Monthly Archives: October 2010

>Hot Rod Mobility Scooters Run Wild!

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There two kinds of dumbasses. Just your garden variety dumbass, and a dumbass with too much time on his hands. The subject of our story today falls into the “dumbass with too much time on his hands” category. His name is Colin Furze. What Colin does that makes him a dumbass with too much time on his hands is that he builds hot rod mobility scooters! And we thought the hot rod riding lawnmower guy was a dumbass.

By trade, Colin Furze is a plumber (insert jokes about turds, toilets and flushing here), a seemingly ordinary dumbass. But at night after work, by the light of the full moon, Furze transforms into a dumbass with too much time on his hands – kind of a dumbass Jekyll and Hyde. (OK, I made up the part about the full moon) Furze takes an ordinary Hover Round like Grandma and the two little old ladies at the Grand Canyon in the TV commercial use to get around, and turns them into hot rods! This dumbass has gone over 60 miles per hour on one of these things and has lived to tell about it. He wants to up the ante to the big seven-O, 70 mph in the near future. There’s nothing like a dumbass with a death wish.

Now, being of the inquisitive sort and a dumbass to boot, I have come to the conclusion that Furze is actually up to no good! It is my considered opinion that Furze is the mastermind behind a plan to take over America. Harsh words, I know, but please hear me out. Furze’s real plan is to distribute one of these hot rod Hover Rounds to every old fart in the United States! Just think of the chaos that would ensue! Why, there could even the old people’s equivalent of the Hell’s Angels! Yes! This nation could very soon be facing an epidemic of old people doing God knows what in these souped up mobility scooters! Are we really ready for the Nightmares from the Nursing Home??!! There’s nothing in common sense nor the Constitution that would prevent us from eradicating this Mobility Menace from our midst! These Gear Grinding Grandparents have no place in civil society. As for their leader, Mr. Furze, the gallows are too good for him! His punishment should be no less than a lifetime banishment to France, where the women are hard to tell from the men and the sheep are nervous!

Rally behind this cause, America before it’s too late! Or meet me at the Augusta Raceway this Friday at 8PM for our first ever Hot Rod Hover Round Nationals, sponsored by Depends! Admission is $20 for adults, $15 for teens and kids under 12 get in free! Hey, a guy’s gotta make a buck somehow.

**Photo by Geoff Robinson @ telegraph.co.uk

>Finally! A FARKing Dumbass Quiz!

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One of the best web sites on the internet for dumbass news, without the brilliant insight and pithy commentary you get here, is FARK.com. They have a large staff scouring the depths of the web, specifically looking for weird news stories. Recently, those FARKers came up with a quiz to determine what I will call your “Dumbass Quotient”. It’s flat funny and only 10 questions long, so it’s a quick, easy read. You can find the quiz here. Give it a try and let me know how you did in the comments. Have fun, fellow dumbasses!

Second Chance Sunday: Ghosts and Two Georges for One Buck

We’ve made it to Halloween Day and here in New England we are actually having some autumn weather. It’s 35 degrees with a wind chill of 27 and snow is falling about 40 miles from my living room and it could be headed our way. We’ll see. At any rate, be extra careful tonight if you get out and about and watch for all the little ghouls and goblins seeking treats and tricks – unless the kid is too old to be trick or treating. If that’s the case, then slip the little fooker some tofu, it’ll serve ’em right.

Lots of football going on today, but the real game for my friends in Texas is Game 4 of the World Series, with San Fran leading the Rangers 2 games to 1, after another great outing for Colby Lewis last night. Tonight Madison Bumgarner takes the hill for the bad guys and Tommy Hunter will try to even the Series for Texas. The first pitch is scheduled for 8:20 EDT tonight in Arlington.

Thanks to you, our Country Music Month Tribute was a big success. I want to thank you for all the kind words and the time you took to pay us a visit. I am, indeed, very grateful. I went through the Three States Plus One archives and picked out three of the most popular posts for the month, and decided to give them an encore presentation. There are a thousand memories to relived, so let’s get to it.

  • George Strait – Even after thirty years-plus as a major Country Music star, this guy is still cranking out Number 1’s and continues to sell out venues all over the world. And he’s still country. Can I get an “amen” from the readership?
  • George Jones – With a career entering its seventh decade, there still ain’t another soul on God’s Green Earth that can sing ’em like The Possum.
  • Buck Owens – I remember hearing Buck Owens songs on the radio, KBOX-1480, when I was a little boy in Fort Worth. Buck and Don Rich gave us harmony that is still some of the best ever in Country Music.

Over the past few days, I also posted some good, spooky stuff about some haunted places in the Three States. For the scary details click here, here, here, here, here and here. That’s a good day’s worth of reading right there, so whenever you get a minute and you want something to do, just click away. If you dare.

**Photo from The Regina Leader-Post**

Texas Tidbits: Lone Star Spirits

Real ?**

Twas the night before Halloween, ghosts and ghouls are waiting to be seen
Children with their costumes pulled up taut, looking for treats and homes to haunt,
Grown ups dressed up, both sexes, And here’s a post about haunted Texas.

This post will link to a page with several places in Haunted Texas. Some have videos and of course, there are lots of photos. If you don’t have time to look at them all, you can always come back another time or two to finish up, but make sure to check out as many as you can.

