Monthly Archives: July 2011

Foie Gras Creates International Incident!

War Over Foie Gras?

If there’s one thing that pisses me off more than a bunch of tree huggers, it’s the animals’ rights dumbasses. Look, I love animals…mostly with mustard. But I digress. Seriously, I am against the mistreatment of any animal of any shape, species or national origin for any reason. Anyone found guilty of neglecting or otherwise causing unnecessary discomfort to am animal is deserving of punishment to the fullest extent of the law.

Having said that, I am also a carnivore. I love a medium rare steak, a big fat juicy cheeseburger, a deep fried catfish filet or a little Southern Fried yardbird (chicken) whenever the mood hits me. So when a bunch of “save the animals” dumbasses start breathing my air, I have a major problem. Even the people of France (of all places!) have their limits in regard to “animal rights”. Especially when it comes to foie gras. The French will wave the white flag in a war faster than a fat kid sucks down a Happy Meal, but do not jack with their goose (or duck) liver. They get real mean. Almost mean enough to say sacre bleu! For example…

Some food festival in Germany has banned foie gras from its gathering. You got it. The Germans gave in to the “animal rights” pussies. The groups said “the dish involves cruelty to animals because it comes from ducks or geese that have been force-fed to bloat their livers.” Boo fucking hoo. Now the French are so mad that French women have threatened to shave their armpits. This is serious business to the Frogs. I have eaten foie gras before and personally I’d rather be force fed a broken Budweiser bottle than to eat that shit again, but we are talking about the French here, so what else would you expect from them?

As hard as it is to admit, the Germans are being bigger dumbasses than the French in this instance. Giving in to a bunch of unshowered dickweeds like the “animal rights” assholes is more disgusting than the foie gras itself. I, therefore, call on my German brothers (and sisters) the recant their decision and serve the damn liver at the the food fest! You have
given up a piece of your Liberty  to a group of fascist dumbasses who would rather force you to capitulate to their misguided demands than to allow you to make a choice for yourself. We (the USA) kicked your asses in two world wars and saved the French from speaking German each time, so DO NOT force us to send in the Marines so that the Frogs can eat their fucking goose liver. It won’t be a pretty sight. So mach schnell, dumkopfs. get with the liver and eat the “animal rights” dip shits instead!



Pay Those Traffic Cam Fines or Else! Or Nothing.

Big Brother at the Traffic Light

I am a firm believer, immoveable actually, that if you give up up even the tiniest piece of your God-given Liberty for Justice, then you have relinquished something that will never come back to you and you deserve neither Liberty nor Justice. And one is a dumbass to believe otherwise.That’s paraphrasing Thomas Jefferson, perhaps the most brilliant of the Founding Fathers. And in my mind, red light cameras put up in cities all over this country, including here in Augusta, Maine, violate that very premise. We could engage in a long argument from boths sides this idea, but that is not the reason for this post. The purpose of this post is the dumbassery of government trying to control even the most minute aspects of our lives…and engaging in Epic Fail. See: Obama, Barack. But, I repeat myself.

For many years the city of LA has had red light cameras mounted on trffic signals all over the city and have collect untold millions of Angelenos’ hard earned dollars in traffic fines as a result of drivers being caught in camera committing various and sundry traffic offenses. There’s just one teensy weensy problem here. Read this closely: the City of Los Angeles has no legal standing to enforce the payment of fines associated with traffic cams as the sole evidence of any alleged wrongdoing while driving. Read that again. I’ll wait for you. To add insult to injury to the tens of thousands of people who have already paid those fines, the City itself admitted last week that the traffic cam fines were unenforceable and VOLUNTARY!  What. The. Fuck? I have a sneaky feeling that there are more than a few pissed off residents of LA. A voluntary fine for God’s sake!

This “voluntary fine” comes from the same bunch of Liberal asswipes that have taxed Calee-forn-ee-yans and the state of Calee-forn-ee-ya into near insolvency. Is it any wonder that sensible people are fleeing Calee-forn-ee-ya in droves? Such a beautiful place populated by enough dumbasses to keep electing and re-electing the dipshits that have put them in a position of being taxed into oblivion or move to another location with a less repressive State Gubmint. I feel for you, Calee-forn-ee-yans…almost.


Family in Hawaii Discover Child’s Hand at Bird Sanctuary…Or Do They?

Have you seen the child this hand belongs to?

If you found a something on the beach that resembled the dried up hand of a small child, the first thing any rational person would do is to call 9-1-1. It’s the only right correct thing to do. End of story.

However, another thing comes to mind before making that 9-1-1 call.Making sure the “small child hand-looking thing” is indeed a human hand, not say, oh I don’t know, a dried up dead squid(!) or something. The family who discovered the object failed to do that when the “hand” was found on the beach near Honolulu. Dumbasses. They encouraged the dumbasses at the Goat Island Seabird Sanctuary to call the Hawaii Dept of Natural Resources and Conservation who responded post haste to this “emergency”.

After nearly 10 seconds of detailed observation, the DNR guys made they call and reported it with all due solemnity. It was a dead squid! Upon further reflection, two things come to mind. 1) The dumbasses at the Goat Island Bird thing need to stick to identifying birds and 2) the family who thought the dead squid was a child’s hand should be mercilessly berated and belittled for being so damn stoopid. On point number 2, I am only kidding. Instead of being mocked and humiliated, the family should all be forced into being spayed or neutered. The gene pool is shallow enough these days.


Cruise Ships, Drunks, Anchors and Gazebos!

Anchors Aweigh!

