Monthly Archives: September 2011

Wheel of Misfortune!

The Crud still has a firm grip on my gazebos, so I am still sick as a dawg. Unable to sally forth, I am re-posting a story from last November that was warmly received by dumbasses around the world. And by “warmly received” I mean rejected like it was contaminated with leprosy. Anyway, here ya go… 

 On game shows, things don’t always go as planned. You put people in an atmosphere where they could win a shitload of money and/or prizes, and things could, unintentionally, turn ugly real quick. I remember watching Wheel of Fortune (I think) long ago and the puzzle looked like this “N*GGER”. That is a recipe for disaster. At first glance, it looks very much like a racial epithet waiting to happen. But the correct answer was “NAGGER”. Still, what a dumbass thing to even let the appearance of something so vile be a part of the game.

Such an incident, while very rare, is not limited to American TV. There are plenty of dumbasses in other countries too. In England, the standards for TV are quite different than those of the USA. They are a little more “liberal” across the pond. For instance, I have seen episodes of some Chef Ramsey show of one kind or another where the word “shit” is not bleeped out. On other shows on whatever over the air dumbass UK channel you’ll see women with their “assets” exposed for all to see.

Which brings us to our story for the day. In jolly old England, on Channel 4, they air a show called “Countdown“, which I gather is a lot like Wheel of Fortune. But the British are very lucky because this show, Countdown, has neither hide nor hair of Keith Olberdouche associated with it.(Countdown. MSNBC. Olberdink. get it? Nevermind) Just sayin’. However, Countdown is not immune from its own dumbass moments. Not long ago, the show had a puzzle with the following letters in it: “DTCEIASHF”. Take a  minute to look it over and try to figure out what could possibly go wrong. I am gonna go check the mail, and I expect an answer from you when I get back. Your time starts now. OK, I’m back. If you guessed “SHITFACED”, you have solved the word puzzle the same way the contestant on the show did. While this a perfectly legitament answer, the dumbass producers of this show made a decision to re-tape the show (!) because of this answer, relegating this segment to the cutting room floor and keeping their “squeaky clean” reputations spotless. Dumbasses.

What the fuck? You dumbasses were the ones to allow this word puzzle on to your show, and then some poor dumbass gives a perfectly good answer and you shitcan it? It’s not like you dumbasses have any “standards” or anything. You dickweeds canceled Benny Hill for God’s sake. Well, maybe not Channel 4, but the same assholes that run British TV canceled Benny Hill. Dumbasses. And these idiots all the of sudden have scruples. Pardon me while I heave.

Solve this puzzle you British TV censor bitches. CUFK OYU MUDBESSSA.

I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat.


Christmas in September!

I am still fighting The Crud. I feel like someone ran me over with a Caterpillar Road Grater, so I am going to regale you with a post I wrote a few days after Christmas last year. Hell, I figure that if WalMart can have Christmas stuff in display in September, I can put up a story about Christmas in September. It’s a funny family story that I’m sure you can all relate to. Enjoy it! Dumbasses. 🙂 

 I have read some nice stories about people all over the country having such a wonderful Christmas with their families. Include my family on that list. The Terrero family in West Hartford, Connecticut had a very memorable Christmas, especially 19 year old Francheska. It was a typical Christmas Eve at the Terrero house until Francheska got into the Christmas “spirits”.

The story doesn’t say what prompted Francheska’s outburst, other than the fact that she was bombed, but she must have been in holiday frame of mind because she picked up the family Christmas tree and threw it at her parents! Assuming that ‘Terrero” is an Eye-talian name, I thought throwing Christmas trees at one’s parents might be some sort of weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition. So, being a Professional Internet Blogging Sensation and 10th Degree Black Belt in Google Fu, I went to the best source of Weird Eye-talian Christmas Traditions that I could find. My wife, who is Eye-talian. When I asked her about Christmas Tree Throwing as an Eye-talian tradition, she says to me, “Are you drunk?”. I took that as a “no”.

Anyway, Francheska got smashed on Christmas Eve and threw a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her Mom and Dad. Mom called 911 and reported a 10-86, which in Police 10-code terminology means “drunk daughter throws a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her parents. As Mom was on the phone with the cops, Frankie yanked the phone out her hand and threw that too at her father! I know for a fact that phone throwing on Christmas Eve is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, but it is a weird Christmas tradition for drunk Hungarians. But I digress.

