Monthly Archives: December 2010

Happy New Year! It’s 2011!

Have a Happy New Year!!!

Because Toby said so.

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2011 – Happy New Year!

                                              HAPPY NEW YEAR!
2010 was a great year for Three States Plus One and I owe it all to you! Your continued unwavering support
has made writing this blog more fun than a middle aged white guy is entitled to. Since I started this gig back in mid-June, you, the readers, have viewed it more than twelve thousand times! That’s way more than I ever expected a mere six months ago. In that vein, Three States Plus One is now read in forty-eight states in the Union and fifty-nine countries around the world from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe, and all places in between. I am confident that Three States is set to have a breakout year in 2011 and that, too, I owe to you. Earlier tonight I was reading some analytics of this site and found out that on December 29, the day I wrote about Texas History, one of my posts went viral. As far as I know, that’s a first for me and I am damn proud of it. But, it wasn’t my brilliant writing and biting satire that propelled that post to go viral, it was you, the reader, who generously recommended it to your friends and family. I could write with the eloquence of Shakespeare and if nobody read it, this blog would go belly up pretty quick. Every time I write a post, I try like hell to make it better than the last one. I do that for a couple of reasons. One reason is that I am a proud man. If it’s got my name on it, it had damn well better meet my own expectations, or it isn’t fit to post. The second, more important reason, is because you give to me the gift of your time to read what I write. The very least I can do for you, is to make it worth your time to visit Three States Plus One. Please understand that I take the gift of your time very seriously and I am grateful and humbled that you give me that gift on a regular basis. I only hope that I give something back to you in return. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. Now it’s on to 2011 and time to kick ass and take names!

Happy New Year and God bless,
Toby

>Dumbasses Refuse to Help Little Old lady

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Lifesavers for Little Old Ladies

I am pissed off. Not your normal pissed off where you get a little agitated about something and after a few minutes things return to normal. I am talking PISSED OFF! Let me splain.

Heather, the girls and I went to the supermarket to pick up a few things. We got what we needed and went back to the car to split the scene. While we were loading the kids and groceries into the car, a lady using a cane as an aid to walk asked at least two men for help because her car wouldn’t start. This lady was about 50 years old and, come to find out she was with her Mother who was 75 if she was a day. The car turned out to be the little old lady’s. But , I digress. Neither of the men the lady with the cane asked for help hurriedly said, “Sorry, I can’t help you.” One of these dumbasses was driving a truck the size of New Jersey and I had a sneaky suspicion that he probably had some jumper cables somewhere inside that behemoth of a pick up. The other dumbass just kept going like nobody had even spoken to him. Fuckers.

Anyway, when the lady with the cane got turned down by the dumbass in the big truck, a look of semi-panic crossed her face. I said , “Ma’am. Let me load my kids up and I’ll be glad to help”. You’d would have thought that the nice lady had won the lottery the smile on her face was so big and the obvious sense of relief that somebody would help her and her Mother get their car started. I hooked up the jumper cables to both cars and BINGO!, their car started. Before they left, the older lady came over and gave me a bear hug. Well, as much a bear hug as a little old lady five foot-nothin’ tall could give someone. You know, that was the best hug I’d had all day.

Now for the two dumbasses and all the dipshits like them, KISS MY ASS! Your Mothers would be ashamed that a son of theirs that would just dismiss an elderly lady’s plea for help as just an inconvenience or what ever in God’s name you were thinking. The next little old lady that needs a jump start may be your Mother or maybe your wife, God forbid. You’d just better hope that a better man than either of you two dumbasses is there to help them out. Come to think of it, your wife wouldn’t be too proud to have married an asshole like you if she knew the way you treated the two ladies at the supermarket who needed help. Have a lousy fucking day you dickweeds. Your Mother must be so proud. Dumbasses.

>England Has Entered the Age of Dumbassery

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Alas, Poor England I knew it well…

Once upon a time, England was a great and powerful country. But that was once upon a time and the passage of time has not been good to the home of Winston Churchill, Sir Walter Raleigh and Monty Python. Not only has the British dance with socialism and political correctness turned the country into a burgeoning Third-World Hell Hole, some of the institutions of education there are going to shit as well. Some places that are supposed to teach reading, writing and arithmetic (we used to call them schools), are teaching 8,9 and 10 year olds what to do in the event of (multiple choice, pick the most correct answer): a) inclement weather, b) an attack by a crazed gunman, c) a national emergency or d) a UFO crash. The correct answer is “d”, as in dumbass! I. Kid. You. Not. This article states that “In a typical drill, a UFO crash incident is created, and police arrive to show 8- to 10-year-old pupils how to handle such a scenario, which includes gathering “wreckage,” and the students are encouraged to share and write about the experience.” And you thought I was kiddin’. So, these kids are shown how to handle such a scenario, huh? I can tell you how most 8 – 10 year olds would handle such a scenario…they would run like someone put a rocket up their ass, screaming “MOMMY!!” like Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem. As far as “gathering wreckage”, what the hell is wrong with these people?! Maybe I am mistaken, but if a UFO were to crash, wouldn’t the local constabulary cordon off the immediate area and wait for the military to secure the crash site for further investigation? But the dumbasses in charge of this “exercise”, want kids to pick up alien material, possibly TOXIC alien material, and exchange it like they would David Beckham bubble gum cards? Ho. Lee. Shit. And I don’t mean the Chinese actor Ho Lee Shit. Then Step 3 of this exercise in dumbassery encourages children to “share and write about their experiences”. Now isn’t that sweet? Again, if I were eight and I had to write about this kind of thing, it would be brief and concise. My essay would read, “I saw the UFO crash and I shit my pants. Then I ran home like somebody put a rocket up my ass, screaming “MOMMY!!” The end”. Dumbasses.

