Monthly Archives: January 2012

Couple Attempts to Set Car Ablaze! With a Flaming Tampon!

The Tool of a Would-be Arsonist

From the “Just When You Think Things Couldn’t Get Weirder But They Do Department”. 

There has been some really strange stuff posted on Dumbass News over the life of the blog, and just when you think it’ll be a while before you see anything more stoopid than what’s already been posted, a dumbass from somewhere in the world will do something that leaves you in disbelief. 

Think about it. Just yesterday I wrote a story about a Los Angeles cop who appeared in a porn movie. While on duty and in uniform! At the time I thought “This is gonna be tough to top. I may be waiting for months before a story this good comes along again.” I was wrong. It took a whole day for it to happen. A whole stinkin’ twenty four hours!

Add to the cop in the XXX movie stories about a guy who doo doo dives in port-o-potties, a drunk female dumbass who attacked a cop with a sex toy and a mailman who wanted to cheer a young lady up by delivering her mail while neekid and you barely scratch the surface of the dumbassery that has appeared on these pixels.

Dumbass of the Year for 2012 Leader in the Clubhouse

As a former Professional Drinker, I can tell you with great certainty that booze can make people do some stoopid shit. I have done some of it myself and I have witnessed enough drunken dumbassery to write a dozen books. You gotta trust me on this one. 🙂

Case in point: two young dumbasses in Pennsylvania got into some sort of bullshit with a friend of theirs on Facebook. Upon determining that the girl in this pair had been wronged in some way by the Facebook Guy, our Dynamic Duo of Dumbasses decided that some sort of retribution for this perceived offense was in order for Facebook Guy. So they went looking for him. And found him. At a bar. What could possibly go wrong? Weeeeelllll, let me tell you…

After imbibing several adult beverages each, Patricia and Quentin (the 2 dumbasses) came up with a dandy plan to exact their revenge on Facebook Guy. They decided to vandalize his car. Nothing new there. This kind of thing happens all the time. But! It’s not the fact that Pat and Quentin wanted to trash Facebook Guy’s car, it’s how they went about doing it that shoots this story straight into the Dumbass Stratosphere. 

After busting out all the windows, the couple then managed to get the hood on FB Guy’s ride opened and began ripping out wires and cables and all kinds of other car parts necessary to the proper operation of an internal combustion engine. At this point the car is of course disabled and thoroughly beat to shit. It is at this juncture that P & Q figured that the car (and Facebook Guy) had not suffered enough. Enter one of the best displays of dumbassery in the history of mankind. Patricia, being a young woman and all, somehow came up with a tampon. And what better way for a drunk, mentally unstable young woman bent on revenge to use a tampon than to set it aflame and try to stuff it down the oil spout on the motor of Facebook Guy’s car hoping to blow it to Kingdom Come! This sheer Dumbass Genius! Except for one thing.

The One Thing

Now, this is where alcohol comes into play. While firing up the tampon to use as a way to set the car on fire was a brilliant idea, putting it down the oil spout wasn’t such a bright thing to do. In my humble opinion as a guy who has started many fires in unorthodox ways, I believe our two dumbasses would have been far more successful had they 1) been sober and 2) inserted the flaming tampon into the gas tank. Sure oil will ignite when exposed to a flame, but it’s nowhere near as combustible as a tank full of 92 octane gasoline. Why do you think there’s a law against smoking while fueling up your car? That’s right. One tiny spark could very easily lead to one big BOOM!

Despite overlooking the difference in the volatility of motor oil versus gasoline, I commend these two mental midgets on a job almost well done. Well done just like they would have been had they not been too inebriated to do the job right! Drunk, stoopid and BBQ’ed is no way to go through life, you two. Still, I am awestruck at the virtuosity of the “Old Flaming Tampon to Blow Up Facebook Guy’s Automobile Trick.” Pure Mozart, I tell you. A masterpiece of unbridled dumbassery.

