Monthly Archives: April 2011

And the Question Is…..

This was one of my favorite Johnny Carson characters. It never failed to make me guffaw. Classic.

The man was a genius at what he did. Enough said.

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Tonight’s the Night! UPDATED

We’ve finally made it to the Big Day! Tonight at 6:30 pm EDT Heather and I will have a brief (15 minute) test run of the TexNetRadio Internet Radio Talk Show on BlogTalkRadio. Once there, use the search term “TexNetMaine” and you should be where you need to be to listen to the show. Simply follow the prompts and it should all be good. If you’d like to help us out, you can call in at (626) 414-3522.

You can expect things to be a little rough around the edges, as with any new endeavor, so sit back and enjoy the potential bloopers. It’s going to be a ton of fun and Heather and I are looking forward to it. After the show, I’ll schedule another one for sometime next week and we’ll have a little more time together to visit and discuss what’s on your mind.

Join us tonight at 6:30 pm EDT! We “see” you then!

UPDATE!!!  What a blast the show was! I am still not sure if everything was technically OK or not, it’s a bit hard to deduce. Thank you for listening to us tonight and a special thanks to my good friend James Ott for taking the time to call in and visit with us. I’ll keep you posted as to what time our next show will air so be looking for that soon. 

Dumbass Women Guests at Royal Wedding Have Stuff Growing Out of Their Heads!

I am a tortured man today (I am writing this on Friday). I climbed out of bed at 6:00 am and went downstairs to help my wife get the oldest daughter off to school and maintain some sort of control over the 4 year old. Let me tell you that that’s a tall order for an arthritic middle aged man with fibromyalgia. However, today this task was made more difficult to the nth degree. My wife had gotten up at 3:30 in the morning to watch the Royal Wedding! It was still on, of course when I woke up, much to my dismay. It was sickening. Listen (or watch) to the ABC-TV coverage of this hullaballoo and the mere sound of the voices of Barbara Walters and the other ABC cackling hens plus the sissy boy guest commentators will make you fucking VOMIT!

I did, however, find some much needed comic relief in this Royal Ripoff. The hats on many of the female wedding guests. I no longer have to depend on sit ups and crunches to maintain 6 pack abs. I laughed my way to 12 pack abs while watching these uppity broads flaunting the contraptions on their skulls. What follows is a series of actual photographs of actual hats worn by actual uppity broads at the actual uppity Royal Wedding. I will leave a comment under each photo unless I am rendered speechless by the absurdity of it all.

                                               The Hats at the Royal Wedding


This hat is the “I Cut Off Part of an Oak Tree and Attached It to My Head” look. It’s perfect for the Tree Hugger in every Royal Family.

This woman had caterpillars inserted into her skull at just the right time so they would emerge on the
day of the Big Event. She was last seen running scared from hungry mockingbirds.

“I’m wearing my supper plate as a hat today so I’ll be prepared for the Royal Buffet tonight.”


Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice, decided to don a buzzard’s nest with the egg included!

And finally…


Showing her love for the home team hockey club (Chicago Blackhawks), this Royal Wedding guest bragged that “We won the Stanley Cup!”, which she rented from the NHL.

There are a million more of these “designer” hats to make you heave and to prove what a generous man I am, Here’s the link to Google Images where you can view more uppity broads wearing uppity broad hats at the uppity Royal Wedding. Dumbasses.

I am sickened by the fact that I’ll never be able to un-see this monstrosities and/or get a do-over for today. Somebody please insert a Wilkinson Steel sword into omy left ear and out the right. Thank you.

Three Places That Make Americans Special

Howdy, y’all! Today we are going to take a trip through the Three States Plus One archives and pick out some posts about some extraordinary places in this wonderful country. The locations I picked are so full of history that it would be easy to write a set of encyclopedias on each one. Please take time to read each post because it will remind you of what you already know or teach you something new about how these States were so instrumental in the formation of the United States.

Virginia – The Old Dominion holds a special place in American History. Read the post and you’ll be astounded at what this one State has contributed to the United States.

Tennessee – It’s called the Volunteer State for a reason. I love Tennessee. Enough said.

Colorado – Colorado entered the Union in 1876, thus its nickname “The Centennial State”. Located within its borders are some of the most amazing sites that are memorials to a Great People from over 3000 years ago. This post is a tribute to The Ancient Ones.

The three posts above are three of my favorites from the over 500 stories I have written for this blog, and that’s saying a lot. Each and every post I write is like a child to me, it’s hard to like one more than the other, but in this case, I am comfortable in picking those listed above as special to me. They represent the best of America and have allowed me to re-understand what a blessed place these United States are. i think you’ll agree. Enjoy.

Drunk Passes Out in Port-o-Potty, Gets Padlocked In Overnight!

Ocupado

In late September, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties for quite a while. What the hell was I thinking? Along comes this dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.

Here’s the poop, I mean scoop. Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old dumbass in today’s story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john’s door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the dumbass went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered. When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9am and this dumbass was thirsty for breakfast and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as dumbass as passing out in a portable john, when I’m sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep…if you’re a drunk dumbass.

Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed  from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino. A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, “No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here.” Who the hell does he think he’s fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God’s sake and you guys call incidents like this one, Friday night!

This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. let’s hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, “We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it.” Be sure to knock first. You never know when you’ll intrude on a sleeping dumbass in a portable toilet. Dumbass.

The Movie Car Chase to End All Movie Car Chases

The greatest car chase in the history of car chases from Bullitt in 1968 starring Steve McQueen.

Texas Tidbits: One Ranger – An Incomparable Man

Badass Man

Texas history is full of larger-than-life characters, good and bad – Sam Houston, Davy Crockett, Bonnie and Clyde, LBJ, etc. One of the least-known of those Texas Legends is a man man named Joaquin Jackson.

I had heard of Joaquin Jackson before, but a couple of days ago I was reminded of him by my good friend, Bob Zeller. Bob also referred me to a book that Jackson wrote and he (Bob) highly recommended it. By now, no doubt you are asking yourself, “Who the hell is Joaquin Jackson?”

Joaquin Jackson is one of the most legendary Texas Rangers in the storied history of that law enforcement agency. Wikipedia tells us, “Joaquin Jackson was the Ranger who responded when riots threatened, violence erupted, and criminals needed to be brought to justice across a wide swath of the Texas-Mexico border from 1966 to 1993.” The article continues, “He followed legendary Ranger Captain Alfred Y. Allee Sr. into a shootout at the Carrizo Springs jail that ended a prison revolt—and left him with nightmares. He captured “The See More Kid,” an elusive horse thief and burglar who left clean dishes and swept floors in the houses he robbed. He investigated the 1988 shootings in Big Bend’s Colorado Canyon and tried to understand the motives of the Mexican teenagers who terrorized three river rafters and killed one. He even helped train Afghan mujahedin warriors to fight the Soviet Union.” These accomplishments alone would be defining moments in almost any lawman’s career, but we are not talking about any lawman here. We are talking about a Texas Ranger Legend, so you know there are more fascinating adventures to learn about. That’s where Joaquin Jackson’s books come in.

Ranger Jackson’s book that Bob Zeller told me about is called One Ranger followed up by One Ranger Returns. According to the reviews I seen, these two works are riveting not just because of superior writing, but because the stories are something straight out of Hollywood…but they are true. I have got to order these books!

I wish I had more space to dedicate to this extraordinary man, but I will leave you with more about his remarkable journey with an interview from the July, 2002 issue of Texas Monthly. It’s amazing reading, so give it a look. You can thank me later. 🙂

Now you know who Joaquin Jackson is.