Monthly Archives: August 2012

Texas Mayor Killed by Pet Ass!

I promise you that I did not plan on this week being Strange Ways to Die Week. It just turned out that way for some weird reason.

Earlier, I wrote about a guy dressed in a ghillie suit at night setting up a Bigfoot hoax on the highway and getting creamed by a Toyota. He did not come down for breakfast.

Bad Ass Ass

Now some poor soul down in South Texas has been killed at the hands (hooves?) of his pet donkey! This guy wasn’t just some Dumbass who was trying to schtoop an ass or something, he was the well-respected  Mayor of Hollywood Park, Texas.

Here’s the story from woai.com in San Antonio: “The Atascosa County Sheriff’s Office said Wednesday that the death of Hollywood Park Mayor William “Bill” Bohlke appears to be an accident. Bohlke was 65.
Chief Deputy David Soward says Bohlke apparently was attacked Monday morning by a male, aggressive donkey he kept on the ranch.
Investigators say the donkey and several others are still on the property with other livestock.
“He loved his animals. He loved ranching,” said Sandra Wilson.
According to the neighbor, Bohlke’s wife was concerned when he didn’t return to Hollywood Park after checking on his animals.
After dark, Wilson said several neighbors, jumped on all terrain vehicles and went looking for the Air Force veteran.
They found his truck still running hours after he was attacked.”

Calls for Ass Control

It’s difficult for me to poke fun at a guy who gets killed by a donkey apparently aggressive because of a female in heat, but getting sent to your reward by an ass looking for some female ass is not something you read about every day. Unless you live in Guatemala or some shit. Death by Donkey down there has seen a dramatic increase in recent years brought on by Global Warming-caused ass horniness. Why, animal rights pussies are even calling for ass control in many regions of Central America.

Screwing a donkey in Iran on the other hand is called “Tuesday night” by the rag heads over there.

OK, I confess. I made that part up. Except for the rag heads fucking donkeys in Iran. That shit really happens.

For now, at least ass control is off the table in Guatemala and other countries in the region. That all will change, however, when Juan Valdez is stomped into the Afterlife by that stupid burro he totes around the coffee plantation in Colombia. mark my words.

In the Meantime…

What’s a Fearless Leader to do when some guy is randomly attacked an killed by a horny donkey? Make fun of the poor bastard?

Not this time.

I can however eviscerate the donkey.

What in the name of all that is Holy would cause a donkey, a pet donkey no less(!), to attack a human being? Are donkeys stoopid enough to think that a man would steal his female ass from him? Oh, wait. I just remembered Iranian donkey humping. This activity must have made its way around the worldwide donkey community, thus contributing to this erratic donkey behavior. Donkeys are devious that way. And so are horny Iranians.

What a bunch of asses.

Dumb asses.

The Story of Isaac as Told By James Ott of Watson, Louisiana

What an outstanding effort by James Ott of Watson, Louisiana in reporting on the progress of Hurricane Isaac as it passed over James’ home in Watson! It was a riveting series of posts that had us all experiencing the hurricane right through our computer monitors – so lifelike and detailed.

I have known James Ott for over 40 years and I had a brilliant idea in asking him to journal the before, during and after in the life of Tropical Storm/Hurricane Isaac. I knew people would be interested in such an online diary but I underestimated the sheer volume of that interest. James did not disappoint us with his concise reports and the way Isaac was affecting him, his family and his friends and neighbors. He did so with over a dozen quality “on the scene” reports that kept you on the edge of your seat anticipating the next one with little sleep for over two solid, harrowing days.

I can not begin to thank James enough for the yeoman’s job he did in keeping us informed. He did these reports out of the kindness of his heart for an old friend while making sure at the same time that his family and property were as safe as could be. I hope that some day I’ll be able to repay James for such kindness towards me and my blog readers.

James Ott, I am proud and honored to call you “Friend”.

Thank you.

James’ Journey with Isaac

In case you missed any of the action, I have listed all of James’ reports in chronological order below, so you, too, can be part of the story James so graciously and brilliantly told us.

Intro

Bigfoot Hoax Gets Dumbass Splattered All Over Highway

We have covered some very strange Dumbass Ways to Die here on Dumbass News and we’ll do so again today, But, let us first review some of the stoopid ways that some of our Dearly Departed Dumbasses have left this veil of tears.