Flaming Tampons. Sounds like a punk rock band, doesn’t it?

Dumbasses.

L A Fuzz Appear in X-Rated Movie! (While in {out of?} Uniform!)

Actual Police Porn; The Dangler Perhaps?

Right or wrong we, the general public, tend to hold folks who work in a public capacity to a higher standard when it comes to doing his/her job. This group includes everyone from the waitress at the local diner to the dumbasses we elect as our representatives to the Federal Gubmint. While this is not a bad thing, many times we forget how difficult it is to perform the duties of said occupation. Have you ever waited tables? I can tell you from personal experience that dealing with hungry people each day is, at best, a challenge. Special orders, substitutions, drink refills, being nice to not so nice customers and going to work when you feel like you’ve been run over by a Mack truck are just a few things that servers face every day they show up to work. Hell, it makes being a CongressDumbass look like a walk in the park. Seriously. But the pay and the bribes are far less lucrative. It’s a tough job.

Now take all that I just posted up there^^^^ and multiply it by a million. Then you have the job degree of difficulty for a Public Servant like a policeman. Being a cop is an often thankless line of work with not so many perks, except for a free cup of coffee now and then, and the occasional role in a porn flick. Whaaaaaaaaatttttt?????????

Show Me Your Nightstick, Officer

John Dancler was a cop in LA. Until he was fired. For appearing in a porn movie! In uniform! Wait a minute, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet. What could be worse than a cop in his official LA Fuzz garb in a porn video? A cop in his official LA Fuzz garb in a porn video while on duty, that’s what! Holy three way traffic stop, Batman! John is no longer one of LA’s Finest, by the way. I guess the Civil Service Honchos in Tinseltown have no sense of humor. Geeeezzz. Dumbasses.

John “The Dangler” Dancler was stunned, stunned I tell you (!), to learn of his dismissal for such a petty reason. Granted, the LAPD has rules and regulations to be followed, but aren’t those restricted to more serious matters like singling out an individual or group because of their race or something similar? Is there a clause in the “Things Not to Do” section of the LAPD Employees Manual that says an on duty officer can’t appear in a porn flick? These are questions that demand answers! At least that’s what ‘The Dangler’s” lawyer is saying.

Vampire Goes to Bat for The Dangler

Bobby Samini, the cop’s attorney, went before the Los Angeles Civil Service Commission to argue that his client’s firing was “unwarranted” and that The Dangler was a “convenient scapegoat” in the case. Lemme get this straight. LA cop is on duty. Check. “On duty” means the cop was in uniform, or out of uniform in this instance, right? Check. He abandoned his official obligations as a sworn Officer of the Law to show and presumably use his “automatic weapon” in an X-rated video, correct? Check. Well alrighty then! Nothing to see here. Move along, folks.

I understand that being a Police Officer is one of, if not the, toughest civilian jobs in the world. So it is equally understandable that such a high pressure work environment necessitates a little “stress relief” once in a while. The Dangler was doing just that when he was porking a few crack addict sluts up the poop chute in a little fuck flick, relieving stress.

Video This, Bitches!

It is my considered Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Opinion that John Dancler should not only be fired, but tried and if convicted, be sent to San Quentin, Twinkletoes Unit, where he’ll be indoctrinated into the role of “The Danglee” by some tutti fruiti fella  built like a WWE Rassler with a “baton” instead of a nightstick, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Screw this dumabass. After all he fucked over an entire city.

Denny’s is Hiring

John, my man, you betrayed your oath to the people you serve when you whipped it out for your little “stress relief” moment with some skanky HOs.  At that point you became a criminal. A criminal worse than the majority of assholes and creeps you were supposed to protect your community from. And you have the unmitigated gall to demand reinstatement to the position you so willfully deserted while on duty? 
 
