Monthly Archives: March 2011

Dumbass "Teen Mom" Star Gives Girl a Beatdown UPDATE: Was Jennelle Paid for the Fight? UPDATED AGAIN

Hello. My name is Toby and I like Reality TV. There! I said it! I am finally free of living a double life. Yes, friends, I am not who I appear to be. You know me as a New Media Stalwart, a pioneer in the study of dumbassery, a blogging man amongst blogging boys during the day, but at night I, too, am a dumbass. I watch some of the most vile and demeaning shows on TV. And I love it! I can’t help it. When Ron on Lizard Lick Towing goes out to repo some poor dumbass’ car and gets smashed on the head with a Natural Light Ice beer bottle, I can’t help but get a thrill from his misfortune. The Germans have a word for that – schadenfreude – taking pleasure in somebody else’s misfortune. Please save me from this torment!

In the meantime, I have a Reality TV scoop for you today. Jennelle, one of the young ladies who was featured in the MTV Series Teen Mom 2, has found herself in trouble with the law for beating the dog shit out of another young lady. Why would Jennelle do such a thing? A little background first….Jennelle had a real prize of a baby daddy. The dumbass was a coke head, pot smoking, irresponsible loser, but so is Jennelle, except for the coke head part. Without going into great detail, she’s a lousy mother who stole her mom’s credit cards to take Coke Head Boy to New Jersey and ran up an $800 tab. Yes, I said New Jersey. I told you she was a dumhbass. Jennelle is such a fuck up she dumped her kid off on her mom and finally signed over custody to the mom. It’s really a sad story when it comes to the little boy, who is about a year old. BTW, Grandma is a real peach, too, but she takes great care of the baby. Enough background.

Back on point, Jennelle beat the hell out of another young lady for allegedly committing the Cardinal sin of flirting with Jennelle’s boyfriend! That’s worth an ass-kickin’ where I come from. <—that’s sarcasm there. And believe it or not, <—-that’s more sarcasm, TMZ has a video  (WARNING: IT AIN’T PRETTY) of the beatdown. You can tell that Jennelle is still a trashy little hussy by her choice of friends, who in the video cheer her on  her to fight the other girl. While Jennelle is a dumbass little tramp, her friends are the dog shit on the bottom of your hiking boots – the worthless little bastards. See why this is such a smash hit TV show? There’s already a third season on the way! And to think that I watch this shit. Before going any further, let me say that some of the young moms in the show turn out to be great moms with a lot of support from their families and friends, so it’s not all bad. But, it’s like the car wreck on the freeway, you’ll rubberneck to see that sucker like it was the Second Coming. It’s the Dumbass Gene in all of us. It’s just that Jennelle was blessed with a Double Dose of the Dumbass Gene. Here’s to hoping that she gets all her ducks in a row. Dumbass.

UPDATE: One of Jenelle’s “friends” who was at the altercation, says that Jenelle was PAID after she and her pond scum “friends” sold the video for $45,000. More info can be found here. If true, further proof that Jennelle is a worthless waste of skin. For now, I’ll refrain from being more “colorful” in calling her exactly what she appears to be.

UPDATE 2 : Selling price of video corrected to $45,000 not $5000 as previously stated. Sorry about that.

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95 Year Old YouTube Star Cooks and Teaches Life Lessons

As many of you know, my wife writes a cooking blog and therefore she watches a lot of YouTube vodeos about cooking and such. One of the ladies she watches regularly is the woman in the embedded video. The Lady’s name is Clara. Clara is kickin’ ass and takin’ names at 95 years young! Clara’s channel at YouTube is a niche vlog on cooking in the Great Depression. She should know. She lived through it. Clara is an amazing lady who has never forgotten about the difficult circumstances from which she came.

Please take a minute to watch this video. Clara intertwines stories of her youth way back when into the cooking lessons she learned so long ago. It’s worth your time and maybe it will even make you realize that you ain’t got it so bad. God bless you, Clara. You are one in a million.

Banning Farts? A Dumbass Law

According to the Chinese calendar, 2011 is the Year of the Rabbit. But according to the Dipshit Calendar, 2011 is the Year of the Dumbass. And, ladies and gentlemen, the dumbasses of the world have not let us down so far Dumbassthis year.

The Next Malawian Law?

We bitch and moan about the dumbasses that we have elected to our gubmint, and rightfully so, but we rarely whine and complain about foreign leaders. That is about to change. While we are supplied with an endless flow of dumbass in the USA, ours aren’t the only dumbasses elected to High Office. Take Malawi, please! for example. What’s that? Where’s Malawi? I think it’s near New Jersey. What do I look like? A Rand-McNally Atlas? But, I digress.

