Tag Archives: Dumb Criminals

2 Years Ago Today: Thief Uses I D to Buy Beer From Lady She Stole I D From!

Best of Dumbass News


Thanks to my long time friend Matt Vaughn in Texas, today we are breaking new ground in the sink hole that is Dumbass News. I’ve come to expect stuff like this from Matt because he is one of the biggest Dumbasses I know. I must admit, however, that I am a bit jealous of Matt. And by “jealous” I of course mean that I would pay an exorbitant amount of money to one of my wife’s Eye-talian uncles  (Sicilian, naturally) to put Young Matthew to “sleep with the fishes”, IYKWIMAITYD. This would be easy to accomplish because my buddy Matt lives near one of my old fishing holes, Lake Ray Hubbard. This is one of the reasons I am jealous of my friend – because he lives so damn near the lake. Another reason I am envious of Matt is because he has a Harley and I don’t. Having said all this, you can easily see why Matthew deserves a fate of nothing less than becoming catfish food.

So, Matt, if you wake up one morning with a severed horse head in your bed, it’s nothing personal, bro. It’s just bidness.

Read the rest……

 

I Don’t: Guy Calls in Bomb Threat to Halt His Wedding!



Best of Dumbass News

Planning a wedding is a difficult proposition.

You’ve gotta line up rings, tuxes, a wedding gown, bridesmaids’ dresses, a caterer, music, a Priest/Minister and most importantly, booze.

Tradition, as I understand it, has the Bride and her chosen co-conspirators helpers doing the heavy lifting on most of these matters.

Sometimes, the Groom takes responsibility for some of the necessary components of the wedding.

This is a bad idea.

very bad idea.

How the hell is a Guy supposed to deal with shit like this? I mean, his mind is probably a thousand miles away from actually taking part in something of this nature. A Groom’s thoughts meander aimlessly from “It would be a great day to go fishing” to “How the fuck am I gonna sober up in time for…for…what was I supposed to be doing today?”

You can see why assigning Necessary Wedding Tasks to a guy who is about to go from a life of drinking beer for breakfast, running around the house in his underwear and scratching his nuts whenever he wants to, to a life of being married and drinking beer for breakfast, running around the house in his underwear and scratching his nuts whenever he wants to, may not be in the best interest of a couple’s nuptials going off as planned, no matter how meticulously things have been strategerized for The Big Day.

Read the rest…..

Crazy Bitch: “You Take My Ring, I Take Your Nuts!”

Best of Dumbass News

Oh, boy!

This is a good one.

Warning for Men: If your stomach turns or you experience extreme pain from mental images of gazebos (testicles, nuts, balls, family jewels)  being squished like rotten tomatoes, read no further!

Singing Soprano

 This man and woman down in the F-L-A had decided to get a divorce, which in and of itself is not a pleasant experience.

Trust me one this one.

The guy thought it would be a good idea if he hid a ring he had given his wife.

 So he did.

The soon-to-be ex-wife took exception to his actions.

Read the rest…..

82 Year Old Granny Steals From Childrens Medical Group!

Best of Dumbass News

Even as a Middle Aged Dumbass who has been around the coffee cup huntin’ the handle, I am still amazed that so many people, although not nearly as many as even 25 short years ago, stay in the same field of work at the same job with the same company for so many years. I have noticed over the last couple of years through my Facebook contact with long time friends, that many of them work for the same school district or company that they started with shortly after I last saw them a million years ago. Those years, by my standard, are measured in Dumbass Years. A Dumbass Year equals whatever I say it does. In this case, 37 years ago equals a million Dumbass Years. Hey, they’re my years so I quantify them how I want to.

For example, my Dad worked for the same company for 37 years and the only reason it wasn’t more is because they shut the place down. He would have had 40+ years seniority, easy. I know some people that work for the same company that they did during the summers between High School years. I am looking at you, Randy Randle. 🙂 I think.

Today, I present to you another Seasoned Citizen to whom we can all look up to and admire as someone who has the same job for her whole life and she is eighty-two years old!

Her name is Doris Thompson.

And she’s a career criminal. I love the smell of persistence in the morning. It smells like a jail cell.

Read the rest…..

Nigerian Retirement Plan: Smuggle Cocaine in Roasted Chicken!

Some of the most popular stories that have “graced” the pages of Dumbass News over the last nearly-four years have been about Dumbasses involved with drugs – specifically cocaine.

Two of my personal favorites reveal some of the more unique hiding places that modern drug dealers use when smuggling contraband from Point A to Point B:

  1. In hair weaves
  2. In Breast implants

Now we can add “roasted chicken” to that ever-growing list.

Read the rest…..

Nigerian Retirement Plan: Just Add Coke

 

Felonious Facebook Fun! Unfriended Dumbass Sets Lady’s House On Fire!

Best of Dumbass News

Friends.

What would we do without them?

We’ve all had a friend who was more like a brother or sister than just a friend. He (or she) was the person you went to when your girlfriend broke up with you. Or when the death of a loved one changed life as you knew it. Or just to get hammered. Tommy Thompson was that friend to me. Always there when I needed a brother. Always there when a family tragedy struck. And damn sure always there when I was ready to make Adolph Coors Company, Golden, Colorado a lot richer. Then the fucker up and died on me. I’m still pissed at him. No matter though, Tommy is always with me in Spirit when I’m doing something stupid or that family thing happens. He’d probably kick my ass if he knew I quit drinking. Now that’s a friend for ya!

Besides missing my Best Friend Ever, I told that little story about Tommy for a reason. The reason? Dumbasses have friends, too. Like these two Dumbass Bitches in Iowa of all places.

Unfriended

I have been to Iowa. it’s a nice place.

Middle America, corn, Dumbasses….

Jennifer Harris had a friend named Nikki. They were friends in real life and friends on Facebook.

Then tragedy struck.

Tragedy beyond your wildest dreams.

Read the rest…..

Guy Loses $20K of Drug Dealer’s Cash, Asks Cops to Write Excuse Note to Drug Guy!

Best of Dumbass News

John Wayne once said, “Life is hard. It’s even harder if you’re stupid.”

Who am I to argue with The Duke?

Those nine words are some of the most powerful ever spoken, ranking right up there with “I have a dream”, “Four score and seven years ago” and “Where’s the beef?” That’s walkin’ in some high oratory cotton right there.

Today’s story is the perfect illustration of what Mr. Wayne said.

Trouble in Tucson

Demarco Thomas must have a rough life.

He is stoopid.

Real stoopid.

Thomas was traveling through Tucson recently when he noticed that he’d misplaced some cash.

Twenty thousand dollars worth of cash! Now what on Earth would a guy like Demarco Thomas be doing with 20 Large in cash?

Do the words “alleged drug courier” mean anything to you?

So here’s an alleged drug courier who has somehow lost twenty. big. ones. Knowing this, I am able to deduce that not only has Demarco lost 20 Grand, he has lost someone else’s 20 Grand.

Read the rest…..