Category Archives: Felony

Christmas Cheer! Meet Leon, Adopted Felon of "Dumbass News"

Best of Dumbass News

 
Here’s some more Christmas cheer from last year. For those who are late to the Dumbass party, this is your chance to learn about Leon, the Adopted Felon of Dumbass News. After reading this post, you will not only know what kind of dumbass Leon is, but you, too, will love him to pieces. 
 
Ladies and gentlemen, Leon, Adopted Felon of Dumbass News.

 As we enter the home stretch for Christmas and the insanity only intensifies, I thought it would be a good time to bring you some news that will undoubtedly brighten your day. Better still, if you get down in the mouth or bored at the job, you can always return to this page, read this story once (or twice) more and, like magic, you will be uplifted all over again! Let’s shake off that Christmas anxiety with this item guaranteed to bring a smile to your otherwise I-look-like-I-just-found-out-that-my-wife-threw-away-a-winning-SuperLotto-ticket-worth-$60-million face. Onward and upward we go:

  • Our inspirational tale comes to us from Waco. For those of you who are not familiar with Waco, it is a very conservative town. Waco is home to Baylor University, the oldest university in Texas, and Baylor is a Baptist college, i.e., Waco is a very conservative city. Knowing this is true, to me at least, means that if you ever have to go through the criminal justice system, chances are that the jury of your peers hearing your case would be made up of very conservative (read: law and order types) people. To not realize this fact, you would have to be a dumbass. Leon Willis Wilkerson, 55, is a dumbass of the highest order. I mean this guy was beat with the Dumbass Stick. A lot. Here’s why : Leon has been through courts in McClennan County before – to the tune of twelve(!) misdemeanors and eight felonies! But, wait! There’s more! Our new friend Leon is a smoker. He was jonesing for a butt so bad, he stole a carton of cigarettes from a local store in Waco and got busted. This time, Leon’s journey through the legal system ended quite badly for him. Ol’ Leon ran into a jury of nice, conservative Baptists and those 12 people were nice enough to slap Mr. Wilkerson with 99 years in prison! For a carton of smokes! How dare they! Oh, wait. There were those eight other pesky felonies and twelve misdemeanors Leon had racked up. Being the nice, conservative Baptist people that they are, they determined Leon to be a habitual criminal – hence 99 years in the slammer. That’s 9.9 years per pack of Newports there, Leon.  I have a sneaky feeling that Leon will be smoking in prison, but it won’t be Newports, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dumbass.This little anecdote should be your inspiration to have a great pre-Christmas Tuesday. Your boss may suck, you may be extremely tired or you could be suffering from allergies or something, but things could be worse. You could be Leon. And Leon is a dumbass.

Merry Christmas.

 
Dumbass.

(hat tip to KDFW-TV, Dallas)

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Prison Bitch Saturday!

Howdy, Dumbasses!

Quick note: In the intro of today’s entry I mention the fact that I am sicker than shit. I feel that, as your Fearless Leader, you have a right to know when I feel like I was run over by a Twinkie Truck driven by a Bakers Union member. However, I am not sicker than shit. What you are about to read and lose IQ points over was put together last year. In other words, it’s the …

Best of Dumbass News

I am Back in the Saddle! Well, I am back just long enough to hook you up with a Best of Dumbass News post for today. Please allow me to elucidate.

Today is the first time in three days that I’ve been out of bed and I am leaning heavily towards plopping my happy white ass right back in it. If you’ll recall, I’ve been pissin’ and moanin’ about having The Crud over the last week or two. It has finally caught up to me with the vengeance of 1000 ex-wives with female lawyers with PMS suing for alimony. Simply put, I have been sicker than a cur dawg. I hope to be back to full strength by Monday. Until then, here’s a little something to hold you over for today.

Prison Bitches

I hope you enjoy the joy you’ll get by laughing your ass off at the misfortune, suffering and dumbassery of your fellow man. I know it always helps me feel better.  🙂

Dumbasses.

Outstanding Real-Life Dumabsses w/ Outstanding Real-Life Dumbass Names

As great a Research Assistant as Mrs. Fearless Leader is, there’s only so much she can do in helping to bring you the absolute best, or worst, depending on your perspective, Dumbass News available on the intar tubes. I wish I had a dozen of her. But she nixed the cloning idea out of hand as, as she put it it, “a bunch of bullshit, you motherfucker.” She’s direct and to the point when she’s nice to me like that.

