Monthly Archives: October 2013

Dumbass Halloween Costumes!

It’s Halloween!

That means that Dumbasses all over the country will attend Dumbass Halloween Parties, get hammered and do Dumbass Stuff, all the while dressed like a bunch of weirdos from San Francisco. Of course in San Francisco, people dress like it’s Halloween every day.

So, in honor of All Hallows’ Eve, I bring to you….

Dumbass Halloween Costumes!

Read the rest….

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Knock on Door at 3 AM; Dumbass Answers; Clowns Rob ‘Em Blind!

Quick Note to WordPress Bloggers: Over the last couple of weeks I have attempted (key word: “attempted”) to leave comments on your blogs. Sometimes they publish, sometimes they don’t. I have no idea what the problem is and I have asked WP.com to help me find a solution to it. So far, no response from them. Go figure.

I just wanted to let you know that I am reading your posts and sharing them by way of Facebook, Twitter, Google +, etc.

Hopefully I can get back to dazzling you with my brilliance (baffling you with my bullshit?) soon.

Thanks,

Fearless Leader

People are strange, as Jim Morrison wrote lo so many years ago.

They (meaning “we”) suffer from some weird shit. Me? I am scared to death of heights, so I suffer from dumbassis tallus itis. Some people are afraid to go outside which, in the parlance of the American Psychiatric Association, is known simply as “stupid as fuck”. Then there are those who are actually scared shitless of clowns. This affliction is known as “bozo erectus areyoukiddingme sigmund freud syndrome”, or coulrophobia.

After reading today’s story we should all be very afraid of grown men who paint their faces up like ancient Zulu warriors in order to amuse people, or as they are known in San Francisco, cab drivers.

But, I digress.

Read the rest……

Online Dating: Old Man Unwittingly Sets Up Booty Call w/Daughter In Law!

I love the internet.

Without the Ole Triple Dub (that’s “www.” for you Dumbass Yoopers) I could not write Dumbass News. That means that over 300,000 Dumbasses in 169 countries would have no source for the information that matters.

While the prospect of no more Dumbass News would certainly thrill many Dumbasses on the West Coast and in Fwance, the World at Large is in need of the type of journalistic integrity found only on this very blog. I mean, where would you rather get your Daily Dose of Dumbassery? From propaganda “news” outlets like PMSNBC, CNN, CNBC or here?

I rest my case.

Read the rest……

Guy Steals LIVE Lobsters & Stuffs Them Down His Pants to Hide Them!

Quick Note to WordPress Bloggers: Over the last couple of weeks I have attempted (key word: “attempted”) to leave comments on your blogs. Sometimes they publish, sometimes they don’t. I have no idea what the problem is and I have asked WP.com to help me find a solution to it. So far, no response from them. Go figure.

I just wanted to let you know that I am reading your posts and sharing them by way of Facebook, Twitter, Google +, etc.

Hopefully I can get back to dazzling you with my brilliance (baffling you with my bullshit?) soon.

Thanks,

Fearless Leader

Today’s Dumbassery:

You know when you’re watching TV and a car commercial comes on showing a guy driving like a bat out of hell on a 10 foot wide dirt road on the side of a mountain with a 3000 foot vertical drop where the tiniest of mistake could send him to the Big Stunt Show in the Sky? Some time during the ad a printed disclaimer saying “Do Not Try This at Home” appears onscreen. My first thought is always “No shit Sherlock”. Having driven on such roads high in the Rockies, I can assure you that hauling ass on them is not the first thing that pops into my Dumbass mind.

On a similar note, stuffing live lobsters into my pants is not high on my bucket list either.

But, there’s a guy in Mississippi who seems to like to do just such a thing.

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Newspaper Layouts!

Dumbass Newspaper Headlines have long been a staple of this blog. And by”staple” I naturally mean “I have no idea what to write about, so copy and paste somebody else’s stuff”. For today I will not only semi-plagiarize make fair use of material found on BuzzFeed, but will use material they lifted from several other sources! Or as I like to call it, “Material Mimicking Monday”!

Today’s Dumbass Topic? Dumbass Newspaper Layouts! This fun-filled Dumbassery features newspaper headlines not-so-strategically placed in close proximity to another feature in the newspaper that when viewed collectively create much hilarity.

Read the rest…..

Confirmed: Cussing Is Good For Your Health! Dammit!

Best of Dumbass News

I found an article that is as near perfect as you can get for Dumbass News. What you are about to read is scientific evidence that being a Dumbass can be a good for your health! I say this with a caveat, however. The study that determined this stuff was done in England. And since England is evolving into a Third World Muslim Hellhole, I have concluded that English scientists are Third World Dumbasses.

Let me splain.

Read the rest…..

Printer Used for Counterfeiting Returned to WalMart With Fake Money Still In It!

Best of Dumbass News

Knockoff merchandise is big bidness.

What is “knockoff merchandise”?

I guess I should splain.

Sometimes I forget that Dumbasses in 169 countries around the world read this shit most edifying of content. So, for all Dumbass News readers in locations whose first language is not English, like Dearborn, Meechigan, (Aloha Snack Bar!) or London, “knockoff merchandise” simply means “cheap fake stuff that looks like the real, more expensive original merchandise”. For example, some unscrupulous asshat might be selling a hand bag that resembles the very expensive “Coach” brand bag, but it is inferior in quality and workmanship to the original. Knockoff merchandise also carries a name extremely similar to the real thing. In this case the fake stuff may be labeled “Couch” instead “Coach”.

Got it?

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