Monthly Archives: February 2012

Best of Dumbass News: Bank Leaves Doors Unlocked All Weekend!

Even in a time of no blogging, I am still feeding you dumbasses your spoonful of Daily Dumbassery. Can’t a Fearless Leader catch a break? I thought not. Dumbasses.

I will be away from the blog for a few more days but I am pre-posting some of the best stories so far from 2012. It’s been an unexpectedly fruitful start to the year, and even though I am somewhere else, the Dumbass Momentum continues to build up a head of steam with some great stuff.

Great Stuff1/8/12

Happy What-Would-Be Elvis’ 76th Birthday, Dumbasses! It was also 37 years ago today that I attended my last day of high school. I, quite by accident mind you, had all my required courses completed so I decided “To hell with this”. I partied for a couple of weeks (I was 18 and we could legally buy alcohol at the time) and then got a job. I was making $3.25 an hour, living at home. Dad paid all the bills and was on the road most of the time, so it was almost like having a bachelor pad of my own. All I had to pay for was my own beer and leave Dad’s brew alone. Not a bad gig for an 18 year old. Oh, yeah! I also got to drive Dad’s brand new 1974 Camaro LT. I just supplied the gas, which was less than 20 cents a gallon back then. If I had four dollars, I had a full tank of gas.

The Setup

We’re barely a week into the new year and we’re lining up 2012 Dumbass of the Year contenders like Charlie Sheen picking out hookers to share his nose candy with. Literally every day that I have written a new post, the dumbass in the story could be a DOTY nominee. Just take a look at the archives for January if you doubt me. That streak continues today with a story that I never imagined in my wildest dreams could actually happen. 

I hope you are sitting down. 

The Unexpected and the (Still) Unexplained

Wells Fargo. The company that bears that name has been a part of the United States banking system since 1852 and I’ll bet you $10 that what I am about to tell you has never happened in the storied 160 year history of the firm.

On January 4, 2012, last Friday, the Wells Fargo Bank on Arena Blvd. in Sacramento, closed its doors at the end of the business day and the fine people who work there went home to enjoy the weekend with their families. Not unlike millions of other Americans. But that weekend would turn out to be a once-in-160 years event. After all the bank employees left for home, the last guy out at the Wells Fargo bank turned out the lights and he too, headed for the Ponderosa. Last Guy forgot one minor thing however. He forgot to lock the bank’s door! How in the name of all that is Holy can Last Guy forget to lock the door of a branch of one of the largest banks in the world??? Good Gawd Almighty, y’all!


Last Guy is probably one of those neurotic dumbasses that locks his car doors (when he’s washing it!), locks his front door when he’s at home (in the day time!) and has a dead bolt on the bathroom door. Last Guy secures his house like Fort Knox, but can’t remember to lock the door of a bank that has untold millions of dollars inside? What.The.Fuck.? Henry Wells and William Fargo (yes, that Wells and Fargo) are rolling over in their graves so fast, they sound like a couple of Japanese motorcycles doing 100 mph in 2nd gear. I mean dayum, dude.


OK 


I have a couple of thoughts on this situation. First, does Last Guy still have a job? If not, 7-11 is always hiring and they are open 24/7. This is a lucky break for Last Guy because a job at 7-11 ensures that he’ll never have to worry about locking doors again! This is a good thing. Also at Siete-Once (<—-a little Meskin lingo there), cash counting time will be a breeze. Instead of counting thousands pf dollars, he’ll only have to count up to about 50 bucks. That’s all 7-11 employees are allowed to have in the cash drawer. And unless a robber is a crack head, what self-respecting criminal would be happy with robbing a business of only 50 dollars? 


Speaking of crooks (<—-clever segue), I bet there wasn’t a bad guy within three billion light years of the Wells-Fargo bank that had a glimmer of a thought that the door on the place would be wide-ass open. Not that that would be a deterrent, Last Guy probably forgot to turn on the security system too.


Dumbass.

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The Latest Crime Tools: Peanut Butter & Jelly!

Tools of a Criminal

Many years ago there was a TV commercial that featured two people bumping into each other. One was eating from a jar of peanut butter, the other was munching on a Hershey’s Bar looking thing. When they collided, the chocolate bar ended up in the jar of peanut butter and lo a new treat was born! The peanut butter cup.

