Monthly Archives: November 2011

Drunk Dumbass Redneck Gives All Drunk Rednecks a Bad Name

Redneck Roman Candle

What is a Redneck? A Redneck is a hard-working harder livin’, God-fearing, take no shit and will kill a sonuvabitch that presents a clear and present danger to him or his family kind of a man. A Redneck is a man who will help his neighbor because it’s the right thing to do, not because some Yankee Liberal dickweed from the Gubmint forced him to do so.  Rednecks love music and often have a little band that plays places like the VFW on weekends. He loves Lynyrd Skynyrd, Hank Williams, Jr, Willie and Waylon and George Jones. Regardless of what some guy whose closest encounter with the South is bucket of chicken from the Colonel, not all Rednecks are stoopid. Or dumbasses. The great majority of us are pretty good people. That’s the short version of what a Redneck is. I am a Redneck. I am proud to be a Redneck and anybody that doesn’t like Rednecks can kiss my Redneck ass. Now we can get to today’s story. Provided of course that you didn’t kiss my ass and split the scene.  🙂

However, Some Rednecks ARE Stoopid 

There are dumbasses in every segment and ethnicity of the American people. I am sad to say it, but that includes Rednecks. But a Dumbass Redneck is a higher quality of Redneck than any segment of the other Dumbasses in our society. It’s in the Bible, I think. Look under St. Jim Bob, Ch1, Vs1. Rednecks like Mark Wach of Palm City, Florida are the kinds of Rednecks that give the rest of us a bad name. Why?

Why 

Mark was, as we Rednecks say, drunk. In his state of intoxication, Mark was having a nice, normal bit of Redneck Fun by blasting away with his firearms. Shooting a gun while drunk is against all that a normal Redneck believes in, therefore Mark is in serious danger of losing his Redneck Card and being forced to un-learn the Top Secret Redneck Handshake. If he can’t un-learn it, then we’ll just kill him. Anyway…Mark was firing off a few rounds on his property when he and his son got into an altercation. The son was all out of whack not simply because Mark was shooting his guns, the son was pissed because Mark was shooting the son’s lawn mower which was in the son’s yard. Where I’m from, we call this Wednesday. As usual, the cops showed up and spoiled the fun. Mark was quick to point out to the fuzz that “this is what Redneck people do.” This is true. But 99% of the time, we did stuff like this before we got bombed. After we got lit up real good, we would move on to much safer Redneck activities. Stuff like playing horse shoes. With the horse shoes still on the horse! Those were mighty good times. Except for the horses.

Why, Mark? 

I do not endorse or condone using a firearm while drunk. That is completely unacceptable at any time. Aside from that minor detail, Mark and his son, I think his name is Bobby Bob, were doing nothing more than having a good old Redneck Hootnanny. However, Mark did some stoopid shit and it gives all Rednecks a bad name.

Here’s some brother to brother, man to man, Redneck to Redneck advice: next time you want to get to’ down, put the weapons away! Play horse shoes. But make sure the horse is cool with it first. Trust me on this one.

Dumbass.

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No Matter How You Slice It, This Chick is a Dumbass

Try Our New Felony Loaf!

Over the past fourteen plus months, I have written about some real dumbass stuff on these very pages. And when I say dumbass, I mean stories about people with the I.Q. of a spitwad. These spitwads include the guy who was stranded on an island for five days just offshore in California before even trying to use his cell phone! This has been one of the most popular posts since I started the blog. This fact leads me to believe that many of you have been through a similar experience only you didn’t use you cell phone to call for help, you sent smoke signals…..from a joint. Sheesh.Then there was the one about the guy who was “short-changed” by a hooker, so he sued her! What of value he get from a hooker? Stilletos? STDs? What the hell ever, let’s move on.

Our little adventure into Dumbass World today takes us again to the Sunshine State of Florida, where a dumbass broad goes ape shit over toast.

