Monthly Archives: May 2012

Perunts uv Skool Kidz Our Stoopid

If you’ve ever been the parent of a child who goes to school, you, more than anyone else, know that kids occasionally get sick and have to miss a day of the Three Rs only to become the Fourth R, Rotten! But Rotten is another story for another day. When kids are too ill to attend school for a day, it’s school policy that the parents of said sick child, upon her return to school, issue a note from Mom or Dad explaining Little Susie’s absence. Fair enough. However! Upon reading the “my kid missed school because,,,” notes, teachers have to wonder how the hell did Mom or Dad make it through school! Or if they even went to school.

Let me splain. (cont.)

New Mexico – Land of Enchantment

Land of Enchantment

New Mexico is celebrating its Centennial this year! Scenic and historic, the Land of Enchantment is throwing a party all summer long with festivals and events that will surely be second to none.

 The actual date of New Mexico’s Centennial is June 16, so for those of you in the West and Southwest United States, you still have time to plan a trip to what will I’m sure be something that will leave you with memories that will last you for the rest of your life.

New Mexico at Night

From its magnificent scenery to its incredible history...(cont)

100 Years as a State – New Mexico, Land of Enchantment

Land of Enchantment

New Mexico is celebrating its Centennial this year! Scenic and historic, the Land of Enchantment is throwing a party all summer long with festivals and events that will surely be second to none.

Behold, My Son….

The actual date of New Mexico’s Centennial is June 16, so for those of you in the West and Southwest United States, you still have time to plan a trip to what will I’m sure be something that will leave you with memories that will last you for the rest of your life.

From its magnificent scenery to its incredible history, New Mexico is a must visit for you, not only this summer, but any time of the year. Of course in the warmer months there is plenty to do outdoors, fishing, camping and hiking come to mind, New Mexico is also a fantastic place to hit the slopes in the winter. Ruidoso sits in the shadow of 12,000 foot tall Sierra Blanca and offers some outstanding skiing and other winter activities.

Food and Lodging

Depending on whether you’d like to stay at a luxury hotel in a city like Albuquerque, or in a mountain cabin in Cloudcroft, you’ll find it in New Mexico.

The food is Mama-slappin’ good. That is, it’s so good, you’d slap your Mama away from the supper table to get some more. Here’s a taste of what New Mexican Cuisine looks like:

Hungry yet?

See For Yourself 
To be honest, I could take a couple of months writing about all that is good and cool about NM, but rather than prattle on, I’ll link you to the Official Site for the State of New Mexico and let you, through videos and web cams, discover for yourself the magnificence that awaits you in what is truly the Land of Enchantment.

You can get a FREE New Mexico Travel Guide here!

Parunts uv Skool Kidz Our Dumbasses

As the school year winds down, a few thoughts…

If you’ve ever been the parent of a child who goes to school, you, more than anyone else, know that kids occasionally get sick and have to miss a day of the Three Rs only to become the Fourth R, Rotten! But Rotten is another story for another day. When kids are too ill to attend school for a day, it’s school policy that the parents of said sick child, upon her return to school, issue a note from Mom or Dad explaining Little Susie’s absence. Fair enough. However! Upon reading the “my kid missed school because,,,” notes, teachers have to wonder how the hell did Mom or Dad make it through school! Or if they even went to school.

Let me splain.

Prelude to Dumbassery

Some of the “excuse letters” that parents write explaining a kid’s absence from school are sicker than whatever kept the kid home in the first place. And by “sick”, I mean “stupid”. Weeeellll, “stupid” may not be the right word to use here, but the phrase “dumber than a box of hammers” is pretty accurate.

If you send your child to a public school, withdraw him immediately! If you do not take prompt action today, it may be too late for your kid! I. Ain’t. Kiddin’. Once you read some of the notes I have been talking about, you’ll quickly realize that the tax dollars, YOUR tax dollars, used to fund public education might as well be spent buying Chevy Volts. Schools and Volts are both gubmint projects and neither of them has proven to be anything but disastrous, expensive and failures. I’m just sayin’. Having a hard time swallowing that? Then chew on this shit.

Parents of Skool Kidz Are Stoopid

OK, you asked for it and I am happy to oblige. Here are a few of the stupidest, most English-challenged pieces of work you have ever seen in your life. And that’s just the Parents! The excuse notes are even more jacked up.

The following “excuse my kid from missing school” notes will be presented exactly as they were written at the time. I will not change a thing about them. BTW, thanks to ozzu.com for the excuse notes.

Behold the work of America’s parents:

  • 1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • 2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • 3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • 4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • 5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • 10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • 11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the *plum*.[words in “(  )’s” were crossed out.]
  • 12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Want more? Just follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Further Proof:

  • 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.
  • 16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • 17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • 20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  • 22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  • 23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  • 24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

I rest my case.

Lern to Spel!

Learn Your Own Damn Language, Dumbass!

If it seems that I am ragging on a boatload of parents, it’s because I am! My advice to these Moms and Dads is to learn your own damn language – English! I understand that mistakes will be made when writing a note to school, a resume or even a or blog. Hell, I’m sure someone with much more command of the English language and the grammar thereof could go back through what I’ve written in the last few minutes and tear me a new one because of various errors. I can live with that. English is a tough language to get a hold of in many ways. Ask any immigrant or student new to English. Hell, ask an American the same things and see what you get?! And it’s our native tongue!

My problem lies with what appears to me to be a lack of effort in coming anywhere near the proper use of spoken and written English. Did these goofballs just not pay attention at school? Did they even GO to school? Who is to be held accountable? Lazy students? Dumbass parents? Crummy teachers? The city school board who think throwing more money at a problem is the solution instead of addressing the problem head on? The State Edjumacation morons? How about the Feds? In a word: Yes times five. But each of the aforementioned groups bears blame in different “quantities”.