For my friends in the Metroplex, one of the stories is about the Lady of  White Rock Lake, an oldie but a goodie.

Have fun learning about Haunted Texas.

**Photo from students.ou.edu**

>Dumbass Laws, Part 3

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Election Day is only four days away and I wonder how many new dumbass laws will be passed, or if we’re lucky and the potential new majority has any balls, how many dumbass laws, like Obama Care, will be repealed. I am optimistic, but not overly so. We shall see what we shall see, I guess. But, fear not! There are still plenty of dumbass laws on the books to keep even the most die-hard skeptic, like me, amused for years to come. let’s take a look at some of them, shall we?
 
Hawaii – Arguably the most beautiful state in the Union, has its share of dumbass laws, some of which seem to be contradictory to what actually goes on in the 50th State. For instance, in Hawaii it is illegal to wear swimming trunks in public.  
DN – Good luck with that. There is a bright side to this dumbassery, however. It is not illegal, for women to wear wear dental floss-sized bikinis in public. Thank God for small favors. And I do mean small favors.

Idaho – In Pocatello it’s against the law for “pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city’s reputation”.
DN – No frowning or scowling, eh? Hey, dumbasses, it’s Poca freakin’ tello Idaho! Enough said.

Illinois – This one is a doozy. In Chicago, “People who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being “an unsightly or disgusting object” are banned from being out in public.
DN – No wonder Michelle “I am an unsightly or disgusting object” Obama no longer resides in Chi Town. Just sayin’.

Indiana – The Hoosier State is also a bastion of Middle American values. <—-that’s sarcasm. In Gary, Indiana it’s illegal to attend the theatre within four hours of eating garlic.
DN – Two things here. 1) There’s “theatre” in Gary, Indiana? 2) No wonder there are no Eye-Talians in Gary. No garlic. No Eye-talians.

Iowa – State law prohibits establishments from charging admission to see a one armed piano player.
DN – What about a one legged man in an ass kickin’ contest? Just askin’.

The United States is the most powerful and yet most free country in the history of mankind. Just why in the name of all that is holy, do we have such draconian laws still on the books in this great land? Oh, yeah, I know why. Liberals. Enough said.


Maine Minutiae: Haunted Maine – Seguin Island Lighthouse

Being a lighthouse keeper in the late 18th on into the early 20th Century had to be a lonely ass job. It’s not like the lighthouse keepers of the day were able to catch I Love Lucy reruns on a flat panel TV or plug in a computer to keep themselves and their family entertained, especially when the winter came. Winters up here can be brutal. Even a “normal” winter ain’t exactly a walk through the park. Which leads us to our story.

Seguin Lighthouse is situated 186 feet high on the rocky cliffs two miles off the Maine coast at the mouth of the Kennebec River. As the crow flies that’s about 50 miles from where I sit. Getting supplies to the island back in the 19th Century was a tedious task. Summers in the area were great, but when Old Man Winter came, not so much.

On one occasion, a guy took a job as the Seguin Island Lighthouse keeper and with him he took his young wife. Needless to say, she became bored in a very short period of time. So, the husband, wanting to keep his wife sane and happy had a piano shipped to the island. This does not end well. Here  is where you can read the whole story.

Lighthouses are usually thought of a beacons of hope and guidance, but in some cases, such as the one in the story above, lighthouses become places of loneliness and despair.

Texas Tidbits: Haunted Texas – The Alamo

Sacred Ground

Yesterday when I wrote about the alleged spirits at The Menger Hotel in San Antonio, which is adjacent to the Alamo, I was curious as to why there was no mention of ghosts at the most Sacred Ground in Texas, the Alamo itself. I employed the use of my legendary Google-Fu and came up with some very interesting stories about just such a thing – ghosts at the Alamo.

Rather than give you a synopsis of each ghost story related to the Alamo, I’ll give you the link to them and let you read them at your leisure. There are several of them and they are fairly short, so reading a couple at a time shouldn’t present too much of a problem. After the links, I will have a final word on my thoughts about what the stories have to say.

Confession: I am a Catholic, so I guess “confession” is a good choice of words. 🙂 I believe in the paranormal. I think that we mere humans must bore God to pieces sometimes, so, in my mind, there has to be something else out there – some kind of “bridge” between life as we know it and the afterlife, Angels and demons and all that. I obviously have no proof of this “bridge” between the living and the dead, it’s just something I believe. Having said that, it comes as no surprise to me that there would be ghosts, apparitions, spirits, pick a name, at the Alamo. I mean the Battle of the Alamo is a historic event of mammoth proportions – a symbols of man’s yearning to be free and what he is willing to do to live free, even if it means certain death. Surely when Colonel William Barrett Travis saw 4000 Mexican soldiers awaiting the order to attack the Alamo, he had to think, “We may all die here today, but our sacrifice will inspire men everywhere to stand up for their freedom, no matter the odds.” I think that God allows us to see these spirits at places like the Alamo to remind us, amongst other things, that freedom ain’t free and sometimes we must make incredible sacrifices to keep it, like the sacrifice that Jesus made so man could eventually be at the right hand of The Almighty. Dieing for freedom is not a choice of life or death, so much as it is a choice to live, not only today, but forever. God bless the defenders of the Alamo and God bless Texas.