I’ve got some news for you, pal. The second you even thought about pulling such a stunt, you, in theory at least, forfeited any and all recourse in getting your job back. I am fairly sure that there about six million Angelenos that agree with me.

One more thing, amigo. Tell your lawyer to get a copy of the movie you so graciously consented to do, while on duty of course, and shove it so far up his ass that the Roto Rooter Guy will have to dig it out with a plumber’s snake. John Baby, you’d wish it was a plumber’s snake going up your anal cavity if true Justice were applied in this circumstance. But it won’t be, so consider yourself lucky. Some of the people you busted are making license plates as I type this. Let’s just hope for your sake that they A) don’t hear about this deal or B) aren’t of a vengeful nature. What would Sgt. Joe Friday say? Fuck you and good luck, John. Those are the facts. Just the facts.

By the way, Dangler, I hear Denny’s is hiring.

Have a nice day.

Dumbass.

Second Chance Sunday! Dumbass Olympics & A Killer Chihuahua!

I first published this story in July of last year. It was my first post to have been written on Heather’s desktop computer. My laptop died at the hands of an evil, vicious, mean, rotten and nasty Force of Nature — Bailey the 4 Year Old! 

This post also gives me another shot at making fun of Cal-ee-forn-yah, which you all know will be the newest sport in the Dumbass Olympics this summer. There is one difference in the medals for the real Olympics and the Dumbass Olympics. Medals in the real Olympics are made of gold, silver and bronze. Dumbass Olympics medals will be made form old beer cans painted the appropriate color with WalMart spray paint. Yes, Dumbass, we are going all out for this year’s Dumbass Olympics. Spare no expense as Dumbasses of the world unite in the Spirit of Competition and Brotherhood!

Killer!

R.I.P. Laptop

(Dateline – Deep in the Bowels of Heather’s Keyboard) My 4 year old daughter Bailey has banished me to this foreign land. I am using my wife’s computer because Bailey loves Daddy so much she dumped a full bottle of water (16.9 oz) all over my laptop. R. I. P. Laptop. Enough said.

Speaking of chihuahuas (<—clever segue), in Altadena, California, two would-be robbers turned out to be two honest-to-goodness pussies when they tried to rob a local “smoke shop”. A “smoke shop” in California is the pseudonym for “Buy Your Bong Here” shop. The two dumbasses were thwarted in their attempted heist by a) a 12 gauge wielding store owner, b) an off duty policeman or c) a man-eating chihuahua. If you said a or b, you are a dumbass. These two pansies were scared off by a fucking dog the size of a large grapefruit! The stotre’s video surveillance system  shows the store owner begin to place money into a backpack worn by one of the robbers while his Chihuahua starts barking loudly and forcefully at the men. 

Investigators said the robbers were apparently spooked by the dog and fled the store with less money than they could have obtained from the store owner.
 

The video depicts the Chihuahua follow the men from the store and chase them down the street.” 
Really? A chihuahua? A fucking chihuahua? Will the last real man in The Land of Fruits and Nuts please stand up? Oh, wait, there are none. Forgive me for that slip of the fingers.

When I was a young man, I was not always within the parameters of the law nor decorum. I have been chased by mad husbands, the cops and angry men with guns, but I swear on my Grandma’s grave, not once was I EVER chased away from where I shouldn’t have been by a chihuahua! But then again, I not from California. 
Dumbasses.

My Dumbass Dliemma, The Fwench, Utah Dumbasses & 9-1-1 Dumbassery

I Have Been to the Mountain Top!

Fellow Dumbasses, I need you today like I’ve never needed you before. I guess that’s because I’ve never needed you before. Literary Brilliance Note: The first two sentences of this post were put there to “hook” you into reading further. That’s why it is called a “hook”. See? It worked.You’re still here, ain’t you? Just like a hungry catfish that can’t resist that big ass hunk of smelly, juicy chicken live on a 3/0 fishing hook, I have reeled you in. Damn, I’m good!