So the heat (cops) show up at the Terrero home and notice that Francheska is FUBAR’ed and that the Christmas tree had been “relocated” and it was surrounded by some shattered ornaments. The police then explain to Francheska that even though Christmas tree throwing is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, it is against the law, especially if you throw the tree at another person. Frankie was charged with disorderly conduct, assault and interfering with a 911 call, not to mention throwing fully decorated Christmas trees at your parents while shit faced without a permit. OK, I made that last charge up.

Francheska was hauled off to jail, Mom and Dad were treated for minor injuries and the Christmas tree suffers from PTSD, so all things considered, everything turned out for the best and we can all be thankful that it wasn’t Thanksgiving and Francheska got hammered and threw a bowl of giblets at her parents. Or is that a weird Eye-talian Thanksgiving Tradition that I am unaware of ? I’ll have to ask my Eye-talian wife about that one. Hopefully, she won’t notice that I’m drunk.  🙂

(hat tip to Heather)

Liberal Weenie Doctors Slam Cheese! In Wisconsin!

Viva Los Cheeseheads!

There are certain truths in life that you just don’t mess around with. When in Texas, it’s a real bad idea to make fun of chili. In North Carolina, it’s not too smart to complain about pulled pork sandwiches. You piss into the wind and another undeniable fact of life is that you do not bad mouth cheese in America’s Dairyland, Wisconsin. Let me splain.

There’s a group of doctors located near Green Bay (Go Pack!) who have gone and pissed in the Cheerios, or more accurately, cheese, of the fine, cheese-loving population of the state. This is not wise. I’d say it’s more, oh, what’s the word, dumbass. The Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine has put up a billboard near Title Town that blasphemes one of America’s favorite foods, cheese, and that has some folks pretty damn mad. Besides the usual “if you eat cheese you’ll die” bullshit, the billboard also features the Grim Reaper wearing a Cheesehead Hat. That’s one of those giant wedges of cheese that you see tens of thousands of fans wear at Lambeau Field during a Green Bay Packers game. (Go Pack!). It would be a better idea to call the Pope an atheist than to demean a Cheesehead hat in Green Bay. At least the Pope would forgive. Packers fans will not.

But, Toby, this group is made up of doctors, shouldn’t they know this stuff? Yes they are doctors and no they don’t necessarily know this stuff. This particular group of physicians is a bunch of Liberal do gooders that want to tell you how to live your life. Toby don’t play dat. And if they want to live at all, they should drop the billboard idea like the Packers front four drops an opposing quarterback – real quick. These dipshit docs are messing with lots of people who work in and around the cheese industry and by extension, messing with these same folks’ livelihood. Slick move ex Lax.

If this bunch of weenie yankers want to do the country a service, move to California and preach the gospel of why granola and the sissies that eat it are bad for the human race. They won’t fight back, but they just might scratch your eyes out, you meanies.


Man Struck by Lightning on His Lightning Rod!

This Could Hurt a Man’s Gazebos

Well, this is certainly something you don’t hear everyday.

Many of us have been in a situation where the “call of nature” has reared its ugly head and resolving the issue  is simply too much of a chore. Anyway, John had to piss and he had to piss in a hurry. He pulled over and was taking care of business when all of the sudden ZAP ZOWIE ZONK, a bolt of lightning appears from nowhere and struck John on his, shall we say, pecker. That’s gonna leave a mark! Luckily, John somehow escaped with only minor injuries, his gazebos remaining intact. Regarding the incident John said, Thankfully, the doctors said that there would be no lasting effects, and my penis will function normally eventually.” John’s wife must be quite grateful. And I’m sure John is not exactly disappointed. He’s damn lucky his gazebos didn’t fry like a cheap piece of chicken in a vat of hot grease. 

John should also hope that lightning doesn’t strike in the same place twice. He (and his penis) may not be so lucky next time. Count your blessings (and gazebos), John. And please, no more pissing in public.


Kenmore Washer Assists in a Crime!

