Some men are born into Dumbassery, others have it thrust upon them.
The overwhelming majority of the stories on Dumbass News are about idiots who are natural born Dumbasses – people who come into the world with the Dumbass Gene embedded in their DNA. Other stories usually involve people who are suddenly eat up with a bad case of Dumbass-itis and something, shall we say “out of the ordinary”, happens. It is these Dumbasses that we will honor today.
The 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards are proud to present the nominees for the first-ever Flaming Dumbass Award!
- Flaming Tampon Attack! This story first graced the pages of Dumbass News last January. I can’t think of a better way to kick off a new year than with a post about a couple of Dumbasses trying to commit a felony with a Tampon Torch. Absolutely beautiful.
- Using a Blow Torch to Rid Your House of Spiders! (And Yourself of a House) – Maybe the next time spiders infest this Dumbass’ house, he’ll do something sensible. Like, oh, I don’t know, call a fucking exterminator perhaps!
- Unfriending on Facebook: A Leading Cause of Arson! – I’d hate to see what unfollowing on Twitter would lead to.
May I have the fire resistant envelope, please…
I am proud to announce the winner of the 2012 Flaming Dumbass Award…
Using a Blow Torch to Rid Your House of Spiders! (And Yourself of a House) Guy! Such a simple task, yet such disastrous results. Let this story, and by extension this award, be a reminder that an attack of Dumbass-itis can unexpectedly hit anybody at anytime.
If you find yourself the victim of Sudden Dumbass-itis Syndrome there are some steps you can take to minimize, or even avoid, the negative impact this malady can inflict upon you and your loved ones.
- Don’t create a Facebook account.
- Practice tampon control. Realize that feminine hygiene products are possessed by agents of Satan.
- Dispose of all flammable materials in your house.
- Avoid matches and lighters at all costs.
- Do not incinerate household pests with blow torches when a rolled up newspaper will do the trick.
- If you fail to heed the warnings of the tips above, for the sake of all that is Holy, DO NOT procreate. Dumbass-itis is hereditary. We certainly don’t need another generation of human beans that carry your DNA. There are too many Liberals in our country right now.
- In regards to Number 6: where’s my blow torch?