HAPPY HALLOWEEN, DUMBASSES!
Best of Dumbass News
Lurn to spel, stoopid.
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|We’re Number Won!|
***WARNING: This story is fucked up & prolly NSFW***
I am a Texan, therefore I am naturally predisposed to like potatoes.
It’s in our DNA.
I love fried taters.
I like ‘em smashed, French fried, baked, scalloped, hashed and totted.
There’s not a way I know of that I would eat a potato.
There is one way.
If it was used as a feminine contraceptive.
Let me splain.
There are some sports teams whose nicknames that just fit the team.
Texas Longhorns. What’s more Texan than a Longhorn? besides the Alamo, that is.
Colorado Buffaloes. Like a hand and a glove.
Such a symphony of location and mascot are not always so harmonious though.
Los Angeles Lakers for example. Before moving to La La Land, they were the Minneapolis Lakers. That makes sense. Minneapolis is in Minnesota and Minnesota is the Land of 10,000 Lakes. Los Angeles? The Land of 10,000 Bloods and Crips.
All of this got me to thinking – what are some of the more unusual sports team nicknames from high schools and colleges that dot The Fruited Plain?
In order to find out, I let the Boys at Yardbreaker do the heavy lifting.
Here’s what I discovered:
Yesterday I posted a Dumbass Fart Statistic that gave me the idea on how we could put the United States of America on the road to Energy Independence simply by harnessing the Power of the Poot.
The gist of the Dumbass Fart Statistic is that if you farted continuously for 6 years and 9 months, that the total quantity of gas, or as it is known in the International Cabal of Mad Scientists and Enviropussies “Anally Emitted Climate Change Particulates” a k a “Atomic Ass Gas”, produced would be equal to the amount of energy released by an atomic bomb.
|Atomic Ass Gas – It’s Good for America!|
Best of Dumbass News
I am a Texan.
I am also a Foreigner.
Or as Mainers are prone to say, I am “from away”.
Away from what, I don’t know, but they say that a lot about non-native Mainerds.
Except for people from the state in which Boston is located. Residents of this area are commonly referred to as “Mass-holes”. With good reason.
While the Pine Tree State is a fine place to live and raise a family, it is also a great location for making fun of the way people talk.
I am of the firm belief that I am the only resident of this beautiful land that speaks like The Almighty His Own Self. For instance, take Down East Maine or as I call it The Lower Right Hand Corner of Maine. It is this region of the state that Mainers say stuff like, “Pahk the cah in the doah yahd and come on ovah heah and have some lobstah and buttah this Satdy.”
I think it is very unlikely that The Creator would speak in such a manner. I am positive that when God texted the content of the Bible to the Joos, that he explicitly said “Y’all should…”, “Y’all shouldn’t…” and “if you sin I’ll slap a knot on your head so tall you’ll have to tiptoe to scratch it…” and stuff like that.
Google Translate’s God Language to Language of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Moses, Jim Bob and Other Guys Who Wrote the Bible must have been in Beta at that time. Thus the linguistic discrepancies.
Other than being separated by a common language, Texans and Maineiacs have a lot of similarities.
For instance, a love of and a respect for guns.
And gun tattoos.