Monthly Archives: May 2014

Sucking 2nd Hand Ass Ruins Breathalyzer!

I am a Former Professional Drinker.

I had a drinking problem.

Two hands, one mouth.

I have always been a Full Tilt Boogie, Damn the Torpedoes kind of guy.

I was this way when I was slammin’ down Barley Pop as well. (ed. note – for the benefit of the Yoopers out there, Barley Pop is beer)

Drinking wasn’t about getting buzzed.

It was about getting FUBARed – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.

And doing stoopid shit.

Nothing criminal, just dumb, silly stuff – dancing with the lampshade on your head kind of silly stuff.

I also had some of the Best Drinkin’ Buddies a Dumbass Could Ever Have. They had my back and if I did something extra stoopid, their lips were sealed.

What happened at The Dumbass Dome, stayed at The Dumbass Dome.

Then again, I never had a parrot as a member of my posse.


Friday Facebook/Text Girlfriend FAIL!

Presented without comment.

Read the rest……

Dumbass Bimbos, Meth, Cocaine, Twerking & Peeing at the Court House!

Out of nearly 1400 posts and 3 1/2 years of doing Dumbass News, I’m not sure if I have ever written a story about twerking.

I shall do so today.

I am by no means an Expert on Twerking, but from what I understand it requires one to vigorously vibrate her ass up and down like she is trying shake loose a stubbornly stuck turd after a healthy session of “dropping the kids off at the pool.”

At least that the criterion I shall use for the purpose of today’s story.

What’s Shakin’ (Besides Females’ Asses)

A chick named Coura had to go to the Municipal Court in Vancouver, Washington to pay the fine for a traffic ticket.

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Bacon Photos of the Day!


Enough said.


Anti-Meat Pansies Want to Ban Bacon From Iron Pigs’ Baseball Stadium!


They are messing the Holiest of Foods Not Approved By the Council of Kosheridity.


I am speaking of course of bacon! 

And this time the culprits are not Moose Limbs, but Normal People.

Of course by “Normal People” I mean Dumbasses that are stoopid as yak shit and twice as smelly.

These Skid Marks on the Underwear of Life are an organized group of anti-meat pussies known as the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, or in the vernacular, “Dumb Fucks”.

The Dumb Fucks are not only on a rampage against bacon, but are also savagely attacking America’s Pastime – making fun of the Igmo in Chief, Barry Soetero. OK….I made that part up even though more Americans make fun of Preznit I-Didn’t-Know-About-the-VA-Scandal-Until-I-Saw-It-On-the-News than attend every baseball game in the country from Tee Ball to the Big Leagues in a full season.

Read the rest…..

My Guest Post at Pixie C D —> Bad Idea of the Day: I’m Not Graduating So I’ll Call in a Bomb Threat to the College!

Hey, Dumbasses! Chris Dean at Pixie C D has invited me to destroy her blogging cred by asking me to write a guest post!

Here we are at the end of May.

Birds are singing, gardens are in the ground and college students around the country will soon be departing their Institutions of Higher Learning to leave their marks on the world.

And by “leave their marks on the world” I naturally mean “enter rehab”. 

Or make bomb threats.

Sadly, bomb threats are fairly common today, even in the most unexpected of places – like Chinese airports and Guacamole Schools. 

And college graduations.

Let me splain.

Read the rest at pixie c d !!!!!

Dumbass Arrested for Having ATM & Knothole Sex in Public!

A Legacy.

We’d all like to leave a good one when we go to our Reward.<— That means when we DIE for those of you Stoned Dumbasses in Boulder.

You don’t have to be wealthy to leave a mighty fine Legacy upon your Departure From This Veil of Tears, although it would be nice to leave your loved ones a few million dollars when you croak.

A well-known Very Rich Asshole who has done really nice things with his fortune will not, in my opinion, leave behind what a Dumbass With Half a Brain (But, I repeat myself) would consider a “positive Legacy”.

Donald Sterling owns an NBA team and was recently confirmed to be a Bigoted Taint Stain On the Underwear of Life when a transvestite who is not his wife recorded a conversation between Donald and Itself in which Mr. Taint Stain said unkind things about Negroes.

What you may not know is that the “female” that Big Don was schtooping is 1/2 Meskin and 1/2 black!

Further, the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People) was just a few days away from honoring Mr. Sterling again as the NAACP Non-Colored Guy (Honky Division) Person of the Year for his financial generosity in helping the Negro Community of Greater Los Angeles achieve goals in education, housing and picking cotton.

I don’t know if this says more about Donald Sterling or the NAACP.

Now this brings us to the question of “What kind of Legacy will Lonnie Hutton of Tennessee pass on to his progeny?”

The Answer: the Legacy of a Picnic Table and ATM Fucker!

I. Ain’t Kiddin’.

Read the rest…..