I am a Former Professional Drinker.
I had a drinking problem.
Two hands, one mouth.
I have always been a Full Tilt Boogie, Damn the Torpedoes kind of guy.
I was this way when I was slammin’ down Barley Pop as well. (ed. note – for the benefit of the Yoopers out there, Barley Pop is beer)
Drinking wasn’t about getting buzzed.
It was about getting FUBARed – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.
And doing stoopid shit.
Nothing criminal, just dumb, silly stuff – dancing with the lampshade on your head kind of silly stuff.
I also had some of the Best Drinkin’ Buddies a Dumbass Could Ever Have. They had my back and if I did something extra stoopid, their lips were sealed.
What happened at The Dumbass Dome, stayed at The Dumbass Dome.
Then again, I never had a parrot as a member of my posse.