Monthly Archives: November 2010

>It Smells to High Heaven

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Essence of Dumbass

It frosts me real good when one person who objects to something that a vast majority of people do and the the one who objects wants to curtail the activities of the masses by claiming discrimination or some bullshit like that. It goes on all the time in this country and I sick and damned tired of it.

Today’s dumbass is a perfect example of one asshole trying to curtail the actions of a shitload of other people. In Indiana, some dumbass broad is trying to get perfumes and colognes banned from the high school campus because her wittle baby boy is allergic to the scents, which makes no sense. I feel for the kid with allergies as I suffer from allergies to many things. For example, I am very allergic to dumbasses like this kid’s mother. Let’s say that this high school has 1000 students and half of them wear cologne or perfume to school on any given day. The Allergy Kid says that he suffers varying degrees of reactions to the scents of the perfumes and colognes. To top it all off, Momma the dumbass says that because her kid is allergic to all the shit in the air around him and subjected to those smells on a daily basis, the school is in violation of (Wait. For. It.) the Americans with  Disabilities Act! Are you fucking serious? Hey, Lady Dumbass, did you ever stop to think that maybe your kid, allergies and all, is infringing on the rights of all the other students to wear cologne and perfume? Hell no!!!

Hey, Dumbass! I have a suggestion that will avoid all the unpleasant side effects of all those aromas in the high school. TEACH THE FUCKER AT HOME!!! I am sure that some of your pussy Liberal friends have already sued for a school for kids for like yours. Dumbasses like you are in constant Victim Mode and I, for one, am fed up with that shit. You professional victims won’t be happy until everyone else is hamstrung by your victim mentality. Let me tell you something, dumbass. I am eat up with arthritis and fibromyalgia from my neck to my ankles and I would never infringe on the rights of others because of my condition. If I don’t like the way things are done at one place, I’ll find another place that is more suited to my circumstance. I’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees and I, and millions more like me, ain’t gonna take this “I’m a victim” shit anymore. And if you’ve raised your kid to be a pussy victim like you, then I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for him because he’s been brought up by somebody like you. I pray that he’ll be the one member of your family that is not a blight on the gene pool and will realize before it’s too late, that he is doomed to a life failure because of what you have taught the poor young man.

I guess I could have saved myself a few hundred words of brilliant commentary by typing a simple words that succinctly summarize how I feel. Fuck you, dumbass.You are breathing my air. Have a nice day. Dumbass.

Another Recipe Review – Gingerbread Cake

I am not turning this blog into a recipe review site, but my wife has been on a roll lately with several delicacies that warrant your attention. Heather is a great cook, she’s put fifteen pounds on me and that ain’t easy to do, but sometimes she whips up something that stands out just a little bit more than everything else.

Yesterday we took a look at something I wasn’t so sure about until I tasted it, Leftover Makeover for Turkey. But it was real good. Give it a look-see and I’ll wait for you right here. <waiting> Back? Good, let’s move on then.

A couple of weeks a go, Heather made a gingerbread cake for Issy’s second grade class, in which I was the Guest Reader for that week. After I read the story, it was time for a snack of homemade gingerbread cake!. Long story short, it was a smash hit with not only the students, but with the teacher as well. After such a ringing endorsement from a group of second graders and the teacher, there’s not really a helluva lot I can add to the review. I will tell you that Bailey the 3 Year Old was on that gingerbread cake like a duck on a June bug. I showed her how to put a little butter on it and she was in 3 year old hog heaven.

There’s your review. I got nothin’ after that. I will say for the record, that I wasn’t shy about eating up a Jethro Bodine-size piece of that gingerbread cake. It was that good.

You can find Heather’s recipe here . It’s easy to make and it’s Mama slappin’ good. Make some, then eat some, because Toby said so.

