Monthly Archives: April 2012

Guy Gets Tooth Pulled By Ex-Girlfriend – What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

British Dental Care Survivor

As a man who has said “I do” on more than one occasion, I can not emphasize to you the importance of maintaining at least a civil relationship with your former spouse. Doing so could save you a shit load of grief and misfortune at a later date. Trust. Me. On. This. One.

I do not speak with one of my former spouses, although I do not hold any ill will towards her. She has her life. I have mine. Our kids are all grown up now and they have and/or are in the process of having their own children.  Besides, she lives in the Midwest, I live in New England. That way the shit works out right.

I am Facebook friends with another ex-wife and we get along very well. I actually like her. I know her husband and like him very much, too. He’s a great guy. As far as she and I are concerned, I think it’s pretty simple. She sees life differently because she was near death after a terrible automobile accident. Me? I see life differently because I quit drinking. Plus, we are twenty years older than we were when we were hitched and I’d like to think that we’ve both “matured” a little bit over the last two decades.

My current wife, whom I adore, is Eye-talian. I dare not piss her off  because she has male relatives named Frankie, Vito, Guido, Vinnie and Sal. Enough said.

These kind of cordial interactions between exes are not always the case.

Let me splain.

Don’t Piss Off the Cook

You know the old sayings like “you don’t pull on Superman’s cape”, “you don’t spit into the wind”, “you don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger” and “you don’t mess around with Jim” ( There ya go, Rachel! 🙂 ), I am sure.

I’d like to pass along another “don’t piss off…” warning to you. Don’t piss off the cook. The cook being the one who is preparing your food and has every opportunity to do vile and disgusting things to your meal should you unreasonably irritate him/her. This Rule of Life is alterable by substituting another word for “cook”. Like, let’s say, “dentist”. Especially a dentist who is your ex-lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/whatever.

Marek Olszewski learned this lesson the hard way.

Let me further splain.

The Toothache That Lead to Disaster

Some background to the story: Our Pollack friend Marek developed a toothache. He made an appointment with the dentist. But, fellow Dumbasses, this was no ordinary tooth yanker. This particular perturbed puller of pearly whites was Marek’s ex-girlfriend! In my humble Dumbass opinion, nothing good could come from this. Not even a bad tooth. A bad tooth and 31 other perfectly good teeth perhaps. Woops! I gave away the punch line.

The ex-girlfriend dentist, Anna, said that she tried tobe professional and detach myself from my emotions, but when I saw him lying there I just thought, ‘What a b—–d.'” So, like any spark-spittin’ mad bitch with a set of pliers and access to narcotics, Anna set out for revenge. She sedated Marek and carefully extracted his bad tooth. Then she pulled a good tooth. Then she removed another good tooth. And another. And another. Soon, Marek was as toothless as a meth-addicted moonshiner from West Virginia. 

Upon completion of the malicious molar mauling, Anna wrapped Marek’s face up in bandages so he wouldn’t realize that he had NO teefahs left in his head. He did, however, notice that he couldn’t feel any teeth in his mouth and Anna told him that it just the numbness from the medication she had given him and that the feeling would wear off when the drugs did. 

Enter the mirror.

He Thought She was “Trustworthy”

Looking into a mirror confirmed Marek’s worst suspicions. He would be gumming his steaks and burgers for the foreseeable future. There was enough empty space in his mouth, just like his head, to park a 1956 Cadillac Fleetwood. Here’s what Marek had to say, “I didn’t have any reason to doubt her — I mean, I thought she was a professional”. Famous last words of a Dumbass. “But when I got home I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t fucking believe it! The bitch emptied my mouth!”

Dude, trusting a pissed off lady dentist who just happened to be your ex to pull a tooth should have been your first clue that this was not a good idea. The second clue should have been your membership card to “Dumbasses of America”.

It Gets Better

This is not the end of this ordeal for Marek. Not only did our Dumbass lose all his teeth in this episode, he also lost his current girlfriend! The reason the current gal pal dumped him? He has no teeth! She said she just couldn’t date a man who didn’t have any teeth. bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Now that’s funny!

I guess asking her for a blow job is out of the question.

Did I mention that this shit took place in England where dental hygiene is right up there with eating Coon Ass (Cajun) food? It. Ain’t. Happenin’.

Did I also mention that England has nationalized health care? This is what they deserve for enacting that shit. no offense to Ma and Pa Limey, just the fucking Commies who enacted and run the UK version of Obamacare. See what we are in for, America? But I digress.

Anna Gets Yanked 

Anna is under investigation for medical malpractice and could face three years in an English prison playing “hide the suction hose” with other young ladies who have teeth. By that I mean no teeth in the head but teeth in other orifices of their bodies. I’ll leave it at that.

Have fun, Anna! By your actions, you have merited the old “broom handles area girl’s best friend” treatment.



Dumbass Songs, Videos & a Touching Tribute to the End of the World!

At the links below you’ll find some of the finest Dumbass Music Videos known to Man, followed by an inspirational Story about the End of Time. Enjoy, Dumbass.

