Monthly Archives: June 2012

“Dumbass News” on YouTube or Not? Vote in the Poll!

Yesterday I wrote that a Fearless Leader leads. A good Fearless Leader also listens to the people he leads – in this case Dumbasses.

I have been considering an idea for quite some time now that would set the World of Dumbassery on its gazebos. I am seriously thinking about starting a…

Read the rest here…

600 Dumbass Posts & Counting!

Today Dumbass News has reached a milestone. The post previous to this one with the poll on whether I should start a Dumbass YouTube Channel was the 600th in this blog’s almost two year history! It’s hard for me to believe that I have stuck around this long. What’s even more amazing is that you are still around to read this crap.That says a lot about your character, you know. And it ain’t good. Dumbass.I am sure your mental health professional is not too happy about that. Screw ’em. They are deranged enough to be making a living off dealing with Dumbasses every day, so what does that say about them? 

Checkmate and pass the Lithium.


Let’s Celebrate!

I thought that an occasion as monumental as this one should be properly recognized and feted. So, I went through the blog archives and pulled some of my personal favorite Dumbss News stories from the first 600.

Here are those posts, in no particular order.

Picking out favorite Dumbass News stories is a lot like picking out your favorite kid in the family. Each is unique and you love them all equally but in a different way.

You have 600 of ’em to choose from, so search the archives till dumbassery leaks from your eye ball sockets. You’ll thank me later.

But, I thank you now. All of you in the 137 countries around the globe who spend your valuable time reading Dumbass News.Your support has been amazing and much appreciated. Just short of 70,000 page views as of today, I am a humbled Fearless Leader.

Thanks.

Dumbasses.

Put "Dumbass News" on YouTube or Not? Vote in Our Poll Here!

Dumbasses Unite!

Yesterday I wrote that a Fearless Leader leads. A good Fearless Leader also listens to the people he leads – in this case Dumbasses.

I have been considering an idea for quite some time now that would set the World of Dumbassery on its gazebos. I am seriously thinking about starting a YouTube Channel that would feature me,. in all my Dumbass Glory, reporting on the moose crap that you’ve been reading for the last 22 months in another media format. I would still keep the blog going on a daily schedule, but throwing in at least a couple of video versions of Dumbass News on the YouTube gig every week.

What do you think of this groundbreaking developement?

At the top of the right side bar I put up a Poll where you can voice your opinion. There are several choices, so be sure to read through them all and make your decision accordingly. Your opinion matters. Kind of.

I’ll keep the poll going for a few days so I can get a good cross section of votes from Dumbasses all over the world.

Vote early and vote often!

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Email from "Interpol"; You’re in Big Trouble!

Faithfully

We have talked before how cool the internet is and all the spiffy things you can do on it – shopping, paying bills, watching pron, etc…As good as all that stuff is, there are an equal number of bad things about the 3 Dub (that stands for “www.”; a nickname us blogging sensations use when communicating with each other) Scams, phishing, ID theft, etc. For example…

My wife got this email last night. It sounds very ominous and basically implicates her in a very serious crime. I will print it n its entireity belo then dismantle it point by point.


The Very Serious Email

  • Good Day.

    This is the internet fraud unit of the Interpol police, we are mandated by the British High Commission and the FBI to combat internet fraud and our monitoring device picked up several signal transaction on your server and since then we have been monitoring all your internet transaction and we have just discovered that you have been into series of transaction and we have been on the trail ever since.

    From our investigation you have been into a transaction worth of millions of dollars which you have spent money on, and we discovered from our investigation that you have been dealing with the wrong people. A compensation of six hundred and fifty thousand united state dollars ($650,000.00) has been allocated to all Americans, Arabians,Europeans,canadians and Asian citizen who have been scammed and harassed on the internet. We are also been backed up by the UNITED NATIONS. We have been investigating emails been directed to selected individuals.
      

    We want to clear your doubts; you are to continue your transaction with Robert Nicholas of the compensation payment department immediately.Please you are to notify us when you receive this email.

