Monthly Archives: December 2011

Best Performance by a Stoned Dumbass; The Dummy Goes To…

Makes You Hungry Just Lookin’ at It

What would such a splendor of an Award Ceremony such as The Dummies be without a category that features dumbasses and pot? Nothing, I say! Fraudulent! fake! Cheap! Well, OK, I’ll give you “cheap”, maybe even “fraudulent” on the right day, but still nothing!

Several posts about dumbasses and the herb superb have made it past the High Sheriffs at in the past year and have gone on to be some of the most-read entries of All Time. Therefore, I find it only fitting that we include a “dumbass and pot” selection to this year’s Dummies. 

Aaaaaaand the nominees for Best Performance By a Stoned Dumbass are…

A Guy Named Gus, His Ducks and Pot The popularity of this post took me by surprise. But then again, it’s about a French guy whose name ain’t really Gus, but some pussy French name like Claude or Michele, who raises ducks and feeds them le weed as the French say. Without giving away the whole story, the pussified Fwench (not a typo) policie (another pussy fwench word) respond to a shit load of pot Gus has been feeding his ducks by saying, “We have nev-ere seen sooch a ting before”. Les dipshits.

Homeless Dumbass, His Condo Truck and a Stoned Car Thief How is it that homeless guys, God bless ’em, are always in the middle of some stoopid shit? Even the nice, “upper crust” homeless guys like the victim in this story. Oh, yeah, the bad guy in this episode is in possession of (you guessed it!) marijuana!

How to Lose $425 Large Worth of Pot in One Easy Lesson – This one of the stoopidest things I have ever heard of. And that’s saying a lot. Long story short; dumbasses with 425 large worth of pot get carjacked. call cops. Dumbassery and possible homicide ensue.

The stoned morons in this category are such dumb fucks that they warrant an extra nomination for a Dummy in this category. 

Truck Full of Pot Wrecks; Weed Stolen by Passersby! Yup. It happened. In California. Go figger.

Wrangling up a “winner” from this group was a very touch chore. But, I did it. And the “winner” of The Dummy is……

Gus and his stoned ducks! If it tweaks the Fwench, I am all for it.

Dumbass pussies.


Dummy Awards Update!

Our Hero

We will be posting the Dummy Award Wineers for 2011 throughout the day today, so check back regularly so you won’t miss the latest!

Head Dumbass

The 2011 Dummies! Dead People Division

The New Marital Aid?

Welcome back to the 2011 Dummy Awards, Dumbasses! Moving on to our next Dummy presentation…This Dummy will be going to the Best Performance by a Dumbass, Dead People Division. We had a great year for dead people and dumbasses (unless you were the dead person) in 2011. This category spanned the Dead People spectrum from gubmint fuck ups with dead people to banks and dead people to well, you just name it…2011 was memorable for dead folks all the way around.

The nominees for Best Performance by a Dumbass, Dead People Division are…

The Gubmint and Dead People – This is one of my personal favorites. I always enjoy a good story about what a bunch of dumbasses we have working for our Federal Gubmint. And this tory gives me hope that in the future our grand children will have just as a quality, if not better, of Dumbass working for them a hundred years from now.

Dumbass Shoots, Kills Wife During Sex I love a good, kinky romance story as much as the next dumbass, but some things are better left undone. I’m just sayin’.

SSA says Lady is Alive. She Says Nothing. She’s DEAD! More gubmint incompetency as the Sociah Curity Guys try to write a benefit check to a dead woman!

This category of the Dummies was a tough nut to crack. there were several excellent stories to choose form so I can’t go wrong no matter what, but I liked these three the best. 

And the winner of the Dummy is….

Dumbass Shoots, Kills Wife During Sex! As weird as it may seem. people die during love making every day. usually it’s some medical condition like a heart attack or aneurism that are the cause of the Big Adios. But our man with the gun here exceeded and excelled in the practice of people keelin’ over while humping. I’ll never see a Dirty Harry movie love scene in the same light again.

