Monthly Archives: March 2013

How Dumbasses “Celebrate” Easter!

Like millions of Christians worldwide, Annette Pearson was celebrating the holiday with some guests, another family. Annette had carefully hidden Easter eggs around her yard to be just difficult enough to find that the children present would be a bit challenged to find them. So far, so good.

But! You just knew that a big ass BUT! was about to rear its ugly head. This is, after all, Dumbass News!

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Lady Messes w/Python; Python Latches on to Dumbass Lady’s Face!

Best of Dumbass News

The People’s Republic of Madison is a very nice city. That is if you could chase off the Liberal weenies and Liberal weenie college kids at the University of Wisconsin who live there. Liberal weenie-ism, and by definition dumbassery, is a way of life in Madtown and today’s story will show you just what kind of dumbass occupies this lovely burg.

Book Club Meeting 

A 31 year old woman, whose name is not mentioned in my source story, was attending a book club meeting recently when she got a little bit more than a review and nice discussion on the book in question, Communism for Dummies. Other than the book, there was something else at the meeting that caught the lady’s eye. A 4-foot long ball python.

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Dumbass Kiwi Blows 3 Times Legal DUI Limit, Pees on Breathalyzer

Best of Dumbass News

At last count, Dumbass News was being read by idiots nice folks in 157 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don’t remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.

So now, New Zealand, it’s your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!

You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.

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Yale U: “Hey! Let’s Spend $385,000 Studying Duck Ding Dongs!”

Disclaimer: I am not an economist. I am a Dumbass.

Having said that, being a Dumbass does not mean one is stoopid. On the other hand, being a Dumbass doesn’t necessarily preclude one from being stoopid. Unless of course one is speaking of the Federal Gubmint. But I digress.

Back to the economist thing…I am not formally trained in the field of economics. I am, however, well versed in the field of poverty. For example, I have a budget of “x” number of dollars each month. I gotta make do with “x” number of greenbacks or face the consequences. If I only have “x” dollars to work with, but I actually spend “x + 1” dollars, I have Officially Gone Into Debt. This is not a good thing. Since I have gone over my budget by a dollar, I have to either work to make a dollar to replace it or I have to cut back by a dollar on something else.

Pretty easy to understand, right?

Not if you are the Gubmint of the United States of America.

Let me splain.

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Flaming Snake Burns Down Two Houses!

Note to New Dumbasses: There’s not much we won’t cover here at Dumbass News. Dumbasses of any shape, size, color, nationality, sexual persuasion or gender will be vilified to the High Heavens, provided of course that vilification is necessary to the plot.

The only off limits topics will be the Dumbassification of my Mother, the Pope and My Favorite Protestant, the Reverend Billy Graham.

Your mother? Fair game. The Dolly Llama? In the Dumbass Cross Hairs. The “Reverends” Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton? Screw ’em.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

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Military Meatballs Mean Mayhem for Maid!

The Gubmint of the United States of America is a big bidness. And like thousands of other bidnesses around the country, they contract out many services to non-gubmintal entities. For instance, it is not uncommon for a company to contract out for janitorial and cleaning services. In one of the few things it does right, the Federal Gubmint does exactly that, outsources jobs that are better served by private bidnesses.

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Happy Hour: $102,000 Hooch Goes Down the Gullet

Once upon a time Fearless Leader was a Professional Drinker. As with all good things, this, too, came to an end.

Since You Asked

  • No I did not waste my time on 12 Step Program.
  • I went through a One Step Program.
  • Cold Turkey.
  • Over 3 years ago.
  • I was not an alcoholic.
  • Alcoholics go to meetings.
  • I was a Drunk.
  • No meetings required.
  • Mrs. Fearless Leader threatened to throw me out on my sorry ass if I didn’t stop boozin’.
  • She meant it.
  • That was my One Step Program.
  • No. Alcohol has not crossed my lips since then.
  • Amen.

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