My Dilemma 


I am facing something that I suppose that every world famous, adualted, idolized two bit blogger like me encounters every once in a while. You see, when you’re at the top your blogging game a retired middle aged piss ant “wirier” like me, there will come a time when it’s almost impossible to live up stay in the cesspool of daily blogging. Sometimes the Blogging gods look down upon you with pity and bless you with a week’s worth of material that is divinely inspired – like last week. The problem is how in the name of all that is Holy do you follow up such sagacity without taking a dramatic plunge back into the depths of internet darkness? That’s the difficulty I confronted this week. How could I not crash and burn???!!!


On a Roll

I don’t know how it happened but it happened. Another Dumbass Week of outstanding dumbassery inj the shadow of the Dumbassery before it, and I pulled it off with aplomb, never once intimidated by the mission before me. It? “It” is following up last week’s masterpieces with equally hypnotic screeds thus preventing that “falling off a cliff” feeling that so often follows such classic works. When you are in the pits, the fall ain’t so bad, but when you are at the apex of blogging brilliance as I was last week, the long, frightening descent to oblivion gives one an emotion of desperation exceeded only by the thoughts of the sudden stop at the end of the seemingly never ending dive.

Dumbassery for the Ages

Alas, next week will present me with a whole new set of tribulations to conquer. The coming days can wait, however, as I bask in the warm glow of my achievements of yesterweek.

Speaking of yesterweek, I just happened to have saved for posterity the timeless musings of your Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde with your children and grand children in mind. Some day the little bastiges tykes will grow up and read the heartwarming prose of their ancestors. When that melancholy moment embraces them, a tear will well up in their eyes, memories of long ago suddenly rushing through their minds, an inaudible whisper will caress their lips as it flows to the ears of the Almighty (or one of his sidekicks)…..”Damn. Dad sure was a Dumbass.” <sniffle>

The Timelessness of Excellence

As type through the mistiness of tears blurring my vision, tearsinspired by the bullshit tenderness, as presented above,of what is yet to come, I impart to you the glue that holds us all together, that all encompassing power that is Dumbassery.

  • Learning from the Fwench – Two words I never thought I’d put in the same sentence. “Learn” and “Fwench”. Raise the Fwench National Flag! The solid white one. The end is nigh.Sacre bleu!
  • Utah and Moonbats – Two more words I would have bet my gazebos on that I would never put in the same sentence. “Moonbats” and “Utah”. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are mounting up for a ride.
  • 9-1-1: Hotline to an Ass Kickin’ – Hello, Police? Would you be so kind as to stop by my place? I need a good ass kickin’. And a few felonies.” The cops are quick to oblige requests like this one. 

I told you. Dumabssery that evokes emotion, thought and projectile puking. 

Adieu, You Cop Fightin’ Fwench Cougars and…

Dumbasses.

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A Hero Dumbass! Really. No Kiddin’.

What you are about to witness on Dumbass News is as about as common around these parts as Satan attending Christmas Mass at the Vatican. Sure we still have a Dumbass to “honor”, but today’s story is truly about honoring a Dumbass. Sit back and get ready for something that could affect your dumbassery forever. Or not. You’ll still get a kick out of it though.

Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2

George Murphy and his wife Dorothea Taylor are your typical really old people. Or so it would seem. George and Dorothea live in a two bedroom igloo in Willow, Alaska. OK, I made the igloo part up. However, like many senior citizens, the Murphys have a dog and he too is as old as dinosaur doo doo. Fellar, the pooch is twelve years old. That’s 84 to you and me. George and Dot have a routine of taking Fellar out for walks, thus assuring that he doesn’t do his business on the carpet in their igloo. I made up the igloo part again. But any story based on the nation’s largest state wouldn’t be complete without an igloo joke or two. And by the way, Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2 explicitly states that using an igloo joke more than twice in the same story is a felony against funnyhood punishable by having one’s gazebos placed into a vice to be tightened by Hulk Hogan. As you can see,  is Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2 provides for swift and severe punishment when breached. But I digress.