Gettin’ Toasted

Maria Acevedo, our Dumbass of the Day, came home one afternoon to find her sixteen year old sister using her (Maria’s) bread to GASP! toast! I swear, young people today, what won’t they do? Maria took exception to this event and scolded her younger sibling with great vigor and excitement. And by “scolding with great vigor and excitement” I mean Maria beat the dawg shit out if her sister. See? Maria was very excited. Here’ where the “great vigor” part comes into play. Maria vigorously pounded the sister with a six inch metal frying pan about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of her body. And as if that wasn’t vigorous enough, Maria also pulled her sister’s hair and smashed her skull against the floor. And all this “vigor” took place after the sister apologized! Arrest and incarceration ensued.

What I Think 

Maria, Maria, Maria. Just what are we gonna do with you, young lady? There are several issues concerning this incident that I’d like to address. 1) It’s not a very smart thing to do to beat the snot out of a minor, especially when you are of the majority age. Can you say “felony”? 2) My “assaulting a minor” to Maria is: NEVER and I mean NEVER use a frying pan to try and crack a young person’s skull. This, too, is known as a felony. 3) One last thing, Maria…sell some of that crack you’ve been smoking and soon you’ll have enough cash flow to buy a whole damn bread truck.

You’re welcome.

Dumbass.

Jesus Is Stolen from California Yard!

As we enter the Christmas Season here at Dumbass News, we try to focus on positive things about the world around us. And by positive I mean stoopid. But no matter how hard we try, there’s always some dumbass out there to ruin things for us – even during the Holidays. Let me splain.

Begging to be Vandalized

The Splainin’

I have never been much of one to go dumbass crazy on Christmas decorations. I have nothing against those who can and do, it’s just not my cup of tea. I guess I should clarify here what “dumbass crazy” is. I did a series of posts on my now closed down blog, Three States Plus One, about some serious Christmas light displays. And when I say serious, I mean dumbass crazy serious. Take a look at the displays here and here and you’ll see what I mean by “dumbass crazy”. Our family of dumbasses today doesn’t go quite that far in their exuberance for Christmas, but they do toe the line of dumbass crazy.

Somebody Steals Jesus (and will go to Hell for it) 

The Rudd family of Moreno Valley, California woke up one morning to find out that the Christmas decorations in their front yard were AWOL. For you dumbasses in New Jersey that means that they were ripped off. Anyway, the missing decorations were stolen while the Rudds slept with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads just a few feet away inside their home. <—-A little “Night Before Christmas” lingo there. Decorations are stolen every year from yards all over the country, I am sad to say, but there was one thing about this particular set of decorations that caught my eye. The $1600 price tag! Needles to say, the Rudds were heartbroken and all that sappy shit. I would be more than sad, I’d be in a homicidal rage at this point. “They brought tears to my eyes because we put a lot of work and a lot of heart into it,” Sandra Rudd said. Now isn’t that pitiful? Bullshit! Listen up, Lady, you are about to learn something.

Learning a Lesson 

Sandy Baby, I’ll try to be gentle in my chastisement of you and your husband. You people are fucking dumbasses! You might as well have gone ahead and bought a flashing neon sign for your front yard that said “We are Dumbasses, Steal Our Decorations!” You see, Sandy, when someone puts up an extravagant Christmas light/Jesus display in their front yard for all to see, some of those who see it will be thieves!  And there’s one thing about thieves you should know, Sandy. They don’t give a shit whose stuff they steal! Even if it means stealing Jesus. Hell, thieves even steal from each other! Do you see where I am going with this, Sandy? I know, dearest Sandy, that you wanted your kid to have a big time Christmas like you never had as a little girl, but allow me let you in on one more thing before I go. Security. Security is mandatory when one has such a valuable display in her front yard. Security cameras? They’re OK, but I have a couple of sure-fire ways to deter bad guys from committing felonies in your yard. One is a 12 gauge shotgun. It’s very difficult for bad guys to escape Justice when they have a skull full of double aught buckshot. That’s my personal choice because dead bad guys commit no more crimes. And as an added bonus, they don’t make any little future felons either! A two-fer!  The other solution doesn’t involve firearms, which is sad, but it is still very effective and cost conscience. Make a sign that says “This Property Protected By Pit Bull With AIDS…and He Hasn’t Eaten In 5 Days”.

