Monthly Archives: July 2013

Long Lost Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

One of my favorite things about writing Dumbass News is the flexibility afforded me due to the nature of the blog’s subject matter – Dumbassery. I mean Dumbassery can be found any and every where.

Even (and especially) in the thousands of newspapers printed daily in cities and towns, large and small, across the Fruited Plain.

That brings us to one of the most popular features (behind boobs and hookers) of Dumbass News:

Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

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Dumbass Uses Baseball Bat to Rob Gun Store!

I have been watching this new reality show called “God, Guns & Automobiles” on The History Channel.

It stars this guy named Mark Muller, a God-fearing guy who owns a car dealership in a small town in Missouri. He also owns a lot of guns and blows a bunch of shit up. ‘Merica!

Mark is also always coming up with these wild promotions that will hopefully help him sell a ton of cars.

On Sunday night’s episode he did a deal where he bought a bunch of guns from many citizens of the town in hopes of the citizens using the money towards the purchase of a car from his dealership. There was a lot of subplot to this promotion, but the bottom line is he bought a mess of guns and sold a shit load of cars. (ed. note – the subplot involved getting some old unsafe guns out of circulation and maybe getting some good guns for Mark’s private collection. The County Sheriff and local gun experts assisted in this promotion)

I like this show.

I also like the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America.

In today’s story, the 2nd Amendment looms large.

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Mid Year Dumbass of the Year Contenders – Part 2

Last Friday I gave you Dumbasses a rundown of potential Dumbass of the Year nominees for 2013.

Due to the fact that we bestow the the Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards in a number of categories, I wanted to be sure to give the breadth and scope of these annual accolades with another list of the contenders for the 2013 Dummies. 

Let us begin.

 


Dumbass Steals $39,830 Chevy Tahoe, Trades It for $20 Worth of Crack!

Best of Dumbass News

Last week I bought a car. Not a new car, real good used one. I picked it up from a mechanic that I’ve been doing bidness with for a couple of years. I learned about Jim (the mechanic) from Mike the Maintenance Hombre here at our apartment complex. He has been working here for about two years and I know him pretty well, so I trust Mike’s judgement. I figger that if a guy who fixes shit for a living recommends another guy who fixes other shit for a living, it’s all good. Word of mouth advertising and all that.

Anyway, I went down to see Jim the Mechanic, found a car I liked, took a test drive, and bought it. Outright. Cash. It’s mine.

This is more than I can say for Carlos Sergio Valdes of Austin, Texas.

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I Have a Toothache; Hey! I’ll Get My Ex-Girlfriend to Fix It!

From April, 30, 2012

As a man who has said “I do” on more than one occasion, I can not emphasize to you the importance of maintaining at least a civil relationship with your former spouse. Doing so could save you a shit load of grief and misfortune at a later date. Trust. Me. On. This. One.

I do not speak with one of my former spouses, although I do not hold any ill will towards her. She has her life. I have mine. Our kids are all grown up now and they have and/or are in the process of having their own children.  Besides, she lives in the Midwest, I live in New England. That way the shit works out right.

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Mid Year “Dumbass of the Year” Contenders!

This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for a few weeks, but I have been busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin’ contest.

There’s no rest for The Wicked.

Or a one-legged man in an ass-kickin’ contest.

Or a Fearless Leader.

We are headed to the 2013 Dumbass of the Year Awards like a snow ball headed for Hell. This December Dumbass News will celebrate (and by “celebrate” I of course mean “humiliate” ourselves before the 163 nations on Planet Earth that read this shit) the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards!

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A Dumbass and His Stolen Alligator!

As many members of the Dumbass Horde know, in a former life I was a Radio Guy, a DJ if you will.

Being an On-Air Personality allowed me to move up and down that dial (Thanks, WKRP!). One of the stops on my never-ending “packing and unpacking” (Thanks again, WKRP!) was Woodville, Texas, a small town in Southeast Texas a little over 100 miles Northeast of Houston.

Woodville is one of, if not THE, best place(s) I have ever lived.

In Woodville, there was a Sonic Drive In, a WalMart and a KFC. The only thing missing from Woodville that a bachelor could need was a likker store. The Ville is situated in a “dry county”, meaning that you can’t buy booze by the package, i.e., a 6-pack or a bottle of whiskey or whatever.

What Woodville lacks in buying alcohol it more than makes up with some of The Best People on Earth and a plethora of outstanding fishin’ holes. Fishin’ holes that are home to alligatorsLots of alligators.

Most people would associate gators with Florida or Looziana, not Texas. Let me assure you that the Texas – Looziana State Line has not prevented a single one of these prehistoric beasts from finding suitable habitat in the Lone Star State. Believe me when I say that alligators know no boundaries.

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