

do not text.

Of the 15 or so years that I have owned a cell phone, I bet I have sent fewer than a dozen texts.

Even when I had a fancy schmancy phone.

Bluntly put, I suck at texting.

I am glad I do, because no matter how proficient one may be at sending text messages, texts have a way of ending up, shall we say, not turning out as one intends them to. And by not turning out as one intends them to”, I mean “fucked up seven ways to Sunday”.

These days this is mainly due to that Spawn of the Techno-Satan, “auto correct”.

See For Yourself

All In the Family

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Drunk Dumbass-On-a-Tractor Fun & Felonies!

During my 30+ year Big Game Hunting, Fishing and Professional Drinker Rampage Extravaganza, I did some really stoopid shit.

Most of it I can’t write about because the Statute of Limitations on many of those “youthful indiscretions” has not yet run out.

In spite of some of the “more questionable” conduct in my past, I can, without reservation, confess to you that I never:

While these are each and every one exemplary endeavors for any Drunk Dumbass, much to my chagrin (except for crashing in a garbage truck), I never acted out nor participated in any of these activities.

Although the “gettin’ some” while cruising down I-95 sounds rather inviting.

Note to Self: ask Mrs. Fearless Leader if she would be in favor of taking a nice “Sunday Drive” some day soon. IYKWIMAITYD.

I have not partaken of any sort of distilled spirits, beer, wine or any other form of adult libation in over four years. Sad, ain’t it?

I must admit that I get a little envious of some of my friends when they get hammered and do something “out of the ordinary”. Especially when doing something “out of the ordinary” involves tractors.

“Drunken Tractor Tomfoolery”, or for me, lack thereof, is why I am jealous of Joshua Viau of Cheboygan, Colorado.

Allow me to elucidate.

Josh got tanked up one night and as is customary, obligatory even, for a Drunk Dumbass hopped on a tractor and took a ride around town.

Then he ran into the cops.


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Drunk Lady on Stolen Horse Attempts to Go On Crime Spree!

We have covered some wild ass DUI stories here on Dumbass News.

For Example

Down in DeKalb County Alabama they do DUI a little differently than many other places do DUI. At least drunk Alabama wimmin do.

To begin with, there is of course the obligatory first step of getting obliterated.

Speaking from the perspective of a Former Professional Drinker, I can without reservation tell you that it is at this point that the real fun begins.

Next on the Get Commode-Huggin’ Drunk and Commit Crimes Against Persons and the State To Do List is to, with malice and aforethought, plan a criminal act – say, like, a robbery.

The next step in this process is to steal a horse. Lord knows that a Drunk Dumbass behind the wheel of a motor vehicle is a terrible idea. A Drunk Dumbass on a horse on the other hand is a much better idea.<—Dripping Sarcasm Alert

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