Let me see, where was I? Oh, yeah. The two old farts were walking their old fart dog. There were doing so near an Anchorage, AK airport when they were readying to head back to their igloo home when the, shall we say “unexpected” happened. Oh hell no! We shall say when a one in a gazillion thing happened.


Willow, AK – Unsafe for Octogenarians (and Old Dogs, Children & Watermelon Wine)


Dot was waiting in the truck for George when she just happened to catch something out of the corner of her eye. George was getting the shit kicked out of him! By a moose!!! A 2000 pound living breathing antler totin’ Alaskan moose! This was all it took for Dorothea to leap into action. She got out of the truck like someone stuck a rocket up her ass. This old woman, somebody’s grandmother mind you, grabbed a shovel from the bed of the truck and hobbled as fast as she could to rescue her beloved George. So what does Dot do when she gets to the scene of the moose attack? She smacks the moose on the ass with the shovel! At this point, the startled moose said to himself, “Moose, this old battleaxe is serious! I’d rather fight Chuck Norris antler to hand than take on this crazy broad.” Have I mentioned yet that Dorothea is 85 years old? And 5 foot nothin’ and 97 pounds? 

A Dumbass’ Dumbass

Here’s what George and Dorothea had to say about the whole thing:

“Jeez, that was a pretty hard thing for anyone to do, to walk up on a moose like that. Heck, all she had was a shovel,” Murphy said of his wife.

“Well, we’ve helped each other out of problems before. This just happened to be the latest,” Taylor said.

I did say earlier that this was an unusual story, didn’t I?

Just ask the moose with the shovel prints on his ass.

Dorothea, you are my hero. And a…..

Dumbass. And I say that with all due respect and a great deal of love.

Dumbass Calls 9-1-1, Threatens to Kick Cops Asses

Is that you, John R.?

There are some places and some people on the Big Blue Marble that are worthy of non-stop contempt and mockery. Other than the sons of motherless goats in the Middle East (I’m looking at you, Iran!), there are some other people and places that give me great pleasure in calling a bunch of pussies and twinkletoes. I am, of course, referring to Fwance and San Fransissy. It’s nothing intentional, but dumbass stories about the two keep pouring into my news readers and email at a rate faster than water barreling over Niagra Falls. Fwance and San Fran are the gifts that keep on giving. Kinda like having Christmas every day of the year. As long as they keep on supplying the gift wrapped dumbassery, I’ll keep on rippin’ them to shreds and looking for the goodies in the box.

Florida Gets a Dumbass Pass

I would include Florida on the list of The Mocked & Derided, but the Sunshine State is somewhat handicapped when it comes to this “competitive dumbassery”. The deal with Florida has to do with its diversity. First of all, you’ve the Native Floridians.Plus, the F L A is loaded to the gills with immigrants trying to assimilate into the American way of life (legally) and even I wouldn’t come down on them with the full Wrath of the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. The kicker in this equation is the number of “transplants”, or as Real Florida-ites call them, “Fucking Yankees”, that have invaded the Florida Peninsula.  Therefore, even though I write about an abundance of dumbass F L A – ridians doing dumbass stuff, so many of them are Yankees that it skews the Dumbass Sample Size. I’m just sayin’.

Comin’ Up on the Outside Is…

Illinois! Chi-town and its ‘burbs to be precise. Not only has The Second City produced high powered Dumbasses like former Guv Rod Blogojavich, our current Dumbass in Chief and the Daley Regime, Chicago also turns out a healthy number of “regular” dumbasses. In other words, just plain old dumbasses.

Now The Windy City can lay claim to a dumbass who ranks a notch above “regular” dumbass and a notch below the more prominent purveyors of Dumbassery. If our Dumbass of the Day keeps up the good work....Oh, wait! He can’t ! Why? Because the Dumbass is is the Cook County Crossbar Hilton with $100,000 credit limit bond to help make sure that he enjoys a long vacation courtesy of the fine citizens of Chicagoland.