Colorado Chronicles: The Greeley Grizwalds

Grizwald’s Light Show

You know that movie “Christmas Vacation” or whatever the hell it is, with Chevy Chase? He tries like crazy to get his Christmas lights going and hilarity ensues? Well, there’s a guy up in Greeley, Colorado that is a real life “Grizwald” without any of the technical snafus and Cousin Eddies to frak things up. I mean this guy, Mike, has it down like James Brown. There are several videos of Mike’s handiwork here. I need to give you a little notice that Mike must live out in the country as there are no city lights or artificial light of any kind to get in the way of his light show. The lights are synced to music, so at times things will be dark for a few seconds or only a few lights will “dance” to the music. Just stick with the video. When the music revs up so do the lights. Please keep that in mind as you view the videos. You won’t be sorry.

On this page of Mike’s web site, you’ll find out some really cool information about his Christmas lights display, such ass, there are over 108,000 (!) lights in the display. You’ll also find out that Mike has won numerous awards as well. Click the link above and check out the rest of the facts about the show. It’s very impressive.

Christmas is a joyous and happy time of year, and it’s guys like Mike and the Picketts, who we featured yesterday, that take the joy and happiness of the yuletide season to new levels. Their hard work and attention to detail are overlooked most of the time, but the smiles they put on children’s faces when the kids see the fantastic display of lights Mike and the Picketts have labored over, make all the time and labor spent each Christmas season on getting the show together well worth it all. Thanks, Mike and thank you Kevin and Linda. You are truly filled with the Spirit of Christmas.

Maine Minutiae: Christmas By the Sea

Having been in Maine for nearly five years, I’d like to think that I know a little more about the state than when I got here. And I do. But, since starting this blog nearly six months ago, I have learned so much more about Maine, its people and its traditions – including Christmas traditions. Part of the joy of doing a blog is to be able to share what I have learned /am learning with people all over the world.

Maine has about seven bazillion miles of coastline, so it should come as no surprise that many holiday traditions are centered on the ocean, boats and other maritime pursuits. This post is one of those.

Christmas by the Sea in Camden, Rockport and Lincolnville is a prime example of Mainers celebrating Christmas and at the same time, celebrating their heritage which is linked to the sea. Christmas by the Sea takes place this weekend, December 3-5, so you still have a bit of time to insert a visit to Camden, Rockport and/or Lincolnvillle into your schedule. According to the Christmas by the Sea web site, “The Christmas season arrives in Maine’s Midcoast during the first weekend in December, when Santa chugs into the harbor by boat, a parade makes its way down the street, and unique local traditions hit their stride.” I just wonder if the boat on which Santa arrives has a big red light on the front of it, like Rudolph’s nose.

More from the festival web site:

  •  Trish Moroz–-known locally as the “gingerbread lady”–will transport nearly 130 elaborate gingerbread houses that she has been crafting in her Rockport kitchen since last February from her basement to the holiday fair.
  • Retired firefighter Bob Oxton will make his trek up Mount Battie to light the holiday star that can be seen for miles, as he has for four decades.
  • Carolers and horse-drawn wagons will wind through historic downtown Camden, where the mountains meet the sea, and local shops will offer special items that you won’t find at the mall.

 What a great way to combine the celebration of Christmas with local customs and traditions! I appreciate the symbolism of celebrating Christ’s birth and the traditions of the locals and the sea. Somewhere in the Good Book it says something like this: Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime. Christmas by the Sea not only feeds a man for a day, it also nourishes a man’s soul for a lifetime.

Texas Tidbits: Rudolph the Roughneck

Rudolph

To truly celebrate Christmas the Texas Way, you have to come up with an idea that represents Texas in a unique way then “Christmas-fy” it. The crew at Lufkin Industries came up with just such an idea many years ago, thanks to L.I. employee, Guy Croom. Croom heard the Christmas classic “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” by fellow Texan, Gene Autry. Croom’s idea was to take one of Lufkin Industries’ most common products which just happens to represent a part of Texas history and merge it with Christmas to create a Yuletide symbol for the ages. The Lufkin Industries product that Guy Croom “Christmas-fied” was an oil pumping unit, one of the most recognized icons in Texas.

