Monthly Archives: January 2013

Nekkid House Cleaning, Texas Style!

Lubbock, Texas. The Hub City. Located in the Llano Estacado (Staked Plains) of West Texas, Lubbock ain’t a bad little city. It’s home to Texas Tech University and the Red Raiders. I have been to Lubbock on a few occasions but not in many years. I remember it as a very conservative place where you actually had to leave the city limits to buy a six pack of beer. that may still be true, but Lubbock is a bit less conservative these days than way back then.

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Real Life Dumbass Addiction: Eating Cat Hair!

Two things up front.

  1. Today’s story is sickening. Not sickening like each of the other over 800 Dumbass News posts, I mean nauseatingly, projectile pukingly sickening. You have been warned.
  2. If the woman in this story isn’t named the winner of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award for 2013, I’ll kiss your ass in the middle of downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd.

Let the stomach churning begin!

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Dear Dead Guy, We Have a Check for You Signed, US Gubmint

Hey! I got my check, did you?

By many accounts, the stimulus package passed by the US Congress in February, 2009, has been an unmitigated dumbass move. Nineteen months after this monstrosity got the Congressional Okie Dokie, unemployment remains above 9.5 per cent, home foreclosures continue unabated and consumer confidence in the economy is almost nonexistent. How, oh, how could Congress frak things up any more than they already have? Just when you thought the answer was “things are FUBAR’ed”, our elected dumbasses come to the “resuce” with something even more stupid! Yes, America, members of our national government have been working overtime to figure out new ways to flush your tax dollars down the old crapper, and, dammit, they are doing a damn fine job of it.

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Budget Shortfall Solution? Dem Says “Tax Bicycles!”

Best of Dumbass News

Here we are in what is arguably the worst economic period in the United States since the Great Depression. Liberals, like the Dipshit in Chief, do what they do every time the economy turns even the least bit sour. They yell from the highest mountain top for higher taxes, especially on the rich. Despite having been proved a fallacy every time it’s been tried, Liberals continue to scream for more taxes. Sometimes, they refer to a new tax as a “fee”. It’s still a damned tax, dumbass! The latest liberal asswipe to want to confiscate more of your money is a Democrat (go figure) from New Jersey (go figure again) named Cleopatra Tucker of Essex, NJ.

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Dumbass Loses T-Shirt w/ His Photo On It at Crime Scene!

Best of Dumbass News

Over the course of the lifetime of this blog, we’ve had at least a couple of stories featuring dumbasses with tattoos have had run ins with the law. One dumbass thought he had won a radio station contest and had the station’s logo tattooed on his forehead. About a week ago we had another dumbass who committed a murder then had the facts of the killingtattooed all over his body! Today’s dumbass has taken a similar path to the Dumbass Zone.

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Liberal Weenie Doctors Slam Cheese…In Wisconsin!

There are certain truths in life that you just don’t mess around with. When in Texas, it’s a real bad idea to make fun of chili. In North Carolina, it’s not too smart to complain about pulled pork sandwiches. You don’t piss into the wind and another undeniable fact of life is that you do not bad mouth cheese in America’s Dairyland, Wisconsin. Let me splain.

There’s a group of doctors located near Green Bay (Go Pack!) who have gone and pissed in the Cheerios, or more accurately, cheese, of the fine, cheese-loving population of the state. This is not wise. I’d say it’s more, oh, what’s the word, dumbass. The Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine has put up a billboard near Title Town that blasphemes one of America’s favorite foods, cheese, and that has some folks pretty damn mad. Besides the usual “if you eat cheese you’ll die” bullshit, the billboard also features the Grim Reaper wearing a Cheesehead Hat. That’s one of those giant wedges of cheese that you see tens of thousands of fans wear at Lambeau Field during a Green Bay Packers game. (Go Pack!). It would be a better idea to call the Pope an atheist than to demean a Cheesehead hat in Green Bay. At least the Pope would forgive. Packers fans will not.

But, Toby, this group is made up of doctors, shouldn’t they know this stuff? Yes they are doctors and no they don’t necessarily know this stuff. This particular group of physicians is a bunch of Liberal do gooders that want to tell you how to live your life. Toby don’t play dat. And if they want to live at all, they should drop the billboard idea like the Packers front four drops an opposing quarterback – real quick. These dipshit docs are messing with lots of people who work in and around the cheese industry and by extension, messing with these same folks’ livelihood. Slick move ex Lax.

If this bunch of weenie yankers want to do the country a service, move to California and preach the gospel of why granola and the sissies that eat it are bad for the human race. They won’t fight back, but they just might scratch your eyes out, you meanies.

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Motor Sports: Hot Rod Hover Rounds!

There two kinds of dumbasses. Just your garden variety dumbass, and a dumbass with too much time on his hands. The subject of our story today falls into the “dumbass with too much time on his hands” category. His name is Colin Furze. What Colin does that makes him a dumbass with too much time on his hands is that he builds hot rod mobility scooters! And we thought the hot rod riding lawnmower guy was a dumbass.

By trade, Colin Furze is a plumber (insert jokes about turds, toilets and flushing here), a seemingly ordinary dumbass. But at night after work, by the light of the full moon, Furze transforms into a dumbass with too much time on his hands – kind of a dumbass Jekyll and Hyde. (OK, I made up the part about the full moon) Furze takes an ordinary Hover Round like Grandma and the two little old ladies at the Grand Canyon in the TV commercial use to get around, and turns them into hot rods! This dumbass has gone over 60 miles per hour on one of these things and has lived to tell about it. He wants to up the ante to the big seven-O, 70 mph in the near future. There’s nothing like a dumbass with a death wish.

Now, being of the inquisitive sort and a dumbass to boot, I have come to the conclusion that Furze is actually up to no good! It is my considered opinion that Furze is the mastermind behind a plan to take over America. Harsh words, I know, but please hear me out. Furze’s real plan is to distribute one of these hot rod Hover Rounds to every old fart in the United States! Just think of the chaos that would ensue! Why, there could even be the old people’s equivalent of the Hell’s Angels! Yes! This nation could very soon be facing an epidemic of old people doing God knows what in these souped up mobility scooters! Are we really ready for the Nightmares from the Nursing Home??!! There’s nothing in common sense nor the Constitution that would prevent us from eradicating this Mobility Menace from our midst! These Gear Grinding Grandparents have no place in civil society. As for their leader, Mr. Furze, the gallows are too good for him! His punishment should be no less than a lifetime banishment to France, where the women are hard to tell from the men and the sheep are nervous!

Rally behind this cause, America before it’s too late! Or meet me at the Augusta Raceway this Friday at 8PM for our first ever Hot Rod Hover Round Nationals, sponsored by Depends! Admission is $20 for adults, $15 for teens and kids under 12 get in free! Hey, a guy’s gotta make a buck somehow.

Dumbass.

**Photo by Geoff Robinson @ telegraph.co.uk**