The 2011 Dummies! Best performance by a Dumbass, Boobs Division

And the Winner is….

Welcome to the 1st Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial You Big Dummy Awards! Today we will present to you the nominees and winners of the coveted Dummy Awards for outstanding performances by Dumbasses from around the world in various categories of  Dumbassery as  only a true Dumbass can do it. The results of the balloting for the 2011 Dummies have been hermetically sealed in a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 in a dumpster on Skid Row in Los Angeles since the day before yesterday. All results are final and irrevocable as tabulated by three homeless guys in South Dallas after a week-long bender on stale Schlitz Beer.

Now, on to the Dummies!

Category: Best Performance by a Dumbass, Boobs Division

The nominees are:

The Blonde on TruTV Blonde gets arrested for DUI in Vegas, goes to jail, shows knockers to all people within eye sight. She then files suit saying she was too drunk to sign a release for her and her tits to be shown on TV…a year and a half later! 

Mom Gives Voucher for Boob Job to 7 Year Old Daughter Mom, who has spent $800,000 on her own “cosmetic” surgeries says she wants the kid to have fake boobs because that’s what the kid wants. Fucking brilliant.

81 Year Old Fake Doctor Gives Door to Door Breast Exams Need I explain?

And the winner of the Dummy is……..the 81 Year old Fake Doctor Giving Door to Door Breast Exams! This one was easy. While the drunk lady in the Vegas lock up and the idiot Mom giving the gift of fake boobs to her 7 year old are worthy of nomination, any 81 year old guy who can go door to door and convince women to let him feel their boobs is The Man of the Century as far as I am concerned. Congratulations you dirty old bastard and I hope you stay a dirty old bastard until you are a dead old bastard. Well done, Sir. Well done indeed.

You Big Dummy!

Adios Dumbasses of 2011, Hello New Dumbasses of 2012!

New Year, New Dumbasses

2011. It came in like a knot head and is going out like a full-fledged Dumbass. I thought when I started writing this blog that it would be a cool “hobby” to have for a while. And maybe make some money. It certainly was a cool “hobby” to have, but the making money part? Not so much. See: Button, “Donate”. Right sidebar. Anyway, I figgered I’d do this Dumbass thang for a while and come up with something else equally as stoopid to do at some later date. After all, 99.99% of all new blogs on the intertubes go the way of Monica Lewinsky. One little blowjob and then you’re kicked to the curb. Without a blue dress. Little did I realize back in September, 2010 that Dumbass News would become more than an internet BJ, but a daily source of dumbassery for people from all over the world! From one hundred twenty-one (121) countries around the world! It was natural that since I was at the time also publishing Three States Plus One, that some of my readers on 3 States would click over to the new blog called Dumbass News. And boy did they click over! Both of them! And one of those was my mother. Simply put, I wasn’t overwhelmed by the migrating hordes of internet users. Hell, I wasn’t even “whelmed”.

Well, my little “hobby” is almost a year and a half old now. I have no idea how we’ve lasted this long when so many of our blogging bretheren and sisteren have gone on to that Big Deleted Blog Folder in the Sky. I know that my literary skills are unmatched by mortal men since the Great Joe Bob Briggs, Drive-In Movie Critic extraordinaire. I bow before Joe Bob. My wit and insight are that of Richard Pryor and Super Dave Osborne. Brash, but brave. Profane, yet professional. Some bull, all shit. In spite of the amazing qualities and abilities that I possess and the throngs of Dumbass Women all over the world emailing me photos of their nose hairs, my humility remains as resolute and steadfast as ever. This worldwide fame has not, in the smallest way, affected my everyday life. It’s a burden I am obligated to bear.

