Tag Archives: Assault

Dildocular Beat Down!

Best of Dumbass News

Most of are pretty fortunate to have (or had, if she has gone on to her Reward) good Moms.

I, for one, realize that Ma Fearless Leader is a keeper.

I have done some stoopid shit in my life and Ma has always been there for me when other family members and people who I thought were my friends abandoned me like Preznit Stomp Feet has dumped (on) our Constitution.

Don’t get me wrong, Ma FL didn’t always treat me like “Poor Baby Fearless Leader”, she has lit my ass up more times than I care to mention.

Still she did it with love.

And a cast iron skillet to the skull.

Please understand I will tell anyone, anytime to politely “go lick a sweaty swamp donkey’s nut sack”. Including Preznit Head Up His Ass. But not my Mom, the Pope or the Reverend Billy Graham. <— Dumbass News, Rule 1.


There are, however, Dumbasses who, shall we say, have very little respect for their Maternal Parentage. No, we shall say that some Dumbasses need their spleen extracted. Through their asshole. By the Barbed Cock of Satan.


Cara Claffy (say that three times real fast) is just such a Dumbass.

Read the rest…..

Advertisements

1 Year Ago Today: Bitch Slap a Cop & Quit Smoking!

Best of Dumbass News

We are nothing if not civic-minded at Dumbass News. 

Our support for law enforcement officers in this country is unwavering and irrefutable. We have proven this time after time over the last three and a half years.

Take for instance the time we stood solidly behind a Philadelphia cop who was assaulted by a drunk Dumbass during Oktoberfest last year. This unprovoked attack on one of Philly’s Finest was met with a very provoked Cop Uses Baton to Beat the Dog Shit Out of a Drunk Dumbass Response.

We steadfastly supported the Man in Blue who was viciously beaten about the head and shoulders and upper extremities of his body by a sex toy wielding Mad Woman! I know you’ll find it hard to believe that this Dumbass Dame was drunk at the time of the incident.

Dumbass News was at the forefront of Dumbass Journalism when we brought the horrific story of  three Seattle Police Dudes who were faced with the split second decision that could have meant life or death. Well, OK, not exactly life and death, but they were assailed by a chick with duct taped boobs!

This type of lawlessness must not, and will not, be tolerated!

Unless it’s Dumbass News -worthy! 

Which leads us to today’s story.

Read the rest…..

Brotherly Love: Bro Pulverized by Pot Plant!

We have discovered and reported on an endless stream of Dumbass News stories about pot. Weed. The Herb Superb. Reefer. Marijuana.

  • Truck load of pot crashing and passersby gathering up the spilled weed? Check.
  • Buying pot online and having it shipped to your house via the U. S. Mail? Yep.
  • How about a lawyer reaching into his shirt pocket for something and a joint falls out. In the courtroom! We’ve got that too.

There are many other Dumbass News stories in which pot is a major player, but none of them even come close to today’s Marijuana Melodrama.

Let me splain.

Read the rest……

 

Dumbass Mom Slaps Kid at School! Yikes! Wrong Kid!

Best of Dumbass News

Have you ever come across twins or triplets so identical you wonder how anyone can tell them apart?

I have.

One time many years ago I was at a Dairy Queen in Tyler, Texas having a cheeseburger when a nice family came in. First in was a little boy, followed by Mom. Dad was holding the restaurant door open for the rest of the group. In walks a little girl closely tailgated by another little girl who looked exactly like the first girl. I thought, “That’s cool. Twins!”

I was wrong.

Read the rest…..

A few nano seconds after that another little girl came through the door. She looked exactly like the two other girls who came in before her. I remember thinking, “Wow! That’s something you don’t see every day! Triplets!”

I was wrong.

Again.

Dad is still holding the door open when…you guessed it…yet another little girl walked in.

Quadruplets!

I’m telling you that it was damn near impossible to tell which girl was which. It was like the same little girl had walked into the Dairy Queen and somehow sneaked back outside and re-entered the place three more times!

I have never before that moment nor since seen anything quite like that.

Which brings us back to our opening question. How the hell does anybody, besides Mom and Dad, tell kids like this one from the other? If they were a precocious quartet, I bet they could pull some bodacious swaparoony tricks on some folks.

But what if the kid was a singleton? Easy to I.D., right?

Wrong.

Boyfriend Won’t Give You “Some”? Beat His Ass!

WARNING! Probably NSFW! Be On The Lookout for the Boss!

Yearning for Freedom…And BOB

S-E-X.

Three little letters with such a profound meaning.

Or result.

Or consequences.

Or something.

“Normal” people, and Dumbasses too, need, want and crave sex. Having said that, however, there are limits to which a Dumbass (including for the sake of brevity and my poor typing skillz, henceforth, “normal” people too) wanting to get laid must adhere to. Period.

There’s another small but powerful word for sexual overtures that are either unwanted or unwelcome. That word is RAPE. Unless you are a sexual deviant, or from Iran, but I digress, non consensual sex is a no no.


End of story. 

No ifs, ands or unwanted spankings.

99.999999999% of criminal complaints about forced sex have men as the perpetrator. There are, however, some rare cases that involve women as the aggressor in these situations. Yes, I’m looking at you sex-starved hottie school teachers who coerce some lucky 16 year old bastard poor young man into a game of hide the Teenie Weenie with promises of better grades at school and daily blowjobs.

Today’s story is one in which the young lady is the horny bimbo going to extreme measures in order to do the Horizontal Hula.

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Assault: Attack with Dildocular Object!

Best of Dumbass News

Most of are pretty fortunate to have (or had, if she has gone on to her Reward) good Moms.

I, for one, realize that Ma Fearless Leader is a keeper.

I have done some stoopid shit in my life and Ma has always been there for me when other family members and people who I thought were my friends abandoned me like Preznit Stomp Feet has dumped (on) our Constitution.

Don’t get me wrong, Ma FL didn’t always treat me like “Poor Baby Fearless Leader”, she has lit my ass up more times than I care to mention.

Still she did it with love.

And a cast iron skillet to the skull.

Please understand I will tell anyone, anytime to politely “go lick a sweaty swamp donkey’s nut sack”. Including Preznit Head Up His Ass. But not my Mom, the Pope or the Reverend Billy Graham. <— Dumbass News, Rule 1.

There are, however, Dumbasses who, shall we say, have very little respect for their Maternal Parentage. No, we shall say that some Dumbasses need their spleen extracted. Through their asshole. By the Barbed Cock of Satan.

Cara Claffy (say that three times real fast) is just such a Dumbass.

Read the rest…..

Dumbass Assaults Brother w/Pot Plant!

We have discovered and reported on an endless stream of Dumbass News stories about pot. Weed. The Herb Superb. Reefer. Marijuana.

  • Truck load of pot crashing and passersby gathering up the spilled weed? Check.
  • Buying pot online and having it shipped to your house via the U. S. Mail? Yep.
  • How about a lawyer reaching into his shirt pocket for something and a joint falls out. In the courtroom! We’ve got that too.

There are many other Dumbass News stories in which pot is a major player, but none of them even come close to today’s Marijuana Melodrama.

Let me splain.