Monthly Archives: September 2012

Dumbass Gets Woke Up, Assaults Neighbor

What are you like when you wake up? Or better yet, what are you like when you get woke up?

Me?

If I am allowed to sleep until I am ready (or need to) get up, I am generally not too hard to get along with. But wake me up, especially for something that I think is silly, and look out! I am a 5’4″, 140 pound grizzly bear. Well, I would be if grizzly bears were 5’4″, 140.

My point is that some of us wake up and hit the floor running with a smile on our faces, while others of us ain’t so pleasant to be around upon awakening.

Our Dumbass of the Day fits into the latter category.

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Gets Awakened, Assaults Neighbor

What are you like when you wake up? Or better yet, what are you like when you get woke up?

Me?

If I am allowed to sleep until I am ready (or need to) get up, I am generally not too hard to get along with. But wake me up, especially for something that I think is silly, and look out! I am a 5’4″, 140 pound grizzly bear. Well, I would be if grizzly bears were 5’4″, 140.

My point is that some of us wake up and hit the floor running with a smile on our faces, while others of us ain’t so pleasant to be around upon awakening.

Our Dumbass of the Day fits into the latter category.


Sawin’ Logs…ZZZZZZZZZZ

Justin Michael Byars got arrested for waking up in a lousy mood the other day. Really. He did.

Justin was sleeping when a neighbor came by and knocked on his door, thus waking him up. Justin was not amused. Later that day Justin, after stewing over the situation for a while, went to the neighbor’s house, barge him, beat him up and threw him into an aquarium!

While this is a highly effective method of kicking somebody’s ass, it is not recommended as a means of getting even just because you got woke up from your beauty sleep. The Newport News, VA PD agrees with me.

Justin got himself thrown in the slammer over the attack.

E.R. Visit

I have never been assaulted and slammed into an aquarium before, but I am fairly certain that there are much better things to be hurled into. Like a mattress, for example.

The victim of Justin’s tirade, whose name has not been released, was taken to the emergency room by another friend and he (the victim) received a shit load of stitches for his injuries and then notified The Fuzz.

The guy was lucky that he wasn’t more seriously injured.

Wake Me Up Gently 

I’m not saying that I would toss someone into an aquarium for waking me up in a manner that I found annoying, but I would not be above shoving an alarm clock up their ass. Waaayyy up their ass. That’s just how I roll.

Moral to the Story: Wake ’em up gently. Aquariums are expensive, not to mention sharp as a knife when shattered to smithereens, and alarm clocks are not easily passed through one’s anal cavity. At least not when coming back out.

I’m just sayin’.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Bank Robber & the Getaway Bus

I know that no member of this blog has any sort of legal woes in his or her past. After all, you are dumbasses and dumbasses never have run ins with the law. Can you believe that I wrote that with a straight face? Let’s say for the sake of argument that you were the mastermind of a planned bank robbery. Assuming that you actually went into the bank, handed the teller a note demanding money and she complied and you haul ass out the door. What’s the next logical step in this plan? Yes! Making a clean getaway! Hopefully in a very fast getaway car. Believe it or not, a dumbass crook in Dayton, Ohio pulled off the bank robbery and was making a … s…l…o…w getaway.

Let me splain.

 

The Bank Robber & the Getaway Bus

Best of Dumbass News

I know that no member of this blog has any sort of legal woes in his or her past. After all, you are dumbasses and dumbasses never have run ins with the law. Can you believe that I wrote that with a straight face? Let’s say for the sake of argument that you were the mastermind of a planned bank robbery. Assuming that you actually went into the bank, handed the teller a note demanding money and she complied and you haul ass out the door. What’s the next logical step in this plan? Yes! Making a clean getaway! Hopefully in a very fast getaway car. Believe it or not, a dumbass crook in Dayton, Ohio pulled off the bank robbery and was making a … s…l…o…w getaway.

Let me splain.