I say this because the people at the HuffPo are lucky to have some stoopid fuck with more money than brains as an employer. I am sure they have all the latest technology and a handful of Dumbasses to gather stoopid shit from around the net. Why do you think that I steal use them as a starting point for so much of what I write about? They get all the good stuff, that’s why! I just make it better.

The rat bastids.

But I still got Mrs. Fearless Leader. And she’s the best in the bidness.

Screw HuffPo. In a metaphorical kind of way, of course.

But I digress.

Dumbass Spew Alert: Be Seated and Consume No Liquids

I frequently write about Dumbass Newspaper Headlines and Dumbass Criminals like the guy who tried to kill another man with a toilet seat! 

Usually the dip shits who commit these acts of Dumbassery have normal-type names, like John Smith or ray Freeman. However! Thanks to the Dumbass department at HuffPuffIDipSnuff, i am glad to report that there are some Bad Guys out there with names only belong to a Dumbass!

For example…

Examples

A guy in South Florida was recently invited to be a guest of the Miami-Dade County Crossbar Hilton after he pulled a Felony Trifecta (assault, resisting an officer, probation violation & more). His name? (Ad Lib Spew Alert Reminder!) Jackmeoff Mudd! I kid you not!

But wait! There’s more!!!

In Wisconsin, a Dumbass got busted for a bunch of stuff. His handle (and I ain’t makin’ this up!) is Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop.  

These two numbnuts are only the beginning of the Dumbasses with Dumbass Names Class of ’12. There is also Leonard G. Dickman and Donald Duck. Daniel Noody, Draco Slaughter (a bomb scare guy) and Joseph Moron also make the list

We can’t discount Dalcapone Alpaccino Morris, sex offender Mister Love or Tyrannusaurus Rex Mullens, also a pervert who should be strung up by the gazebos until he is grave yard dead and agood ole Patrick Molesti who is just an ordinary Dumbass Crook, not a sex offender.

If you’d appreciate a belly laugh or two, click on over to the HuffPo slide show featuring outstanding Dumbass photos of our Inaugural Group of Dumbasses with Dumbass Names (Class of ’12). It’s worth the look.

Dumbasses.

Lady Wants to Get Married, Become American; Beats the Hell Out of Boyfriend Instead

Lookin’ for Love

I am an America and damned proud to be one. I love this country more than everything but God and Family. Evidently there are millions of others around the world who love the good ole USA also. While hundreds of thousands go through the immigration system to become American citizens, others try, and many succeed, in entering the country illegally. Then are the lucky foreign nationals who are already here and trying like hell to stay here. These people realize that we’ve got it pretty good.

Sometimes immigrants use nefarious ways to gain American Citizenship. Like marriages of convenience – marrying an American citizen in order to not be deported.

Did somebody out there say “Dumbass”?

Well, it just so happens……


Wanting a New VISA (and I Don’t Mean Credit Card)

Nikoleta Karoly is a foreigner with a just-about-to-expire-VISA. She desperately wants to stay in the United States. She is so adamant about staying here that she was willing to marry her boyfriend so she would not be sent back to her country of origin, which no doubt is some Communist Hellhole. Like Massivetwoshits.

There was, however, one teensy weensy hitch in Niki’s plan to marry her beau and remain in the US. The groom-to-be did not want to be a groom. No matter how you view this situation, this minute detail throws a monkey wrench into Niki’s plan. Another small detail not to be overlooked is the fact that Nikoleta is now a felon.

Well, somebody sure pissed in her Cheerios, didn’t they?

Wedding Bell Blues

Upon being told that The Guy did not want to marry her, thereby blowing her immediate chances of not being deported, Niki became a bit upset. And by a “bit upset”, I mean she beat the shit out of her boyfriend. Yep, nothing says “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, you American pig” like a good ole country ass kickin’.

According to the American Pig Boyfriend, this was not the first time that Niki was violent towards him because he was hesitant to marry her. I, for one, am all about a serious “come to Jesus” meeting when it’s necessary to the plot, but this is not the method best-suited for encouraging one’s lover into the Holy bond of matrimony.