One example of a real good (unless you’re dead person) to die is during sex. In one story, we found out about a woman who died doing the dirty deed with her husband. No she didn’t bite the Big One having the Big O, she bit the bullet. Literally shot to death by her old man during some freaky Dirty Harry Sex Game. I have heard of sex weird ass sex toys, but a .45 ain’t one of ’em.

Then there was the case of some Old Guy keeling over during a lap dance at the local Jiggle Joint, or the Titty Bar as some of you prefer.

Those dead Dumbasses have nothing on the guy we will be High (low?) lighting today.

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Setting Up Bigfoot Hoax on Hiway Gets Splattered by a Toyota

We have covered some very strange Dumbass Ways to Die here on Dumbass News and we’ll do so again today, But, let us first review some of the stoopid ways that some of our Dearly Departed Dumbasses have left this veil of tears.

One example of a real good (unless you’re dead person) to die is during sex. In one story, we found out about a woman who died doing the dirty deed with her husband. No she didn’t bite the Big One having the Big O, she bit the bullet. Literally shot to death by her old man during some freaky Dirty Harry Sex Game. I have heard of sex weird ass sex toys, but a .45 ain’t one of ’em.

Then there was the case of some Old Guy keeling over during a lap dance at the local Jiggle Joint, or the Titty Bar as some of you prefer.

Those dead Dumbasses have nothing on the guy we will be High (low?) lighting today.

Big Foot & A Weird Way to Die Go Together

We have also covered some Bigfoot stuff that is relevant to today’s story in which a Bigfoot “researcher” actually uses moonshine to lure the legendary beast to within camera range. So far he has had no luck in sighting Bigfoot, but has had some legendary Saturday nights while alone in the woods with his hopes of a sighting and his hooch, which I understand provides one with some outstanding “sightings” of some sort. Like green snakes on the ceiling perhaps?

You may be asking yourself, “Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, just how the hell do getting sent to your Reward during sex, vapor locking at a strip club and drunk Bigfoot “researchers” tie in to day’s excursion into the Shallow End of the gene pool and an untimely demise?

Let me splain.

Ghillie or Ghoulie?

Death and Sasquatch

Randy Lee Tenley of Kalispell, Montana was setting up a hoax Bigfoot sighting when he was killed. During the set up of he fake Bigfoot encounter on the night in question, Tenley was on the side of Highway 93 doing the hoax thing when he was struck by a car! It is my Considered Fearless Leader Bigfoot Hoax Expert Opinion that when a normal size man is struck by a motor vehicle doing 70 miles per hour or more, that he will instantly gain fame in the Darwin Awards category. In other words, Randy Lee Tenley was squashed like a ripe tomato while doing what he was doing.

Police suspect alcohol was involved. You don’t say?

Here’s the entire news brief from the Associated Press via the HuffPuffBigfootIsRealPost, “A man dressed in a military-style “ghillie” suit and apparently trying to provoke reports of a Bigfoot sighting in northwest Montana was struck by two cars and killed, authorities said.

The man was standing in the right-hand lane of U.S. Highway 93 south of Kalispell on Sunday night when he was hit by the first car, according to the Montana Highway Patrol. A second car hit the man as he lay in the roadway, authorities said.

Flathead County officials identified the man as Randy Lee Tenley, 44, of Kalispell. Trooper Jim Schneider said motives were ascertained during interviews with friends, and alcohol may have been a factor but investigators were awaiting tests.

Ghillie suits are a type of full-body clothing made to resemble heavy foliage and used to camouflage military snipers.

Tenley was struck by vehicles driven by two girls, ages 15 and 17, who were unable to stop in time, authorities said.”

One Less Bell to Answer  

This accident sadly eliminates one of our Fellow Dumbasses from the Horde. But on the bright side, Randy Lee Tenley will no longer procreate given that he has assumed room temperature. Storm clouds, silver linings and all that. I am just a bit curious, however, about a couple of things.

  1. Why was it so important that Randy Lee dress up in a ghillie suit at night in order to perpetrate this little joke on the local citizenry? Oh, yeah. Alcohol “may have been involved. And if you read the Bigfoot story at the link above, you would know that alcohol is a very necessary tool in hunting down Bigfoot. Or at least getting drunk enough to “see” the beast.
  2. Why is it that drunk Dumbasses who do the best stoopid shit always have three names, like Randy Lee Tenley. Why ain’t it ever some simple name such as John Smith? I want to know. Really. I do.
  3. Isn’t there a decent strip club in Kalispell where Randy Lee could have gone to die? I mean getting a lap dance from a nekkid chick seems like an infinitely more “fun” way to buy the farm than to be obliterated by a couple of teenage girls in a Prius. Maybe I am wrong, because I have never died before and I am quite unwilling to find out which way is a more “pleasant” way to go. Although death by stripper appears to be more enticing. 