Government Has Checks for Dead People!

This Dead Guy Has a Govt. Check Waiting for Him

By many accounts, the stimulus package passed by the US Congress in February, 2009, has been an unmitigated dumbass move. Nineteen months after this monstrosity got the Congressional Okie Dokie, unemployment remains above 9.5 per cent, home foreclosures continue unabated and consumer confidence in the economy is almost nonexistent. How, oh, how could Congress frak things up any more than they already have? Just when you thought the answer was “things are FUBAR’ed”, our elected dumbasses come to the “resuce” with something even more stupid! Yes, America, members of our national government have been working overtime to figure out new ways to flush your tax dollars down the old crapper, and, dammit, they are doing a damn fine job of it.

The Federal Dumbasses at the Social Security Administration sent out stimulus checks at $250 a pop to 89,000 DEAD or INCARCERATED people! That’s $22,250,000 – twenty-two million two hundred fifty thousand dollars– to dead people and dumbasses in jail. It appears that the idiots at the SSA did not check their records to eliminate dead people and some inmates from the list of fifty-two million Americans the checks were supposed to go to.

Some of the dead people had not collected benefits in over thirty years and some would be 136 years old had they lived! Here’s what some spokesdumbass from the SSA said, “Inaccurate payments are unacceptable. Social Security’s Recovery Act payments were 99.8 percent accurate, and we quickly collected the majority of the inaccurate payments,” SSA spokesman Mark Lassiter said. Being the inquisitive fellow that I am, I wondered to myself, “what is a “majority” of the inaccurate payments?” 70%? 75%? No! When the spokesdumbass said “majority”, he meant “majority”, as in just over half! According to my math, that leaves somewhere in the neighborhood of eleven million dollars of your money that some dead guy or criminal is spending for God knows what. For some silly reason, I think the dead guys and crooks are more qualified to figure out what to do with eleven mil than our elected dumbasses. Unless the dead guys are from Chicago. Those are the ones I don’t trust.

Because Toby said so.

More of the Best of 2010!

Church

We’ll continue our look back at 2010 with some “Best of…” posts today, but first I want to remind you of what you missed if didn’t get a chance to read yesterday’s entries about my hometown and some other of 2010’s best and most popular posts, including a very emotional and powerful post on the anniversary of 9/11. Sit back with a hot cup of coffee and enjoy a recap of what you, the reader, determined to be our most popular posts of 2010.

  • The Rio Grande Starts HereI was kind of surprised when I looked at the blog archives and noticed that this was our most- read Colorado Chronicles post of the year, but it was. 
  • Caught – This was, without a doubt, my personal favorite post of the year. It’s about “going to church” with a fishin’ pole at a pond way up in the Rockies. A place where God and I have a Father-Son talk amongst the majestic Rocky Mountain peaks, the brilliant sunshine and of course, a fishin’ hole. To me, that’s “church”. Can I get an amen from the readership?
  • Tomah JosephAnother personal favorite and you guys liked it, too. Tomah Joseph was an Indian who lived in the early 20th Century near where my wife grew up in Eastport. He was an amazing man with an amazing life story. When you click over to the story, be sure to click the links embedded within the story. it really is a great read.

The three posts I listed up there ^^^, are well worth the time to take a look at… not because of my legendary literary skills ( I just made that part up…), but because the subject matter is something that you won’t find anywhere but where I found it or right here on Three States Plus One. Thanks for making these posts easy choices to be in the “Best of 2010”. You done good.

>The Lost Dumbass and the Cell Phone – Best of 2010

>This was certainly in my Personal Top 3 Favorite Posts on Dumbass News. The dumbass in the story is a contender for Dumbass of the Year honors. get ready to laugh. You’ll thank me later.

This device could save your life – unless you are a dumbass.

 If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilliagan’s Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don’t about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to “print” a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What of you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911! That’s just the way I roll.

There’s this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan’s Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That’s something that could happen to anybody, so you can’t call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian “Goat Man” Hopper. I ain’t makin’ that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, “Today I think I’ll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare not forget my vitamins!” Goat Man did not say, “I’d better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry.” He took his frakkin’ Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

On Day 5 of his “three hour tour”, Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, “I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island,” Hopper said. “I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land … I didn’t want to spend the taxpayers’ money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy.” Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. “It was the right thing to do,” he said. Ya think?

Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to “get some”? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.

This device is useless in the hands of a dumbass