But, then again, I am a Dumbass. What do I know?

What I Know

I know that:

  • Nikoleta Karoly is now in the Collier County (FLA) Jail.
  • Nikoleta Karoly may well spend some time in a nice comfy Florida State Prison.
  • Nikoleta Karoly will not become an American citizen.
  • Nikoleta Karoly’s boyfriend is a pussy for letting a woman beat his ass.

And…..

  • Nikoleta Karoly will not be getting married to an American Pig any time soon. Unless it’s to a fellow inmate at an FLA Women’s Correctional Facility whose nickname is “Spike” who is also in The Slammer for beating the shit out of her boyfriend.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Helps Girlfriend Pay Rent – By Robbing a Bank!

Raymond & “Friend”

Love is a powerful thing. Real powerful. Love has caused men and women to do some of the most dumbass things humanly possible. One of the greatest artists of all time, Vincent Van Gogh, was so in love with a woman that when she wouldn’t give him the time of day, much less “some” (IFKWIMAITYD), the stoopid bastard cut off his own ear! That’s a bit of an extreme example, maybe, but even in the realm of Super Heroes, his Super Love for Lois Lane was so strong that The Man of Steel hisownself gave up his powers to spend his life with her. I’ve only got one thing to say about that. Lois must have had some mighty good, er, um, uh, “groceries” for Superman to do something that radical. But, as they say, that’s the way love goes.

Love Pays the Rent 

There’s a dumbass in Florida named Raymond Schaefer  who was deeply in love with a young lady and he would do almost anything to prove his feelings for her. When I say “almost anything”, I, of course mean rob banks. You see, Ray was faced with a situation that pitted his love for this woman against his common sense. Guess which one won out?

The deal was that Ray’s gal needed money to pay her rent. Good ole Raymond, ever the romantic gentleman,told his sweetie not to fret over the rent money because he had an idea. His actual words were, and I quote, “Sweetie, don’t you fret over the rent money because I have an idea.” Sweetie was taken aback and all of a sudden her heart had a warm fuzzy feeling. She replied to Ray, “Ray, I am taken aback and all of a sudden my heart has a warm fuzzy feeling.” When recounting a conversation of such import, I am accurate if nothing else.

Amore and Felonies

Eager to please his chick and ready for his own little trip to the “grocery store”, Ray went about the task of accruing rent money for his honeybunch. So, he went to the bank to make a withdrawal. With a note and a gun. It is my understanding that Federal authorities take a dim view of such methods of getting money from a financial institution.This sort of thing irritates the Feds so much that they are more than happy and willing to house a man like Raymond for 5 – 15 years with the State of Florida picking up the tab.

But wait there’s more! It seems that the young lady who had Ray’s heart in her hands needed more “rent money” than she had anticipated. Fear not! Ray’s love knew no bounds, so he once again set out to acquire the cash for his lover. His decision was a simple one. In order to keep his bimbo housed was to – you guessed it! – rob another bank!

I told you love would make a grown man do some downright dumbass stuff. Ray proves my point.

Free Room and Board

Soon after the second “rent money run”, the Long Arm of the Law caught up with Raymond – at a…wait…for…it…substance abuse treatment facility! Now who in the hell would have ever thought such a thing possible? Our man Ray? An abuser of substances? Go figger.

Long story short, Mr. Schaefer eventually confessed to his wrong doings and is at present a guest of the Florida Department of Corrections. What a sad ending to the love story of the ages. Ray lost his girl, his freedom and after a few days in the slammer, his hiney virginity, just so he could help a damsel in distress. What chivalry! What devotion! What a fucking moron!

On the bright side, Raymond gets three squares a day, a place to sleep and all the “prison love” he can handle. Rent free.

Dumbass.

Leon, Our Adopted Felon Says Merry Christmas!

Here’s some more Christmas cheer from last year. For those who are late to the Dumbass party, this is your chance to learn about Leon, the Adopted Felon of Dumbass News. After reading this post, you will not only know what kind of dumbass Leon is, but you, too, will love him to pieces. Ladies and gentlemen, Leon, Adopted Felon of Dumbass News.

