From November 14, 2011
A recent story published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has inadvertently given us the weapon we need to effectively end the war on terror! We, the USA, have spent hundreds of billions of dollars on weapons systems so technologically advanced that we were blinded by the obvious. Animals. Yes, those animals. Let me splain.
The Splainin’ Part
|Lookin’ for Love|
The JSM released the results of recent study that concluded that men who have sex with animals (yes, those animals) are twice as likely as men who don’t boff our furry friends to get penis cancer. Until I read this article, I had never heard of cancer of the weenie. Gazebo cancer, sure, but never cancer of Mr. Willy. The Huffington Post ran the story in more detail, but I don’t care about that shit. But I will pull a couple of quotes from it in a bit.
First, as you can imagine, I have some questions about this study. Who the hell would even think of doing such a study? Some dumbass Brazilian doctor that’s who. Brazilians are sick bastards sure, but a study about slippin’ the sausage to cocker spaniels? That’s just fucking wrong. In order to conduct this study, Dr. Zequi (the Head Man Fucking Animal Observer) needed funding from somewhere. But from where? Private donations? Taxpayers? Gubmint grants? Can and bottle deposits? Inquiring dumbasses want to know dammit!
Now to the perhaps the most obvious and important question regarding screwing beasts of burden. Actually, it’s a two parted entreaty. Part 1: What in the name of all that is Holy would give somebody the idea to study men critter-boinking aardvarks? Was Dr. Z sound asleep one night and suddenly leapt out of bed and shout, “Eureka! For my next project I am going to do a study on human-animal sex and the possibility that it could cause cancer of the schlong!”
Part 2: Where did the good doctor find volunteers for this idiocy? San Francisco? Prison? The Home for the Criminally Insane? PETA? It couldn’t have been an easy task to find men willing to go through with it. Except in San Francisco.
Concerned citizens were very active in giving advice to animal pokin’ men. Take, for instance, a HuffPo reader that is all about mad monkey sex…literally. Here’s a portion of his email to HuffnPuff “A member of a pro-zoophilia group told The Huffington Post by email that the results of the study should prompt people to take precautions, like using a condom, when having sex with animals. She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. “They might become more cautious,” said Sallie Graves, “but they wouldn’t change their nature.” That’s your typical PuffHo patron right there, folks. I would throw caution into the wind and bet a dollar to a donut that this particular emailer will not be voting Republican in the next presidential election. I have a real good joke to insert here but it’s pretty out there, so I’ll just give you a hint about it instead. Zoophilia, Obama, the First Wookie. I’m just sayin’.
War on Terror
I started this post off with a deal to end the war on terror. I have expertly lead you this far to get the answer with my unassailable logic and reasoning and because you are dumbass enough to read this far. Anyway…Through anecdotal evidence, we have learned that terrorists are very “friendly” with their farm animals. I have actually seen a video from an American fighter jet on a sortee to bomb the shit out of the bad guys one night and through their FLIR (Forward Looking Infrared Radar) camera they caught a bad guy getting penis cancer from a donkey! If you know what I mean and I think you do. So the end of the War on Terror would come about in no time if we just dropped millions of packets of Viagra to the Splodey Dopes. They take the tool hardener and all of the sudden old Bessie the milk cow is lookin’ pretty. Damn. Good. A romantic evening ensues, the dirty deed is done and the dumbass bad guy has dick cancer! Soon, his willie will fall off, he’ll die a slow, painful, miserable death and Satan will welcome him to his 72
raisins virgins. Is that a brilliant plan or what?
There is one slight problem with my plan to win the War on Terror, however. A survey of horny Iranian men concluded that out of every ten, only two preferred women. Camels beware!