Monthly Archives: February 2013

Dumbass Threatens to Cook & Eat Divorce Judge’s Kids!


One of the ugliest words in the English language. Unless of course you are married to a real motherfucker. If you find/have found yourself in the position of being hitched to a steaming pile of yak shit of a spouse, then the word “divorce” rings in your ears like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the Hallelujah Chorus.

Still, it is always in your best interest, especially if kids are involved, to conduct yourself civilly during divorce proceedings.

Loves Kids; Especially with Salt & Mustard

James Satterfield of Cobb County, Georgia probably wishes he had done so.

But, as the old Carole King song goes, “it’s too late, baby now, it’s too late”.

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Guy Has Testicular Cancer Surgery; Doctors Remove Wrong Gazebo!

Tragedy and comedy.

Today’s story has plenty of both.

Here’s the deal.

The Deal

A guy over in London has testicular cancer. The best way to treat this malady is with surgery. So The Guy goes in to have his cancerous gazebo removed. The procedure goes well.

Except for one minor detail.

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NSFW! 325 Pound Man Busts into Lingerie Shop, Plays “Hide the Plastic Sausage”

Before I even get started on today’s foray into Dumbassery, I will WARN you that what you are about to read is NSFW!

Here at Dumbass News we ain’t skeered to delve into some of the most bizarre news stories on the internet. In other words, we willingly and unashamedly dive head first into the slime. Today is no exception.

Let the Triple Lindys begin!


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Dumbass Steals Snowplow, Winter Hilarity Ensues

Many parts of the country, ranging from the Texas Panhandle to New England, are under the frigid grip of Old Man Winter. Last night as we here in Maine got the last flakes of about a foot of snow, people in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas were under a Blizzard Warning. As a side note, the Blizzard Warning was issued for Lubbock, Texas (Home of Some of the Finest Nekkid House Cleaning in the World) when the temperature was sixty-nine degrees outside! Welcome to Texas weather in the late winter.

As you know, the Upper Midwest has also been slammed by some wicked winter weather, thus keeping many Midwesterners inside. Many, but not all.

Leroy Duane Woodbeck of St. Paul, Minny-soda is a prime example of “many, but not all”.

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Lawyer Pulls Joint Out of Pocket, Drops It – In Court Room!

Best of Dumbass News
“The first thing we do, Let’s kill all the lawyers” – Dick the Butcher in Shakespeare’s Henry the Sixth. Before you all go accusing me of being a smarty pants, let me assure you that I am just as big a Dumbass as you are. I knew the quote, I simply “googled” to find the specifics.

I bring this up today because there’s an attorney in Nawlins (that’s New Orleans for all the Yoopers in the audience) that probably wishes he was dead about now. Why?

Let me tell you why.

Jason Cantrell

Want Attention from Your Boyfriend? Poison Him!

Best of Dumbass News

Vicki Jo Mills of McConnellsburg was feeling that her boyfriend, Thurman Nesbitt, was lax in his duties in doting over her. So, instead of new lingerie, perfume or hairdos, Vicki Jo, hatched a plan that would make Thomas notice her like she’d never been noticed before.

It has been my experience in life that men sometimes put other things in life ahead of their wives/girlfriends that leave the poor woman craving attention. To be fair, the things that men put first are worthy things like fishing, golf, likker, etc, but there’s absolutely no excuse for neglecting your woman by means other than these. I am sensitive to a woman’s needs that way.

Neglected wimmin often drop subtle little hints that you have not shown them enough attention lately. They’ll put on a new perfume, get a new hairdo, buy sexy lingerie or try to poison you.

At least that’s the way wimmin in Fulton County, Pennsylvania do things.

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Nekkid Golfers, Mice-a-Roni & Dead Guy Dots The “I” at Ohio State

Best of Dumbass News

 ‘Tis the Sabbath and it’s gonna be a busy one here at the Dumbass Dome. Believe it or not, I am gonna do some gardening, indoors of course. For new readers, I live in Maine therefore November is not the best time to grow shit. Being the mule headed sumbitch I am, I like to try to do shit under adverse conditions just to see if I can make it work. I will make it work. Hence, gardening in November in Maine. I will prolly plant some cool weather stuff like lettuce. I would try to grow some warm weather crops, but my wife is a native Mainer and likes the house kept colder than a well digger’s ass in January. Adios good stuff like tomatoes and peppers until spring time. Asi es la vida.

Here is some stuff that doesn’t require heatbut it is loaded withfertilizer bullshit.

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