Today’s Dumbass, John R. Pacella, has earned his stay in the Cook County Slammer by going above and beyond the call of Dumbassery. This guy has gazebos the size of Dallas and a love of likker like a Skid Row Hobo, a very dangerous combination if not kept properly in check. Who am I kiddin’? John R. is a comode huggin’ drunk with about as much sense as a goat humping Ham Hater named Hussein.

You see, good ole John R. got all tanked up on some cheap ass malt likker named BlogObama Brew and began to feel angry. And brave. And fubared. That kind of Canned Courage can lead only to one thing…9-1-1! Yes, fellow Dumbasses, John R. got gassed and immediately picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-1. Was he seeking help for his drinking problem? Nope. Did he injure one of his Big D Sized Gazebos? Negatory.

John R. dialed 9-1-1 at 4AM not needing emergency assistance, but he did tell the 9-1-1 lady that he wanted her to send the cops to his house because he wanted to kick their asses. After recovering her breath from a long bit of hardy laughter, 9-1-1 lady says to John R., “Sure thing, Sir! I’ll send them right over”. So the fuzz made the scene at John R.’s crib and out comes John R. strutting like a banty rooster who just missed being supper. The Peace Officers on the call tried to have a nice friendly talk with the dumbass, and he politely accepted their most gracious offer with a pleasant greeting, “I say, Constable, shall we have a spot of tea and discuss this matter like gentlemen?” Then John R. was heard to yell at the cops something that sounded like “Chuck’s shoe” or “cork screw” and then he shoved a Police Officer. The heat took exception to such a breach of civility and body slammed John R. onto the sidewalk, beat the shit out of him with their night sticks and said in a very surly voice, “Neener, neener, neener!” Everything after “he shoved a Police Officer”, I made that up.

But Wait There’s More!

Did I mention that John R. Pacella of the Chicago area is a registered sex offender? He is. I would go so far as to say that being a registered pervert didn’t help John R. curry any favor with the local constabulary or the judge who set his bail. Throw in the fact that the guy assaulted a cop and resisted arrest, and our man John R. Pacella of Willowbrook, Illinois, convicted sex offender can anticipate a very long and profitable career as a Bona Fide Prison Bitch. It would be a crying shame if the other inmates in John R.’s “home to be” found out that Johnny Boy is a rapist or child molester or whatever, wouldn’t it? They just might try to injure brother John R. Don’t injure the poor man you bastards! Cut off his fucking gazebos!!! One. By. One. S-L-O-W-L-Y.

Have a nice vacation, John R. I hope you make new friends easily. Or get a broom handle up your ass. Personally, I vote for the broom handle up the Hershey Highway.

Dumbass.

A Lesson for Dumbass Young Adults:There Are "Cougars" & Then There Are Cougars

Cougars

Political Correctness. I’ d rather slide down a mile long razor blade nekkid and land in rubbing alcohol than to be PC. As you might have assumed by the previous statement, I ain’t too hip on all this touchy, feely, San Francisco-like crap. You know what I mean, don’t you? “You’re you, I’m me and that’s why I love you”. (Thanks to Lamont Sanford for the quote) Just thinking about this kind donkey doo doo makes me want bleach my brain.

PC is bad enough when used in every day life, but when it oozes like pus from a canker sore into other aspects of our normal routine, like football, High School football even, for Pete’s sake, it has entered Scared Territory and must be confronted with great prejudice. Obliterated. Wiped out. Annihilated.

Yet, oozing onto the gridiron is exactly what this Satan’s Spawn of an ideology has done. In Utah of all places! This travesty has all the earmarks of Cal-ee-forn-yuns relocating to Mormonville and spreading their religion of Liberalism. I could very well be wrong, nonetheless this thing sucks sweaty boar hog gazebos.

