Monthly Archives: December 2012

Uniquely American New Year’s Celebrations

As we bid a fond adieu to 2012 and welcome the arrival 2013, I thought that this would be a great occasion to celebrate the New Year with some of the more unusual New Year’s festivities from around the United States. And believe you me, there are some doozies out there. 

Through the use of my mastery of Google-Fu, I found some unique ways that Americans say goodbye to the Old Year and howdy to the New Year.

For Example…

And last, but certainly not least, in my wife’s hometown of Eastport, Maine (The Easternmost City in the USA):

  • The Great Sardine Drop – This year end festival is an international event featuring the Maple Leaf Drop honoring the arrival of the New Year an hour earlier in the neighboring Canadian province of New Brunswick. 

How will you be celebrating the transition from 2012 to 2013? We’d love to know, so leave us a comment and tell us about your plans!

We’ll see you in 2013!

Happy New Year!



Sliced, Weaponized & Injected: Dumbass Dongs of 2012

Penises were big in 2012.

That’s not to say that penises were large, but big, as in big news. Penises attached to Dumbasses were especially big this year. Again, we are not talking about gargantuan male appendages, but the ding dongs that made Dumbass News in 2012.

This is why I feel compelled to include a special penis category in the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards.

Fellow Dumbasses, I now present to you the Biggest Dumbass Dicks of 2012.

Read the rest…

Sliced, Weaponized & Injected: Dumbass Dongs of 2012

Penises were big in 2012.

That’s not to say that penises were large, but big, as in big news. Penises attached to Dumbasses were especially big this year. Again, we are not talking about gargantuan male appendages, but the ding dongs that made Dumbass News in 2012.

This is why I feel compelled to include a special penis category in the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards.

Fellow Dumbasses, I now present to you the Biggest Dumbass Dicks of 2012.


The nominees: 

1) Guy Pokes Other Wimmin, Pays for It w/His Penis This is the story of a Chinese Guy who put his pee pee into several vajayjays. So what, you say. I’ll tell you so what. These vajayjays were spoken for. In other words, the Chinese Guy was poking other men’s vajayjays. In retaliation, the Other Men did something really mean to the Chinese Guy. Read the story. I ain’t givin’ away the ending, Dumbass.
 2) Several times every day on TV you will see a commercial for a “male enhancement” product. There’s good ol’ Smilin’ Bob, my personal favorite, and a bunch of others that I can’t remember right now, but they’re out there, trust me. There is, however, one miracle product available in the grocery aisle of your local super market that will make your ding dong the size of Seabucuit’s with just a few applications! Thai men with teenie weenies have been using this method of dick-biggening for generations! Just what is this amazing cure for small schlongs? Olive oil! Olive oil injections, to be precise. 

3) Mauled by Man Meat – What happens when a woman’s estranged husband comes over to her house, offers her money for sex and she refuses? He pulls out his pee pee and slaps her with it!

While having your penis sliced off for screwing other men’s wimmin is quite admirable, and assaulting your wife with your dick is certainly a novel way to end up in jail, there’s just something about injecting a Mediterranean cooking oil into your member that screams I am the Biggest Dumbass Dick of 2012! 

The competition was stiff, but we were able to name a clear weiner, I mean winner, of this year’s Biggest Dumbass Dick Award.


Now, about that olive oil thing…..

Dumbasses.

    More “Dummies”: The Flaming Dumbass Award for 2012!

    Some men are born into Dumbassery, others have it thrust upon them.

    The overwhelming majority of the stories on Dumbass News are about idiots who are natural born Dumbasses – people who come into the world with the Dumbass Gene embedded in their DNA. Other stories usually involve people who are suddenly eat up with a bad case of Dumbass-itis and something, shall we say “out of the ordinary”, happens. It is these Dumbasses that we will honor today.

    Read the rest…

    More "Dummies": The Flaming Dumbass Award for 2012!

    Some men are born into Dumbassery, others have it thrust upon them.