In Malawi, which is a New Jersey Secret Code Word for “our women are ugly and at least we’re not Delaware”, that nation’s President is calling for a law to outlaw farting in some instances. In my opinion, this law doesn’t pass the smell test. (insert your own fart joke here) I am not making this stuff up. The UPI, which does make up stuff, reports that the proposed Fart Law will “include measures to ban “passing gas” with the intention to “mold responsible and disciple citizens,” “insulting the modesty of a woman,” “disturbing religious assemblies” and “trespassing on burial places”. Let’s break down this proposal into sections. The first section we’ll observe is the “Intention to Mold Responsible and Disciple Citizens” Section”. What. The. Hell.? How in the world can the fart-or “mold” a fart-ee? Will the fart-ee’s face become molded into a “holy shit that thing stinks” look when somebody lets one rip? You know, like your Mom told you when you were  kid. “If you keep making that hideous face it will freeze like that forever.” Furthermore, what if some Malawian prankster got his hands on a whoopie cushion and went all over the place “farting” and causing other Malawians’ faces to “freeze like that”? would that be a crime? If so, what would the punishment be? On to the “Insulting the Modesty of a Woman Section” of this would-be law. If a modest woman, the fart-ee marries a flatulent man, the fart-or, can she testify against him in a court of law? If not, then her status as a fart-ee is immaterial to the case, and she must suffer the life of a fart-ee married to a fart-or until death do they fart part. Thank goodness there is opposition to this statute. The Main Opposition Guy said the bill, which would also impose penalties on people posing as fortune tellers, would create a “kangaroo-like court” that would “not be ideal for a democracy.”Yeah, fart-ors and fortune tellers are the bane of a civilized society, aren’t they?

Just remember this. When they outlaw farts, only outlaws will have farts. Dumbasses.

Texas Tidbits: A Chicken Fried Steak Festival!

Send. Me Some.

I just learned something that doesn’t surprise me, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it before. Being a Texan, I have of course been to Chili Cookoffs and Bar B Q competitions, but until just a short time ago, I have never heard of a Chicken Fried Steak Cookoff! Well, now I have! CFS is one of my favorite vegetables and the good people of Lamesa, Texas have captured a special place in my heart for Eternity by holding Lamesa’s Original Chicken Fried Steak Festival on April 30. I bring this particular event up so far in advance because there is some stiff competition from other outstanding events all over Texas, but you must not miss the CFS Cookoff if at all possible. There are few foods of any ethnicity that rival a good chicken fried steak covered with creamy white gravy. Throw in some smashed taters and some juicy, buttered up sweet corn and I would slap my own Mama away from the table to stuff myself like a Thanksgiving turkey. Sadly, I am 2000 miles away from Lamesa, but I’ll damn sure be there in heart…and stomach.

GrowLamesa.com has more info on CFS Festival. There are a ton of activities besides the cookoff…things like “the sounds of local talents, relax under shade trees, eating great food from vendors, classic car show, kids games, pony rides, and take a tour of our very own Delaney Vineyard Winery. Chicken Fried Steak Cook-Off, Team Roping, 5K Run, Classic Car Show, Childrens Costume Contest, Pet Costume Contest, Live Entertainement, Food booths, Art & Craft Booths, and so much more. Vendors and Booth Registration call 806-872-4322 or 806-872-4345”.

If you can’t have fun at a party like that, then you need to have your pulse checked. Lamesa is a great setting for such a gathering and I know that the town’s folks would love to see you there. They’ll treat you so many ways, you’re bound to like one of ’em. Oh, yeah…a personal request here. Somebody Fed Ex me some Chicken Fried steak !!! Thank you.  🙂

Hazelwood, Missouri Hates the Girl Scouts…Kind Of

Hazelwood.Mo. hates These

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that when I start off a post with words similar to “St. Louis is a great city (here comes the all-powerful three letter word that let’s you that somebody is about to get scorched) but…To be fair, St. Louis is a great city. It’s not St. Louis that I have a problem with. It’s a St. Louis suburb named Hazelwood and the Girl Scout-hating, anti-American Commie bastards that run the town that have me pissed off. Allow me to further elucidate. For some of those of you who live in this Commie-run enclave, that means “let me splain”.

Now before the fine citizens of Hazelwood start an anti-Dumbass campaign, let me state that my complaint doesn’t lie with the hard working, anti-Commie-bastard people of your lovely burg, but with the dumbasses that run the city. My problem is this; dipshit city officials have seen fit to interfere with one of the greatest of American traditions, the selling of Girl Scout Cookies. These dumbasses have a severe case of cranio-rectal inversion, or as they call it in St. Louis, the old head up their asses trick.