Peanut butter, or crema de cacahuate as my Meskin friends like to call it, is like bacon – something that should be eaten often and with great vigor. Chocolate? Well, it’s chocolate for God’s sake. It’s the only thing the Swiss do right except for watches. And yodeling. The Swiss are World Class yodelers. And World Class lonely people. Any group of people who create yodeling as a form of entertainment are very lonely people. And dumbasses. But, I’ll ridicule the Swiss in another story on another day. Pussies.

Is This Guy Swiss?

Probably not. He’s from Kentucky and his last name is “Toothman”, which is funny as hell in its own right. As you have seen in this dumbass’s mug shot from above, notice his mouth and you can tell the asswipe doesn’t have a tooth in his head. But I understand that he is a World Class yodeler. They yodel a lot in The Blue Grass State. Especially when wild hogs are out of season. I’m just sayin’.

At any rate, our Dumbass of the Day, Andrew (he of toothless Toothman fame) broke into a local super market, The IGA, wearing nothing but boots. They do that a lot in Kentucky, too. Break into a supermarket wearing but boots, that is. Once Toothman gained entry into the store he went straight for the fire extinguishers and the Nyquil. That’s a nice start right there. But, instead of sucking down the Nyquil like a pirate, Andy simply empties the fire extinguishers and wrote on the floor, using the Nyquil, “Sorry”.


Crema de Cacahuate Meet Chocolate

It is at this point that Andy the Toothless enjoys his favorite treat on a more “personal level” – delicately, deliberately, delectably (barf) covering himself in IGA Brand peanut butter and a more well-known brand of jelly. Now if Andy only had two very large pieces of bread he could be the Largest Dumbass Sandwich in the World.

Later on the police arrived and after a few fleeting moments of thinking they were in Donut Heaven, realized that their dream police call was a real police call and arrested PB & J Man and took him to the County Lick Lock Up. I’m sure Andy will be well-received by the other prisoners with something more than a sweet snack on their minds, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

My only hope is that there is no dog involved in this caper. I’ll leave it at that.

Dumbass.

A Dumbass Threefer, Pistol in Starbucks Goes BOOM & Sueing Over Chickens

We are now over half way through February and about six weeks into 2012, and we already have an 18 wheeler full of potential Dumbass of the Year nominees. Maybe the Mayans were right and 2012 will be the last year of existence for Planet Earth. That’s how goofy things have been so far this year.

As proof I offer you some examples of the Dumbasses who warrant our attention as possible DOY candidates.

The 1st Dumbass of 2012 is a Threefer! This should have been an omen of things to come for 2012. Three Funky Old Dudes expose their prunish ding a lings in public to other men. As the old adage goes, “it’s never too late to be a homo even if you’re not one”. A great way to kick off 2012.

Purse Goes BANG in Starbucks – Some young lady, a dumbass by trade, goes into a coffee joint with a loaded pistol in her purse and nearly shoots another customer in his frapachinos, narrowly missing another’s latte.

Butthurt Dumbass Sues a Guy for Having Chickens in His YardWe get a large portion of our Dumbass News from the Sunshine State of Florida. I think this holds true because the F L A has a large population of snow birds. Snow birds meaning “Yankees”. I’m just sayin’.

There you have it, Day 1 of my vacation. The people mentioned in the posts above are excellent examples of the Dumbasses we have covered thus far in 2012. If you need more dumbassery, be sure to check out the blog archives. Be sure to share Dumbass News with your friends, or enemies, by sending them a link to the stories you like. In the right side bar, you’ll se a widget named “Bookmark” where you can share the World’s Greatest Dumbassery on almost 400 social web sites. I need the readers, so share it!  🙂

Dumbass.

See you in a few days!

Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

I have made an Executive Dumbass Decision. I am gonna take about a week away from blogging to go on the Dumbass News World Search for Exemplary Dumbassery. Yes, I am going to travel the globe in sear….OK.OK.OK ‘I am gonna take a few days off. It’s been a while since I actually had a real break from keeping you up on the latest Dumbassery known to mankind. I know you guys will be OK without me, keeping your Dumbass Radar finely tuned to the events and people that we love to “feature” here on the blog.

In the meantime, I am going to schedule a few “Greatest Dumbass Hits” columns before I go dark, so when you need that Dumbass Fix, you’ll be just a click away from a hit. If you read all the “Greatest Hits” posts, then be sure to check out the archives for your Daily Dose of Dumbass. Remember, there are almost 500 stories to choose from.

