A Decade As a Dumbass Family: 10 Years With Mrs. Fearless Leader!

 

Ten Years Ago Today:

  • I had just moved from Tyler,Texas to Central City, Colorado.
  • I made a phone call that changed the course of my life.
  • During that phone call the tread on my hiking boots got caught on a very small step on the front porch sidewalk.
  • I fell on my ass.
  • And kept falling for twelve steps and about 8 verticle feet.
  • I broke my elbow in five places.
  • I bled like a stuck cabrito (goat) at a Meskin BBQ.
  • I threw the phone.
  • It landed in the street which was another 8 verticle feet and twelve more steps lower than where I landed once I stopped tumbling.
  • About twenty-five yards away from me.
  • In two different pieces in two different directions!
  • That phone still works.
  • The Young Lady On the Other End of the Line thought I had hung up on her.
  • No, I was bleeding to Death with five extra pieces in my left elbow.
  • The Young Lady On the Other End of the Line is now my wife.

The 10 Year Journey

Here’s an long excerpt from a story I wrote a while back that further explains things. 

I came here on a whim, unannounced, and my life changed forever – for the first time I laid my eyes on Heather and Issy in real life.

Back Story: I first got to know Heather in an AOL Chat Room back in 2004. (Don’t laugh yet!) All I knew about her was that she was a single Mom with a then almost-two-year-old Baby Girl, Isabella. I noticed in that Chat Room that Heather was not, shall we say “shy”. I liked that.

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Auto Correct FAIL!

Best of Dumbass News

I love technology.

I don’t have nearly as many gizmos as I’d like too.

A glaring omission from my Hi Tech Gadgets List is a smart phone.

Oh, I have a cell phone, but it’s a $90 job from Straight Talk.

A cheap ass Blackberry ripoff.

I only use when I go to Wal Mart or grocery shopping when Mrs. Fearless Leader can’t go with me so she can call me and tell me if we forgot to add something to The Shit I Am Supposed to Buy Today List.

do not text.

Of the 15 or so years that I have owned a cell phone, I bet I have sent fewer than a dozen texts.

Even when I had a fancy schmancy phone.

Bluntly put, I suck at texting.

I am glad I do, because no matter how proficient one may be at sending text messages, texts have a way of ending up, shall we say, not turning out as one intends them to. And by not turning out as one intends them to”, I mean “fucked up seven ways to Sunday”.

These days this is mainly due to that Spawn of the Techno-Satan, “auto correct”.

Read the rest…..

See For Yourself

All In the Family
Splinters

 

Dumbass Crime: Twerking Your Way to Prison!

Best of Dumbass News


Out of over 1700 posts and 4 years of doing Dumbass News, I’m not sure if I have ever written a story about twerking.

I shall do so today.

I am by no means an Expert on Twerking, but from what I understand it requires one to vigorously vibrate her ass up and down like she is trying shake loose a stubbornly stuck turd after a healthy session of “dropping the kids off at the pool.”

At least that the criterion I shall use for the purpose of today’s story.

What’s Shakin’ (Besides Females’ Asses)

A chick named Coura had to go to the Municipal Court in Vancouver, Washington to pay the fine for a

Twerking Meth Heads

traffic ticket.

She took two of her friends with her.

Coura paid the fine and the trio headed outside.

Where they began to twerking like a meth head shaking from the DTs.

Read the rest…..

Thanksgiving Cartoon Dumbassery!

Here at Dumbass News we pride ourselves on being ahead of the curve.

Therefore, I thought it would be a helluvan idea to get a head start on Thanksgiving Dumbassery.

I figure by next week that every blogger and their Mamas will be trotting out their Turkey Day fare. Considering that “every blogger and their Mamas” constitutes a very large number of people and likely an even larger sum of Thanksgiving Day stories, I decided to leave those Other Poor Blogging Bastards in the dust by beating them to the punch. No offense intended towards Other Poor Blogging Bastards.

I figger that by this time next week, you’ll be ready to go on a violent crime spree after reading all the Thanksgiving shit that all those Other Poor Blogging Bastards write. If I go early (and first), your tendency to commit felonious atrocities will be mitigated.

After all, luck favors a prepared mind.

Read the rest…..

Holiday Hatin’: It’s Ain’t Christmas Yet, Dumbasses!

I like Christmas.

I really do.

By that I mean I like the Holiday and meaning of Christmas, just not all the shit that comes with it.

I do not like Christmas crammed down my throat.

Mrs. Fearless Leader is a BIG TIME Christmas Person.

She starts talking about next Christmas the day after this Christmas.

That’s all well and good.

Mostly.

Read the rest……

Automobile Arson Using a Flaming Tampon!

From the “Just When You Think Things Couldn’t Get Weirder But They Do Department”. 

There has been some really strange stuff posted on Dumbass News over the life of the blog, and just when you think it’ll be a while before you see anything more stoopid than what’s already been posted, a dumbass from somewhere in the world will do something that leaves you in disbelief.

Think about it. Just yesterday I wrote a story about a Los Angeles cop who appeared in a porn movie. While on duty and in uniform! At the time I thought “This is gonna be tough to top. I may be waiting for months before a story this good comes along again.” I was wrong. It took a whole day for it to happen. A whole stinkin’ twenty four hours!

Add to the cop in the XXX movie stories about a guy who doo doo dives in port-o-potties, a drunk female dumbass who attacked a cop with a sex toy and a mailman who wanted to cheer a young lady up by delivering her mail while neekid and you barely scratch the surface of the Dumbassery that has appeared on these pixels.

As a former Professional Drinker, I can tell you with great certainty that booze can make people do some stoopid shit. I have done some of it myself and I have witnessed enough Drunken Dumbassery to write a dozen books. You gotta trust me on this one. :)

Case in point: two Young Dumbasses in Pennsylvania got into some sort of bullshit with a friend of theirs on Facebook. Upon determining that the girl in this pair had been wronged in some way by the Facebook Guy, our Dynamic Duo of Dumbassery decided that some sort of retribution for this perceived offense was in order for Facebook Guy. So they went looking for him. And found him. At a bar.

What could possibly go wrong?

Weeeeelllll, let me tell you…

Read the rest…..

 

t2

 

 

Cat Box Chaos (And Alcohol) Lead to Feline Felony!

This is a Dumbass Golden Oldie. 

The reference to surgery is dated. I had the (almost) nut cuttin’ done back in January. 

In lieu of flowers, send money. 

The Post-Op Healing For Surgery In the Region Near the Fearless Leader’s Manhood is not going so well.

On Thursday, January 16, I had a surgical procedure performed to correct a hernia.

It was a doozy.

The hernia, not the procedure.

However, as you Dumbasses of the Male Persuasion can easily postulate, any time a medical device honed to the sharpness of a Samurai sword is used in the general area of a man’s thingy, anxiety, much swelling and the lingering feeling of a sun-hot fireplace poker being rammed into your Groinal Region are your constant companions.

I am on a first name basis with Anxiety, Much Swelling and the Lingering Feeling of a Sun-Hot Fireplace Poker Being Rammed Into Your Groinal Region. 


I’ll be better in a day or two.

Until then….

Read the rest…..