Monthly Archives: March 2014

One Napkin Equals $1.5 Million Lawsuit Against McDonalds!

I never thought I’d ever write the following words:

McDonalds is a pox on American Society.

Man, that hurt. 

I have been eating at The Golden Arches for over fifty years! (And, boy am I full! Hahahaha!) That was so long ago that the McDonalds sign said “Over 13 Served”.

Anyway….

Mark down this day as The Day I Say Adios to Mickey D’s. 

Bonsoir, Big Mac. Que sera sera Quarter Pounder. Ciao Chicken McNuggets. Farewell, Filet O’ Fish (Now 2 for $3.33!)

I’m done with all you Rat McBastids! (2 for $5!)

Read the rest…..

British Schools Teach Crash Course in UFO Crashes!

I never thought I’d ever write the following words:

McDonalds is a pox on American Society.

Man, that hurt. 

I have been eating at The Golden Arches for over fifty years! (And, boy am I full! Hahahaha!) That was so long ago that the McDonalds sign said “Over 13 Served”.

Anyway….

Mark down this day as The Day I Say Adios to Mickey D’s. 

Bonsoir, Big Mac. Que sera sera Quarter Pounder. Ciao Chicken McNuggets. Farewell, Filet O’ Fish (Now 2 for $3.33!)

I’m done with all you Rat McBastids! (2 for $5!)

Read the rest…..

UFO

Dead Grandma Left in Storage Unit! For 18 Years!

Best of Dumbass News

Have you ever seen that TV show “Hoarders”? 

Each episode features some Dumbass who has a serious problem disposing of stuff he/she has in his/her home and just keep stockpiling junk until the inside of his house looks like an indoor land fill. The squalor these people live in is frakkin’ disgusting.

Some Crazy People Doctors say that hoarders suffer from some sort of mental disorder.

I say these doctors are correct.

Hoarders are fucking nuts.

I think the word “hoarder” comes from the Greek inhalusadhesivusalotis which translates to “I sniffed too much model airplane glue and now I am almost as smart as an amoeba”. Keep in mind that this is a rough translation.

Read the rest……

Fake Cop Plays “Hide the Night Stick” w/Real Hookers; NYPD Hit Hardest

Dumbasses run the gamut of the human experience – from the poorest of the poor to the heights and glory of the Presidency of the United States.

Somewhere between those two extremes lie cops and also hookers.  Both make regular appearances on the pages of Dumbass News.

Today’s story features a policeman and his pursuit of ladies of the evening.! Oh, the anticipation of it all is killing me, so let’s not waste another moment before getting down to the nitty gritty.

Read the rest…..

Chinese Dumbass to Airport Security: “I Have a Bomb Up My Ass!”

There are tons of good ways to get arrested.

We have covered some real doozies here at Dumbass News. 

One of the more stoopid things that lands a Dumbass in the Big House is bank robbery. The FBI, not to mention the targeted financial institution itself, tends to take a dim view of some idjit trying to make an unauthorized withdrawal through a felonious act. Besides that, banks have these really cool gizmos that observe the goings on of every damn square inch within its walls twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. They are called “surveillance cameras.”  

Robbing a gun store with a baseball bat ranks right up there on the I Am About As Smart As a Yak Turd Scale as well.

While these are very serious crimes and warrant very serious consequences, short of killing another human bean, these offenses are not nearly as serious as say, oh I don’t know, threatening to blow up an airport!

Read the rest…..

Look Out Dumpster Diving, Here Comes Doo Doo Diving!

Best of Dumbass News

The guy in the photo is a criminal

Bank robber? Nope.

Embezzler? Try again.

This man, Gary Moody, is a convicted “Toilet Pit Climber”. 

And a Dumbass.

I am intrigued by the term “Toilet Pit Climber”, so as a Professional Blogging Guy, it is my sworn at duty to get to the, er, uh, bottom of this.

As you may have guessed by now Our Friend Gary likes to climb into the pits of outhouses! Gary is a Doo Doo Diver!But!, you say, maybe Gary was plastered one time and did something extremely stupid – and disgusting. I wish that I could report to you that this is the case, but NO! Gary Moody is a Serial Doo Doo Diver!

Read the rest…..

Gun Tattoo Leads to SWAT Raid!

I am a Texan.

I am also a Foreigner.

In Maine.

Or as Mainers are prone to say, I am “from away”.

Away from what, I don’t know, but they say that a lot about non-native Mainerds.

Except for people from the state in which Boston is located. Residents of this area are commonly referred to as “Mass-holes”. With good reason.

While the Pine Tree State is a fine place to live and raise a family, it is also a great location for making fun of the way people talk.

I am of the firm belief that I am the only resident of this beautiful land that speaks like The Almighty His Own Self. For instance, take Down East Maine or as I call it The Lower Right Hand Corner of Maine. It is this region of the state that Mainers say stuff like, “Pahk the cah in the doah yahd and come on ovah heah and have some lobstah and buttah this Satdy.” 

I think it is very unlikely that The Creator would speak in such a manner. I am positive that when God texted the content of the Bible to the Joos, that he explicitly said “Y’all should…”, “Y’all shouldn’t…” and “if you sin I’ll slap a knot on your head so tall you’ll have to tiptoe to scratch it…” and stuff like that.

Google Translate’s God Language to Language of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Moses, Jim Bob and Other Guys Who Wrote the Bible must have been in Beta at that time. Thus the linguistic discrepancies.

Other than being separated by a common language, Texans and Maineiacs have a lot of similarities.

For instance, a love of and a respect for guns.

And tattoos.

And gun tattoos.

Read the rest…..