Monthly Archives: January 2014

Lady Hits Lotto for $550,000; Gets Drunk; Flushes Ticket Down Toilet!

Do you play the lottery?

I used to play the Wednesday and Saturday Lotto games in Texas every week. At a buck a ticket, why not?

Two dollars is a small price to pay for a Life of Luxury, Leisure and Financial Security, right?

While we didn’t have the Super Mega Bucks Rich Ass Lotto game back home in Texas the last time I lived there, the Texas Lotto jackpot would regularly reach into the $30 – $40 million range. Two buck for a chance at that much cheese? I’m fucking all in, Dude.

However, $30 or $40 million ain’t shit.

Some of the Mega Bucks Rich Out the Ass Lotto jackpots have recently have been in the half billion dollar neighborhood.

That’s. Five. Hundred. Million. Samolians.

Of course the odds of winning a payout like that are about the same as Michael Moore schtooping Jessica Alba.

Anyway, with 500 Extremely Big Ones, I’d buy lots of land, build houses for my family, buy cars, travel like a boss, make some substantial charitable donations…the usual stuff.

And party.

I’m sure my wife would allow me to start drinking again. If I chose to drink myself to death, she’d have 500 million reasons not complain about it.

Besides, with all that loot, she could travel the Globe and would never have to step foot on Dumbass Dome property.

Whether I am dead or alive.

See?

The shit works out right.

Read the rest…..

Face the Facts: Why Some Dumbasses Can’t Get a Job!

My buddy Matt Vaughn in Texas is a Man of Uncommon Common Sense. 

He served his country in the United States Navy as a Corpsman (I think).

Matthew is also the brother of one of the best friends I ever had, Mark.

Side note: As I was typing that last sentence the was a knock on the door. Make that a POUNDING on the door. I thought it might be the Secret Service raiding the Dumbass Dome because I call Preznit Obutthurt the Dumbass in Chief. It was the UPS Guy delivering Scentsy inventory to Mrs. Fearless Leader. Obama is still a Dumbass. Take that, Secret Service!

About ten years ago Matt had a “pet” fish that he was going to flush. I stepped in and took custody of the Future Flushee. 

I named him Clyde.

Clyde and I traveled the Fruited Plain together – from Texas to Ohio back to Texas, finally landing in Colorado. And all points between.

I actually had a bond with that damned fish. We had a cool feeding ritual that involved strippers and Scientology. OK…I made up the part about strippers and Scientology. But if anybody could initiate a really cool fish-feeding ritual involving strippers, my money would be on the Scientologists.

Clyde and I did have a cool feeding deal though.  He’d come to the top of the water in his aquarium and damn near take his food right out of my fingers.

I marvel at the stoopidest stuff.

Plus, I was a Professional Drinker at the time.

Clyde was my buddy.

He died on Christmas Eve, 2004.

I miss Clyde.

Why Can’t I Get a Job?

Matt Vaughn, who has brought several stories to my attention, sent me these photos of people not in the work force.

They don’t have jobs not because bidnesses ain’t hirin’ or crummy economic policies emanating from our Federal Gubmint, but because they are Stoopid Fuckers! 

And the fact that they never took time to read the Dumbass News Job Hunting Guide.

I can’t get a job because: (read caption under photo)…

 Read the rest…..

I need a haircut.

 

The Sequel: Bug, Meet Windshield: Those Moments Just Before “Oh, Shit!”

Best of Dumbass News

Back!

Despite popular demand!

And death threats.

The Bugs, II

Read the rest…

 

How YOU Doin’?

 

Bug, Meet Windshield: Those Moments Just Before “Oh, Shit!”

Most of the time in life we are the windshield.

Then, without warning, we become the bug.

 The Bugs

 Read the rest….

Look, Ma! No Hands!

 

“He’s Drunk!”: The Loud Mouth Parrot, the Dumbass & the DUI Checkpoint!

I am a Former Professional Drinker.

I had a drinking problem.

Two hands, one mouth.

I have always been a Full Tilt Boogie, Damn the Torpedoes kind of guy.

I was this way when I was slammin’ down Barley Pop as well. (ed. note – for the benefit of the Yoopers out there, Barley Pop is beer)

Drinking wasn’t about getting buzzed.

It was about getting FUBARed – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.

And doing stoopid shit.

Nothing criminal, just dumb, silly stuff – dancing with the lampshade on your head kind of silly stuff.

I also had some of the Best Drinkin’ Buddies a Dumbass Could Ever Have. They had my back and if I did something extra stoopid, their lips were sealed.

What happened at The Dumbass Dome, stayed at The Dumbass Dome.

Then again, I never had a parrot as a member of my posse.

Read the rest…..

Guy Loses $20,000 of Drug Dealer’s Cash, Asks Cops to Write Excuse Note to Drug Guy!

Best of Dumbass News

John Wayne once said, “Life is hard. It’s even harder if you’re stupid.”

Who am I to argue with The Duke?

Those nine words are some of the most powerful ever spoken, ranking right up there with “I have a dream”, “Four score and seven years ago” and “Where’s the beef?” That’s walkin’ in some high oratory cotton right there.

Today’s story is the perfect illustration of what Mr. Wayne said.

Trouble in Tucson

Demarco Thomas must have a rough life.

He is stoopid.

Real stoopid.

Thomas was traveling through Tucson recently when he noticed that he’d misplaced some cash.

Twenty thousand dollars worth of cash! Now what on Earth would a guy like Demarco Thomas be doing with 20 Large in cash?

Do the words “alleged drug courier” mean anything to you?

So here’s an alleged drug courier who has somehow lost twenty. big. ones. Knowing this, I am able to deduce that not only has Demarco lost 20 Grand, he has lost someone else’s 20 Grand.

And who, pray tell, could this someone else be?

Read the rest….

Deflated Balloons Look Like Jellyfish to Stoopid Sea Turtles! Balloon Banning on Beach Ensues!

As you know, there are Dumbasses of every stripe breathing your air.

Some of the biggest Dumbasses are the Save the Earth/Animals Dipshits.

You know the kind.

The Dumbasses who pour paint on a fur coat while another Human Bean is still wearing it!

Or some numb nuts who sets car dealerships on fire to “save the world” from the scourge that is global warming, or should I say climate change?

don’t care, because climate change as these Dumbasses define it, is a fucking hoax. 

It might be worth noting here that pouring paint on a $5000 fur coat and saving the world by committing arson are what are known in legal parlance as “felonies”.

As for the Animal Rights Dumbasses, I like animals just fine.

I like them medium rare.

Since there’s not another planet we can send these Douchenozzles to, and other things I’d like to see done to them are against the law, ridiculing them and exposing them as the purveyors of hate for humans and vigilante violence against those who disagree with them for the idjits that they are, are my tools of choice.

Hence, I shall ridicule them until my ass falls off from laughing.

And my ass ain’t even loose yet.

Read the rest…..