Here’s some “news” for you. A guy is on a cruise ship from Mexico headed for Florida when he got drunk (imagine that!) and gained access to a control room and lowered the anchor! Problem is the ship was still moving! His lawyer said the drunk guy was guilty of “felony stupidity”, but not a Federal Crime. He is also worthy of a spot on Dumbass News!

Drunk dumbasses do a lot of stoopid stuff, but this has to be one of the stoopidest ever. At the beginning of the year we had some great candidates for “Dumbass of the Year”, but this idiot is the leader in the Dumbass Club House with barely five months left in 2011. Think about it. The guy got into a control room on a cruise ship and lowered the anchor, for Gawd’s sake! I have never been on a cruise (unless you count cruising the Sonic to Jack in the Box cruise in Irving, Texas in the 70’s) but I am highly encouraged to do so now. It not only sounds like fun, but they must have some killer tequila on board. Or rotgut whiskey. Both are known to, shall we say, impair one’s judgement. Put simply, one, should he or she choose, could get hammered and have all sorts of fun!

Dropping the anchor would be for pikers. As a former Professional Drinker, I could come up with all kinds of “extracurricular” activities that would surely be much more enjoyable than merely dropping the anchor of a moving cruise ship. Strip roulette in the ship’s casino comes to mind. A nekkid drunk guy could sit on the roulette wheel, be spun around bets would be placed on whether his gazebos landed on red or black! Possibly both! Wow, what entertainment and everybody wins! Until the nekkid drunk guy gets dizzy then the game tends to get a bit messy. You have been warned.

I have many more splendid ideas for cruise ship fun that perhaps we’ll discuss in a future edition of Dumbass News. For example, think pineapple rings, nekkid drunk people and ring toss.


Commit Felonies in New Hampshire & Do Not Go to Jail!

Portsmouth, New Hampsire is a nice, cuddly seaside community of about 21,000 people on part of the 300 yards of coastline in the Granite State. Actually, the coastline of NH could be 400 yards long, but what’s a hundred yards between dumbasses? What can be for sure is that at least one of Portsmouth’s visitors is bat shit crazy.

A Masshole (a dumbass from Maasivetwoshits), which borders New Hampshire, went to Portsmouth to buy a car. He bought one and was not satisfied with the car or the dealership that sold it to him and their response to his complaints. So what does he do? He goes back to the car lot and goes on a rampage of destruction. From the UPI story, “Cross (the bad guy) said his mechanic recommended he “take it back,” but the dealer refused to refund his money and told him he was “stuck with it.”

Cross said he brought the van back to the dealership just before midnight Monday night and drove it into six cars.

“I hit the first $25,000 car I could see,” Cross said. “I didn’t hit a car under $20,000. Then I moved a van that they wouldn’t come down on the price for. I moved it with the lemon they sold me. I just held it to the floor until I couldn’t move it anymore. I took out seven vehicles, including my own.” Cross said he flagged down a police cruiser and told an officer “the deal.” He was arrested and released on his own recognizance”

Dude was charged with six felonies and released without posting bail? What. The. Fuck? Let this be a notice to all felons that New Hampshire is “tough on crime”. I shall now remand myself to the Criminal Mastermind Division of the Toby Dome and secretly plan numerous felonies that will rock the Granite State, get set free on my own recognizance and return home to never face Justice! How diabolically genius!

Thanks, New Hampshire Court System!


Mom is Buried Where?

Now where is Mom again?

What’s up with all the dead people stories lately, Toby? Let me splain.

How would you like it if one of your loved ones died and was buried in what was supposed to be his/her final resting place only to find out later, twenty years later, that someone else was interred in that spot? Personally I’d find the Head Guy In Charge of Burying Dead People at the cemetery, chew his ass up one side and down the other, show him the error in his ways, then contact the most notorious ambulance-chasin’ lawyer with the worst TV commercial on the air and sue the shit outta the cemetery. But that’s just me.

And two sisters in Queens, NY. The above-mentioned situation actually happened to these poor women. They had been paying homage to their long-dead mother when they found out she was buried in the wrong place, not the plot they had bought years earlier. Now the women (sisters) are real pissed off . How PO’ed? Po’ed to the tune of $25 million. That’s  pretty damned mad. Who can blame them? Fucking up your Mom’s grave site location can be a very traumatic experience for the bereaved. Come to think of it, it ain’t no walk in the park for the Head Guy In Charge of Burying People at the graveyard either. He could be out $25 million. Put that in your urn and smoke it.


Let’s Take Fake Arrest Photos in an Unlocked Police Van!

Many of us have had too much to drink at one time or another and have done some stupid shit, especially when we were young. However, even in my drunkest moment, I have never done anything as stupid as crawling into the back of a paddy wagon. Never. The same can’t be said for a a pair of dumbasses in Pennsylvania.

Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

The two dumbasses were at a party when lo and behold, they spot a Police Van nearby. Being typical drunk young men (and by that I mean stoopid fuckers) they see an opportunity to pull a dumbass drunk young stoopid fuck stunt. Looking to impress their party buddies, the two dumbasses crawl into the back of the paddy wagon so they could take some photos that made it look like they were being arrested! What could possibly go wrong?  They locked themselves in the van! That’s what could possibly go wrong. I may be the odd man out here but the back of a Police Van is the last place I want to be. So these two dumbasses just sat around in the van smoking cigs and spitting all over the place. When discovered by Police, the lawman was less than amused. He was so less than amused that he arrested the duo of dumbasses and charged them with attempted theft of a mtor vehicle, being drunk in public (no shit?) and criminal mischief.

The moral of the story is don’t drink like Mel Gibson and jack with a Police van, spitting all over said van is a no no and for Gawd’s sake quit smoking!


UPDATE: Thanks to my wife Heather for the use of her computer while mine lay destroyed by Bailey the 4 Year Old.