That’s a lot of Dumbassery in one location.

If you find an article worthy of putting on Dumbass News, simply email it to me at readumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. I’ll check it out as soon as I get back to “work”.

Until then, adios and God bless you.

Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

Guy Riding Bus to Work: There Goes My Girlfriend’s Stolen Car!

High Old Silver!

Karma. Is. A. Bitch.

1537.33 southbound miles from where I sit typing this story is Deltona, Florida, the scene of one of the biggest “what goes around comes around” in the History of Man. Sit back and enjoy the ride. It’s a doozy.

Billy Joe and Bobbie Sue

Our story today starts with the saga of two young lovers with nothing better to do (<—gratuitous Steve Miller Band Lyrics Stealing) than to steal a car. So they steal a car from a girl named Cara. The victim did everything she was supposed to by calling the police and notifying her insurance company of the theft. Cara was pissed off at the turn of events and all the bullshit that she’d have to go through in order to replace her stolen car. She should have been pissed at herself because she was a dumbass. She left her car unlocked, practically begging for someone to take her wheels. Worse yet, Cara left her keys in the car! She might as well have put up a neon sign that read “Keys in Car! Steal it Now!”.

But, soon, very soon, things would get better.

The two young lovers with nothing better to do Aaron and Amber, were celebrating their recent heist by taking a leisurely cruise around Deltona when they happened upon a bus. This was no ordinary bus. On board the bus was the boyfriend of the woman whose car was stolen! Like many bus passengers, the boyfriend was observing the beautiful Deltona scenery when something even more beautiful caught his eye. His girlfriend’s car driving right along in traffic with the bus! A quick call to 9-1-1 got almost instance results.

Busted

The cops caught up with the two young lovers with nothing better to do, pulled them over and found that swiping a car was the least of the pair’s troubles. After further searching of the pilfered automobile, the lawmen discovered several stolen credit and debit cards. A little added insult is the fact that the guy driving it had a suspended driver’s license! On top of that Aaron’s (the male half of the two young lovers with nothing better to do) girlfriend squealed on him to the cops like a pig with his snout stuck in a bear trap. Aaron will now do the squealing as he enters his new avocation as a prison bitch.

The couple had been going all over Deltona breaking in to cars and stealing shit, Cara was the only one stoopid enough to leave her car unlocked and the keys in it. Now she had her car back, no fuss, no muss. Lady Luck was smiling on Cara on this day and Karma the Bitch bit the two young lovers with nothing better to do smack dab on the ass.

Some People Have All the Luck

I hope Cara bought herself a Lotto ticket that day. The odds of what happen ed happening are something 39 gazillion to 1. I also hope Cara learned a valuable lesson about leaving the keys in her car.

As for the two young lovers with nothing better to do, they are now not two young lovers nor do they have nothing to do. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here in thinking that Aaron and Amber will have plenty to do for a stretch of 5 – 15. Guarding their privates and asses comes to mind. And learning new inmate-inspired nicknames. “Peaches” for him. “Spike” for her. I’m just sayin’.

Dumbasses.

Fake Cop Turns Tricks on Hookers

Dead Giveaway

Dumbasses run the gamut of the human experience – from the poorest of the poor to the heights and glory of the Presidency of the United States. Somewhere between those two extremes lie cops and also hookers.  Both make regular appearances on the pages of Dumbass News. Today’s story features a policeman and his pursuit of ladies of the evening.! Oh, the anticipation of it all is killing me, so let’s not waste another moment before getting down to the nitty gritty.

The Nitty Gritty

On at least four occasions since the first of the year, a dumbass named William Taylor has posed as an NYPD officer. Taylor was targeting hookers, threatening to throw them in the slammer. Unless they performed sex acts on him. He used his status as a “police officer” the coerce those poor whores into doing something they wouldn’t ever do. Work for FREE! I’m sure they’d gladly give a little tit for tat with a real cop, but how dare a fake policeman take advantage of these poor defenseless sluts! What ever will they do for crack money now?!

Apparently one of the prostitutes that Taylor had played “hide the 38 snub nose pistol” with called the hooker version of 9-1-1 (6-9-6-9?) and complained that turning an extra trick each week to recoup her lost income was not good on the old “groceries”. It also cut into her cocaine use by 10%. But dammit, all work and no play makes Shaniqua a bored harlot.