There ya go, Sandy,. That’s my advice to you, so take it or leave it. It’s up to you. One more thing, Sandy. I have a “Jesus” Christmas yard ornament for sale and I heard you need one.

Dumbass.





Nekkid Mail Guy is a First Class Dumbass

Neither rain, snow, sleet or frozen Gazebos…

Today we are gonna take a look through the Dumbass Time Tunnel and resurrect a post I wrote about this time last year. It involves a sad lady, a mail man and nekkididity. I’m sure you’ll like it. 

Have you done something on a dare? Probably so, because we all have at one time or another. I would go so far as to say that the dares we followed through on were silly things that were basically harmless. But! some people are just too much of a dumbass to stay on the harmless side of things. Take for instance, a postman in Whitefish, Wisconsin. This guy is a dumbass. Let me splain.

The dumbass postman in our story today was very concerned about a lady who worked at one of the places he delivered mail to. The lady was down in the dumps about something and the dumbass mail guy wanted to cheer her up. And what a better way to cheer up a forlorn young lady than to deliver her company’s mail in the nude! The mail guy offered to do so, as a public service of course, and the sad young lady replied, “I double dawg dare ya, you putz.”  So, a short time later, the postman showed up nekkid as a jay bird, with his “male bag of goodies” (pun intended) and his “candy cane” full of holiday wishes, if you know what I mean and I think you do. After being arrested, the cops asked him why he did such a dumbass thing, the mail guy said that he wanted to make the sad lady smile. I hear that everyone who worked with the formerly sad lady had a large laugh at such a small package. The boys back at the Post Office, however, failed to see things the dumbass’s way, so he was fired from his job. Oh, the lady that was sad at one time said she did nothing to encourage such dumbass behavior from the mail guy. She was looking for something in Parcel Post and all she got was General Delivery.

I feel kinda bad for this particular dumbass losing his job and all just before Christmas. This whole sordid affair does have a happy ending though. The mail guy was never put on trial. The prosecutor said that there was insufficient evidence to stand up in court.

Dumbass.

Longhorns, Aggies, Cursing Dolls & Dumbass of the Year Nominees

Adios Aggies

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone and we are steamrolling our way like Michael Moore after a triple decker bacon cheeseburger towards one of the Holiest days on the Christian calendar. I am speaking, of course, of New Years Eve! Yes, fellow Dumbasses, New Years Eve, a day when even the most devout among us partake of the Devil’s Water and perform stunts that they would condemn to hell anybody else who reveled in such a demonic way. Yes, this same self-righteous bastard who would wish you an eternity of wailing and the gnashing of teeth, will be running around on New Years Eve with a lamp shade on his head, his gazebos exposed in all their glory to reveal a temporary tattoo that reads “2012”.Let’s just hope for the dumbass’ sake that nobody tries to “pull the string” to see if “2012” lights up. I’m fairly certain that the idiot would light up like the National Christmas Tree if “the string were pulled”. I’m just sayin’.

What I am Thankful For

I am thankful you, fellow Dumbasses, each and every one of you from 120 countries around the globe. From Afghanistan to Zimbabwe and all countries and letters of the alphabet in between, I love you all. Even the Aggies. Side note for Aggies: 27-25. Have fun getting your asses handed to you in the SEC next year. It was fun for 118 years. Tradition-killing assholes. And I say that with love in my heart. Hook ’em Horns!