Texasescapes.com  fills us in, “For about four days before Thanksgiving, an electrician installs 1,000 seven-watt light on a selected unit. Another work crew spends another two and a half days putting Rudolph together at his holiday home on the parking lot of Lufkin Mall beside Loop 287 and U.S. 59. Rudolph is actually a fully-operational Lufkin Mark 640 oilfield pump painted red for the season. At his holiday home, he is pulling a 38-foot dump trailer, also made by Lufkin Industries, carrying Santa Claus and a pile of Christmas gifts.Rudolph, naturally, sports lighted antlers and a red nose. The rest of Rudolph’s story can be found here. Hence, a star, a Lone Star as it were, is born. Truly unique and truly Texas. Wanna take a peek? There are a number videos starring Rudolph on You Tube. Rudolph lights up the night skies in Lufkin. Here is a compilation of videos showing Rudolph at work.

I hope that Lukin Industires gave Guy Croom a nice Christmas bonus for creating something that combines the celebration of Christmas and an icon of Texas history into a memorable and long-lasting gift to the people of Texas. I think I can speak for Guy Crooms and Lufkin Industries when I say, Merry Christmas, y’all.

>God Sells the Sun to a Dumbass

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A Better Bargain Than Manhatten?

One of the essential rules of economics is, regardless of what you intend to market, you’ve got to determine if there’s a market for it. And damned if some dumbass lady in Spain didn’t pick one of the most marketable products in the history of Man. The sun. Yup, that big bright yellow ball at the center of a our solar system. That sun.

Angeles Duran of the soggy Galicia region (which in Castillan Spanish means region of dumbasses) of Spain, went to a local notary public and registered El Sol as her own private property.This turn of events leads to several interesting preguntas (a little Espanol for you there). For instance, where did she get the deed to the sun? Is the deed to the sun one of those things Moses brought down with the Ten Commandments from Mount Sinai? Did God himself sign the deed over to Angeles the dumbass? And if He did, is Angeles the dumbass on hook for property taxes on the sun or did The Almighty sell it to her tax free? After a few billion years of owning the sun, did God just want to get a return on His investment? One other question is, what was the notary public drinking and/or smoking when he certified Angeles as the owner of the sun? Inquiring minds want to know. I have several more questions that come to mind, but they are borderline blasphemous, and I need to build up a little more credit with God, before I even think about asking them. Better safe than sorry, I always say.

My next question is more of the earthly nature. What the hell is this dumbass, Angeles, going to do with the sun now that she owns it? I bet you thought that bwas a rhetorical question, didn’t you? Oh, hell no. Angeles the dumbass has it all figured out. According to an interview she conducted with El Mundo (The World), Angeles the dumbass owner of the sun said she now wants to slap a fee on everyone who uses the sun and give half of the proceeds to the Spanish government and 20 percent to the nation’s pension fund. She would dedicate another 10 percent to research, another 10 percent to ending world hunger — and would keep the remaining 10 percent herself. “It is time to start doing things the right way, if there is an idea for how to generate income and improve the economy and people’s wellbeing, why not do it?” she asked. It’s a relief to see that this dumbass is a Liberal. I know she’s a Liberal because she no sooner gain ownership of the sun, than she wants to levy a tax on its use. Remember, fee = tax.

If Angeles the dumbass succeeds in this scam, I get dibs on air.

(hat tip to myfoxorlando.com)

>Dumbass Stranded on Deserted Island for Five Days! Finally Uses Cell Phone!

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Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass

If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilliagan’s Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don’t about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to “print” a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What of you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911! That’s just the way I roll.

There’s this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan’s Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That’s something that could happen to anybody, so you can’t call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian “Goat Man” Hopper. I ain’t makin’ that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, “Today I think I’ll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare not forget my vitamins!” Goat Man did not say, “I’d better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry.” He took his frakkin’ Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

On Day 5 of his “three hour tour”, Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, “I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island,” Hopper said. “I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land … I didn’t want to spend the taxpayers’ money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy.” Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. “It was the right thing to do,” he said. Ya think?

Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to “get some”? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.

Also Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass