Monthly Archives: September 2014

Meskins, Negroes & Lezbeans – Oh My!

I am a Texan.

As such I have been stereotyped as a “certain” kind of man, and it ain’t always nice, by Dumbasses who a) don’t know me from Barack Obama’s white half or b) assume that just because I am from Texas and a White Guy I must believe certain things. 

Because of my heritage, some douchenozzles automatically assume:

  1. I am a raaaaacist.
  2. I hate non-Americans, especially Meskins.
  3. I do not like, know nor associate with homos or lezbeans.

In other words, many (not all) folks in the more “progressive” part of our society call me a “Redneck”. And I don’t think they mean “Child of God” when they do.

Read the rest…..


Gubmint at Work: $3.2 Million to Study Drunk Monkeys!

I have never been a proponent of Big Gubmint.

The Constitution of the United States clearly stipulates that the power of the Federales is supposed to be very limited in scope – securing and defending our borders, making treaties and a few other things. All other powers are to be relegated to the various states.

That said, I have no problem with some sort of Gubmint funded entities doing stuff like medical research that could (and often do) lead to treatments and cures for serious and infectious diseases.

That said, it really frosts my gazebos when our tax dollars are used for obviously stoopid shit.

Did you know that $385,000 of your hard earned contributions to the United States Treasury have been wasted on some very socially relevant programs like studying duck penises? Whoever came up with must have been thinking to himself, “Climate change, schmliate change! I just fleeced the United States Gubmint of 385Gs for the advanced study of duck dicks! Go suck Swamp Donkey Nut Sacks, Al Gore!”  

Ahhhhh, but pride goeth before the fall! Or in this case, the duck dicks go before the lezbeans!

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Fishing Weekend Pt.3: Testicle-Eating Fish!

Best of Dumbass News

I am a Water Guy.

When I see a body of water – a creek, a river, a pond or a lake – I think “Fish!”

I am a fisherman.

Fish. Fear. Me.

I don’t like to swim, however, even though I am a good swimmer.

There’s shit in the water that will fuck you up. Like snakes. Or alligators. Even some species of fish.

Just ask the people who swim in the Oresund, a strait between Denmark and Sweden.

Invasive Species

Some Danish Dumbass was fishing in the Orelund recently when he caught what was to him a very unusual looking fish. This particular fish was indeed a strange resident of these waters because it is native to The Amazon!

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Fishing Weekend Pt.2: Assault & Bassery!

Best of Dumbass News

For those of you who are newcomers to Dumbass News, you may not know that I am a fisherman and a damn good one, too. Fish.Fear.Me. So, when a story is Dumbass News- worthy, I jump on that sucker like a duck on a June bug. And guess what? I found a fishing story that is Dumbass News-worthy!

In the winter, many residents of the northern half of the country don’t let frozen streams and lakes deter them from getting in a little fishing. They just get an auger and drill a hole into the iced up body of water, drop a line in that sucker and get after it.  Such is the case of a woman and two men who were recently ice fishing.

One of the Cardinal sins of fishing is to not invade another fisherman’s space by fishing in the immediate area he is fishing in or to fish too closely to him. It’s just common courtesy, but if that rule is broken, it could led to unpleasant  consequences like a shouting match, fisticuffs or worse. Like being assaulted with a trout. What???!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if you fish too close to another fisherman, he/she just might slap you upside the head with a fish. Fishermen are a serious bunch about their fishing hole being intruded upon.

For example, a lady in Michigan was ice fishing when she felt her fishing hole was intruded upon by two men. This is where the dumbassery begins.

Read the rest……

Dumbass Fishing Weekend Pt.1: East Texas Assault Weapon: Catfish!

Best of Dumbass News

Long time readers of Dumbass News that I am 100% against violence.

Unless it is necessary to the plot.

By “necessary to the plot” I mean “two or more lezbean hookers screaming, “Spank my ass, Big Daddy!”

We have chronicled some extremely “unique” assaults over the past 3 1/2 years. We have discovered assault that stemmed from:

Today we shall enter uncharted waters in the Sea of Ass Kickin’ (assault water of course).

Read the rest…..

College Golf Team Displays “Putters” for Nekkid Calendar!

I have been in contact via Facebook with some long-time friends of mine back home in Texas who have kids starting college this fall. Their offspring will be attending fine universities like Texas A & M – Commerce and the University of Texas at Tyler. It’s probably a good thing that my friends are very involved with their kids’ education and helped the youngsters make a decision on the school that is right for them. My friends, and by extension their children, will be pleased that Bethany College in Kansas was not among their final choices of institutions of higher learning.

Let me splain.

Not too long ago a few members of the men’s golf team at Bethany posed for a calendar. This was, however, no ordinary calendar! These young men posed nekkid using golf clubs to cover their gazebos and “putters”. I have never posed for nekkid photos for a calendar or any other publication, but I used to be a scratch (no pun intended) golfer and I have gazebos. I therefore feel that I am qualified to inject (again no pun intended) my golfing and gazebo knowledge into this conversation.

Read the rest…..

Tobacco: Gateway Drug to a Life of Crime!

It’s very difficult to get a majority of people to agree on any given subject. Can we agree on that? OK. There is one thing, however, on which a vast majority of any given 100 Americans at any given time will rally together. Smoking.

Whether you smoke or not, we all know that inhaling or chewing tobacco products is not a healthy thing. I am not preaching here as I have been on both sides of the smoking issue. I smoked for a number of years, quit cold turkey and after twelve years of being smoke-free, my Dad up and died on me in 2004 and for some real stoopid reason I started smoking again. I have yet to stop putting daily nails in my own coffin.

Read the rest…..