Monthly Archives: August 2011

College Golf Team Does Nekkid Calendar; Hides Gazebos Behind Golf Clubs

Big Bertha, Gazebo Concealer

I have been in contact via Facebook with some long-time friends of mine back home in Texas who have kids starting college this fall. Their offspring will be attending fine universities like Texas A & M – Commerce and the University of Texas at Tyler. It’s probably a good thing that my friends are very involved with their kids’ education and helped the youngsters make a decision on the school that is right for them. My friends, and by extension their children, will be pleased that Bethany College in Kansas was not among their final choices of institutions of higher learning. Let me splain.

Not too long ago a few members of the men’s golf team at Bethany posed for a calendar. This was, however, no ordinary calendar! These young men posed nekkid using golf clubs to cover their gazebos and “putters”. Putzes. I have never posed for nekkid photos for a calendar or any other publication, but I used to be a scratch (no pun intended) golfer and I have gazebos. I therefore feel that I am qualified to inject (again no pun intended) my golfing and gazebo knowledge into this conversation.

When trying to conceal one’s “putter” for a photo, one should not use a putter (the golf club) in order to do so. The blade, of the putter would only hide a small portion of a man’s “putter”. Unless he has a small “putter”. One should also consider the loft of the club (the angle at which it connects to the shaft), (again no pun intended…OK…maybe the pun was intended on this one). A pitching wedge, for example, has a loft that would be unsatisfactory in hiding one’s “putter”. A 2 or 3 iron maybe, but not a wedge. My choice would be a driver or a Big Bertha. Both of these clubs have large heads (OK, ALL the puns were intended!) on them that would most likely cover all but the largest of “putters”. Of course, a head cover ( I kill myself) would be the most effective non-club option, but apparently that wasn’t one the choices for the photo shoot. For non-golfers, a club cover is a sock-like gizmo that fits over the club heads of the woods (bwahahahaha) in a set of golf clubs that protects the club head from the elements and scratches, etc. That’s the way I see it anyway.

These young men, their gazebos and “putters” (the clubs and non-clubs versions), were suspended from the first three tournaments in conference play for their shenanigans. Not for posing nude for the calendar, but for using the words “Bethany College” on it.

From the UPI story: 
School officials said the picture did not violate athletic regulations but the caption bore the words Bethany College, which officials said was an inappropriate use of the institution’s name. I just want to make sure they understand life choices and consequences.” Well hell! That cleared that right up, didn’t it? What would the staff at Bethany College do if one of their coeds was a stripper and wore a BC tank top while gettin’ neekid? I’m just askin’.

The golf team bogeyed this one and ended up stymied by the college. Such are the water hazards of life for young people. And par for the course.

Dumbasses.

Climate Change Causes Mental Illness! Billions Will Become Dumbasses!

Climate Change Sufferers Now Being Accepted

What catastrophe is Climate Change (CC), Global Warming (GW), whatever it’s called this week, not responsible for? Today alone, I have read that it’s this generation’s racism according to Algore, brush fires, the obliteration of polar bears due to the melting of the Polar Ice Cap, in spite of the fact that there are now more polar bears today than in any other time in modern history and the Polar Ice Cap is growing, not melting, and the BIG news today is that CC (Climate Change) is causing mental illness among hundreds of millions of Earthlings. We’re all going to be psychos !!!!!eleventy111!!!

Now, as someone who has a couple of forms of mental health issues, I can assure you, at least from my own point of view, that GW, nor any other form of weather/climate change, has made one iota of difference in the severity (good or bad) of my mental health. I have had these conditions for most of my life. Not even the “climate scare” of the 1970’s (the coming of the New Ice Age) according to Time Magazine, June 24, 1974, nor the coming (already here?) incineration of the Earth due to GW has caused me to eat children or hate minorities. For you “normal” people out there, you are the ones who will join me in the Fruit Loops Club as Mental Defectives. How can I claim such a thing? It’s on the internet so it must be true! Don’t believe me? This article in the Sydney (Australia) Morning Herald backs me up…even though I know it’s a bunch of Liberal Weenie/EnviroNazi Fear Mongering BS. It’s a short column, so take a few seconds to peruse it.