Here’s the deal; these two young ladies are Girl Scouts. Part of being a Girl Scout, as you know, is selling Girl Scout Cookies each year. These two particular girls have been selling their cookies from a stand in their driveway for at least five years. Evidently, this cookie stand runs afoul of city ordinances prohibiting such heinous activities as selling Girl Scout Cookies. The city, as is their right, warned the girls and their mother to cease and desist selling the cookies from their driveway. To be fair to the city, this is not the first warning that they had issued to the family. Why another one? A spokesdumbass for the city of Hazelwood  “said the city sent Mills (the Mom) an infraction notice after a neighbor complained to the city that the cookie booth had caused excessive dog barking and unusually high traffic volume on the street when customers stopped or parked to buy cookies.” Well alrighty then. Two things here. I can’t tell you how many times young ladies selling Girl Scout Cookies in their driveway has caused a dramatic, nay, unbearable increase in dog barking in their respective neighborhoods during cookie selling season. I think this phenomenon was proven by the same dumbasses that have settled the science on man made global warming. In other words, what a load! If, and that’s a big if, this were the case, then the dumbass anti-Girl Scout Commie neighbor who complained can, oh, I don’t know, put your damn dog in the house when the cookie stand is open! Asshole. Or, alternatively, the dumbass neighbor can stuff his dog up his sphincter. But that would be animal cruelty, so it’s not an option. On the other hand, I’ll be more than happy to send the girls the money for a box of Girl Scout Cookies, which can be shoved up the dumbass neighbor’s anal passage. The second solution to this community menace is a felony, so I’ll just keep that idea to myself.

Now that there has been some blowback aimed at the city of Hazelwood, those dumbasses are backpedaling faster than Deion Sanders in man-to-man coverage.  Again, here’s the poor schlub who gets thrown to the wolves as city spokesman, “any plans to change the city code would have to be considered by the Hazelwood City Council.“There’s always room for re-evaluation,” he said. “We want people to realize the city of Hazelwood strongly supports the Girl Scouts of America and the ideals it stands for.” Oh, yeah. The support the city has shown the Girl Scouts is just oozing from City Hall. Just curious, I wonder how many boxes of Girl Scout Cookies the City Council bought this year? Just askin’.

To those of you who disagree with me, I law is a law, but that still doesn’t make it right. If so, does the dumbass Commie neighbor who complained to the city bitch and moan when there is a garage sale on that street? Doubtful. I know the city ain’t gonna go out of its way to look like the assholes they are, they (the city) get the revenue from the permits needed to hold a garage sale in Hazelwood, and I’m certain that they will find a good way to waste it. My point is this. Selling Girl Scout Cookies only happens for a few weeks a year and it is the MAJOR fund raiser for the group. The City of Hazelwood honchos should amend the law to where the Girl Scouts can do their thing a few weeks a year and the dumbass anti-Girl Scout Commie neighbor can still shove it up his ass. I am telling you now that there is no way in hell that the city wins a PR war with the Girl Scouts. Dumbasses. And that, my friends, is the way the Girl Scout Cookie crumbles.

(Hat tip to Columbia Daily Tribune  & Heather the Wife)

Dumbass Makes Funny Money With Ink Jet Printer, Local Merchants Don’t Notice

Usually when we do a story like the one you are a bout to read, the Dumbass of the Story is easy to spot. However, today we are tasked with picking our Dumbass from a group of Dumbass wannabes! So, gather the family around whatever it is you gather your family around,  read the story and make a group decision! Take a vote and those who correctly guess who the Dumbass is will get a treat, such as an ice cream cone! Those who name the wrong person as the Dumbass of the Story will become Honorary Dumbasses themselves! It’s a win-win situation! Here’s today’s Dumbass Story:

  • Earl Devine of Lafayette, Indiana recently decided that he needed some money. So, instead of getting a job and earning some cash flow the old fashion way, Earl chose to take another path. He printed his own money! Counterfeiting is certainly a step in the right direction of becoming a dumbass, but our friend Earl went above and beyond the call of Dumbass Duty when he printed some fake $100 bills with Abraham Lincoln’s face on them! I am certainly no expert on everything that is on a $100 bill, but I do know that Honest Abe ain’t supposed to be on one. Ratcheting up the dumbass to new levels, Earl went on a spending spree with the fake bills (here’s where our 2nd Dumbass of the Day nominee comes in)  and fooled several merchants in town! Now this turn of events begs a question: What.The.Fuck?! I can only surmise that these “merchants” were products of the Lafayette Public School System. I can also surmise that the Lafayette Public Schools are run by dumbasses. I’m sure that, as we speak, the Superintendent of Lafayette schools is on the phone with the federal Department of Education pleading for more of our tax dollars to pay dumbass teachers more money to “educate” and graduate more dumbasses like these “merchants”. Good work if you can find it, I guess. Earl’s life of crime came to an abrupt halt when a bartender(!), who is probably not a former student of Lafayette schools, realized he had been paid with a phony $100 bill. He called the cops and soon thereafter Earl became a guest of the Lafayette Criminal Justice System. This story gets.even.better. When asked about the funny money by the local bird cage liner, “Detectives called the bills “excellent fakes” in spite of other errors, such as red and blue dots that suggested the bill was printed from an inkjet printer“. It’s now painfully clear to me that at least one detective is, like Earl and several local “merchants”, a product of Lafayette schools. I just can’t, and won’t, label the entirety of the LPD as dumbasses, but one of their detectives is the third nominee for the coveted Dumbass of the Day Award. In fairness to the local “merchants” I mentioned above, several other businesses in town and neighboring West Lafayette also received fake cash from Earl, so what the hell, they are potential dumbasses, too.  