Accessory to a Crime

Have you noticed that many of dumbasses reside in the Sunshine State? I don’t know why that is, but it is. On second thought, I do know why that is. It’s because of all the damn Yankees leaving the Northeast and moving down to Florida.We all know that there is no such thing as a Southern Dumbass. Drunk, yes. Dumbass, no. This has been proven by science. OK, I made that last part up, but we know it to be true anyway. Today’s dumbass is obviously a Yankee because no self-respecting Southerner would do something this stoopid. Allow me to elucidate. For all you Yankees in the audience, that means “Let me splain”. Side note: I don’t hate Yankees. I am married to a Yankee woman. I just like raggin’ on Yankees cuz it pisses ’em off. And when a Yankee gets pissed, he/she automatically starts talking like a member of the Sopranos. It’s quite entertaining actually.

Recently, Robert James Luther III (he’s gotta be a Yankee, otherwise he’d be called Bobby Jim or some shit) broke into a vacant house to wait. for. it….do laundry! The fact that he actually committed a crime to do his laundry also leads us to conclude that he’s a Yankee. redneck men always have a woman do their laundry for them – mama, wife, etc. A nearby cop saw Robert force his way into the house and immediately said to himself, “Look! That Yankee guy is breaking into that house!”. So he (the cop) busted Robert on the spot. Robert evidently knew the former tenants of the house, but he did not have permission to enter the premises, therefore he was collared at the scene of the crime.

Advice tom Robert: Son, your in Florida for God’s sake! How hard can it be to find water in which to do your laundry? I bet you there’s even a little old lady that would gladly do your clothes for you, if you offered to say, mow her yard for her. Also, why don’t you just look up your friends that used to live in the house and do your laundry over there? Or, hell, just mug a homeless guy for a few dollars and find your local Laundro-Matic and wash your threads there. The possibilities are endless. But, nooooo, dipshit, you had to go and break the law just to have clean clothes! I guess what I am trying to say, Robert, is next time you need clean clothes so you can hang out and smoke crack underneath an overpass, do it legally!


Change of Seasons, No Change in Dumbasses

Autumn Brings Out the Dumbasses

Another week of 2011 has come and gone and the seasons have changed. Summer has turned into fall. The leaves on the trees have turned from green to gold and seemingly ordinary people have changed from “normal” to dumbass. Such is life.

With that we take a look back at the past seven days at some of the dumbassery that infects the world around us.

You can rest assured that more dumbassery lay ahead, as there are a seemingly endless supply of dumbass that breathe our collective air. I shall expose them for exactly what they are…


Dirty Harry Sex Game!

Dirty Harry Sex Toy

Guess what? I am sick again. A replay, if you will. Speaking of replays, (<—- clever blogger segue) Here’s a post from way back at the first of the year that I think you’ll find “interesting”. 

 The story you are about to read is both dumbass and tragic. It provides a valuable, although horrific, lesson that even being a dumbass has its limits before you cross over into negligence and criminality. Sadly, the dumbass in our story today learned a lesson he’d rather not have been taught, I hope. Here’s what I mean by “I hope”:

A 23 year old man and his wife, 50, were having sex when the woman was killed by a single gunshot wound to the head. WTF? you are asking. I’ve heard of people dieing of heart attacks during sex, but a fatal gunshot during the act? Not so much.

The 23 year old man told police that he and his wife often played a little game during sex in which he would put a handgun to her head while they did the deed. They were engaged in sex when he grabbed a gun off the nightstand not realizing that it was loaded and he put it to her head like he said he always did, when the gun accidently discharged, killing the woman. What a fucking dumbass. I won’t go into gun safety here, because I would just be preaching to the choir. On top of that, the dumbass guy owned several other weapons and should have damn sure known better. Instead, a woman lays dead in cold storage in an Oklahoma morgue.

Not surprisingly, the cops believed this dumbass’ story like I believe in the Tooth Fairy. He’s being held on charges of first degree murder, soon to be in his own private little domicile on Death Row in an Oklahoma State Penitentiary, assuming of course that he found guilty by a jury of his peers, many of whom will be responsible gun owners who look down on such reckless behavior while in possession of a firearm.

Even if this dumbass gets life in prison, he’ll almost certainly become a prison bitch to Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams. And Leon hates people who are such dumbasses with a weapon, but Leon loves to show his new bitches his “howitzer”. Enjoy it, dumbass. I know Leon will.