 As we enter the home stretch for Christmas and the insanity only intensifies, I thought it would be a good time to bring you some news that will undoubtedly brighten your day. Better still, if you get down in the mouth or bored at the job, you can always return to this page, read this story once (or twice) more and, like magic, you will be uplifted all over again! Let’s shake off that Christmas anxiety with this item guaranteed to bring a smile to your otherwise I-look-like-I-just-found-out-that-my-wife-threw-away-a-winning-SuperLotto-ticket-worth-$60-million face. Onward and upward we go. :

  • Our inspirational tale comes to us from Waco. For those of you who are not familiar with Waco, it is a very conservative town. Waco is home to Baylor University, the oldest university in Texas, and Baylor is a Baptist college, i.e., Waco is a very conservative city. Knowing this is true, to me at least, means that if you ever have to go through the criminal justice system, chances are that the jury of your peers hearing your case would be made up of very conservative (read: law and order types) people. To not realize this fact, you would have to be a dumbass. Leon Willis Wilkerson, 55, is a dumbass of the highest order. I mean this guy was beat with the Dumbass Stick. A lot. Here’s why : Leon has been through courts in McClennan County before – to the tune of twelve(!) misdemeanors and eight felonies! But, wait! There’s more! Our new friend Leon is a smoker. He was jonesing for a butt so bad, he stole a carton of cigarettes from a local store in Waco and got busted. This time, Leon’s journey through the legal system ended quite badly for him. Ol’ Leon ran into a jury of nice, conservative Baptists and those 12 people were nice enough to slap Mr. Wilkerson with 99 years in prison! For a carton of smokes! How dare they! Oh, wait. There were those eight other pesky felonies and twelve misdemeanors Leon had racked up. Being the nice, conservative Baptist people that they are, they determined Leon to be a habitual criminal – hence 99 years in the slammer. That’s 9.9 years per pack of Newports there, Leon.  I have a sneaky feeling that Leon will be smoking in prison, but it won’t be Newports, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dumbass.

This little anecdote should be your inspiration to have a great pre-Christmas Tuesday. Your boss may suck, you may be extremely tired or you could be suffering from allergies or something, but things could be worse. You could be Leon. And Leon is a dumbass.

(hat tip to KDFW-TV, Dallas)

No Matter How You Slice It, This Chick is a Dumbass

Try Our New Felony Loaf!

Over the past fourteen plus months, I have written about some real dumbass stuff on these very pages. And when I say dumbass, I mean stories about people with the I.Q. of a spitwad. These spitwads include the guy who was stranded on an island for five days just offshore in California before even trying to use his cell phone! This has been one of the most popular posts since I started the blog. This fact leads me to believe that many of you have been through a similar experience only you didn’t use you cell phone to call for help, you sent smoke signals…..from a joint. Sheesh.Then there was the one about the guy who was “short-changed” by a hooker, so he sued her! What of value he get from a hooker? Stilletos? STDs? What the hell ever, let’s move on.

Our little adventure into Dumbass World today takes us again to the Sunshine State of Florida, where a dumbass broad goes ape shit over toast.

Gettin’ Toasted

Maria Acevedo, our Dumbass of the Day, came home one afternoon to find her sixteen year old sister using her (Maria’s) bread to GASP! toast! I swear, young people today, what won’t they do? Maria took exception to this event and scolded her younger sibling with great vigor and excitement. And by “scolding with great vigor and excitement” I mean Maria beat the dawg shit out if her sister. See? Maria was very excited. Here’ where the “great vigor” part comes into play. Maria vigorously pounded the sister with a six inch metal frying pan about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of her body. And as if that wasn’t vigorous enough, Maria also pulled her sister’s hair and smashed her skull against the floor. And all this “vigor” took place after the sister apologized! Arrest and incarceration ensued.

What I Think 

Maria, Maria, Maria. Just what are we gonna do with you, young lady? There are several issues concerning this incident that I’d like to address. 1) It’s not a very smart thing to do to beat the snot out of a minor, especially when you are of the majority age. Can you say “felony”? 2) My “assaulting a minor” to Maria is: NEVER and I mean NEVER use a frying pan to try and crack a young person’s skull. This, too, is known as a felony. 3) One last thing, Maria…sell some of that crack you’ve been smoking and soon you’ll have enough cash flow to buy a whole damn bread truck.

You’re welcome.

Dumbass.