If you’ve read this blog for any period of time, you know that I am just being a dumbass. Man-caused CC is a bunch of bullshit. It’s a scheme for our “betters” like Algore to make millions of dollars by scaring the hell out of a bunch of real dumbasses, not the “good” dumbasses like you and me. Fear mongering and scare tactics are the modus operandi of dipshits like Algore. Think about this: Algore flies all over the world in a private jet spewing tons of CO2 and other pollutants into the atmosphere with each trip he takes. He has a mansion in Tennessee that uses as much energy as 100’s of normal homes! Al the Dickweed spits forth the fact that sea levels are rising at an alarming rate, but guess what? He bought a multi-million dollar pad on the beach in California! Is Algore stoopid enough to buy such a home if the sea levels are truly rising so rapidly? He’s an asshole, scam artist and a hypocrite but he ain’t stoopid. He thinks you are stoopid. And he got rich off a shitload of stoopid fucks pandering his Climate Change crap.

Having said all that, there must be some truth to the CC causes mental illness. Just look at how wealthy the pea brains who believe in this fantasy made Algore and his ilk. They must be completely insane to fall for such a fucking hoax.

Dumbasses.

The Worlwide Horde of Dumbasses Overwhelms Commie State Gubmint of Maryland!

Commie State of Maryland Flag

Dumbasses from all over the world come through!!! Viva Dumbasses!

Today is monumental day for Dumbass News. For the first time in the history of this blog, I am rescinding the Dumbass of the Day Award to someone. It’s a simple decision really. A few days ago, I wrote this post about the Commie State Gubmint of Maryland billing the family of a young woman who was killed in an automobile accident when she ran into a guardrail.

The Commie State Gubmint of Maryland reconsidered their dumbass decision after much criticism from both thousands of Dumbass News readers from all around my neighborhood over the globe I’d like to say. I’d like to say that but I am a bit skeptical of it. As of now, however, I’d like to remove the West Texas Mojo Curse off the Commie State Gubmint of Maryland and thank them for coming to their senses about such a boneheaded thing to do. Although the West Texas Mojo Curse has been removed, it can at any time for any reason be reinstated as I see fit. Having said that, I’d also like to say that the Commie State Gubmint of Maryland is still a Commie State Gubmint.They will remain on Dumbass Double Super Secret Probation until I and I alone decide that they are worthy of being designated otherwise. After all, they are still…

…Dumbasses.

Hurricane Irene Is Headed Straight For My House

Bring it, Bitch!

As you probably know there is a little thing going on in the Atlantic Ocean. It’s called Hurricane Irene. Irene is a nasty bitch headed straight up the East Coast and will eventually run her bitch ass course somewhere in Canada. Many of you may not know that I live in Maine and Maine is next door neighbors with Canada and therefore this fucking hurricane is going to pass right through the middle of the Pine Tree State. Further, this Irene will pass nearly directly over where I am sitting right now. I do not look forward to this, but being a Texan and all, this hurricane is really not much more than a West Texas Turd Floater.

People all over the Globe read this blog and they may not have experienced such a potentially devastating weather event as a hurricane. I will, therefore, as long as the electricity stays on, try to live blog the passing of Irene as she makes her way over my house. The storm’s arrival (here in Maine) is not due until Sunday afternoon or night, so I have a little time to keep you posted as to what is going on in regards to what’s shakin’. (pun intended)

Here’s  a shot of the predicted path of Irene as she slams into the state this weekend:

Now here’s a link to accuweather.com that goes into more detail about Irene and what to expect for the Northeast US and New England, where I live. Augusta is teetering right on the edge of “thank goodness” and ‘oh, shit!” as far as the intensity of the hurricane goes, but I think we’ll be OK since we are the East, or “good” side of the storm.

Believe it or not, I am more worried about the damage to my small garden than I am to our residence. We’ll be OK, the garden, not so much. Oh, well…There’s always next year.

The Small Garden

In conclusion I’d like to say…Bring it on, Irene! we ain’t skeered.

Dumbass. bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

UPDATE: Not as bad as we thought? Irene weakens. 

UPDATE #2: It’s a dud. 

NYC Mayor Bloomberg Shuns Heroes of 9/11/2001!