Getaway Bus

Catching the 3:15

Dumbass bank robber, Lonnie Johnson, is the above-mentioned crook in Dayton. he made the heist, ran outside, went down the street two blocks from the bank and wait…for…it…stood in line to board a bus!!! The bus came Lonnie got on it and he was home free! Not really, I made that home free part up. In the meantime, the cops had arrived at the bank and interviewed some people and some of them witnessed Lonnie board the bus. At this point, the police obtained information on the bus’ route and simply followed the route , caught up with the bus and  arrested Lonnie while he was still in his seat. What a dumbass.

Not that I am planning a career change to become a bank robber, but as a public service to any and all bank robbers reading this blog, I feel obligated to point out some flaws in Lonnie’s attempted robbery. First of all, if you plan on fleeing on foot for any portion of your getaway, it would be much better if you ran for more than two blocks from the bank. Second, don’t stop and wait for a bus! It is a well-known fact that 99% of all the best bank robbers use really fast cars or maybe even motorcycles to effect a successful, at least in the beginning of the getaway process, escape from the authorities. Public transportation is notoriously slow and not on schedule and this will hamper even your best efforts to give the heat the slip, leading to a long period of incarceration at the nearest Federal Prison, maybe even with our man Lonnie.

Dumbass.

Girl Beats Up Dude Who Won’t Give Her "Some"

Best of Dumbass News

WARNING! Probably NSFW! Be On The Lookout for the Boss!

Yearning for Freedom…And BOB

Sex. Three little letters with such a profound meaning. Or result. Or consequences. Or something. “Normal” people, and Dumbasses too, need, want and crave sex. Having said that, however, there are limits to which a Dumbass (including for the sake of brevity and my poor typing skillz, henceforth, “normal” people too) wanting to get laid must adhere to. Period. There’s another small but powerful word for sexual overtures that are either unwanted or unwelcome. That word is RAPE. Unless you are a sexual deviant, or from Iran, but I digress, rough sex is a no no. End of story. No ifs, ands or unwanted spankings.

99.999999999% of criminal complaints about forced sex have men as the perpetrator. There are, however, some rare cases that involve women as the aggressor in these situations. Yes, I’m looking at you sex-starved hottie school teachers who coerce some lucky 16 year old bastard poor young man into a game of hide the Teenie Weenie with promises of better grades at school and daily blowjobs.

Today’s story is one in which the young lady is the horny bimbo going to extreme measures in order to do the Horizontal Hula.

Gettin’ Rough

1664.81 miles from my house to Miami in the FLA, is a little hot tamale named Inez Nunez who is your normal, every day 18 year old nymphomaniac. I mean, this girl wanted her boyfriend to lay the chorizo to her in the worst way. Simply put, the bitch was as horny as a two peckered billy goat.

Sadly for Inez, her novio ( little Espanol lingo there meaning boyfriend) was not in the mood to play esconda la salchicha or as we gringos say, hide the weenie. After much pillow talk, pleading and weenie massaging, Inez’s efforts remained fruitless. This is when she resorted to a more “persuasive” method of getting porked. She began to beat the shit out of her boyfriend! To my way of thinking, having a woman stomp a mud hole in me is not what I would call sexually stimulating. A felony perhaps, but it ain’t no way to make Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm stand at attention. But that’s just how I roll.

Exercising Restraint

Miraculously, somehow the boyfriend had enough snap about him to not retaliate against Inez as she continued to slap him upside the head. Not so miraculously, Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm had decided that standing at attention was not in the cards at this point. Poor Inez. if only she had a Battery Operated Boyfriend (BOB), this whole unfortunate incident would have never come about. Now that I think about it, if she did have a BOB and used it in a Lesbian Porn Flick kind of way, she prolly would have laid, fried, ti-died and put to the side. Willie and the boyfriend might, just might, mind you, have been properly encouraged to participate in a little Mattress Mambo. Alas, it was not to be. The mood was ruined when the ass-kickin’ started. And when the cops arrived.

Ruined Mood

As Fate would have it, the roll in the hay that Inez wanted, nay, craved, and turned into something quite different that she had hoped for. Instead of getting pounded like a cheap steak, she was on her way to the Broward County Center for Horny Bitches Who Assault Their Lovers To Get a Little Pokey Pokey. On the bright side of things, I’ll bet you a nickel that Inez will get plenty of attention from some of her new friends in the lockup. No BOB necessary, batteries not included and some assembly required.