    The overwhelming majority of the stories on Dumbass News are about idiots who are natural born Dumbasses – people who come into the world with the Dumbass Gene embedded in their DNA. Other stories usually involve people who are suddenly eat up with a bad case of Dumbass-itis and something, shall we say “out of the ordinary”, happens. It is these Dumbasses that we will honor today.

    The 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards are proud to present the nominees for the first-ever Flaming Dumbass Award!

    May I have the fire resistant envelope, please…

    I am proud to announce the winner of the 2012 Flaming Dumbass Award…

    Using a Blow Torch to Rid Your House of Spiders! (And Yourself of a House) Guy! Such a simple task, yet such disastrous results. Let this story, and by extension this award, be a reminder that an attack of Dumbass-itis can unexpectedly hit anybody at anytime.

    If you find yourself the victim of Sudden Dumbass-itis Syndrome there are some steps you can take to minimize, or even avoid, the negative impact this malady can inflict upon you and your loved ones.

    1. Don’t create a Facebook account.
    2. Practice tampon control. Realize that feminine hygiene products are possessed by agents of Satan.
    3. Dispose of all flammable materials in your house.
    4. Avoid matches and lighters at all costs.
    5. Do not incinerate household pests with blow torches when a rolled up newspaper will do the trick.
    6. If you fail to heed the warnings of the tips above, for the sake of all that is Holy, DO NOT procreate. Dumbass-itis is hereditary. We certainly don’t need another generation of human beans that carry your DNA. There are too many Liberals in our country right now. 
    7. In regards to Number 6: where’s my blow torch?

    Dumbasses.

    Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass!

    Let’s play a game of “pretend”.

    Let’s pretend that you are being chased by “drug cartel agents” and a pack of vicious drug cartel agent dogs. Let’s pretend that you are scared shitless and your only recourse to save your ass from these evil, bloodthirsty bad guys and their hounds from Hell is to break into a nearby house.

    Now that you are safely out of harm’s way inside some nice person’s house, what do you do? You call 9-1-1! On yourself!

    Read the rest…

    2012 Dummy Awards: Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass

    Let’s play a game of “pretend”.

    Let’s pretend that you are being chased by “drug cartel agents” and a pack of vicious drug cartel agent dogs. Let’s pretend that you are scared shitless and your only recourse to save your ass from these evil, bloodthirsty bad guys and their hounds from Hell is to break into a nearby house.

    Now that you are safely out of harm’s way inside some nice person’s house, what do you do? You call 9-1-1! On yourself!

    We Deliver

    Wait! We don’t have to pretend! This actually happened! SPOILER ALERT! 1…2…3…END OF SPOILER ALERT! The Dumbass who pulled this stunt was soon greeted by a pair of very nice Bangor (Maine) police officers and was subsequently introduced to the Penobscot County Jail for the Criminally Dumbass.

    The lesson we can all take away from this incident is that 9-1-1 is to be utilized for emergency situations only.

    The entrants for the next Dummy in our search for the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award winner would beg to differ.

    Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass
    There was no shortage of contenders for this category of the Dummies. That is evidenced by the fact that the Dumbass in the story above isn’t even nominated for the award.

    Those who made the cut…

    • John R. of Chicago – Big John got tanked up on some cheap hooch and called 9-1-1 and politely invited some of Chi-town’s Finest over for a good ole country ass kickin’. The Police were not amused.
    • 9-1-1 for Sex Caller – In late August I wrote about a horny Dumbass down in Tampa who dialed 9-1-1 and asked the operator for a blow job. Not a good idea.
    • Beer Delivery Through 9-1-1 – Enough said.

    And the winner of the 2012 Dummy Award for Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass is…

    The Dumbass who called 9-1-1 for beer delivery!

    Folks, anybody can dial up 9-1-1 and ask for a blow job or get drunk and call ’em up and threaten to kick the cops’ asses, but it takes a special kind of Dumbass to place an order for beer through Emergency Services. The level of sheer unmitigated gall to do something this fucking stoopid is, in and of itself, brilliant!

    As a Former Professional Drinker, I bow before the Funky Old Dude who let his drunk ass fingers do the walkin’.

    Dumbass.