Monthly Archives: January 2011

>Mile High Dumbasses!

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Homeless Guy Condo

Today on Dumbass News we have a rare treat for you. Hold on to your hats because today we have for your reading pleasure a Dumbass Daily Double! Yes, friends, today’s post has twice the dumbassery as your regular Dumbass News post, with twice the hilarity! Since today is Monday, this is doubly exciting! So grab that cup of coffee and brace yourself for all the bullshit fun, froth and frivolity of a Dumbass Daily Double!

Today’s foray into the World of Dumbass takes place in the Mile High City of Denver, Colorado. A dumbass who shall remain names (Terry Bannick) is a man without a home…other than his Ford truck, which is a lot better than other homeless dumbasses. Not that all homeless people are dumbasses, but the homeless do have their share of dumbasses just like the homed (?) population. But, I digress. So, Terry the Homeless Dumbass is asleep in the back of his truck, which has a camper shell on it by the way, or as it is known in the homeless community, a “condo”, when all of the sudden he hears the motor of his truck come to life! Horror of horrors, another dumbass was stealing Terry’s condo truck! Terry had left the keys to his truck in the ignition! Anyway, Terry calls the cops on his cell phone to report the theft of his truck, but because he’s in the camper shell part of the truck, he can’t pinpoint his location so the local fuzz can help him out. meanwhile Dumbass #2, the truck thief, was ignoring Terry as he (Terry) told him (Dumbass #2) that he was on the phone with the cops. Dumbass #2 is finally busted when the truck runs out of gas, Terry is saved and the homeless in Denver rejoice. The truck thief was charged with auto theft and, as if you hadn’t guessed by now, possession of marijuana. Who’d have thunk it? A thief busted doing something dumbass while in possession of a controlled substance. Terry was charged with being a dumbass living in the camper shell on his truck and a homeless dipshit for possessing a cell phone. I made that part up.

All’s well that ends well, they say. Terry gets to keep his cell phone and his “condo”, the stoned bad guy dumbass is in the Denver County Crossbar Hilton and the homeless population of the Mile High City has a new Homeless Hero in Terry the Dumbass. The End.

Dumbasses.

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Tomato Leads to Stolen Animal Heads!

Fruit of Justice

As a world renowned and reviled blogger-type guy, I feel obligated from time to time to write something for the good of my readership, something that has intrinsic moral value.  I am not required by law or conscience to do so, but it’s a civic duty that I would be remiss in not doing. So, let’s sally forth, shall we?

Today’s story-with-a-moral takes place in Minnesota, whose State Motto is “Thank, God We’re Not North Dakota”, where a simple tomato is the vessel of the lesson we’ll all learn today. A guy we’ll call Tim (because his name is “Tim”) steals our vessel of virtue, the humble tomato, from a lunch line somewhere. He was arrested and while in jail placed a phone call to a friend of his. The phone call, which I assume was monitored by the police, led law enforcement to two guys who were moving some stuff that Tim had asked them to move. As it turns out, the two guys were driving a van that had over $15,000 worth of stolen goods. These were no ordinary stolen goods either. They were taken from the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources! The purloined goods included power tools, chain saws and 20 mounted animal heads (taxidermy stuff). Needless to say, the guys at Minnesota DNR were not amused. To think that because a dipshit was caught stealing a tomato, a veritable crime spree was uncovered. Cops caught up with the two dumbfuck guys who were driving a van loaded with the stolen property from the DNR. The two bad guys pleaded ignorance, which given the fact that they were friends with Tim, seems appropriate. Here’s something about this case that puzzles me. The two guys in the van with the stolen stuff were not arrested for possessing pilfered property. Police did note however, that charges could be filed at a later date. Ooooooooooooooo  Kkkkkk. I guess that’s how they do things in Minny-soda. Upon further review, this is the state that put Al “Why the Hell Am I Famous in the First Place” Franken in the United States Senate. Therefore, nothing surprises me anymore. Et tu, Minnesota? What a damn shame.

Minnesota – Land of 10,000 Dumbfucks.

Because Toby said so.

Texas Tidbits: The Battleship Texas

You know me and my interest in all things Texas. If it’s about Texas, I wanna know about it. I want to spend some time today writing about San Jacinto. No, not the Battle of San Jacinto, the place San Jacinto. There is another history-making icon that is right at home on the Houston Ship Channel at San Jacinto. It stands as a monument to the emerging power of the United States Navy as we entered the 20th Century. I am, of course, talking about the Battleship Texas.

