Let’s play a game of “pretend”.
Let’s pretend that you are being chased by “drug cartel agents” and a pack of vicious drug cartel agent dogs. Let’s pretend that you are scared shitless and your only recourse to save your ass from these evil, bloodthirsty bad guys and their hounds from Hell is to break into a nearby house.
Now that you are safely out of harm’s way inside some nice person’s house, what do you do? You call 9-1-1! On yourself!
Wait! We don’t have to pretend! This actually happened! SPOILER ALERT! 1…2…3…END OF SPOILER ALERT! The Dumbass who pulled this stunt was soon greeted by a pair of very nice Bangor (Maine) police officers and was subsequently introduced to the Penobscot County Jail for the Criminally Dumbass.
The lesson we can all take away from this incident is that 9-1-1 is to be utilized for emergency situations only.
The entrants for the next Dummy in our search for the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award winner would beg to differ.
Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass
There was no shortage of contenders for this category of the Dummies. That is evidenced by the fact that the Dumbass in the story above isn’t even nominated for the award.
Those who made the cut…
- John R. of Chicago – Big John got tanked up on some cheap hooch and called 9-1-1 and politely invited some of Chi-town’s Finest over for a good ole country ass kickin’. The Police were not amused.
- 9-1-1 for Sex Caller – In late August I wrote about a horny Dumbass down in Tampa who dialed 9-1-1 and asked the operator for a blow job. Not a good idea.
- Beer Delivery Through 9-1-1 – Enough said.
And the winner of the 2012 Dummy Award for Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass is…
The Dumbass who called 9-1-1 for beer delivery!
Folks, anybody can dial up 9-1-1 and ask for a blow job or get drunk and call ’em up and threaten to kick the cops’ asses, but it takes a special kind of Dumbass to place an order for beer through Emergency Services. The level of sheer unmitigated gall to do something this fucking stoopid is, in and of itself, brilliant!
As a Former Professional Drinker, I bow before the Funky Old Dude who let his drunk ass fingers do the walkin’.