We now return you to your normal Dumbass Programming…I never knew that there that many dumbasses in that many countries. Now if I could get a few of you dumbasses in each of those 120 countries to support me in my effort to bring you the finest Dumbass News & Commentary to be found on the web. By support, I don’t mean moral support, I mean hit the damn “Donate” button on the top right of the sidebar. I’m not asking for $100 a month from you. $5 a month from a lot of you would “encourage” me enough to continue writing this shit despite what PETA and Moose Limbs think. Remember, I am your Standard Bearer, your Fearless Leader, the only guy you know who’s stoopid enough to write this drivel on a daily basis and I am the Head Dumbass! Besides, I need a new laptop. The one I am using now was ruined when I spilled Spam Soup all over the keyboard and into the guts of the machine. It ain’t a purty sight.

One More Quick Thing –  Don’t forget soon we’ll be naming our 2nd Annual Dumbass of tthe Year before you know it, so go through the blog archives and pick out your nominee. Email nominations to realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com or leave them in the comments. There are dozens of worthy candidates for this prestigious honor, so choose carefully, grass-hoppah.

  • The Cursing Doll. A Dumbass Christmas gift if there ever was one. Read about the little bimbo right here.
  • Do your neighbors complain that your big ass flat panel TV and home theater system are disturbing them at all hours? Show the whiny bastards this story , then tell them to shut the fuck up and be grateful that they don’t live near that monstrosity.
  • There are few people more rude and sneering, knowing they have your life in their hands, than state DMV workers. Ohio DMV  employees are the cream of the crop, or as we in Dumbassville say, the green turd in the punch bowl. 

Get those Dumbass of the Year nominations in soon and enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend. And hit the damn “Donate” button!

Dumbasses.

A Dumbass Thanksgiving

                                HAPPY THANKSGIVING,  
                              DUMBASSES!    

Eat Moar Chikkin

            

Ohio DMV: Prudes and Dumbasses

Unbridled Hatred

I love college football. In one way it’s too bad that the season is winding down. On the other hand, it’s time for some of the greatest rivalries in the game. This week alone we have Texas vs Texas A&M (Hook ’em Horns!), the Georgia Bulldogs play the Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech and The Big House in Ann Arbor, Michigan will be the site of one of college football’s greatest and most fierce rivalries as The Ohio State University visits the Wolverines of Michigan. I lived in Ohio for a while and let me tell you first hand how much OSU and its fans hate UM. Besides the normal fuck Michigan and Michigan sucks stuff, Buckeye fans take their animosity a little bit further. Taking it further meaning all the way their vanity license plates. Ohioans pay damn good money for those plates then the Department of Dumbasses at the Ohio Department of Motor Vee-hickles pull the rug right out from under them (the citizens) by declining their request for certain phrases on vanity plates.

Banned

The pussies at the Ohio DMV have denied requests for some stoopid phrases on vanity plates The to me seem relatively harmless. For example, one banned plate was simply “FMICHIGN”. What the is the problem with that? Not a damn thing. Another doomed plate: “HATEMI”. There other examples of this bullshit but I’ll spare you the details since these two are among “the worst” requests. C’mon, Ohio DMV, man up you bitches! Grow a pair! “KILBLU”! <—That’s on the no-no list too.I understand the need to keep the need to keep things family friendly, but holy shot, people. I can think of several slogans for vanity plates that would be inappropriate for public display. How about “FUKDBLU” or ‘MICH812″. Another good one would be “DMVRDUMASSES”. It’s a little long for a typical license plate, but maybe they could write it really small so it would fit. Where is the Freedom of Speech when you need it??!! I mean, if a guy from Ohio can’t say (on a vanity plate) that “MICHEATSSWAMPDONKEYBALLS”, what has this country come to? I am appalled! And disappointed. I’d look forward to seeing some visitors from Ohio here in Maine with a cool slogan on it supporting Ohio State. I can see it now…“CHRLEDRSATUMDONTEATTHEYGRAZE”. It’s all good clean fun that is an honored tradition in such athletic competition. But all the generations of carrying on with the spirit of thinking the other team is stomped out, nay, “SLOTRD” by a bunch of  “FUKRS” at the Ohio DMV. Old bastards who wouldn’t know fun if it gave them a lap dance.

“OHIODMVSUXPIGSHITTHRUASTRAW”.

Dumbasses.