Disease at the Dumbass Dome: Puking In the School Lunch Room Drama!

Things are swirling around the ol’ Porcelain Pony these days at the Dumbass Dome.


Literally.

Over the last week, each member of the First Family of Dumbassery has/is/is again experiencing symptoms of The Crud.


The Crud is a debilitating disorder that manifests itself with any or all of the following maladies, individually or in sadistic combination with one another:

  • A “croupy” cough that sounds like a flock of caffeine-laden Canada geese with emphysema.
  • A headache that feels like someone is pounding you about your skull with 16 pound sledge hammer.
  • Sounds resembling a Mack Truck diesel engine eminating from the stomach-ular region.
  • Nausea of the kind you would get if you chugged a quart of Liquid Plumber.
  • Chunky Style Projectile Puking.
  • Anal emissions that mirror a rancid chocolate milk-battery acid milk shake. This is known as Ass Effects.

In short, that is The Crud.

Read the rest…..

Lunch

I Don’t: Guy Calls in Bomb Threat to Halt His Wedding!



Best of Dumbass News

Planning a wedding is a difficult proposition.

You’ve gotta line up rings, tuxes, a wedding gown, bridesmaids’ dresses, a caterer, music, a Priest/Minister and most importantly, booze.

Tradition, as I understand it, has the Bride and her chosen co-conspirators helpers doing the heavy lifting on most of these matters.

Sometimes, the Groom takes responsibility for some of the necessary components of the wedding.

This is a bad idea.

very bad idea.

How the hell is a Guy supposed to deal with shit like this? I mean, his mind is probably a thousand miles away from actually taking part in something of this nature. A Groom’s thoughts meander aimlessly from “It would be a great day to go fishing” to “How the fuck am I gonna sober up in time for…for…what was I supposed to be doing today?”

You can see why assigning Necessary Wedding Tasks to a guy who is about to go from a life of drinking beer for breakfast, running around the house in his underwear and scratching his nuts whenever he wants to, to a life of being married and drinking beer for breakfast, running around the house in his underwear and scratching his nuts whenever he wants to, may not be in the best interest of a couple’s nuptials going off as planned, no matter how meticulously things have been strategerized for The Big Day.

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1 Year Ago Today: Sterile Guy Pays Neighbor to Knock Up His Wife!

Best of Dumbass News

Neighbors.

You can’t live without ‘em and you can’t shoot ‘em.

I have been thinking about the virtues and vices of having neighbors over the last week or so.

Why?

I’ll tell you why.

There’s a lady and her 12 year old son who have lived next door to us for two years. Two years to the day as a matter of fact. They are good neighbors. The lady is very nice, if shy and the boy is a good, respectful kid. My family and I like them a lot. But, today they are moving. It’s kind of sad really.

My wife is a great cook and she’s forever in the kitchen coming up with something delicious for us and our neighbors.

For example, last summer we had an outstanding little garden in which we grew a ton of mondo, and I mean mondo, zoo-keeny. Heather (Mrs. Fearless Leader), made several batches of zoo-keeny bread and shared it with many, if not all, of the neighbors that live in our building. The Lady and the Kid Next Door were no exception. In return, the lady next door would, on occasion, do something nice for us in return. Just like it should be.

I wish them luck and happiness in their new home. They were good neighbors and we’ll miss them.

Having said all that, there’s a guy in Stuttgart, Germany that has to be The Best Neighbor in the History of Mankind, or for brevity’s sake, TBNITHOM. Even better, let’s just call him TBN for The Best Neighbor.

Read the rest……

1 Year Ago Today: Bitch Slap a Cop & Quit Smoking!

Best of Dumbass News

We are nothing if not civic-minded at Dumbass News. 

Our support for law enforcement officers in this country is unwavering and irrefutable. We have proven this time after time over the last three and a half years.

Take for instance the time we stood solidly behind a Philadelphia cop who was assaulted by a drunk Dumbass during Oktoberfest last year. This unprovoked attack on one of Philly’s Finest was met with a very provoked Cop Uses Baton to Beat the Dog Shit Out of a Drunk Dumbass Response.

We steadfastly supported the Man in Blue who was viciously beaten about the head and shoulders and upper extremities of his body by a sex toy wielding Mad Woman! I know you’ll find it hard to believe that this Dumbass Dame was drunk at the time of the incident.

Dumbass News was at the forefront of Dumbass Journalism when we brought the horrific story of  three Seattle Police Dudes who were faced with the split second decision that could have meant life or death. Well, OK, not exactly life and death, but they were assailed by a chick with duct taped boobs!

This type of lawlessness must not, and will not, be tolerated!

Unless it’s Dumbass News -worthy! 

Which leads us to today’s story.

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Dumbass Speeling Err Oars!

Lurn to spel, stoopid.

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We’re Number Won!

 

Dumbass Employment Fair: Dumbass Job Hunting Tips!

Our country is in a helluva mess these days. We are $18 Trillion (that’s 18 followed by twelve zeros) in the hole with an unemployment  rate officially listed at around 6%. With millions of Americans now so discouraged that they are no longer looking for work, the real jobless figure is in the neighborhood of 18% according to some economists.

These statistics indicate that it’s a very competitive market for job seekers. Too many seekers, not enough jobs.

I am retired so pounding the pavement in search of employment is not high on my list of priorities. However, I am very concerned for my fellow Dumbasses who are looking to rejoin the work force, desperately seeking a way out of Mommy’s basement a source of steady income (other than dealing meth that is).

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Homicide By Hooters!

Breast Best of Dumbass News

Boobs.

Knockers.

Hooters.

Hammers.

Tits.

Sweater puppies.

Whatever we choose to call them, female mammary glands are a mainstay topic here at Dumbass News.

From the lingerie saleslady that was fired from her job because her heat seekers were too big to the stoopid broad who used her breast implants to smuggle cocaine, we’ve had a grip boobs news like no other web site in the world for four and a half years.

Despite the wide range and sheer volume of stories about ta-tas on this blog, new boobies stories come to our attention every day, none odder than the one we’ll cover today.

Read the rest…..