One Helluva Lady

Once the most powerful weapon in the world, the Texas served her country with unparalleled distinction. She was launched from Newport News, Virginia on May 18, 1912 and was commissioned on March 12, 1914. Texas Parks and Wildlife is the caretaker for the Texas and I found this on their website dedicated to the Battleship Texas. From the site: “In 1916, TEXAS became the first U.S. battleship to mount antiaircraft guns and the first to control gunfire with directors and range-keepers, analog forerunners of today’s computers. In 1919, TEXAS became the first U.S. battleship to launch an aircraft. The TEXAS received the first commercial radar in the US Navy in 1939. New antiaircraft batteries, fire control and communication equipment allowed the ship to remain an aging but powerful unit in the US naval fleet. In 1940, Texas was designated flagship of US Atlantic Fleet. The First Marine Division was founded aboard the TEXAS early in 1941. April 21, 1948 the Texas was decommissioned. The TEXAS holds the distinguished designation of a National Historic Landmark and a National Mechanical Engineering Landmark.” (NOTE: April 21 is the anniversary of Sam Houston’s victory over Santa Ana in the Battle of San Jacinto, the battle which gave Texas her independence from Mexico.)

I was very young, maybe 10 years old the last time I saw and explored the Texas and I still remember the feeling the history as if she were speaking to me. I went down to the hold (I guess that’s what they call it on a battleship) and came upon the brig. The cells were small, cold, damp and isolated and I wonder what a sailor would have to do to be sent to the brig. I also thought of the POWs that might have occupied the cells during the Texas’ service in WWI and WWII. It was an eerie feeling. I could almost hear the crew of the ship as they went about their daily duties of fighting a war. Even at 10 years old (or so), I knew a little about the Texas and during my journey all over the ship, I was filled with pride that she was named after my state. Battleship Texas. It had a nice ring to it. Still does. In her prime, the Texas was a helluva lady. And if I do say so myself, she has aged beautifully.

>Tax the Bicycles Says NJ Dem: She Changes Her Mind

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Somebody’s Grandma; The Whole State’s Dumbass

Here we are in what is arguably the worst economic period in the United States since the Great Depression. Liberals, like the Dipshit in Chief, do what they do every time the economy turns even the least bit sour. They yell from the highest mountain top for higher taxes, especially on the rich. Despite having been proved a fallacy every time it’s been tried, Liberals continue to scream for more taxes. Sometimes, they refer to a new tax as a “fee”. It’s still a damned tax, dumbass! The latest liberal asswipe to want to confiscate more of your money is a Democrat (go figure) from New Jersey (go figure again) named Cleopatra Tucker of Essex, NJ.

Cleo’s briiliant idea is to tax bicycle riders by having them register their bikes! Now she wants the government to issue license plates for bikes! Wait a minute, this gets even better. Cleo’s reasoning for taxing your bike? This is Double Barrel Dumbass, folks. Cleo wants to tax your bike in order to make the streets safer for old people! What a dumbass! “My goal was to at least begin a discussion of how best to protect elderly pedestrians. No idea is perfect, but protecting elderly pedestrians deserves attention,” said Tucker. Dumbasspatra said that several old folks had called her office to complain about being knocked over by bike riders. Bullshit. Anyway, in Cleo’s mind taxing the bike is going to make it safe for the old folks of New Jersey to hobble down the street! What. The. Fuck? If an old guy gets knocked on his ass by a bicyclist, two things come to mind. One, he’s senile and is walking in the street or two, the bike rider is riding on the sidewalk and breaking an existing law. Oh, I apologize. I simply forgot how taxing and registering cars has virtually eliminated auto accidents. How stupid of me. I’m sure that police officers all over Jersey would be on the lookout for a six year old without a state-approved license plate on his bike. I mean, the cops don’t have a single more important thing to do than bust bike registration scofflaws. I am getting a headache.

After being called everything but a Child of God for the last week, Cleodumbasstra Tucker decided that maybe her idea wasn’t such a good idea. Ya think? Now bicyclists all over New Jersey are free to run over senior citizens at will once again and then Cleo baby will again call for some kind of tax to keep seniors safe from the menacing hordes of New Jersey bike riders. I have an idea, why tax the bikes when you can tax the old people! I’m sure there are more old people than bikes in NJ, so the revenue generated by thjis type of law would solve every conceivable economic problem in New Jersey.Tax ’em enough and they’ll all become shut-ins, thus keeping them safe from those evil bicyclists. And if a little old lady strolls on the sidewalk, she does so at her own risk and she’s fair game for the next Schwinn zooming by! That makes as much sens as anything Cleopatra Tucker has proposed. Dumbass.

