Monthly Archives: April 2013

Cop Slaps Girlfriend; She Beats the Hell Out of Him w/ a Justin Bieber Doll!

Today’s story involves a cop and is one of the weirdest yet to appear on Dumbass News.That’s saying a lot considering the fact that we’ve written about cops being attacked by sex toys, cops whose police cruiser has been pissed on and a little diddy about a cop who tasered a female cop’s ass, in the police station! No matter how much dumbassery those stories reek of, they do not compare to the stoopididity that awaits you in this beauty.

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Restauant Gets Lousy Review; Restaurant Owner Starts Porn Site Under Reviewer’s Name!

From HuffPo via the Ottawa Citizen:


Let’s play “Make Believe”.

Marisol Simoes Mambo Restaurant
Marisol Simoes, Bidnesswoman

Let’s pretend that you are a restaurant owner and you give what a customer decides is lousy service and a sub par meal. That’s the customer’s right. It is also the right of the customer in question to post an online review of said lousy service and meal. What would you do in such a case?

I know what Marisol Simoes did. She created a profile of the customer on a sex site!

Nothing good can come of this as Ms. Simoes learned.

The hard way.

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DUI of Hand Sanitizer!

Best of Dumbass News 

Why didn’t I think of this when I was a Professional Drinker?

Drunks or addicts are always looking for a new cheap way to get high. They resort to over the counter medications like Sudafed, Nyquil or even mouthwash in order to get a buzz. I am sure you have heard of this.

Just yesterday, however, I discovered a way to get a buzz on that would not in a million years have crossed my mind, and now that I know about it, still wouldn’t do it. But it’s a novel idea nonetheless.

The latest “magic elixir”? Hand sanitizer. Yes, that stuff you wash your hands with to get all those pesky viruses and other bad shit off of them. Not only does hand sanitizer rid your hands of bacteria that could make you sick, it packs quite a wallop evidently.

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New Item at Dunkin: Donut Ho!

Best of Dumbass News

There’s a Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 in Parsippany, New Jersey that has added an item to their menu. Dunkin calls the new item is called “The Extra Sugar”. Local cops call it prostitution. I would have called it the “donut hole”, but I am a sick, twisted freak.

Let me splain.

Mad Dog 20/20: Artist’s Imagination in a Bottle

Down in The Big Apple (from where I sit, it’s down there) they grow some of the best Dumbasses in the world. They still have a way to go before catching up with California, but there are some mighty fine Dumbasses in New York City.

Like This Guy:

Brooklyn Bridge

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The Drunk Lady & The 9-1-1 Lonely Hearts Club

9-1-1 is to be used only in situations where an emergency situation exists or is immanent, like when a crime is committed or during a medical crisis.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people who utilize 9-1-1 are doing so within the parameters of its intended use.

The other 1% are Dumbasses.

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I’m Rich! I Have “An Unclaimed Fund in the West Africa Region”!

Well, whaddaya know! I am “having an unclaimed fund in the West African region”!

West Africa Region

And all this time I thought I’d be a poor fucker for the rest of my life.

But that’s all changed now because I am “having an unclaimed fund in the West African region”! Praise Gawd and pass the Cashier’s Check!

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