Monthly Archives: December 2013

More “You Big Dummy” Awards! Dumbass News Felon of the Year!

Before I get down to the Bidness of Dumbassery, I’d like to thank my long time friend from Wis-caaahhhn-sin and Fellow Green Bay Packers fan Kevin for his extraordinary effort in designing the brand-spankin’ new Official “You Big Dummy” Award!

Kev donated a not insignificant amount of time and effort in doing me a solid by coming up with the perfect “trophy” for the winners of the various categories of the Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards. 

So, without further ado, I present to you a True Dumbass Work of Art by Kevin in Wis-caaahhhn-sin….

Ladies and Gentlemen….The Dummy…


One more thing….in case you missed the presentation of the first Dummy of 2013 yesterdaythe Big Announcement of the contenders and the winner of The Flaming Dumbass Award for 2013 can be found here.

And now….the Continuation of The 2013 Dummies….

Over the last almost three and a half years, Dumbass News has shared with The World some of the Finest Dumbass Criminals in the History of Mankind.

And by “finest” I naturally mean “Most Ignant Sumbitches to Ever Take a Breath”.

As a result of this overabundance of Stoopid Fuckers, 2013 has proved to be the Best Year Yet in the Annals of the Most Ignant Sumbitches to Ever Take a Breath.

Read the rest…..


The Dummies: The Flaming Dumbass Award for 2013!

Welcome, Dumbasses, to the first installment of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards!

Over the course of the next few days we’ll reveal to you the nominees and winners in several categories of Dumbassery from the last twelve months, culminating in the announcement of the recipient of The Big One, the 2013 Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award!

Dumbass News has picked up over 200,000 (that’s two hundred thousand) new members of the Dumbass Horde during 2013 proving that:

  • a) 200,000 New Dumbasses have way too much time on their hands
  • b) 200,000 New Dumbasses with way too much time on their hands means that the unemployment rate in the 172 countries in which these Dumbasses reside is unacceptably high
  • c) I question the mental health of 200,000 New Dumbasses
  • d) There’s a Dumbass born every minute
  • e) It’s good to be a Fearless Leader

Ghosts of Dummies Past

As a Fearless Leader Public Service to our New Dumbasses, here’s a look back at previous nominees and winners of The Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award:

  • 2010 – Lady attacks cops with dildo!
  • 2011 – Guy stranded on island with working cell phone doesn’t call for help for five days!
  • 2012 – White guy with white wife goes away to war, comes back a year later to a less than a year old BLACK baby! White wife claims she was impregnated by black guy in very realistic porn movie!

On With the Show!

The first category of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards is The Flaming Dumbass Award!

Read the rest…..

Kid Gets Kicked Out of School; Mom Goes to School to Beat His Ass; Slaps Piss Outta Wrong Kid!

Best of Dumbass News

Have you ever come across twins or triplets so identical you wonder how anyone can tell them apart?

I have.

One time many years ago I was at a Dairy Queen in Tyler, Texas having a cheeseburger when a nice family came in. First in was a little boy, followed by Mom. Dad was holding the restaurant door open for the rest of the group. In walks a little girl closely tailgated by another little girl who looked exactly like the first girl. I thought, “That’s cool. Twins!”

I was wrong.

A few nano seconds after that another little girl came through the door. She looked exactly like the two other girls who came in before her. I remember thinking, “Wow! That’s something you don’t see every day! Triplets!”

I was wrong.


Dad is still holding the door open when…you guessed it…yet another little girl walked in.


I’m telling you that it was damn near impossible to tell which girl was which. It was like the same little girl had walked into the Dairy Queen and somehow sneaked back outside and re-entered the place three more times!

I have never before that moment nor since seen anything quite like that.

Which brings us back to our opening question. How the hell does anybody, besides Mom and Dad, tell kids like this one from the other? If they were a precocious quartet, I bet they could pull some bodacious swaparoony tricks on some folks.

But what if the kid was a singleton? Easy to I.D., right?


 Read the rest…..

Dumbass Killed By Boobies!

Breast Best of Dumbass News

Boobs. Knockers. Hooters. Hammers. Tits. Sweater puppies.

Whatever we choose to call them, female mammary glands are a mainstay topic here at Dumbass News.

From the lingerie saleslady that was fired from her job because her heat seekers were too big to the stoopid broad who used her breast implants to smuggle cocaine, we’ve had a grip boobs news like no other web site in the world for almost three and a half years.

Despite the wide range and sheer volume of stories about ta-tas on this blog, new boobies stories come to our attention every day, none odder than the one we’ll cover today.

Assault Hooters


Deadly in the Wrong Hands

A couple (of people, not knockers) got into a domestic disturbance. This little confrontation was “lively” enough that concerned neighbors called the Law.

At some point in the argument the female half of the dueling duo pinned her male counterpart down to the ground and laid on top of him.

Somehow, the guy’s face became buried between the woman’s boobs.

Read the rest…..

Scandi Pilot Falls Asleep While Flying Passenger Jet!

Official Dumbass Reminder: On Monday, December 30, Dumbass News will begin passing out the 2013 Dummies, culminating with The Big One – The 2013 Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award! 

Dumbass News has picked up a couple of hundred thousand new Dumbasses over the course of 2013, and many of them may not be familiar with The Dummies. 

Short explanation: think Academy Awards and/or Grammys, except with even weirder Dumbasses.

The Dummies of 2012

  • Here’s a list of “winners” of Dummies in Supporting Roles
  • Nominees for and the “winner” of the 2012 Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award can be found here.

 Best of Dumbass News

Our Dumbasses today come to us from Sweden.

Land of Fjords and Chjevys.

Sweden is a beautiful country with lots of blond haired people with blue eyes and lots of Dumbasses.

For instance, a pilot for the Scandinavian Airlines System Group was piloting an aircraft bound for Stockholm from Copenhagen, when the co-pilot got up to heed Nature’s Call.

Read the rest…..



Guy Goes Into Titty Bar & Leaves 3 Year Old Kid in Car!

Best of Dumbass News

I am all about having a good time.

In a former life, that is before Mrs. Fearless Leader threatened to remove my gazebos with a dull, rusty butcher knife, “having a good time” meant beer, tequila and pot. And more beer. And ultimately, if the pot was good, Taco Bell.

Followed by yet more beer.

I don’t do that shit anymore, but I have no problem with those that do, given they get fucked up responsibly.

Jordan Caraway did not exercise due diligence when he went out drinking the other night.

Jordan had nothing better to do than babysit his three year old son, so he called up one of his buddies and invited him to go out and have a cold beer.

And see some strippers. 

So they did.

They also took the kid with them.

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Sounds of the Season: Stoopid Christmas Song Videos!

Merry Christmas, Dumbasses!

I Find This Offensive


It’s hard to believe that 2013 is almost in the History Books.


It’s also hard to believe that the 2013 Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards will take Center Stage in a few short days!


Here’s a review of the Mid-Year 2013 Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards contenders as of this past July:

I’ll have more on this year’s Dummies ( as I like to call the these awards) in a few days, so be sure to take a lot of time away from your family during this Holiday Season and stay on top of the Really Important Things in Life – like The Dummies.  

Even Dumbasses Celebrate Christmas With Music

Of course Dumbasses don’t exactly go through their hometowns singing Silent Night and O Come All Ye Faithful.

Read the rest…..