Cougars No More

Corner Canyon High School in Draper, Utah is the unwitting victim of a bunch of sissified, politically correct dumbasses that should be summarily rounded up and forced, under the threat of tar and feathers, to listen to William Shatner’s version of Rocket Man for 24 hours straight. Those sub humans would be begging for tar and feathers within 30 seconds.

Utah is Lost

The really sad thing about this PC bullshit is that it wasn’t the Draper School Board or Utah Department of Education that was behind this sinful act. It was the Students of the school! I.Kid.You.Not. This is a new school and the name Cougars was chosen to be the mascot for its athletic teams. I don’t know exactly who chose Cougars to represent Corner Canyon High, but the students in all their skull full of mush glory voted to change mascots from Cougars to Chargers.  Why would these kids make such a big deal out of domething as simple as a team nickname feel compelled to do something so damn stoopid. Because they are stoopid! Stoopid from years of Liberal Indoctrination being force fed them by their (some) parents, schools, media and God knows who else.

Hey, if the students of any high school in the USA wants conduct a vote to change the school mascot from one thing to another, that’s great by me. The things about this particular mascot name switcheroo is why the issue was brought up in the first place. The reason? Because “Cougars” is a derogatory name for women on the prowl for younger boyfriends! I just threw up a little in my mouth.

The Truth About Cougars

Do these knuckleheaded young people not realize that cougars have indeed prowled the Earth in one form or another for millions of years?! I can say with 100% certainty that not a single cougar in the history of cougars has ever been on the prowl for younger boyfriends, except maybe for lunch. Correct me if I am wrong, but the term “cougar” (older chicks chasing younger men) didn’t to into being until recently?

No Attending BYU

I don’t know about you, but I always think of older women chasing younger men when on a sportscast I hear, “In high school football action tonight, the Cougars defeated the Lions, 28 – 7.” According to the young dumbasses of Corner Canyon High, this must mean 28 “cougars” went on the prowl and rounded up 7 younger guys and had their way with the poor young men. As a pig of a man, I scream to the highest heavens, “Yay!!!! Lucky bastiges!” But that’s just me.

How resolute will these kids be when they get a scholarship offer from Brigham Young University? After all, the mascot for BYU is, you guessed it, the Cougar! The phrase “show me the money” comes to mind here.

I am of the opinion that not many students or fans of BYU football automatically think of horny older broads chasing after young bucks when they (the fans & students) hear the word “cougar” during the play by play of a Brigham Young U. football broadcast on the radio. I’ll admit that there could be a few, but they are probably from Cal-ee-forn-yah anyway, so that’s to be expected from the perverted little Commies.

Need I remind you that BYU is a Mormon university where, to the best of my knowledge, they are not allowed to smoke, curse, fornicate or drink caffeine? Mormons are very conservative folks and they are the ones who picked the BYU mascot! Something about the terrain in Utah leads me to believe that one reason “Cougars” was chosen as the nic for BYU is that there may be, oh I don’t, some cougars in them thar hills! I’ll go out on limb and speculate nary a one of the females is on the prowl for a younger man – again, except for lunch.

It’s No Fun

I don’t feel some sense of superiority in chastising these younguns, but dammit if they actually believe all this PC Feces, then somebody has the slap a little logic into them, metaphorically speaking of course, and it might as well be me. It’s apparent that their Mothers and Fathers ain’t gonna do it.

As I have stated many times on this blog, I hate to call kids/young adults dumbasses except when it is necessary to the plot. This is necessary to the plot. These young men and women are the Future, maybe even some future ‘cougars”, of our country. They must be at least presented the cold hard facts of common sense by someone with a great deal of life experience when the whole damn lot of ’em have a collective brain fart. They brain farted. I presented.

Dumbasses.

And I say that with Cougar love. BYU Cougar love.