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Here’s a Golden Oldie for y’all today, so the dates mentioned in the story will be out of whack with Reality.
I hope and trust that you Dumbasses had an outstanding 4th of July Week like we did here at the Dumbass Dome.
One of the Independence Day activities that stands out in my mind is the local 4th of July fireworks display, as it should be. The display took place smack dab on the banks of the beautiful Kennebec River meandering along side downtown Augusta. But this particular explosives extravaganza hit a little close to home. And by “close to home” I mean we were so near to the action that the shrapnel from the expended fireworks rained down on us all during the damn thing. A couple of people seated near us were nearly turned into Crispy Critters by falling fireworks residue – that was still on fire as it floated down to the ground. I ain’t kiddin’. Some of the pyrotechnics didn’t quite become extinguished as they fell to Earth and actually landed on people in the gathered mass of local Dumbasses.
Luckily, no one was injured with the possible exception of the one guy who ran like a scalded dog directly into the Kennebec River screeching at the top of his incinerated lungs something about “my fucking balls are on fire!” The local Fire Marshall had no comment.