Here’s my take: The whole damn town of Lafayette, Indiana is loaded with dumbasses. Having said that, I guess I won’t be getting a “Welcome to Lafayette” package from the Greater Lafayette Chamaber of Commerce should I ever decide to move there. I’ll scratch Lafayette, Indiana off my “Where to Retire List”. Getting back to our story, the detective who made the “excellent fakes” comment about the $100 bills with Abe Lincoln on them, is not our Dumbass of the Day. This guy’s job is tough enough without being tagged a dumbass, a moron maybe, but not a dumbass. As for the educators in the Lafayette School District, they are probably members of some teachers’ union, so they can’t be blamed for Earl’s level of dumbassery, they just do whatever the Union tells them to do. Being members of a  teachers’ union is approaching Dumbassville, but the teachers, like the fuzz, have a thankless job and at least they are consistently churning out quality dumbasses like Earl. The process of elimination leaves us with no other choice, as if there was another choice, but to crown Earl as today’s Dumbass of the Day! Earl, you can pick up your award in 10-15 years. In regards to the apparent Dumbass Epidemic in Lafayette, Indiana, I have a brilliant solution. Make it a mandatory part of certifying teachers and law enforcement personnel, that they go to bartending school before being accredited by the State of Indiana as a public servant. It seems that the bartender that busted Earl is the only one that knows that Lincoln is not on a $100 bill. Everyone knows he’s on the fifty.

Texas Tidbits: The Passport to Texas History! Celebrate and Learn!

A New Republic Was Born

As you may have noticed if you were reading this blog during February when did a two week series of posts on the Texas Revolution, 2011 marks the 175th Anniversary of the Revolution and the Texas Declaration of Independence. In honor of this historic occasion, the State of Texas has come up with an utterly brilliant idea. The Passport to Texas History. Texas Highways magazine urges you to “show your Texas colors by obtaining a “Passport to Texas History,” and have it stamped at seven sites associated with the Texas Revolution. If you collect stamps from all seven sites by December 31, 2011, you’ll receive a commemorative gift from the Texas Independence Trail Region…” San Jacinto-Museum.org has more great info on the seven sites mentioned above, which are sites along the Texas Independence Trail. (Download a PDF of the Texas Independence Trail brochure here) The sites are:

  •  Gonzales – When Mexican soldiers tried to steal the settlers’ cannon – the fight was on!

  • San Felipe – Where Stephe F. Austin established his colony in 1823.  It was considered the social, economic and political center of the region.
  • San Antonio – Five Catholic missions were built here in the early 1700s to convert the native popluation.  In 1836, defenders at the Mission San Antonio de Valero (Alamo) were defeated by Mexican soldiers and the battle cry “Remember the Alamo” was born.
  • Washington-on-the-Brazos – Where representatives of Texas settlements met to make a formal declaration of independence from Mexico in early March 1836.
  • Goliad – In late March 1835, Colonel Fannin’s forces were imprisoned after surrendering in defeat.  They were then shot outside their prison cell in Goliad, marking this as the largest single loss of life during the days of the Texas Revolution.
  • La Porte (22 miles east of Houston) – The San Jacinto Monument stands as the world’s tallest memorial stone column on the site where Mexican rule over Texas came to a dramitic close on April 21, 1836.

Best of all? The Passport to Texas History is FREE and downloadable! Is that cool or what? This promises to be an adventure that you and your family will never forget. The feeling of being at the locations that played such a major role in Texas History and Independence where true Texas heroes fought and died for the dual causes of Liberty and Freedom. What a great experience this will be.

If I were back in Texas, I would teaching my little girls about the place where Daddy grew up and express to them how important it is to always stand up for their beliefs, like the men at the Alamo. An honorable death standing up for what is just, is preferable to the scourge of oppression. I want them to feel the pride when I explain what they are looking at and why it is a sacred place to so many of us. At this point, i’d like to leave you with a quote from John Steinbeck. “Texas is a state of mind. Texas is an obsession. Above all, Texas is a nation in every sense of the word.” Amen, brother. Amen.