Monthly Archives: April 2014

Pet Lovers Special: Dumbass Animal Hospital Signs!

I know that many members of The Dumbass Horde are lovers of a vast array of God’s Little Critters.

But I am not here today to write about children.

Or midgets. 

I am specifically referring to creatures of a four-legged, reptilian or piscatorial nature. Note: my favorite Dumbass News story is about the New Years Eve Possum Drop in North Carolina.

Usually when I write about animals, it’s just to piss of the meth heads at PETA.

However, today I am extending an olive branch to the meth heads at PETA by bringing us all (non-meth head non-PETA members & meth head PETA members alike) together with something each of us has in common with the other – a love of animals.

I like my animals medium rare, PETA likes theirs virgin.

Well….not exactly animals per se, rather with humorous signs that have been spotted in front of veterinary clinics across the Fruited Plain.

What say you, PETA? Can we bury the hatchet?

Preferably smack dab in the middle of your mush-filled skulls!

Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

On that happy note……..

Welcome to The First Ever Edition of Dumbass Animal Hospital Signs!

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Does Drugs, Sets Self on Fire, Puts Fire Out in Car Wash! But, Wait, There’s More!

Before I get into today’s story, I’d like to thank pixie c d, aka, Chris Dean, for yesterday’s hilarious guest post. It was one of the most popular Guest Posts in the History of Dumbass News! If you have any more (and I know you do!) Dumbassery to share with the Dumbass Horde, Chris, you are more than welcome to further embarrass yourself on this blog at any time.

Also, a huge shout out to all of Chris’ readers at pixie c d for taking time to come over, read Chris’ post and leave some terrific comments. I hope y’all will stop by again.

I have traveled to, through and/or lived in over 30 of the fifty States in the Union.

North Dakota fills none of those bills.

For the Yoopers in the audience, that means “I ain’t never been there.” 

Therefore, I don’t know a helluva lot about The Dakota On Top.

I do, however, know that North Dakota is home to less than 750,000 people and the do a lot of oil bidness there.

There is a small town of about 18,000 North Dakota-ites, most of them White North Dakota-ites, named Mandan. I have never before heard of this burg.

Read the rest…..

Can You Show Me to the Nearest Car Wash, Please?

Until now.

Guest Post by Pixie C D aka Chris Dean! “A Subconscious Bent Toward Serial Public Indecency”

When Fearless Leader asked me if I’d like to share how much of a dumbass I am with y’all, I almost bounced outta my shorts with excitement! Of course, if you know me, you probably wouldn’t find that exactly out of the ordinary, considering I have a subconscious bent towards serial public indecency.

I Started Young

It all started in my teens with The Summer of the Swimsuit. (Yeah, it was bad enough my family named it.) The suit in question was a modest one piece that I wore with great…oh, who cares. It was a perfectly modest swimsuit, right up until it made contact with water, turning the white spandex into a wet tissue paper wrapping.

 

At least, that’s how it looked in every single picture from that summer. I still feel the need to crawl under a blanket and hide whenever I think about climbing the ladder to the high dive and the poor people in line behind (and under) me.

 I’m leaving the college years out of this, since there was alcohol involved. (Unless we’re talking about the times I stood on a friend’s roof and flashed the main drag during rush hour traffic. Which we’re not, so let’s just move on.)

Read the rest…..

A Plethora of Dumbass Love Stories!

Best of Dumbass News

Love.

Even Dumbasses believe in love.

 And romance.

Of course romance to a Dumbass is a rodeo warm Budweiser, a line of blow and a hooker.

When it comes to affairs of the heart, what do you expect from Dumbasses? Romeo and Juliet?

With Dumbasses, it’s more like Fatal Attraction.

Therefore, it’s only fitting that we continue with the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards with the prize for the Most Romantic Dumbass of 2013!

Read the rest…..

Granny With Gun to Bad Guys: Get Outta That Car! But It’s THEIR Car!

Best of Dumbass News

I can not attest as to the veracity of today’s Dumbass News.

With this admission I know that I am in danger of losing in one fleeting moment what has taken me two and a half years and millions of words to earn – your trust. Then again, if you put your trust in me, you are dumber than a box of yak poop.

Gun Totin’ Granny

Now, if my Grandmother were alive today, I would carefully examine this story for her name. Sadly, however, she went on the her Reward more than a decade ago. Therefore I am confident that the Little Old Lady in the story is not her – though it still wouldn’t surprise me if it were her! She was, without a doubt, the strongest person I have ever met in my life. Not strong as in Hercules, but strong as in determined and ruthless.

All five foot-nothin’, 90 pounds of her.

Read the rest…..

Guy Buys Illegal Gun, Promptly Shoots Self in the Nuts!

Best of Dumbass News 

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Beautiful words, those. That visionary statement is the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

There are, of course, exceptions to the Amendment. Like convicted felons owning guns and that sort of thing.

Which brings us to today’s story.

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Uses Bull Dozer to Re-Repo His Own Truck!

Wooooohooooo!

Another Dumbass on a Bulldozer story!

Just in case you missed the first Dumbass on a Bulldozer story, it was a humdinger! It’s the tale of a Dumbass driving a bulldozer while drunk!

Now that you have been regaled with that story, let’s move on to today’s Dumbass News.

The Relationship Between Dumbasses & Bulldozers

Why is it that Dumbasses have forged such a bond with bulldozers? Is there something about earth-moving equipment that calls to Dumbasses in a paranormal kind of way? “Come to me! You belong with me. Let’s commit felonies together!”, the bulldozer plaintively calls.

Read the rest…..