Tag Archives: Colorado

2 Years Ago Today: Thief Uses I D to Buy Beer From Lady She Stole I D From!

Best of Dumbass News


Thanks to my long time friend Matt Vaughn in Texas, today we are breaking new ground in the sink hole that is Dumbass News. I’ve come to expect stuff like this from Matt because he is one of the biggest Dumbasses I know. I must admit, however, that I am a bit jealous of Matt. And by “jealous” I of course mean that I would pay an exorbitant amount of money to one of my wife’s Eye-talian uncles  (Sicilian, naturally) to put Young Matthew to “sleep with the fishes”, IYKWIMAITYD. This would be easy to accomplish because my buddy Matt lives near one of my old fishing holes, Lake Ray Hubbard. This is one of the reasons I am jealous of my friend – because he lives so damn near the lake. Another reason I am envious of Matt is because he has a Harley and I don’t. Having said all this, you can easily see why Matthew deserves a fate of nothing less than becoming catfish food.

So, Matt, if you wake up one morning with a severed horse head in your bed, it’s nothing personal, bro. It’s just bidness.

Read the rest……

 

A Decade As a Dumbass Family: 10 Years With Mrs. Fearless Leader!

 

Ten Years Ago Today:

  • I had just moved from Tyler,Texas to Central City, Colorado.
  • I made a phone call that changed the course of my life.
  • During that phone call the tread on my hiking boots got caught on a very small step on the front porch sidewalk.
  • I fell on my ass.
  • And kept falling for twelve steps and about 8 verticle feet.
  • I broke my elbow in five places.
  • I bled like a stuck cabrito (goat) at a Meskin BBQ.
  • I threw the phone.
  • It landed in the street which was another 8 verticle feet and twelve more steps lower than where I landed once I stopped tumbling.
  • About twenty-five yards away from me.
  • In two different pieces in two different directions!
  • That phone still works.
  • The Young Lady On the Other End of the Line thought I had hung up on her.
  • No, I was bleeding to Death with five extra pieces in my left elbow.
  • The Young Lady On the Other End of the Line is now my wife.

The 10 Year Journey

Here’s an long excerpt from a story I wrote a while back that further explains things. 

I came here on a whim, unannounced, and my life changed forever – for the first time I laid my eyes on Heather and Issy in real life.

Back Story: I first got to know Heather in an AOL Chat Room back in 2004. (Don’t laugh yet!) All I knew about her was that she was a single Mom with a then almost-two-year-old Baby Girl, Isabella. I noticed in that Chat Room that Heather was not, shall we say “shy”. I liked that.

Read the rest…..

Drunk Dumbass-On-a-Tractor Fun & Felonies!

During my 30+ year Big Game Hunting, Fishing and Professional Drinker Rampage Extravaganza, I did some really stoopid shit.

Most of it I can’t write about because the Statute of Limitations on many of those “youthful indiscretions” has not yet run out.

In spite of some of the “more questionable” conduct in my past, I can, without reservation, confess to you that I never:

While these are each and every one exemplary endeavors for any Drunk Dumbass, much to my chagrin (except for crashing in a garbage truck), I never acted out nor participated in any of these activities.

Although the “gettin’ some” while cruising down I-95 sounds rather inviting.

Note to Self: ask Mrs. Fearless Leader if she would be in favor of taking a nice “Sunday Drive” some day soon. IYKWIMAITYD.

I have not partaken of any sort of distilled spirits, beer, wine or any other form of adult libation in over four years. Sad, ain’t it?

I must admit that I get a little envious of some of my friends when they get hammered and do something “out of the ordinary”. Especially when doing something “out of the ordinary” involves tractors.

“Drunken Tractor Tomfoolery”, or for me, lack thereof, is why I am jealous of Joshua Viau of Cheboygan, Colorado.

Allow me to elucidate.

Josh got tanked up one night and as is customary, obligatory even, for a Drunk Dumbass hopped on a tractor and took a ride around town.

Then he ran into the cops.

Literally.

Read the rest…..

Lady Needs I D to Order Beer; Presents Stolen I D; To Waitress She Stole It From!

Best of Dumbass News

Our story today involves I D theft.

This is a first for Dumbass News.

In the past I have written about this stoopid bitch that was cashing Social Security checks – that were written to her DEAD boyfriend! There was also the time that we discovered that credit card theft is a gateway to becoming a smoker.

While cashing gubmint checks made out to your dead boyfriend and credit card theft are fine felonies indeed, they don’t compare to the Dumbassery we will learn about today.

Read the rest…..

Brianna

Lady Needs I D to Order Beer; Presents Stolen I D; To Waitress She Stole It From!

Best of Dumbass News

Our story today involves I D theft.

Brianna

This is a first for Dumbass News.

In the past I have written about this stoopid bitch that was cashing Social Security checks – that were written to her DEAD boyfriend! There was also the time that we discovered that credit card theft is a gateway to becoming a smoker.

While cashing gubmint checks made out to your dead boyfriend and credit card theft are fine felonies indeed, they don’t compare to the Dumbassery we will learn about today.

Read the rest…..

Guy Kills Other Guy; Judge Says Pay $36,000 for Funeral!

I have written many stories about dead people for Dumbass News. For a plethora (<==gratuitous El Guapo link) of reasons, I have deemed that each of these stories contained the requisite amount of dumbassery needed to make it into “print”.

Some Examples of Dead Guy Stories

Strangely enough, and befitting this blog, two of the most popular Dead Guy Stories involve sex. I’m tellin’ ya that there’s a lot of dyin’ goin’ on when people are bumpin’ uglies.

 Read the rest…..

 

FLUSHED: $10,000 Worth of Jewelry

Today’s story involves lost jewelry. Very expensive lost jewelry.

That’s one thing I have never understood. Why people wear expensive baubles and beadfs aroung like most other people wear watches or wedding rings. Are they showing off? Maybe. Are the just doing what they think is OK? Probably. Could it be that they are just plain old Dumbasses? Most likely.

The worst offenders in this type of “Look at me!” Dumbassey are rappers and athletes. Even the White Guys. I have seen White Guys wearing chains big enough to use on a Harley. The Black Guys, though, bring bling beyond blinding to blistering., like looking directly at the Sun through a telescope without the proper Solar filters. That’s some bright shit, bro!

Read the rest…..