But, that’s just how I roll. Unlike Randy Lee Tenley.

R.I.P.

Dumbass.

Guy Blows 3 Times DUI Limit, Then Pees on Breathalyzers!

At last count, Dumbass News was being read by idiots nice folks in 142 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don’t remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.

So now, New Zealand, it’s your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!

You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.

Read the rest…

 

Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into an elderly woman's living room. Photo / File

Untitled

At last count, Dumbass News was being read by idiots nice folks in 142 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don’t remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.

So now, New Zealand, it’s your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!

You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.

Read the rest…

 

Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into an elderly woman's living room. Photo / File

Guy Blows 3 Times DUI Limit & Pees on Breathalyzer!

Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into an elderly woman's living room. Photo / File
***Photo from NZ Herald***

At last count, Dumbass News was being read by idiots nice folks in 142 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don’t remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.

So now, New Zealand, it’s your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!

You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.

Drunk Driving

On the surface this story appears to be a fairly routine drunk driving story. But if you dig a little deeper, you get the details that qualify this tale as a bit, shall we say, “unique”? No we shall not say “unique”, we shall say stoopid as fuck.

Not only did the Dumbass in Question, 26 year old Ryan Scott Thompson of Christchurch, get wasted and drive an automobile, he drove said automobile into an old woman’s house scaring the poor lady out of her wits. Luckily there were some neighbors who witnessed the accident and were able to come to the aid of the Little Old Lady and subdue the suspect until the cops got to the scene.
The New Zealand Herald picks up the story from there, “Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into Dawn Sanders’ living room where she had been sitting moments earlier just after 10pm on July 23.

He pleaded guilty to all charges at his first appearance in the district court and was fined and ordered to pay $1500 in “emotional harm” reparation to Mrs Sanders
Neighbours who rushed to Mrs Sanders’ aid detained the grossly intoxicated but uninjured Thompson until police arrived.
Police said he was unable to walk unaided or coherently answer questions.

After Thompson recorded a breath-alcohol reading of 1137mcg/L (Ed.- which means “drunk as fuck” in the American version) at the police station, a police officer was completing paperwork when he heard the sound of running water, according to the summary of facts.”

That sound of running water? Thompson was caught pissing on the breathalyzer tubes at the police station! Now, to my way of thinking, taking a leak anywhere but in the Toilet at the Cop Shop precludes any claim of innocence or police misconduct. In other words, you have been busted, Dumbass! The Herald adds, “The 301 contaminated tubes had to be destroyed. (Ed.- Ya think?!)

Thompson admitted drinking and driving but was unable to offer any explanation. He was taken to Christchurch for detoxification.
Judge Graham Hubble disqualified Thompson from driving for nine months on the excess breath-alcohol charge and a concurrent three months on the careless use count.
He was fined $200 for wilful damage.”

Questions and Comments Abound

  • “Disqualified from driving” for nine months? WTF? The guy blew a “drunk as fuck” on the Breathalyzer for Christchurch’s sake! He ought to be disqualified from doing anything but nine months of Kiwi Prison Bitchery. In a homo prison.
  • Aside form the fact that the Dumbass crashed into a house, the dude nearly killed a Little Old Lady in the process, and he gets fined $1500? You’re kidding, right, Judge Hubble? Right?
  • The Kiwis ain’t nearly as Bad Ass as the Aussies. 
  • The “sound of running water” is too fucking funny.
  • Pissin’ on the Drunk Detectors is also too fucking funny.

So, my dear Kiwi Dumbasses, you may now bask in your moment of glory. You have officially made it to Big Time when you have made it to Dumbass News. And when I say “Big Time” I mean you have hit rock bottom.

For your self-esteem and emotional well-being (and the fact that Judge Hubble still has a job) you should do your penance by donating a large sum of money through the PayPal Donate Button in the right sidebar to Dumbass News. I’ll fly down and have a nice long talk with Judge Hubble. Over a couple of beers of course.

I know it would make me feel better. And “drunk as fuck”.

Dumbasses.