Monthly Archives: September 2013

Can’t Knock Up Your Wife? Have Your Neighbor Do It! PLUS New Blog Design!

Dumbass News has a new look!

After three years of the Old Look Dumbass News, the time has come for a new design.

We have a new header that is the brain child of a very good friend of mine and fellow Green Bay Packers fan, Kevin in Wisconsin! The new-look header is a more “whimsical” design that better represents the content and meaning of the blog. And by “more whimsical”, I of course mean “more Dumbass”.

The new background image is the handiwork of Mrs. Fearless Leader. She took the Old Head Up the Ass logo and brought it up to date to be more “inviting” to potential new members of The Dumbass Horde. I would say she made it more “pleasing”, but there is nothing really “pleasing” about a picture of a guy with his head up his ass. Except in certain West Coast cities.

Thanks, Kev and Mrs. Fearless Leader! Your work will live in Internet Infamy!

And now…..Dumbass News…..

Neighbors. You can’t live without ’em and you can’t shoot ’em.

I have been thinking about the virtues and vices of having neighbors over the last week or so. Why? I’ll tell you why.

Read the rest…..

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Nigerian “FBI” Sends Me $5 Million!

Best of Dumbass News

Look what I got from the “FBI”!

It’s “official” and everything!

Read the rest…..

Granny Saves Lots of Cash for Retirement; By Selling Pot!

Best of Dumbass News

Many cultists in members of the Dumbass Horde, myself included, have reached a point in life where our Sunset Years are not that many sunsets away.

I, personally, am very close to needing to turn on the porch light in order to see through the dusk. My constant companion, Artur Itis, has, however, been kind enough to supply me with one of those curly-q CFL porch lights. How magnanimous of him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something, someone to give me hope and inspiration as I transition from Middle Aged Curmudgeon to Full Blown Old Fart. I am ecstatic to tell you, my Beloved Dumbass Horde, that I have found my Seasoned Citizen Guru in, of all places, Oklahoma.

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Lion Mauls Lady Having Sex in African Bush!

Best of Dumbass News

Death.

99.99% of the time there is nothing funny about death. In the other .01% of deaths that have some sort of humorous element to it, only a very small percentage those are funny. Let me put it this way: in the .01% of deaths there is “funny” as in “that’s horrible” but the unusual circumstances of a particular death may cause us to shake our heads in wonderment. For example, there’s the story of the poor woman who was taking pictures of a moving train and was so wrapped up in her work that she didn’t hear the train coming up from behind her! SPLAT!

Then there is “funny” as in “haha”. The kind of death that falls into this category is a death like that of Hugo Chavez. I’m not playing God here, but if there was ever a human bean that “deserved” to die, it was this murderous, corrupt, Commie ass dictator. So when he bought the farm, millions of people in Venezuela and around the world rejoiced at the thought that El Presidente will now be tweeting from the Eternal Lake of Fire and taking it up the ass from Satan for eternity. Fuck. Him.

Today’s story is one of an untimely death that falls into the “funny” as in “horrible” but the unusual circumstances of the death cause us to shake our heads in amazement.And it involves SEX.

Let me splain.

Read the rest…..

 

Guy Wins Eating Contest, Keels Over Dead On the Spot!

I like contests.

I get emails all the time from web sites that I subscribe to urging me to “Enter to Win!”.

I enter, but I don’t win.

Ever.

Yet, I enter, time after time after time, hoping against hope that I’ll finally bring home the bacon. 

Or the cookware in which to fry the bacon.

I think the last contest I entered was at Food Thoughts of a Chef WannabeFTOACW is a food blog (and a damned good one) run by my and Mrs. Fearless Leader’s friend Chris. Chris was running a giveaway in concert with some Big Ass Company that makes fancy schmancy cookware.

I didn’t win.

Again.

Maybe I should move to Ukraine.

Contests are big in Ukraine.

Read the rest…..

Autumn Edition: Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Neither rain, hail, sleet nor snow, not even the threat of NSA spying or a Miley Cyrus’ tongue bath can keep this Fearless Leader from his appointed Dumbass Newspaper Headlines! 

No wonder she wasn’t in her bedroom!

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Guy Goes to Strip Club. Leaves 3 Year Old Kid in Car Alone!

I am all about having a good time.

In a former life, that is before Mrs. Fearless Leader threatened to remove my gazebos with a dull, rusty butcher knife, “having a good time” meant beer, tequila and pot. And more beer. And ultimately, if the pot was good, Taco Bell.

Followed by yet more beer.

I don’t do that shit anymore, but I have no problem with those that do, given they get fucked up responsibly.

Jordan Caraway did not exercise due diligence when he went out drinking the other night.

Jordan had nothing better to do than babysit his three year old son, so he called up one of his buddies and invited him to go out and have a cold beer.

And see some strippers. 

So they did.

They also took the kid with them.

Read the rest…..