Texas Tidbits: This Ain’t Your Baby’s Rattler

Born Pissed Off

Sunday mornings. A lazy kind of morning sipping on coffee, having a good breakfast while reading the newspaper then getting ready for Church. The preceding statement is true for tens of millions of households across the country this morning. When I was a kid, Sunday mornings were like that. After Church we’d all pile in to my Dad’s ’63 Impala Super Sport (327 cubes, 300 horses, 4-speed and factory duals….sweet car!) for a Sunday Drive out to the country. FYI, “the country” at that time was anywhere not in Dallas or Fort Worth. Most of the time, we didn’t have a particular destination in mind, it was just where ever Dad felt like going. It didn’t matter much to me where we ended up, I knew somewhere along the way we’d see something really cool. I think that may be where I got my itch to explore. I still explore when I go fishing or even if Heather, the girls and I take our own Sunday Drive, I, like my Dad before me, just go. It’s really not about the destination, it’s about the journey. Exploring. Discovering.

One of the neatest things we did on one of our Sunday Drives was to head out to Sweetwater for the Annual Rattlesnake Roundup. many of you are not familiar with that, so I found a short video that gives you an idea of what the event is like.

As a little boy of maybe seven, the rattlesnake Roundup was beyond neat. It was cool. I thought the guy in the pen with all those live rattlers surrounding him, was the bravest man I’d ever seen. Now days, I know that he was just a dumbass. Or drunk. Or both.

The Rattlesnake Roundup is held the second weekend in March every year in Sweetwater at the Nolan County Coliseum. There is more to the Roundup as you’ll see when you, like a BBQ Cooking Contest and other stuff, when you click here.  The Sweetwtaer Jaycees oversee this event each year like they have since 1958. You can contact them at (325) 235-8938.

It’s a nice easy drive to Sweetwater form D/FW on I-20 West and it doesn’t take long to get there. If you get a chance, please go see this thing in person. It’s a cool event.

>The Dumbasses in Washington State Are Getting Younger

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Ever heard of one of these, dumbass?

Is 15 years old too young to be a dumbass? Not on this blog it ain’t. At 15, young people have accrued enough life experience to know right from wrong in most situations. Now, doing the right thing is an entirely different matter. A 15 year old in Port Orchard, Washington recently found herself in a situation in which she knew the right thing to do, but acted the dumbass instead. Let me ‘splain.

The girl was walking to school and found herself running late. Nothing out of line there. But!, for some unknown reason, she called the Police and told them about having been attacked by a stranger. Problem is, the story was a lie. The girl went on to tell the cops that she was accosted , a sheet put around her head and her attacker dragged her into some nearby bushes. She also told the heat that she escaped by slipping out of her backpack. So young to be a dumbass.

The cops searched the area, found no evidence that anything like the girl described had happened. Their suspicions were confirmed when they further questioned the little dumbass and she admitted that she made the whole thing up. She even had a dandy reason for pulling such a dumbass stunt. She was running late for school. See why I have no qualms about calling this young lady a dumbass? You don’t? Maybe this will sway your opinion. By filing this false report, the 15 year old dumbass tied up the services of eighteen police officers, some on overtime, and caused nearby schools to go on lockdown! See? She’s a dumbass. Except now she’s a dumbass in Juvenile Detention. Amen.

Now if somebody would just buy this kid an alarm clock so she won’t be late to school. Or better yet, how about her parents taking some sort of action to make sure she gets to school on time, not to mention take some sort of responsibility for the kid’s actions due to an apparent lack of supervision? Dumbasses.

Breaking and Entering and Getting Plowed

Stupid Juice

Sometimes there’s just too much dumbass to confine to one blog. That’s one of the reasons I write Because Toby Said So. In light of that, I’m gonna post a dumbass story here today.

In Wilmington, Delaware, home state of the Vice Dumbass of the United States, a dumb fuck broke into a house. Stupid, but not unusual. The unusually stupid part of this story is that the dipshit burglar broke in but couldn’t break out! It seems that this particular home had been broken into before, so the owner changed all the locks in the place and did it so that not only would you need a key to (legally) get in, but that you’d also have to have a key to get out. This was an obstacle to our stupid crooks escape plans. You, see while he was in the house he drank three bottles of gin and two bottles of whiskey, got hammered, couldn’t open a door to get out without a key and was unable to find the window through which he broke to get into the house in order to split the scene.

After being in the house for a couple days (the owner was away for a vacation), the idiot crook did what any rational, but drunk, person would do to get out of the house. Wait. For. It. He called 911! The Wilmington Police Department was more than happy to oblige the dumbass and escort him to jail. The Police were also happy than no man-hours would be required to investigate the break-in and they were ecstatic that the amount of paperwork they’d have to do was reduced to next to nothing! To top it all off, the cops would have extra time to spend at the local donut shop. It’s a win-win kind of deal. I just made that last part up. A donut shop joke is expected when writing a story that involves the police, no matter how true it may or may not be.  🙂

Because Toby said so.