Sick as Hell on My Birthday: Please Sweet Jesus Take Me Home!

As I type this, I am a bit under the weather.

Actually, I am a lot under the weather.

This particular malady is what is referred to by the Medical Community as Sick as Fuck. This condition also has been called Feeling Like Shit and Please, Sweet Jesus Take Me Home. 


Please, Sweet Jesus Take Me Home is also a very important part of Catholicism. In Church Doctrine this known as The Divinely-Inspired Stark Reminder to Go to Confession and Line Up a Priest for the Last Rites.

Amen.

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Dumbass Job Guide: Hypnotize Stoopid People for Fun, Jewelry & Cash!

Boston.Beantown.

At Least We Ain’t New Yawk!

But We Wish We Had That Many World Series Championships.

Whatever you want to call it, Boston is a city that is as full of American history and tradition as any city in the country. Paul Revere, the Red Sawx, the Boston Tea Party and really exceptional Dumbasses – all part of Boston, baby.

For Example…

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Dumbass Uses Son’s Lawn Mower for Target Practice!

What is a Redneck?

A Redneck is a hard-working harder livin’, God-fearing, take no shit and will kill  a sonuvabitch that presents a clear and present danger to him or his family kind of a man. A Redneck is a man who will help his neighbor because it’s the right thing to do, not because some dickweed from the Gubmint forced him to do so.  Rednecks love music and often have a little band that plays places like the VFW on weekends. He loves Lynyrd Skynyrd, Hank Williams, Jr, Willie and Waylon and George Jones.

Redneck Bottle Rocket

Regardless of what some guy whose closest encounter with the South is bucket of chicken from the Colonel, not all Rednecks are stoopid. Or Dumbasses. The great majority of us are pretty good people. That’s the short version of what a Redneck is.

I am a Redneck. I am proud to be a Redneck and anybody that doesn’t like Rednecks can kiss my Redneck ass. Now we can get to today’s story.

Provided of course that you didn’t kiss my ass and split the scene.  :)

However, Some Rednecks ARE Stoopid 

There are Dumbasses in every segment and ethnicity of the American people. I am sad to say it, but that includes Rednecks. But a Dumbass Redneck is a higher quality of Redneck than any segment of the Dumbass Population in our society. It’s in the Bible, I think. Look under St. Jim Bob, Ch1, Vs1. Rednecks like Mark Wach of Palm City, Florida are the kinds of Rednecks that give the rest of us a bad name. Why?

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Dumbass Outdoor Sports: Doo Doo Diving!

Best of Dumbass News

The guy in the photo is a criminal

Bank robber? Nope.

Embezzler? Try again.

This man, Gary Moody, is a convicted “Toilet Pit Climber”. 

And a Dumbass.

I am intrigued by the term “Toilet Pit Climber”, so as a Professional Blogging Guy, it is my sworn at duty to get to the, er, uh, bottom of this.

As you may have guessed by now Our Friend Gary likes to climb into the pits of outhouses! Gary is a Doo Doo Diver!But!, you say, maybe Gary was plastered one time and did something extremely stupid – and disgusting. I wish that I could report to you that this is the case, but NO! Gary Moody is a Serial Doo Doo Diver!

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Random Internet Stoopididity!

It’s not like I had much Faith in Humanity anyway…..

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9/11/2001: I Have Not Forgotten & I Am Still Pissed Off!

This is my annual September 11 post that I wrote on 9/11/2011. I will repeat it as often as it takes until we rid the World of the camel fucking sons of pigs that seek to destroy us.

Never forget. Never forgive. 

 WARNING: THIS POST IS FULL OF ADULT LANGUAGE. If you are easily offended, DO NOT READ THIS!. Consider your self warned. 


Where were you when the world stopped turnin’ that September day...

I was at work and for some inexplicable reason, I was there about two hours early. I had already grabbed the Dallas Morning News and was reading the Sports section. With the TV at the bar tuned in to Fox News Channel, I just happened to look up and read the crawl across the bottom of the screen. The first plane had hit the North tower of the World Trade Center. My first thought was that the pilot of the jet had a heart attack or something.

Then the second plane struck the South tower.

It was at that point that I knew this was much more serious than someone having a heart attack. This was an attack OK, a cowardly attack on thousands of Americans, innocent people, just doing what they do every day, an attack on my country! The second that the plane blasted into the South tower, I knew it was an act of terrorism.

The United States was effectively in a state of war.

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Dumbass Crime: Small Town Newspaper Police Blotters, Part 2!

Sometimes the small town newspaper accounts of Dumbass Crimes are funnier than the actual crimes themselves.

It is for that very reason that I spent hour upon hour scouring the police blotters in small town periodicals from burgs dotting the Fruited Plain.

Of course by scouring “hour upon hour” I mean “a quick Bing search of the internet” for material for today’s post, which took damn near 26 seconds.

The Fruits of My Labors (all 26 seconds of it)

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Good thing the cat’s name ain’t “Fuck Face”.