The Winner 

Drop Kick Me Jesus

Tequila Sheila

Finger On the Button (lyrics)
by Bobby Bare

I have appointed me the captain of my destinyAnd proclaimed myself the pilot of my soulBut my mind remains uneasy cause the rest of meDepends on someone I don’t even knowMay the man who has his finger on the button have a lovely day todayHope nothing hangs him up or ticks him off or bums him out in any wayLord help him keep his cool cause he could pull the final curtain on my playMay the man who has his finger on the button have a lovely day today[ dobro ]I can recall when only God could start the world anewHe who left his babies wasted on the shoreBut now that man could have the last word if he wanted to[ From: ]God ain’t such a bad dude anymoreMay the man who has his finger on the button have a lovely night tonightHope he’s got himself a honey who knows what to do and I hope she does it rightAnd in my heart I know you won’t go bananas and again he mightMay the man who has his finger on the button have a lovely night tonightMay the man who has his finger…Send him over anything he wants give him a sixpack of beerGive him my old lady my girl friend
Have a Lovely Day.


Best of "Dumbass News": Feed ‘Em & They Come Back

Dumbass Bait

Best of Dumbass News: This blog is getting new readers every day,. Literally. OK, maybe they’re not “readers” per se, but at least they look at the pictures I post. But you gotta remember, they are Dumbasses and they can’t help themselves. Kind of like YOU! 

Anyway, the point is that with all these new people stopping by the place, thus killing a few million brain cells, I have an obligation to keep them as satisfied customers. You know what I mean, throw ’em a bone. Feed ’em and they come back. Like a stray puppy. Or a homeless Dumbass. 

Soooooooooooo….for all the newer readers of Dumbass News, I present to you one of the Top 10 Most Popular Posts in the History of This Blog.

The Stranded Dumbass and the Cell Phone

If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilligan’s Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don’t about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to “print” a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What of you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911! That’s just the way I roll. 
There’s this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan’s Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That’s something that could happen to anybody, so you can’t call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian “Goat Man” Hopper. I ain’t makin’ that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, “Today I think I’ll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare notforget my vitamins!” Goat Man did not say, “I’d better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry.” He took his frakkin’ Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

On Day 5 of his “three hour tour”, Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, “I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island,” Hopper said. “I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land … I didn’t want to spend the taxpayers’ money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy.” Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. “It was the right thing to do,” he said. Ya think?

Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to “get some”? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.

This device is useless in the hands of a dumbass

Upstate and Upside the Skull with a Sex Toy!

TWELVE Inches??!!

When I wrote this story about some drunk, horny Battery Operated Boyfriend-wielding Dumbass Dame attacking a policeman last November, I remember thinking at the time that stories like that would come around about once every 12 to 18 months. I was wrong. It took less than six months for another one to become the buzz (ha ha) of the internet.

For today’s Assault by Dildo Adventure we venture to Upstate New York.

BOB and the Cop

The Watertown, New York Police Department recently received an early morning call about an unwanted person at a local residence. The “unwanted person” was a local woman who was not a welcomed guest at the home of a male friend of hers. At 3AM! This would be the appropriate time to inject (pun intended) into the story that the bitch was, shall we say, drunk. No, we shall say that the bimbo was blasted. 

Anyway, it was three in the morning and Officer Jonathon Pitts did his duty and went to check out what the hell was happening at this apartment. Upon surmising that the woman was indeed inebriated and not welcomed at the guy’s home, Officer Pitts went about escorting the Dumbass from the residence when IT happened.

The suspect, Lisa Anderson, took offense to being removed from the premises and on the way out, lead by Officer Pitts, Anderson noticed a pink sex toy that just happened to be laying in a nearby chair. It was at this point that she picked up the plastic penis, threw a high heater ( a little baseball lingo there) in the general direction of the cop and it smacked the Good Officer on the forehead!

Questions immediately abound.


Being the inquisitive Dumbass that I am, I demand answers to some very pertinent questions that arise from this incident.


  • Why is Lisa Anderson, the drunk fake dick throwing dumbass out at 3 AM? Did her mother not ever tell her that nothing good happens after midnight? 
  • Why is there a pink plastic penis “just laying around” in a chair in the living room of the victim’s apartment? I am of the opinion that the guy in this story wanted to get his freak on with Lisa and the BOB but she was too loaded to perform to his specifications. This is merely speculative mind you.
  • As a former Professional Drinker, I saw and did some pretty damned stoopid shit, but throwing a dildo at a cop was not one of them. Of course, I never had much use for a TWELVE INCH (according to the police report) pink plastic ding a ling, whether my Blood Alcohol Content was .02 or .20. Then again I was never lucky enough to be around a drunk chick who came over to my house at 3 AM wanting to play “Bury the BOB in My Nether Regions”. Damn the bad luck.
Three Hour Tour 
It goes without saying that Lisa was taken into custody and put up for the remainder of the night in the City of Watertown Cross Bar Hilton charged with the “old dildo to the head of the investigating flat foot is a no-no” statute. This is a misdemeanor offense, so after sobering up, Lisa was released from custody and hightailed it straight away to a local 7-11 where she purchased a bottle of the Mad Dog and some “C” cell batteries for BOB. 
I hope she gets here before 3 AM.