NYPD Ain’t Happy

After laughing their asses off and knockin’ out a couple of dozen Dunkin Donuts, the NYC cops thought about the call for a minute and said, “Hey! Some dumbass is out there stealing our free hookers! Next thing you know he’s gonna be getting free coffee and eclairs at our favorite pastry shops! Something must be done!” Being a police officer is very often a thankless job and when some fake cop is getting all the free tunnel of love and possibly donuts too….well, it’s more than a public servant can’t take. So, they did something. No, they did not put up a 24/7 stakeout on local donut joints, they did actual police work.

Our man William, the El Fake-o Cop, enjoyed the company of one of his coke-addled hoes that he gave her his cell phone number! Because he wanted to be her pimp! I am not now a fake cop (or pimp), nor have I ever been one or played one on TV, but leaving your cell phone number with someone you have basically raped is not a very good idea. The NYPD had the same idea as me and began looking in earnest for William. After polishing off another few Dunkin Munchkins.

The Big Apple’s Finest caught up with William and slapped enough charges on him that his new prison bitch name will be “Sparky”, IYKWIMAITYD.

Epilogue

William Taylor the fake cop of New York City is a blight on humanity and should be dealt with accordingly within the parameters of the law. I think we can all count on the fact that William will be a favorite of many of his new house mates at Sing Sing.

Fart like a man while you can, William, soon you’ll just go “poooooofff” when you break wind. Have a nice day.

Dumbass.

Penii: Lesbians Need Us!

Rock Solid

NSFW! Or Kids! Not X Rated, but pretty naughty.

Every day I chronicle some act of dumbassery that takes place somewhere on Planet Earth. One of my personal favorites is the story of the Penis Museum in Iceland. While I can understand that Iceland, due to its location and long winters, would host such an exciting  venue as a penis museum, I am, as a rule, totally against the hoarding of penises at any one location. The world needs penises. What if Lesbians took over the Earth? What would they do for a penis? As far as I know, Lesbians do not have penises and pro-creation between Lesbos would be impossible. But! With one solitary penis, Lesbians could pro-create to their hearts’ desires, disposing of unwanted weenies as they saw fit. That would suck. There needs to be at least one man, and by extension (damn that’s funny) one penis, to enjoy the “adventures” of the Lesbians that rule the world and thus pro-create more slit lickers.

I must stand with penises everywhere in supporting the Lesbian agenda, but opposing the indiscriminate disposal of unwanted ding a lings.

That is the Official Position of Dumbass News as decreed by me, Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde.

Icelanders Are Lonely People

I don’t know exactly how to begin this post, except to say you’d better be sitting down when you read it. If you are at work and are prone to outbursts of violent laughter or any other orally-emitted sound effects that will cause people in cubicles two floors above you to ask, “What the hell was that?“, stifle yourself or read this in private, like in the toilet, where weird noises are perfectly acceptable. If you are of the male persuasion, be thankful your gazebos and plumbing are attached and in good working order. You have been properly cautioned. Now…To the story!

Iceland, which is a lovely place if you like ice, is a wonderful country whose citizens like to collect penises. And put them on public display! I ain’t makin’ this shit up. I’m not that smart…or stoned. In the sleepy little fishing village of Husavik, which is Icelandic for the “Penis Collecting Dumbasses Who Put Ding-A-Lings on Public Display for Other Dumbasses to Pay to See”, the good people of said sleepy fishing village have “stimulated” the economy by opening a Penis Museum! Yes, the (get this!) Icelandic Phallological Museum and its 208 penises are housed in that quaint little building in the photo. There, you’ll find the penises of damn near every sea and land mammal in Iceland – except the ding dong of a man. Until now. As the article from Aol News states, “a donor named Pall Arason donated his educational tool to the museum in an impressive show of support for the sciences.” What a guy! It’s a man who truly is an incredible dumbass loves his country who’ll donate his thingy for the good of science and the cock museum. The thing is  is that Arason is dead so he doesn’t need his weenie anymore, but it’s in death that he made his greatest contribution to the penis-collecting segment of Icelandic society. And any man that donates his doohickey for the good of science is OK by me…even if he’s a dead dumbass. Just run that thought up your flagpole. Pall Arason, you are a hero to the Icelandic Phallological Museum and dick savers everywhere and your generosity will stand the test of time. You’re a real ding dong dandy.

Dumbass.