Monthly Archives: May 2011

Texas Tidbits: Nice Guns She’s Got There

Nice Guns She’s Got There
  • Midland – The Sheriff’s Department of Midland County sounds like a great place to work. The “perks” are really cool…til you get caught. It seems that five of Midland’s finest were enjoying a little fellowship and discussing pressing law enforcement issues at an establishment named “Twin Peaks”. I don’t don’t know about you, but as a bachelor and man of the world for most of my adult life (until I met Heather), when a place of business is named “Twin Peaks”, two things leap to mind. Mountains or scantily clad young women. Being that this episode took place in Midland, mountains are ruled out immediately. That leaves what’s behind door number two : scanitly clad young women. Having said that, the name of a place alone is not necessarily an indication of what kind of business it is. However, and that’s a big however, when the business’ motto is “fun, friendly and sometimes flirty atmosphere!”, red flags (and scantily clad young women) go up like they were shot out of a thirty-aught-six. The scenario : These five cops were having a couple of beers at Twin Peaks. They befriended one of the scantily clad young women who works there and one of the Men in Blue invited the scantily clad young woman outside for a few snapshots. Nothing good could come from that. Even I have never been so inebriated as to do such a dumabass thing, plenty of other dumbass things but nothing this dumbass. Anyway, as if taking this girl outside for a few pictures isn’t dumbass enough, one of the cops gives her an AK-47 AR-15! (thanks to anonymous in the comments for the correction-Toby) to pose with on his squad car! Epic.Fail. The High Sheriff of Midland County failed to see the humor in this little incident and took appropriate disciplinary action against the officers. In all this skullduggery and debauchery (and harmless law enforcement fun), there is a two word moral to the story for the gentlemen involved : Dunkin. Donuts.

There’s your heart-warming human interest story for this week. Be sure to tune in next week when we’ll have a blockbuster of a tale when the Midland Sheriff’s Department spurns the lure of the scantily clad young women at Twin Peaks and opt for buffalo wings, beer and scantily clad young women at Hooters. You don’t wanna miss it!

Dumbass Organic Love

The internet has had an amazing effects on today’s society. Nowadays you can go online to pay bills, shop, do research, date and a thousand other things. I want to focus on the dating thing for today’s post. As you may or may not know, I met my wife online. Quick recap: we met in an AOL Chat Room , became friends, exchanged phone calls and one day I showed up here in Maine, not really knowing what to expect, but we ended up getting married and having a baby together. I have now been here for almost five years and everything is great. In spite of the fact that the internet has changed, or added to, the way things are done, the old fashion meet and greet of the real world still is the way to go for most people. Most single people prefer the old fashioned way to seek a mate…face to face. And one of the staples of finding a partner is till going strong. I am talking of meeting in a supermarket. Nothing says I love you like when two people reach for the same cumquat, touch hands and feel the sparks between each other.

But some dumbasses go to specialty grocery stores to meet and seek love over the tofu. Rainbow Foods of Minneapolis, Minny-sota is a trend setter when it comes to such encounters. Should we call thee knot heads Organic Dumbasses? I dunno. A spokes-organic dumbass for the grocery retailer explains, “Several people make the same types of food, and you can have a conversation that’s not intimidating.” Here’s some more organic dumbassery for you, “said co-op shoppers are likely to make connections because they “know that (others) share some values … whether environmental or health or the treatment of animals.” I can see it now. Two  organic dumbasses are admiring the bean sprouts when one of them says, “Nice global warming we’re having today”. then the other organic dumbass responds, “Yes, it is. The Polar Ice Caps are melting at an alarming rate and soon sea levels will rise by 20 feet! How about you and I go for a latte sometime?” If I weren’t busy heaving up breakfast, I’d find that type of meeting as Gaia-inspired. The conversation continues, “I hope these bean sprouts are from free range beans. I could never forgive myself if they weren’t.” The response, “Ooooh, baby, you really curdle my soy milk when you talk like that. Let’s live in sin together!” An organic dumbass romance is born.

I don’t want to rag people because they share the same interests like global warming and tofu…as a matter of fact, I DO want to rag on them because they are organic dumbasses! On top of that, they are generally a bunch of condescending assholes who think they are better than their non-organic dumbass friends. So Gaia damn them all! Organic dumbasses.

Rain Delay Antics at the Ball Game

Here’s what happens during a rain delay at the old ball game.

Plus One: Three for One!

Looking for Spare Change

Well, it looks like life over for most of today and so did my new friend Arthur. You may know Arthur, his last name is Itis. Arthur Itis. We went grocery shopping today at Super Wal Mart and it took a while longer than I had anticipated. With my wife recently adopting a healthier lifestyle, it’s very important to know what is in the food we buy. She read the labels on EVERY DAMN THING in the grocery department. It would have been faster to read War and Peace. I guess what I’m trying to say in a roundabout way is that I am tired and my buddy Arthur is killin’ me.
I have picked out some popular posts from the past for your perusal.

For our newer readers, it’ll give you a chance to catch up on what you’ve and for the Old Timers, maybe you can read something you missed the first time through. Thanks to you all for visiting and we’ll see you manana. Adios, y’all.

Dumbass Fakes Own Kidnapping, Prison Ensues

OK, here we go again. Another “dumbass does stoopid shit to get girl’s attention and ends up looking like a bigger dumbass because he goes to jail” story. let me splain.

There is this dumbass who lives in Roseville, Michigan with a lot of other dumbasses, but he stands head and shoulders above the other dumbasses. How do I know that? This is how I know…the dumbass faked his own kidnapping just to get the attention of a girl who turns out to be his ex-girlfriend! Folks, this is the kind of dumbassery that is so stoopid that it measures 6.5 on the Richter Scale. Lemme put this another way. If a horse was this stoopid, he’d be glue right now. Our dumbass, however, would be refused at the glue factory because he’s worthless, even as glue. So now it is your responsibility as a taxpayer to support his sorry ass for the next “X” number of years. We can only hope that, at the end of incarceration he has truly repented of his sins, is rehabilitated and is fit to join polite society again. In the meanwhile, I hope this dipshit, knuckle dragger gets his ass kicked every day for the duration of his prison term for pulling this little stunt. Oh…and don’t forget Leon “Hung Like A Horse” Williams, the Official Adopted Inmate of Dumbass News. Leon loves white meat. Leon says it tastes like chicken. Leon also doesn’t like it when pasty white sissy boys waste taxpayers money on elaborate pansy schemes to get the attention of a girl whose nicest words to you are, “Die in a fire, Asswipe”.

I was going to excerpt some of the story but, there’s not anything else that would add to this post, except this: “Deputies said the man told them he had been having suicidal thoughts and had previously attempted suicide. He was taken to a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation.” Well, I know that I feel beter. The Roseville, Michigan Police Department is on the case! And I want to wish our dumbass better luck the next time he tries to adios himself to that big Dumbass Dungeon in the Sky.

Remembering Our Fallen Heroes

R.I.P.

Veggie Bacon Quiche – Part 2

The Taste Test.