JINO Creep and His Master

The Mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg, is an asshole. He’s a self-absorbed out of touch with the “little people” dickweed, too. He has instituted policies in NYC that make a sane person ask, what. the. fuck.? No salt in restaurant food, no trans fats in said food and some other Nanny State, the Citizens are too Stupid to Figure Stuff Out on Their Own edicts. In other words, Hizonner is a dumbass. Having said that, the New Yorkers who voted for this putz over and over again ain’t too bright either. But Bloomberg and the idiots that put him into office are Liberals and Liberals know what’s best for everybody else as long as such draconian rules don’t apply to them. In spite of all the Commie doctrine that Mayor Dumbfuck had foisted upon the peasants citizens of New York, he recently issued an order that bans political and religious speech at the 10th Anniversary Memorial for 9/11! That’s bad enough, but Bloomingidiot also did NOT invite the NYPD, FDNY and other first responders to participate in the ceremony!. I. Ain’t. Making. This. Up. There a many sources that have reported on this, so rather than link to one source, here’s a link of Google search results of many of those sources.

What the hell is this guy thinking? But, as the cheap ass merchandise TV commercials say, there’s more! While denying the Freedom of Speech at this event to Christians and Jews, Bloomberg supports the construction of the Ground Zero Mosque! You know, a Mosque where Muslims “worship”. These are the same ‘Religion of Peace’ (bwahahahahahaha) adherents that call Jews the sons of apes and pigs. The same ROP’ers who believe, as taught in the Koran, that the “Zionist Entity” (Israel) must be destroyed and all Jews (and other infidels) must be KILLED or put into servitude. What part of “these pedophile worshiping (pbuh) subhumans want to kill non-Muslims” does mayor Bloomberg not understand? Not only has the Mayor turned his back on people of faith and the heroes of the aftermath of 9/11, but all in one fell swoop he has told the people of NY and the USA “fuck you!”

This small little man obviously has a very high opinion of himself and will go to extraordinary lengths to impose his distorted (self-serving?) view of the world on his “subjects”. No wonder NYC is bleeding residents fed up with this kind of immoral behavior. They are the truly smart ones who have fled Bloomberg’s tyranny and Nanny Stateship.

Mr. Mayor, karma’s a bitch and if you don’t get yours in this lifetime for your betrayal of your fellow Jews and Christians, New Yorkers and Americans, then surely you’ll get what you have coming when you stand before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, Allah God willing. I hope the people of New York City will heap the scorn and ridicule upon you that you so richly deserve you traitorous asshole.

So, on behalf of the millions of New Yorkers and Americans who despise you and your Godless JINO (Jew In Name Only) ways…FUCK YOU!

Dumbass.

21Year Old Woman Dies in Crash, State Sends Parents a Bill for Guardrail Damage!

WARNING! This post contains language that may not be suitable for work and certainly IS NOT suitable for children. You have been WARNED!

In Remembrance***

This story could only happen in a Commie place like Maryland. Or New York. Or California. Or Illinois (specifically Chicago). I’m glad I came across this story because it gives me a chance to piss off a bunch of pansy Liberals. I don’t like pansy Liberals. At all. They are a bunch of big government, intellectually bankrupt, holier than thou pussies. Let me spalin.

This past May 29 a terrible car accident killed 21 year old Sarah Marie Stebbins of Columbia, Maryland. needless to say her parents were crushed at the news of their young, vibrant daughter dieing so young and so unexpectedly. Life ain’t supposed to go like that. Parents are supposed to die first, not their children.