But, Seriously, Folks…

As I prepare a post revealing the winners of The Dummies in various categories of Dumbassery, I am, in all honesty and with great humility thankful for the time you take from your busy ass day doing things like screaming at the kids or cussing the stoopid bitch on Days of Our Lives for being the only soul in the city that doesn’t know what everybody else in Salem already knows about E.J. Di Mera to fuckin’ off at work to educate yourself in the ways of Human Nature and Dumbassery, to read what I have to say. Each time one of you clicks over to Dumbass News, you prove a point that I make every day on these very pixels. The world is filled to the brim with…


Happy New Year. 
Head Dumbass

Final Dumbass of the Year Candidate – Assault With Deer Antlers!

Remember these?

I have, as my late Dad used to say, been around the coffee cup huntin’ the handle. In other words, I have been there and done that. But I have never, and I mean never heard of such a thing as “assault with deer antlers”. Now I have. thanks to this blog. Who says that dumbassery can’t be an educational tool? Obviously some one who is just a mere “dipshit” and not a Certified Dumbass like me. Ha!

This where our final nominee for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award comes in. let me stress to you that I did not make this story up. I ain’t that smart. Or that dumb. Whichever. 

Deer Dumbass 

There is no way I could explain this tale of love and antlers that would be any better than when I wrote about it a couple of weeks ago.  

Am I ever glad that that one made it to press just before the cutoff date for this year’s Dummy Awards. having done so, it is out final nominee for the Dumbass of the Year Award for 2011, and what a year in Dumbassville it has been for your Mayor here.  But, wait there’s more!


I will announce to the world the winner of the Dumbass of the Year Award on Tuesday, January 3, 2012. However! Tomorrow, New Year’s Eve, I will be bringing to you the winners in the various categories of the DOY Awards! You won’t want to miss that! After reading the results of my tabulations, you’ll want to get a major head start on your drinking for the last night of 2011! What fun!

Be sure to set your alarms so you’ll be the first in your neighborhood to say, “Bring me a beer, Woman!” Fucking drunk. And…


Another "Dummy" Nominee! 5 Day Cell Phone Guy!

Not for Dumbasses

This time of year always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. That’s because I eat a lot of Meskin food during the Holiday Season. Do you realize what a ton of jalapenos and onions will do to your intestinal tract? Two words: Ass. Explosions. ‘Nuff said. 

On the real side, I really do enjoy the latter part of December. Not because of the Christmas thing and all that, but because it’s the time of year that we at Dumbass News get to look back over the 300+ posts from 2011 and determine who wins the most sought after  prize in the History of the Internet ©. The “Dummy”! 

Yes, friends, I have so much time on my hands that I can actually look through over 300 posts from this year and pick out a handful that are “Dummy”-worthy. Is that sad or what? Now, if each of you were to hit the ole “Donate” button in the right sidebar with a five spot once a month, my lifestyle would improve so I could get off my ass and waste a shitload of money at the strip club take my wife and kids out to eat once in a while. Regardless, I shall sally forth in the great name and cause of dumbassery, exposing the truly demented things that Dumbasses from every nook and cranny of this planet do on a daily basis. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it. 

Gilligan’s Island Dumbass  

I have posted this one story numerous times throughout the year and it has been a hit every. single. time. It’s that good. It’s about a guy who took a quick trip to an island just off the California coast just to get away from it all. Like millions of other people, the guy took his cell phone along for the ride. Then he got stranded and a major case of the Dumbass set in. Here’s the story in its entirety.

See what I mean? When the Dumbass hits, it knows no limits to the idiocy it heaps on its innocent, but fucking stoopid, victims.

Our Third Nominee  

Any human being with an ounce of brain power that can do something that damn dumb is a perfect candidate for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Award. Hence, this dumbass is our third nominee for this most-cherished of prizes. Let’s just hope the guy doesn’t get lost on the way to the award ceremonies. He might have to call in using his iPhone. And we don’t have five days to wait on this sorry nitwit.

Not for Dumbasses either.