All this bullshit just to get some.

Inez is a cute young felon and I feel in my heart of hearts that she could have found some studly young man to fulfill her “needs” if she had just tried. Her boyfriend is obviously a Justin Bieber fan who couldn’t, or wouldn’t, nail Jessica Alba if she was the one beating him like a red headed step child. But that, of course, is purely speculative. His being a pussy, on the other hand, is not.

Closing Arguments

Actually, I have no argument to make here, but this is the closing of this tale of the wrong pussy getting beat up, right? Besides, I was a PreLaw Major (Dropout) in college, so I like to say “closing arguments” whenever I can.

Conclusions: Inez committed a felony and still didn’t get hammered, the boyfriend is a pussy and Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm is still in hiding. What a sad ending to a potentially terrific Porn Flick to Be.

I’ll be taking up a Batteries for BOB Fund Raiser for Inez so she’ll be “armed and dangerous”, IYKWIMAITYD, when she gets paroled. Send all donations through the PayPal “Donate” button in the right side bar. It’s the least I could do for Inez. And BOB.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Uses Bulldozer to Steal His Own Truck!

Wooooohooooo! Another Dumbass on a Bulldozer story!

Just in case you missed the first Dumbass on a Bulldozer story, it was a humdinger! It’s the tale of a Dumbass driving a bulldozer while drunk!

Now that you have been regaled with that story, let’s move on to today’s Dumbass News.

The Choice of Dumbasses Everywhere

The Relationship Between Dumbasses & Bulldozers 

Why is it that Dumbasses have forged such a bond with bulldozers? Is there something about earth-moving equipment that calls to Dumbasses in a paranormal kind of way? “Come to me! You belong with me. Let’s commit felonies together!”, the bulldozer plaintively calls.

Is that it? Why the attraction?

It’s because we are dealing with the shallow end of the gene pool here, i.e., Dumbasses! What the hell did you think it was, Dumbass? I ain’t Dr. Phil here, trying to dig deep into the psyche of Dumbasses. I know Dumbasses! I am one of them! Their Fearless Leader. Without the bulldozer fetish.

But, I digress.

Picking Up His Car 

Donald Smith II of Bear, Delaware had taken his pick up truck to a auto repair shop in New Castle to have some shit done to it and had planned to pick it up when the work was completed. Problem is that Donald did not have the cash flow to pay the repairman for services rendered. Therefore, and rightly so, the mechanic held on the Don’s truck until the bill was paid.

Donald couldn’t wait that long.

So he somehow commandeered a front end loader and went straight to the repair shop to get his truck. Without permission. Late at night. On the bulldozer. 

Donald then hoisted his truck up in the air with the bucket of the front end loader! It may be just me, but the sight of a pick up truck in the bucket of a front end loader is not a normal thing. Even in Bear, Delaware.

Anyway, the shop owner saw all this going on and he called the cops, whom Donald Smith II led on a half-hour low speed chase down a highway then through a neighborhood and a cornfield. The Fuzz apprehended Donald when he drove the bulldozer, truck and all, into a retaining pond.

Donald was arrested and charged with all kinds of good stuff that should lead to at least a short stay in a Delaware Prison.

All of this unnecessary trouble when simply paying the repair bill or even working out a payment arrangement with the shop owner would have been the easiest way to take care of bidness.

But, the hypnotic call of the bulldozer was too much for Donald Smith II.

Dumbass.

Restaurant Gets Bad Review, Owner Creates Sex Site Profile in Reviewer’s Name!

From HuffPo via the Ottawa Citizen:

Let’s play “Make Believe”.

Let’s pretend that you are a restaurant owner and you give what a customer decides is lousy service and a sub par meal. That’s the customer’s right. It is also the right of the customer in question to post an online review of said lousy service and meal. What would you do in such a case?

I know what Marisol Simoes did. She created a profile of the customer on a sex site!

Nothing good can come of this as Ms. Simoes learned. The hard way.

Read the rest…..

Marisol Simoes Mambo Restaurant