Dumbass News has gained
tens hundreds of new readers over the course of the last couple of months. This may come as a surprise to many of you, but it doesn’t surprise me at all. Do you realize how many Dumbasses there are in the world? Simple math, and a shit load of shameless blog pimpin’ on Twitter, dictate that this was bound to happen. Something about the law of supply and demand. The Good Lord supplies the Dumbasses and I demand that they read this blog. See? The shit works out right.
Attention Dumbasses around the World! The moment you both have been waiting for is here! Despite the public outcry and against the advice of the Dumbass News legal staff, Dewey, Cheatum and Howe (Home Office, Tijuana, Baja Califonia, Mexico), It is now time to announce the “winner” of the very first Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award! What an occasion! What an extravaganza! What a steaming pile!
This was one of the most difficult projects that I have ever undertaken while sober. The mere volume of posts featuring some of the most mentally challenged people on Earth in and of itself was a bit overwhelming. Having to decide which dumbass is worthy of such a prestigious honor as the Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award was a responsibility I did not take lightly. How could I take it lightly? I was fucking sober for Gawd’s sake! I was that serious about this thing. Of course if I had been blasted it would have been much more enjoyable, but I am reformed Professional Drinker, so that was out of the question. A little “Latin Lettuce” on the other hand….:)
The Final Four
Once I got through the over 400 dumbasses to choose from, the following four stood on their own merits as head and shoulders above the rest. Not so coincidently, each of the four were among the most-read posts of 2011. If you folks weren’t dumbasses I’d swear you knew what you doing in making them so popular. But you are and I won’t. Dumbasses.
The Last Dumbasses Standing are…
Courtney Love – For snorting Kurt Cobain’s cremated remains when a good line of cocaine would have been much more rewarding. Stoopid bitch.
Dwarf Tossers – Dwarf tossers are the backbone of American Dumbassery. They are living proof that this country is all about having the right to not only become filthy rich and a dumbass, but also the right to be as big a dumbass as you can possibly make yourself. This is what separates us from European Pussy Dumbasses, Muslim Extremists and Commies. God bless America!
Five Day Cell Phone Guy – This guy spent five days “stranded” on an island off the California coast with his cell phone and a strong connection to a near-by cell tower without once trying to use his phone to call for help. Until the fifth day!
Assault With Deer Antlers – A touching romantic story about a couple of dumbasses that get into a fight and the dumbass lady ends up trying to gore the guy with a mounted deer head. I think they are from my wife’s side of the family. Yankees are weird like that. I’m just sayin’.
The Big Moment!
Can I have a drum roll please?!! It is with great pleasure , reverence for the late Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) and deep humility, not to mention a couple of shots of Nyquil because my wife gave me the flu, I am happy to announce the winner of the Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award for 2011!!! The winner iiiiissssssssss…….
….Five Day Cell Phone Guy!!!! (wild applause and the sound of tops being screwed off of cheap wine bottles everywhere) Was there ever any doubt that the outcome would be anything but what it is? Hell no!! Any dumbass that is on an island with a cell phone and a good, strong signal and doesn’t think to try the phone to call for help for five days is the Dumbass of the Year every year in my book.
So congratulations Five Day Cell Phone Guy, and find a special spot on your fireplace mantle for the “You Big Dummy” trophy and soak up all the glory you so richly deserve as the winner of such a life changing honor. You have truly shown the world what being a dumbass is all about. And believe me my friend, you are a Dumbass with a capital “D”.
I look forward to hearing from you soon, Five Day Cell Phone Guy. Call me when you have the time between network TV and national radio show interviews. I am sure you have a good signal on your iPhone. I just thought I’d save you a few days by telling you that.
Of the Year.