After all the hoopla, anticipation and the requisite drama, we have made it. We have reached the apex of absurdity, the pinnacle of puerility, the summit of stupidity….OK, OK enough of the euphemisms.
It’s time for the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award!
Before we get to the nitty gritty, let me first thank all you Dumbasses from 154 countries around the world for a tremendous 2012 at Dumbass News. It’s your continued support and readership that keep this thing afloat. Without you, the Dumbass of the Year Award, would be just another cheap ass, attention-whore piece of metal like those fake ass Oscars, Tonys or Golden Globes. Anybody can win one of those things. The DOY is presented to an authentic Dumbass, not some goober pretending to be a Dumbass. The Dummy is as real as Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. So take that, Hollywood and Broadway! Buncha fuckin’ posers.
That said, let’s get down to bidness.
Finalists – 2012 Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award
After all the reading and re-reading and cussin’ and discussin’, here are the Best of the Worst Dumbasses for 2012 (in no particular order):
- Lady Poisons Boyfriend to Get His Attention – This is a love story like we’ve never before seen in the annals of Dumbass News. Some people pull foolish stunts or say something outrageous to garner favor from his or her beloved when he or she feels neglected or unnoticed. Others resort to attempted homicide.
- 30 Women Riot Over Facebook Comment – There are a lot of people who take what is written on social media like Facebook and Twitter very seriously. In one such case featured right here on Dumbass News, a simple “unfriending” on Facebook led to arson! Setting fire to a “friend’s” house is child’s play compared to the 30 broads who went on a rampage because of a single comment on Facebook! Hilarity and mayhem ensued.
- White Guy Goes to War, White Wife has Black Baby While He’s Gone! She Blames “Lifelike” 3D Porn Movie! – You. Can’t. Make. This. Shit. Up.
- Dumbass Cheats on Wife, Dies During Threesome! – Karma.
- Impotent Guy Pays Neighbor to Impregnate Wife! – Wait’ll you see the wife, guys. You’d pay the impotent guy to bone her! Yowsa! Oh, by the way, the guy who got paid to boink the hawt wife seventy-two times and make a baby? He was shootin’ blanks, too!
After much contemplative thought and critical deliberation, I have come to a decision. And it wasn’t easy.
The winner of the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award is…White Guy Goes to War, White Wife Has Black Baby While He’s Gone and Blames It On a “Lifelike” 3D Porn Flick! Folks, it takes some serious mental gymnastics to come up with a “blame it on a 3D skin flick” when you are busted like the wife in this story is. The one detail that put this story over the top, however, was the fact that the white guy who went to war and came home to a black baby actually believed this cock and bull nonsense!
That, my friends, is 100% Grade A Unadulterated Full Tilt Boogie Dumbassery Traveling at the Speed of Stoopid and the perfect way to end an exemplary year of Dumbass News. We can only hope that 2013 is as benevolent to us as 2012 was – in a Dumbass kind of way.
Happy New Year!