Who’s to Blame?

 And the blame goes to….(in no particular order):

  • 1) The Students – In the end, it’s the kids’ who are the ones who suffer, but it is they who’ve got to put their collective noses to the grindstone. It’s not a very complicated thing, really. Go to school every day. Get there on time. Listen/Read/Write/Learn/Ask Questions/Study. Simple, huh? Oh! One more thing. When you are too sick to go to school and the time comes to go back, WRITE YOUR OWN NOTE AND HAVE YOUR PARENTS READ IT THEN SIGN IT! Whatever you do, for God’s sake, DO NOT let your folks scribble a word! 
  • 2) Parents – Let me put it this way: Would you wants the parents who wrote those excuse notes to help YOUR kids with their homework? Enough said
  •  3) Crummy Teachers – This is not a cheap shot at ALL public school teachers. Over the last 50 years I have known and been a student of many outstanding p. s . teachers. They taught for all the right reasons, chief among a love of kids and a desire to pass on valuable knowledge that will ultimately be crucial at some point in life. In this group of great teachers I include the current/past teachers my little girls have/have had in their brief academic endeavors. These teachers are a priceless commodity to not only our children, but to the country as well. Well educated young people are the best hope for the future of our Representative Republic. That doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone has to go to an Ivy League Bastion of Liberalism either. Trade schools and, in many instances, online “schools” provide superb curricula and very good instructors. My point here is to reward the teachers who achieve success with their students and dump the crummy ones like an Iranian Mullah drops a pork chop. Easier said than done? Sure, but when has ANY challenge been too much for the United States of America to overcome? Let’s start with the young folks by giving their teachers the tools needed to educate our children. And more money ain’t always the right solution to a major problem. 
  •  4) City School Boards – See Number 3, Crummy teachers. I could add a lot more stuff here, but it would take a week to type it all out. But good ole Number 3 up there is a great place to start. Simply substitute the word “school board member/administrator for the word “teacher” and you won’t be wrong.
  • 5) State Dept. of Education – Again I refer to Number 3. For “teacher” use “bureaucrat”, “professional public servant” (that’s not a good thing) or “dumbass”. They are all interchangeable.

So, get with the program, you dipshits!

And learn English!

Dumbasses.

Organic Dumbass Love

The internet has had an amazing effects on today’s society. Nowadays you can go online to pay bills, shop, do research, date and a thousand other things. I want to focus on the dating thing for today’s post. As you may or may not know, I met my wife online.

Quick recap: we met in an AOL Chat Room , became friends, exchanged phone calls and one day I showed up here in Maine, not really knowing what to expect, but we ended up getting married and having a baby together. I have now been here for six years and everything is great.

cont…

Organic Dumbass Romance

The internet has had an amazing effects on today’s society. Nowadays you can go online to pay bills, shop, do research, date and a thousand other things. I want to focus on the dating thing for today’s post. As you may or may not know, I met my wife online. 

Quick recap: we met in an AOL Chat Room , became friends, exchanged phone calls and one day I showed up here in Maine, not really knowing what to expect, but we ended up getting married and having a baby together. I have now been here for almost five years and everything is great.

In spite of the fact that the internet has changed, or added to, the way things are done, the old fashion meet and greet of the real world still is the way to go for most people. Most single people prefer the old fashioned way to seek a mate…face to face. And one of the staples of finding a partner is till going strong. I am talking of meeting in a supermarket. Nothing says I love you like when two people reach for the same cumquat, touch hands and feel the sparks between each other.

But some dumbasses go to specialty grocery stores to meet and seek love over the tofu. Rainbow Foods of Minneapolis, Minny-sota is a trend setter when it comes to such encounters. Should we call thee knot heads Organic Dumbasses? I dunno. A spokes-organic dumbass for the grocery retailer explains, “Several people make the same types of food, and you can have a conversation that’s not intimidating.” Here’s some more organic dumbassery for you, “said co-op shoppers are likely to make connections because they “know that (others) share some values … whether environmental or health or the treatment of animals.”

Tofu or Not Tofu, That Is the Question

I can see it now. Two  organic dumbasses are admiring the bean sprouts when one of them says, “Nice global warming we’re having today”.

Then the other organic dumbass responds, “Yes, it is. The Polar Ice Caps are melting at an alarming rate and soon sea levels will rise by 20 feet! How about you and I go for a latte sometime?” If I weren’t busy heaving up breakfast, I’d find that type of meeting as Gaia-inspired.

The conversation continues, “I hope these bean sprouts are from free range beans. I could never forgive myself if they weren’t.”

The response, “Ooooh, baby, you really curdle my soy milk when you talk like that. Let’s live in sin together!” An organic dumbass romance is born.

Kiss My Organic Ass

I don’t want to rag people because they share the same interests like global warming and tofu…as a matter of fact, I DO want to rag on them because they are organic dumbasses! On top of that, they are generally a bunch of condescending assholes who think they are better than their non-organic dumbass friends. So Gaia damn them all!

And kiss my organic ass.

Organic dumbasses.

Celebrate Wisconsin’s 164th Year as a State!

Cheesehead Lighthouse

Today I want to fill you in on some stuff about one of my favorite places in the Lower 48 – America’s Dairyland,Wisconsin.

I spent a couple of months in Wisconsin about 25 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday. What a beautiful place with some great people. Great people including my very good friend Kevin who lives near the Mississippi River not far from La Crosse. Wisconsin is also home to my favorite NFL team, the 13-Time World Champions, Green Bay Packers! No, I am not a fair weather fan. I have been a Cheesehead for over fifty years, so I don’t want to hear any guff from you guys, OK?  🙂

Continued here…