Best of Dumbass News
|Useful Crime Fighting Tool|
99.9% of the time exposing the dumbassery around us is a labor of love for me and I find it quite enjoyable and somewhat therapeutic. But! The other 0.1% of the time, shedding light on such stoopidshittedness is a painful thing for me. Alas, today is one of those extremely difficult occasions that fall into that 0.1%. No matter how excruciating it may be, I am duty bound by my obligation as Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde to bring you all dumbassery, no matter its source.
I hate the word “disclaimer”. So many times it means nothing more than wussing out. For example, when you are watching TV and you see a commercial for, let’s say, a weight loss product. The announcer excitedly tells heavy folks that “The Skinny Pill” is nothing short of miraculous as the video of the ad shows “Sandy T.” from Salt Lake City holding the size 83 pants she wore before taking “The Skinny Pill’. Sandy T. from SLC then drops the size 83s to reveal a babe who is now a size 0 (zero)! “The Skinny Pill” really is a miracle of modern science! Or maybe not. While Sandy T. may have lost a ton or two, if you look at the fine print at the bottom of your screen as the commercial runs, you’ll see phrases like “not typical results” and “use The Skinny Pill as part of an exercise and diet program in consultation with your doctor”. “The Skinny Pill” may indeed help fat people lose weight, but there’s a lot more to slimming down than you actually hear in the ad’s audio.
That fine print that reveals “The Skinny Pill” as a small component of weight loss is called a “disclaimer”. Or as I like to call it, “The Wussing Out Clause”. Do you now understand why I despise the word “disclaimer”? It’s a wussy word.
I Hate This Part
Having said all that, I must now swallow a bitter pill and issue a disclaimer of my own. (Damn, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth)
What I am about to write is in no way, shape or form meant to be derogatory to law enforcement personnel anywhere in this country. I am merely sharing with you a story that shows that cops are human beans too and are prone to do stoopid shit just like the rest of us. In cases like this, it is imperative that I report as fully and accurately as possible on the facts of the dumbassery you are about to witness. Dumbassery committed by cops.
So, let’s see what these dumbass lawmen did! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!
The Sting That Wasn’t
I can only imagine the amount of detailed planning that goes into a police raid intended to catch some real bad people. Although, by the time I am done with this story, I may learn firsthand how much detailed planning goes into one of these raids.
Down in Massivetwoshits (that would be where Boston is), a group of highly trained men with the most advanced technology in the world at their disposal, were seconds away from executing a meticulously conceived law enforcement operation designed to capture a very bad man. There they stood, just outside the location where they would burst in screaming like a pack of hyenas with bottle rockets shoved in their asses (the hyenas, not the cops….geez), carrying weapons that cause mere mortals to poop their pants when confronted with them, then grabbing the bad guy and Justice would be served.
This team of men, among the best in the world at what they do, carried out their mission without a hitch. Except for one thing. They raided the wrong place! Holy cow! For about 45 minutes, the cops detained a woman, while her 3 year old daughter cried in another room, before realizing that WOOPS!, missed it by that much! The guy they were looking for was in an apartment a few doors down. So, like true professionals, the fuzz apologized to the lady, went on about their business and later busted the real criminal.
What to Do?
A situation like this is kind of like toothpaste that’s been squeezed out of the tube. It’s out and it ain’t going back in. What else could the law guys do? The mess had been made and they didn’t have any toothpaste left. All they could do was go get a “new tube of toothpaste”, meaning rectify the dumbassery at hand and do what they had set out to do: get the bad guy. Or they could’ve ordered pizza and beer and stayed put. Naaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.
This story just goes to prove that even the most qualified, best equipped, best prepared and bravest among us can sometimes be no higher up the Ladder of Evolution than the lowest of the low, the most pitiful of the pitiful or even the Fwench. Yes, friends, this group of special men can, just like the rest of us, be….
Is that a knock at my door? Nevermind. The guy at the door had the wrong apartment. 🙂