Category Archives: Uncategorized

Boyfriend Won’t Give You “Some”? Beat His Ass!

WARNING! Probably NSFW! Be On The Lookout for the Boss!

Yearning for Freedom…And BOB

S-E-X.

Three little letters with such a profound meaning.

Or result.

Or consequences.

Or something.

“Normal” people, and Dumbasses too, need, want and crave sex. Having said that, however, there are limits to which a Dumbass (including for the sake of brevity and my poor typing skillz, henceforth, “normal” people too) wanting to get laid must adhere to. Period.

There’s another small but powerful word for sexual overtures that are either unwanted or unwelcome. That word is RAPE. Unless you are a sexual deviant, or from Iran, but I digress, non consensual sex is a no no.


End of story. 

No ifs, ands or unwanted spankings.

99.999999999% of criminal complaints about forced sex have men as the perpetrator. There are, however, some rare cases that involve women as the aggressor in these situations. Yes, I’m looking at you sex-starved hottie school teachers who coerce some lucky 16 year old bastard poor young man into a game of hide the Teenie Weenie with promises of better grades at school and daily blowjobs.

Today’s story is one in which the young lady is the horny bimbo going to extreme measures in order to do the Horizontal Hula.

Read the rest…..

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We Salute Dumbass Bidness Ideas!

The greatest asset this country has is its people.

Americans by nature are rugged individualists. Except for Obama voters. They are just stoopid fuckers. But, I digress.

Anyway, Americans in general will see a problem and instinctively look for a way to solve it. We see a need and seek a way to fulfill it.

In other words, we Americans are an industrious bunch. Again with the exception of O-bots, who are, generally speaking, a cabal of lazy motherfuckers. Now before you go postal on me because of my opinion about Obamatrons, I know that many of them are good, decent hard working folks. The fact remains, however, that they are good, decent, hard working stoopid fuckers. Again, I digress.

Overall though, Americans will see an opportunity and seize it.

Take dog poop for example.

Read the rest…..

Meow-za! Dumbass Eats Cat Hair!

Best of Dumbass News

Two things up front.

  1. Today’s story is sickening. Not sickening like each of the other over 1100 Dumbass News posts, I mean nauseatingly, projectile pukingly sickening. You have been warned. 
  2. If the woman in this story isn’t named the winner of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award for 2013, I’ll kiss your ass in the middle of downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd.

Let the stomach churning begin!

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Assault: Attack with Dildocular Object!

Best of Dumbass News

Most of are pretty fortunate to have (or had, if she has gone on to her Reward) good Moms.

I, for one, realize that Ma Fearless Leader is a keeper.

I have done some stoopid shit in my life and Ma has always been there for me when other family members and people who I thought were my friends abandoned me like Preznit Stomp Feet has dumped (on) our Constitution.

Don’t get me wrong, Ma FL didn’t always treat me like “Poor Baby Fearless Leader”, she has lit my ass up more times than I care to mention.

Still she did it with love.

And a cast iron skillet to the skull.

Please understand I will tell anyone, anytime to politely “go lick a sweaty swamp donkey’s nut sack”. Including Preznit Head Up His Ass. But not my Mom, the Pope or the Reverend Billy Graham. <— Dumbass News, Rule 1.

There are, however, Dumbasses who, shall we say, have very little respect for their Maternal Parentage. No, we shall say that some Dumbasses need their spleen extracted. Through their asshole. By the Barbed Cock of Satan.

Cara Claffy (say that three times real fast) is just such a Dumbass.

Read the rest…..

Dirt Nap Dilemma: No More Graves = More Commie-cide!

Best of Dumbass News

I have been railing against ObamaCare since the beginning.

It’s a terrible idea.

Even Dumbass News- approved Doctors have chimed in on this Health Care Clusterfuck.

On paper and in theory, it looks and sounds good, but somebody’s got to pay for that shit. On top of that, when the Gubmint runs something it is inevitably a disaster. Here are a few examples of what I mean.

Over in Communist Red China they have a Gubmint-run health care system too – cradle to grave coverage for over a billion Chinamen.

Well, that’s not exactly true. The “cradle” part is accurate, it’s the “grave” part that ain’t up to snuff.

Let me splain.

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Yard Sale: Sell Stuff Stolen From Church!

Best of Dumbass News

The family that plays together, stays together.

Sometimes after they play together, they even go to The Slammer together.


Let Us Play

For millions of families across The Fruited Plain, a Family Game Night would include a Monopoly marathon, Uno, jigsaw puzzles or some other form of activity that brings a family together not only to play, but to bond and actually communicate with each other.

Other families might play Charades, watch a movie or burglarize a church…..

What???

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Medicine: Funny as Hell Doctors Names!

Fine, Howard & Howard, PhD(umbasses)

As I have explained on this Very Fun & Informative Weblog before, I have some health issues that require me to see several medical professionals that specialize in various areas of medicine and mental health.

In medical parlance these areas are known osteopathy, pain management and psychiatry. In the vernacular, these Doctors are known as Doctors that Treat Crazy, Beat-to-Shit Almost Old Dumbasses. On a more personal level, I refer to this as Fucked Up.


Over the course of my lifetime I have had some Doctors with some strange, if not downright frightening, names.

For example, as a child my pediatrician’s name was Dr. Hooker. When I was a teenager my main sawbones was named, and I ain’t making this up, Dr. Manual Slaughter. I can assure you that it is a bit disconcerting the have an Old Guy, PhD named Slaughter, cup your gazebos and say, “Turn your head to the left and cough.” I can also assure that there were no visions of sugar plums dancing in my head.

With that in mind, I did a cursory Bing search for “doctors with fucked up names”.

Read the rest…..


I found these:

Not a Coke Head.