    You are not to disclose this information to a third party as we are on the trail to get all perpetrators of cyber crime.

    Thank you for your understanding

    Faithfully

    Bryan Anderson

    Head Internet Fraud Unit. 

Sounds ominous, huh?
I would think that such letters are intended for older people who are not so internet savvy or maybe even a little off kilter upstairs.Sadly, there those who fall for this shit every day of the week. That’s almost understandable. But consider also the fact that perfectly functioning, mentally stable, smart, grown people get involved in scams like this all the time. These are the dumbasses to whom I am referring in this post.

Pay Attention!   

Let’s play a Dumbass Game right now. Let us say that you received this email and were so scared that you soiled your drawers thinking that you could be in some serious shit.Fear not! Fearless Leader s here to cast aside your worries and fears! Ya Dumbass. And I say that with love in my heart.

For your sanity, not to mention your bank account, let us dismantle this fraudulent communique step by step, shall we?

The Dismantling

This will be easy.

  • The greeting of the email, “Good Day”. I may be in the minority here but if you are involved in a serious crime, I highly doubt the first words of the letter would be ‘good day”. “Hey, you rotten thieving sonuvabitch” or “Mr. Smith” maybe, but there’s no way in hell that an email of this nature begins with a sunny phrase such as “good day”.
  • Interpol is indeed an international police force kind of thing. However, I don’t think that they are stoopid enough to inform a criminal suspect of their (Interpol’s) activities during a major fraud investigation. Don’t you Dumbasses ever watch James Bond movies? Geez.
  • The bullshit about the British High Command: the BHC has no jurisdiction whatsoever in the United States.If I’m not mistaken, neither does Interpol..I believe Interpol is an investigative type agency. It’s headquartered in Fwance, so take it for what it’s worth. That’s not to say that Interpol is worthless, but I am skeptical of it nonetheless.
  • Some of the grammatical; mistakes alone send up a red flag the size of an 18 wheeler right away. Notice “canadians” and “several signal transaction” and other stuff that leads me to believe that some guy in Nigeria is the author of this crap. The do a lot of internet scamming in Nigeria.
  • The Dumbass who wrote this also says that his group is backed by the United Nations! Oh, my God! Run for the hills! Not the UN! I say, fuck the UN! Sideays. With a rusty BBQ grill brush. The UN is as useful as tits on a boar hog.
  • Notify the writer upon receipt of the email. Yeah, I’ll get right on that. This deal stinks more and more by the word.
  • Don’t tell anybody, you are instructed. That all by its own self says, “I am gonna rip you off so bad and so fast, you won’t know what hit you, fucking idiot.”
  • “Thank you for your understandin”. If you understood you wouldn’t be Dumbass enough to fall for this fraud!
  • The closing is a real beauty. “Faithfully”? Really? The only thing this asshole is faithful to is rippuing off and ripping you off bad. 

There’s more, but I think you get the idea.

That’s my Public Service Announcement for this week, so please remember that the British High Command and Interpol have absolutely no jurisdiction in the United States.If the High Sheriffs (FBI, Treasury Dept.et al) think you are involved in some high tech, high-level, international fraud scheme, and have sufficient evidence, you won get an email about it, they will be knocking down your door like a Mack Truck hit it with several US Army tanks at their disposal. And they won’t be real nice when they slap the bracelets on you.

This post was almost serious. Do not make me go through this again.Got it?

Dumbass.

Guy Threatens to Shoot Neighbor Over Farting!

Fearless Leaders lead. That’s what I do for you every day. I lead you. I lead you into tje depths of human depravity and dumbassery.I must say, however, that this blog can be educational as well. Today for example, we will study etymology. Wikipedia defines etymology thusly, “the study of the history of words, their origins, and how their form and meaning have changed over time.” 

The word we’ll take a look at today is one that is used and actually practiced daily here at the Dumbass Dome. The word is “fart”. I know it will come as a surprise to many of you that your Fearless Leader would engage in such juvenile vulgarity. (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Moving right along…

Dumbass Threatens to Shoot Neighbor Who Farted! Bonus: History of "Fart"!

