Monthly Archives: February 2014

How to Quit Smoking: Bitch Slap a Cop! At the Jail!

Best of Dumbass News

We are nothing if not civic-minded at Dumbass News. 

Our support for law enforcement officers in this country is unwavering and irrefutable. We have proven this time after time over the last three and a half years.

Take for instance the time we stood solidly behind a Philadelphia cop who was assaulted by a drunk Dumbass during Oktoberfest last year. This unprovoked attack on one of Philly’s Finest was met with a very provoked Cop Uses Baton to Beat the Dog Shit Out of a Drunk Dumbass Response.

We steadfastly supported the Man in Blue who was viciously beaten about the head and shoulders and upper extremities of his body by a sex toy wielding Mad Woman! I know you’ll find it hard to believe that this Dumbass Dame was drunk at the time of the incident.

Dumbass News was at the forefront of Dumbass Journalism when we brought the horrific story of  three Seattle Police Dudes who were faced with the split second decision that could have meant life or death. Well, OK, not exactly life and death, but they were assailed by a chick with duct taped boobs!

This type of lawlessness must not, and will not, be tolerated!

Unless it’s Dumbass News -worthy! 

Which leads us to today’s story.

Read the rest…..


Dumbass “Makes Love” to Hot Dominos Pizza, Burns His Pepperoni!

There are times when it’s best to simply shut up and let the story tell itself.

This is one of those times.

Read the rest…..

They Ain’t Kiddin’

 

Lesson Plan: Teacher Shows Up at School Drunk!

There are people out there with some tough jobs.

Jobs that are often thankless or taken for granted by the General Public.

Being a Law Enforcement Officer comes to mind.

When a cop is out on a call, he never knows what is gonna happen next.

He could come face to face with a psychotic killer with a Dirty Harry-type gun.

And a death wish.

Or he could get his ass kicked by a woman with duct taped tits. 

Even the seemingly mundane task of issuing a parking ticket could turn to shit.

Literally. 

Another oft-forgotten occupation, although a well-respected one, that is regularly over looked despite being demanding and time consuming as hell, is teaching.

Read the rest…..

Mom’s a Video Star! Caught On Cam Robbing Bank!

Best of Dumbass News!

It takes a Special Breed of Dumbass to rob a bank.

One Dumbass held up a bank, fled the premises and then, realizing the meager amount of money he had stolen, went back into the bank to get more!

Another Shit-For-Brains knocked over a bank, got the cash and quickly exited the place and promptly hopped into his getaway bus! A City bus.

Ramping up the Dumbassery to astronomical heights was a chick named Jasmyne. After one of her bank heists, she went home and promptly implicated herself on Facebook!

While today’s story involves a bank robbery, there’s a twist to it that would make Chubby Checker contort himself up like a pretzel.

Let me splain.

Read the rest…..

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Guy Gets Woke Up, Kicks Other Guy’s Ass, Gets Arrested! His Wife Responds to Dumbass News!

It’s not often that I receive an update to an old Dumbass News story.

Unless I do some serious journalism.

As a matter of fact, this post will be Number 1248 in a Trail of Dumbassery that dates back to September 19, 2010.

Guess how many times I have received any sort of update from readers to any of those 1247 previous stories?

Exactly. Three. Times.

And I got two of those just after midnight yesterday! 

Alert Dumbass stoo, Dumbass Emeritus was Stoo-on-the-Spot with regards to yesterday’s story pointing out some very pertinent information pertaining to the disposition of the legal case against a restaurant owner who created a porn site in the name of a lady who gave her restaurant a lousy review.

I thought, “Well, that’s pretty damn cool!”

Then, out of the blue, like Al Sharpton barreling towards a TV camera through a crowd of Hungry Raaaaacist Poor White Kids devouring the last of the Gubmint Cheese depriving Poor Minority Children of their much-needed Gubmint Cheese Allotment, I got a comment updating the status of another legal proceeding against a Dumbass I wrote about back in September, 2012! 

Cliff’s Notes review of that story: Neighbor wakes Dumbass up. Dumbass beats shit out of neighbor and throws him into an aquarium. Dumbass gets arrested.

Read the rest…..

Lady Gives Restaurant Bad Review; Rest. Owner Starts Porn Site in Reviewer’s Name!

Best of Dumbass News

From HuffPo via the Ottawa Citizen:

Let’s play “Make Believe”.

Let’s pretend that you are a restaurant owner and you give what a customer decides is lousy service and a sub par meal. That’s the customer’s right. It is also the right of the customer in question to post an online review of said lousy service and meal.

What would you do in such a case?

Marisol Simoes – Dumbass Bidness Owner/Sex Web Site Pro

I know what Marisol Simoes did.

She created a profile of the customer on a sex site!

Nothing good can come of this as Ms. Simoes learned.

The hard way.

Dumbass Diners: Stoopid Restaurant Signs!

Best of Dumbass News

I am a White Guy.

I am also (mostly) bi-lingual.

I was born and raised in Texas, so Spanish is my “second language”. I don’t speak it like a Native Spanish/Meskin Guy, but I do pretty good – for a Gringo that is. By the way, I can also read and write Espanol and can mostly keep up with what’s going on with TV shows on Univision and Telemundo. “El Chapulin Colorado” and “Llevatelo” were my favorite Meskin TV Shows.

Reading very simple Eye-talian and French are a part of my Furn Lingo Repe-twawr as well.

I am a Worldly Fearless Leader, to say the least.

Having said all that, I can say with a degree of certainty that foreign languages do not always translate well to English.

While today’s Adventure in Dumbass Land does not involve any Meskin Lingo, the principle remains the same – translation ain’t easy.

Especially when the translation involves going from some Oriental (mostly Chinese) idiom to American English.

The following restaurant signs make the point for me.

Read the rest…..

Ho Lee Phuk Signs 

Thank God my cat is laying right next to me as I type this.