It has been less than three months since this tragic event and Sarah’s parents are still grief-stricken about it. I cannot and do not ever want to know what the Stebbinses are going through. I can only offer them prayers and hope that they mourning will go away soon, as if it ever will. God bless them. To prove much they care, the Commie State of Maryland sent the Stebbinses a letter concerning the crash that took their daughter’s life. At first glance, you’d think, “Well, how nice. A letter of sympathy from the State.” But hold on thar, Babba Louie! This wasn’t exactly a letter of condolences. It was more like a bill for the damages to the guardrail that Sarah hit when she died! Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.? To add insult to injury, the State of Maryland threw in a complimentary copy of the accident report for free! Mad yet? Sit down or prepare to go ape shit crazy, there’s one last little tidbit that pus the cherry on top of the shit flavored ice cream that is the Commie State of Maryland. The state gubmint also sent with the bill and the accident report…get…ready…wait…for…it…a letter of deliquency! Here’s a quote from the Commie State of Maryland’s letter to the Stebbinses, “Invoices are considered delinquent if not paid within 30 days of the invoice date. Delinquent invoices may be reported to credit reporting bureaus. Invoices referred to the Maryland Central Collection Unit will be charged an additional collection fee of 17 percent on unpaid balances as per Maryland law.” I am so furious I could spit sparks right now. I am gonna take a quick break from typing this bullshit, then I’ll be back to belittle, berate and otherwise blast the Commie State of Maryland. Gimme a minute.

OK, I am back.

Where to begin? First, I have never been to Maryland. I understand it’s a great place with a a lot of good people. Unfortunately, none of those good people, it seems, work for the Commie State Gubmint. Second, fuck you, Commie State of Maryland Gubmint, especially the Godless bastard who is responsible for sending out this letter to the Stebbinses! I’d rather crawl over a mile of razor blades then swim through a lake of rubbing alcohol infested with hungry crocodiles than to ever spend one fucking penny in that hell hole of a place called Maryland. And for good measure, fuck you dumbasses again! have you cock suckers no decency? A 21 year old woman is DEAD and her parents are grieving over her tragic death and you butt fucking pussies want to bill them for a fucking guardrail??!! And threaten to ruin their credit? And charge them interest? You Communist assholes have not only crossed the line of decorum and common sense, you have obliterated it. For the love of God, oh wait….you people are Godless Commies, so let me try a new approach…fuck you and the crab you rode in on!

I was going to go into the politics of Maryland, but they have already proven to the world that they are a bunch of low life shit stains with their actions directed to the Stebbinses. Rest assured, Commie State of Maryland, that I will do everything in my power to keep decent people from all over the world to never visit, drive through, take a vacation, attend an Orioles or Ravens game or otherwise breathe the foul air that smothers your taxed out the ass, crime riddled, punk ass, tiny hell hole again. Your Commie State has over taken California (the State, not the people, except Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer) as the place that God would give this country an enema. Assholes.

In conclusion, I’d like to ask you, Commie State of Maryland, have said “fuck you” lately? OK. Fuck you!

Dumbasses.

**This is NOT an image of the dead girl in this story***

Man Shows Tackle Box While Fishing; Has Only 4 Inch Worm

Small Bait for Small Fish

Dumbasses are, unfortunately, to be found everywhere on the Big Blue Marble, including, sadly, my favorite activity, fishing. If you are a fisherman like me, you are all too familiar with these dickweeds – the ones who zoom by in there $25,000 bass boats creating a wake and a jet engine level noise that really pisses off serious fisherman like me (Fish. Fear. Me.) These goobers have no sense of common courtesy or fishing etiquette. I loathe these morons. There are, however, other kinds of dumbasses that can ruin a good fishin’ trip without making a sound. Let me splain.

In Spokane, Washington, land of Fruits, Nuts, Transplanted Californians (but I repeat myself) and pot heads, one guy recently created quite a stir not by driving his fancy bass boat but by fishing in the nude. Other fishermen and outdoors enthusiasts were not amused. Dean the Nekkid Guy was showing his “nightcrawler” for all to see when he was reported to the police. Why Dean the Nekkid Guy was doing this isn’t clear, but witnesses confirmed that Dean wasn’t exactly “fishing for lunkers”, if you know what I mean and I think you do. The only thing this dumbass caught was a felony charge of indecent exposure. Dean racked up a felony accusation because this wasn’t his first time at showing his “tackle box” in public. No shit?! Dean had already accrued previous charges of stalking and indecent exposure, so Felonyville it was for this dipshit. Bill Dance this guy ain’t.

My advice to any other dope smoking freak is to keep your “crankbait” in your “tackle box” while in public. You never know when the cops will handcuff you and your “rod’ and throw your sorry ass into the Crossbar Marina. Even though lack of sufficient evidence may come into play.

Dumbass.