Fearless Leaders lead. That’s what I do for you every day. I lead you. I lead you into tje depths of human depravity and dumbassery.I must say, however, that this blog can be educational as well. Today for example, we will study etymology. Wikipedia defines etymology thusly, “the study of the history of words, their origins, and how their form and meaning have changed over time.” 

The word we’ll take a look at today is one that is used and actually practiced daily here at the Dumbass Dome. The word is “fart”. I know it will come as a surprise to many of you that your Fearless Leader would engage in such juvenile vulgarity. (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Moving right along…

As we all know, “farting”, or in the vernacular, “letting one rip”, “here’s a kiss for you” or “cutting the cheese”, is the process in which digestive gasses are forced through the anus at super sonic speeds. This type of “fart” is often referred to as a “gasser”. Men are the main emitters of such farts, truck drivers being the most notable My Old Man was a trucker for over 40 years and, believe you me, I know a gasser when I hear one.

Females, on the other hand, “fluff” or “poot” when they emit anal gas., with “fluff” being the quieter of the two types of farting.

How “Fart” Came About

Not being an expert in etymology, I have turned to others more knowledgeable than I. A brief look at the word “fart” from Wiktionary informs us:

Etymology

Pronunciation

Verb

fart (third-person singular simple present farts, present participle farting, simple past and past participle farted)

  1. (informal, mildly vulgar) To emit digestive gases from the anus; to flatulate.
  2. (colloquial, usually as “fart around) To waste time with idle and inconsequential tasks; to go about one’s activities in a lackadaisical manner; to be lazy or over-relaxed in one’s manner or bearing.

Edified yet?

An Almost Gone Gasser

On the surface Daniel Collins of Teaneck, New Jersey looks any other 72 year old would-be felon galavanting around the city. Recently, however, Daniel erased “would-be” from his resume. Although not yet convicted by a jury of his peers, Collins’ likely destination in the very near future is Prison Bitchville.

This Guy Hates Farts

You see, Dirty Dan had an ongoing dispute going on with one of his neighbors when the feud erupted. Literally. The neighbor was coming home from a drunken night of heavy crack cocaine usage when he was strolling by Dan’s apartment door. As he was meandering through the hallways of Teaneck’s finest soon-to-be condemned slum, he had the urge to fart. So he did. It was this gaseous emission that sent Daniel Collins over the edge.

Upon hearing the fartage from his passing neighbor, good ol’ Dan rush to his dresser drawer and grabbed a handgun! He then confronted the fartor while brandishing said firearm and threatened to “put a hole” in his head. Letting one ripin public is certainly not very courteous, but “putting a hole” in the gasser’s head is a bit of a harsh reaction when a simple “quit the fucking farting in the hallway, you uncivilized asshole” would have sufficed. Geez, some fucking people. But at least this is the USA, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, where a man can still fart without fear of persecution from the Gubmint. A deranged neighbor may blow your shit away, but you can still fart free!

It goes without saying that Dan was arrested and believe it or not, released from jail on his own recognizance! What. The. Hell!

Justice awaits Dan “The Man” Collins. If there is any Justice (and irony) in the world, he’ll get the gas chamber.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Woman Sues 8 Year Old Girl for Scratching Her Car!

Image

It seems like every time you turn on the Boob Tube, not to be confused with YouTube, where I have this Dumbass News Exclusive dramatic video on some nasty weather we had this past Sunday, you see a commercial for some ambulance chasin’ attorney. I never realized how many lawyers there are until I started watching TV again.

There are lawyers that handle cases involving mesothelioma, asbestos, Paxil and a shitload of other stuff that is harmful to Mankind. But not harmful to their bank account. Today’s story isn’t really about a lawyer,. so much as it is about some dumbass broad who has decided to clog up the Justice system with a frivolous suit against one of her neighbors. Who  just happens to be an eight year old girl!

Let me splain.