OK, you Dumbasses, here’s the deal: My 5 year old daughter is a sick little girl. Not “sick” like Daddy “sick”, but she’s ill with the flu or some shit and I’ve got to take her to the Doctor this morning.
The Doctor is in a town about 25 miles from the Dumbass Dome, so I won’t have time enough this morning to write a new story. Therefore, I’ll leave you some Old Shit about dog shit.
And Willie Nelson.
A Dumbass Success Story
Allow me to relate a story Willie Nelson once told me as we were getting blasted while I interviewed him. I shall regale you with the Reader’s Digest Version.
Willie’s first love is music. Everything else comes in second place. Period. Now this kind of outlook can put a great deal of strain on a marriage, especially when one is married to Willie Hugh Nelson.
Anyway, Willie told me that on this particular night (now early the next morning), he was out playing poker or some shit and he came home commode huggin’ drunk. His wife was kind enough to let Willie get in bed and crash into an alcoholic coma (as it were) for a little shut eye.
Needless to say the then-Mrs. Nelson was not especially happy about Willie’s behavior at the time, so, God bless her, she did what any Texas woman with a drunk, philandering husband would do. She sewed him up in the bed sheet! Oh, wait, this gets a lot better, Dumbasses. Mrs. Willie then proceeded to find the nearest broom. Educational Note for Young People: Broom handles were made of wood back then. The same kind of wood Roy Hobbs used for his baseball bat in “The Natural”. Hard, As, A. Rock
So here’s an extremely inebriated Willie Nelson sewn up in a bed sheet about to experience something that few men in History have lived through. A pissed off wife who sewed you into said bed sheet with a cement hard broom handle about to go Babe Ruth on your drunk ass. Simply put, Mrs. Willie beat the living dog shit out of the Red Headed Stranger at this, for Willie, most inopportune time. Babe Ruth hit 714 career home runs during his playing days. Mrs. Willie Nelson hit nearly 900, so it seemed to Willie, in just a few minutes.
That’s how I feel today – like Mrs. Willie Nelson went Mickey Mantle on my skull.
Therefore, today I will re-post a story that is still getting quite a bit of attention from Dumbasses around the world. It’s a steaming turd story of getting rich from dog shit.
You’ll thank me later.
Best of Dumbass News
|Takin’ Shit & Gettin’ Paid|
OK, I admit it. The thought of this blog going down the toilet has crossed my mind from time to time. What seems like easy work to many people can be a very demanding task to those of us who are stoopid enough to write something that is hopefully clever and informative on a regular basis.
Alas, Dumbass News has gone to shit. Dog shit to be precise.
Let me drop the deuce on you. Metaphorically speaking of course.
Speaking of Tough Jobs
As taxing as it can be to come up with a good post every day, there are some jobs that make this one look like a walk in the park. The Doggie Park. Full of doggie doo doo. Bowser bombs. Poodle poop. Shih tzu shits.
I never really thought about it, I guess because I am not a pet owner, but all the Dog Parks and back yards in the country have got to be cleaned up every once in a while. Think about it. There are 78.2 million dogs in the United States and every last one of them has to make a doo doo at least a couple of times a day. That’s a mess (ha ha) of canine crap. 30,000 tons a day or 10 million tons a year to be exact. Put another way, that’s enough dog shit to fill up 3800 miles (267,500 big rigs) of fully loaded tractor-trailers ( lined up bumper to bumper from Boston to Seattle.
My Dad, a trucker for over forty years, is rolling over in his grave at the idea of hauling terrier turds from coast to coast.
There’s Dough in That Thar Dog Dookey!
As I read the source article for this stinker of a post, I got to wondering, what kind of Dumbass would actually have a job removing dog shit from parks and yards all over the USA?
Very smart Dumbasses, that’s what kind. These guys make a shit load of money.
All the information that I have given you today comes from a bidness named, I am not making this up, Doody Calls. Other than the obvious pratfalls of cleaning up after Rover takes a healthy squat, Doody Calls provides a very valuable service to not only their clients, but to the rest of us as well. If not properly disposed of, poochy plops can leave behind germs and bacteria that cause heartworms, parvovirus, salmonella and e.coli! No shit.
I couldn’t end this screed without relaying to you SOME “Fun Facts” about greyhound grunt. Shamelessly stolen from the Doody Calls web site are these little nuggets:
- DoodyCalls scoops over 3 million poops a year!
- Over 8,000 dogs are happy DoodyCalls customers!
- We are the FIRST pet waste removal franchise in the WORLD! (ed.-I believe that!)
- How many scooped poops does it take to make it to the top of Mount Everest and back? 400,000!
Not an Endorsement
I am not plugging the Doggie Doo Doo Guys for any other reason than they are knuckleheads who have taken a dirty job and turned it into a money-making enterprise that is good for them and the communities they serve. I will, however, urge you to read their web page and see what all they have to say. It’s really good shit.